Giving and "My Alcoholism" - for newcomers
p***enger
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Giving and "My Alcoholism" - for newcomers
When I first came to this forum, I was desperate for help. I didn't know what I was reaching out to or for. I just was hopelessly giving the possibility that I could stop dying from the effects of my alcoholism a try.
People here gave me everything -- welcome, suggestions, advice, hugs, 24 hour support, compassion, inspiration, friendship, hope, love. I hadn't had a lot of those things in my life before.
As I've gotten saner, I've tried to give back. It feels right, even necessary -- not an obligation but an expression of shared understanding.
Sometimes I've seen that what I give -- not only here of course but in other parts of my life -- isn't used in the way I intended. Maybe even abused. Interpreted the "wrong" way. Shunted to a 3rd party, taken willfully out of context.
I've come to realize that's the nature of giving of yourself. It wouldn't be giving if you could keep it at the same time. It wouldn't be giving if you continued to cling, control, and own.
I knew that I was taking a risk by exposing myself on a forum -- I didn't understand all the kinds of risks I was taking, but the greatest risk, the most important one, was that I risking the loss of my alcoholic obsession. What I was exposing was my sickness. If I exposed anything else, so be it. It was worth it. My early posts -- from when I was very raw -- they don't matter. That person is gone, and the posts are truly specimens, museum pieces, dead images of a non-sober alcoholic.
As a support to others, what do I lose by giving of myself to others on this forum? Nothing. So I feel a little violated when someone takes my words out of context. Like I've never felt violated before?
Then I think of what I gain when I try to support people here. For every thought or tree or image or poem I've tried to use to communicate about my experience, my own awareness and appreciation of sober life has grown a hundred times.
Information wants to be free. The branches and roots of a growing tree want to spread everywhere.
People here gave me everything -- welcome, suggestions, advice, hugs, 24 hour support, compassion, inspiration, friendship, hope, love. I hadn't had a lot of those things in my life before.
As I've gotten saner, I've tried to give back. It feels right, even necessary -- not an obligation but an expression of shared understanding.
Sometimes I've seen that what I give -- not only here of course but in other parts of my life -- isn't used in the way I intended. Maybe even abused. Interpreted the "wrong" way. Shunted to a 3rd party, taken willfully out of context.
I've come to realize that's the nature of giving of yourself. It wouldn't be giving if you could keep it at the same time. It wouldn't be giving if you continued to cling, control, and own.
I knew that I was taking a risk by exposing myself on a forum -- I didn't understand all the kinds of risks I was taking, but the greatest risk, the most important one, was that I risking the loss of my alcoholic obsession. What I was exposing was my sickness. If I exposed anything else, so be it. It was worth it. My early posts -- from when I was very raw -- they don't matter. That person is gone, and the posts are truly specimens, museum pieces, dead images of a non-sober alcoholic.
As a support to others, what do I lose by giving of myself to others on this forum? Nothing. So I feel a little violated when someone takes my words out of context. Like I've never felt violated before?
Then I think of what I gain when I try to support people here. For every thought or tree or image or poem I've tried to use to communicate about my experience, my own awareness and appreciation of sober life has grown a hundred times.
Information wants to be free. The branches and roots of a growing tree want to spread everywhere.
yes I said yes I will Yes.
p***enger
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by least 
That's the ending of James Joyce's Ulysses if I am correct. 
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