New here and seeking some clarity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
New here and seeking some clarity
Hi everyone.
I am at my breaking point with my alcoholic husband. Things he has said, lies he has told, and promises that were broken have all compelled me to leave. We got in a fight last night and I decided I was done.
Today I woke up and realized I have gone through this again and again in relationships. I pick addicts every time and then hit a point where I can't handle it. Unfortunately my children have to endure my bad choices. I decided that I am not going to be impetuous and pack my bags and go. I am in school full time and would have to quit, I would have no money, the kids would lose the home they know and a stepdad they love, and I would most likely be stressed, single, and just meet another addict. I made the decision to stay and get better. I will go to al anon and counseling, I will find a job that could support me if it needs to, I will save some money, and I will get healthy. I have started to drink too much along side of him and I will stop that. I will work on my co-dependency. I will stop trying to control and fix him and I will focus on me. Once I feel stronger I will then make a decision to stay or leave. I will see if he has worked a program or continued to drink.
This plan sounds so sane to me, but I wonder if I am making a sound choice or just making an excuse so I can stay. I could really use some clarity from others who have been through this.
I am at my breaking point with my alcoholic husband. Things he has said, lies he has told, and promises that were broken have all compelled me to leave. We got in a fight last night and I decided I was done.
Today I woke up and realized I have gone through this again and again in relationships. I pick addicts every time and then hit a point where I can't handle it. Unfortunately my children have to endure my bad choices. I decided that I am not going to be impetuous and pack my bags and go. I am in school full time and would have to quit, I would have no money, the kids would lose the home they know and a stepdad they love, and I would most likely be stressed, single, and just meet another addict. I made the decision to stay and get better. I will go to al anon and counseling, I will find a job that could support me if it needs to, I will save some money, and I will get healthy. I have started to drink too much along side of him and I will stop that. I will work on my co-dependency. I will stop trying to control and fix him and I will focus on me. Once I feel stronger I will then make a decision to stay or leave. I will see if he has worked a program or continued to drink.
This plan sounds so sane to me, but I wonder if I am making a sound choice or just making an excuse so I can stay. I could really use some clarity from others who have been through this.
I just never stuck around long enough to actually do the work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi foms, and welcome to SR.
I also drank with my ex, if I didn't he would go off on me, as to how perfect I am, and blah, blah, blah. I became an alcoholic. (RA now).
I think as long as he is not abusive, try to get your ducks in your row, and some money in the bank. If he is abusive I really would suggest DV.
You really did find a great place to come to, welcome again.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I also drank with my ex, if I didn't he would go off on me, as to how perfect I am, and blah, blah, blah. I became an alcoholic. (RA now).
I think as long as he is not abusive, try to get your ducks in your row, and some money in the bank. If he is abusive I really would suggest DV.
You really did find a great place to come to, welcome again.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Welcome! You need to focus on you and your children. You can't control your AH believe me I know. I have wrestled over the the stay or go question... it's tough, especially with children involved. I agree that if he's not abusive stick it out and see where it goes. If he ever endangers you or your children, get out fast. I have told my AH somewhat RAH that anytime, he drinks I don't want our children around it so he will need to leave or I will. I will allow him to return or I will return when he's back working the program but I can't allow my children to be around that and will protect them at all costs. He's never been abusive, just generally passes out or says mean things. When he's not drinking he's a wonderful husband and father. I have told him that when he drinks that's not the man I love or married and I will not put up with it. You have to set boundaries for yourself and layout guidelines as to what you are willing to tolerate. There was a period where I began to drink quite a bit as well. I was never at the point where I was an alcoholic but he would buy me alcoholic to hide his liquor store stops. I stopped that right away though and told him while I might enjoy a glass of wine occasionally the risk is not worth it and I will not have any alcohol in the house at all anymore. Take care of you and your children and let him take care of him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It felt so good to log back on and see the comments. I've been feeling really alone today so it helped to feel like I could reach out.
Thankfully he is not at all abusive. We are safe and so I do feel like staying (for now) is the best option.
My kids are 10 & 11. I'm not sure what the ages of Alateen are, but I do hope to include them in counseling. I am going to attend an Al-Anon meeting tonight and will see if anyone can recommend a local therapist with experience in addiction.
When I have a quiet moment later I am going to start figuring out what boundaries I really need to put in place. It is often the most difficult part for me.
Again, thanks so much to every one of you who responded.
Thankfully he is not at all abusive. We are safe and so I do feel like staying (for now) is the best option.
My kids are 10 & 11. I'm not sure what the ages of Alateen are, but I do hope to include them in counseling. I am going to attend an Al-Anon meeting tonight and will see if anyone can recommend a local therapist with experience in addiction.
When I have a quiet moment later I am going to start figuring out what boundaries I really need to put in place. It is often the most difficult part for me.
Again, thanks so much to every one of you who responded.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I was just thinking about this. I was thinking about when I isolated. I tend to do that a lot. I didn't know where to write this, but I thought this would be a good place.
You found a really good place to go to. We don't judge you here, we are really just here for you.
I think it took a tremendous amount of courage to post your first post here.
We are here for you, so stick around.
I remember all the times that I thought that I pushed things a little too much, you know, talking about my relationship (marriage) but still being stuck.
Things are different here. We do understand, we did go through all of that. We do understand that you need to do what you need to do at your own speed. I actually encourage that. If you are not ready to do something, you may go back and the situation could then be worse.
I really am looking forward to getting to know you better.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
You found a really good place to go to. We don't judge you here, we are really just here for you.
I think it took a tremendous amount of courage to post your first post here.
We are here for you, so stick around.
I remember all the times that I thought that I pushed things a little too much, you know, talking about my relationship (marriage) but still being stuck.
Things are different here. We do understand, we did go through all of that. We do understand that you need to do what you need to do at your own speed. I actually encourage that. If you are not ready to do something, you may go back and the situation could then be worse.
I really am looking forward to getting to know you better.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you've thought it through pretty carefully, and your plan sounds reasonably realistic, as long as things stay stable. As we often say around here (and in Al-Anon), "more will be revealed." As you progress in your recovery, and as circumstances at home warrant, you may find it easier or harder to stay. Keep your eyes, and your mind, open. One of the hardest things for most of us to do is to learn to see things as they REALLY are, and not the way we would like them to be (or are afraid that they might be).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
amy55 - thank you for that. It meant a lot to me and I, too, look forward to getting to know you and everyone else here.
LexieCat - I am great at seeing things through my fantasy glasses. You are absolutely correct that seeing the reality of things is difficult for me. I tend to see everything as amazing or awful with very little in between.
AH came home from work and said he knows he messed up and he hates who he has become. He said he wants to make it up to me, but he hasn't drank and is shaky and sick and needs to lay down. Normally I would scream and curse and say "How dare you lay down! You need to make this better! You need to prove you really love me!", but I stopped myself. I took a deep breath and told him to go get some rest and I reminded myself I needed to focus on me right now. Honestly, it is killing me. I am making dinner, doing dishes, taking care of the kids and he gets to go sleep it off and I'm dying to go upstairs and shake him. But I am ready to make a change. I came on here instead. Baby steps.
LexieCat - I am great at seeing things through my fantasy glasses. You are absolutely correct that seeing the reality of things is difficult for me. I tend to see everything as amazing or awful with very little in between.
AH came home from work and said he knows he messed up and he hates who he has become. He said he wants to make it up to me, but he hasn't drank and is shaky and sick and needs to lay down. Normally I would scream and curse and say "How dare you lay down! You need to make this better! You need to prove you really love me!", but I stopped myself. I took a deep breath and told him to go get some rest and I reminded myself I needed to focus on me right now. Honestly, it is killing me. I am making dinner, doing dishes, taking care of the kids and he gets to go sleep it off and I'm dying to go upstairs and shake him. But I am ready to make a change. I came on here instead. Baby steps.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
foms77.......if h has been drinking a significant amount for a long period of time.....to quit drinking, "cold turkey", can be very dangerous as well as extremely painful for someone who is addicted.
They can have seizures and go into DT's, for example.....which can be life threatening. They may have to drink out of severe discomfort.
While one may be "angry" at the alcoholic's behaviors....it is humane to have compassion for suffering,,,,,and no good comes from enhancing their suffering....
I believe that many people are afraid to stop drinking because they fear the withdrawl symptoms.....
If he continues to be shakey or uncomfortable, I suggest that he go to the local ER or seek help from a private doctor....(supervised detox).
dandylion
They can have seizures and go into DT's, for example.....which can be life threatening. They may have to drink out of severe discomfort.
While one may be "angry" at the alcoholic's behaviors....it is humane to have compassion for suffering,,,,,and no good comes from enhancing their suffering....
I believe that many people are afraid to stop drinking because they fear the withdrawl symptoms.....
If he continues to be shakey or uncomfortable, I suggest that he go to the local ER or seek help from a private doctor....(supervised detox).
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey there again,
My mind is in a bit of a fog today but I think there is some kind of saying where it says "Get out of Gods way. If you keep jumping in then you might be cushioning the fall". I know I said it wrong, if someone knows the correct wording here, please help me out.
I think you did really good tonight, it might not feel like it, but you did good. You didn't let his problem become your problem.
Sometimes you can take that as you just sat around and did nothing. I think you were thinking of what action you can take when you feel safe enough to get out of this situation.
Just wanted you to know that I am here for you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
My mind is in a bit of a fog today but I think there is some kind of saying where it says "Get out of Gods way. If you keep jumping in then you might be cushioning the fall". I know I said it wrong, if someone knows the correct wording here, please help me out.
I think you did really good tonight, it might not feel like it, but you did good. You didn't let his problem become your problem.
Sometimes you can take that as you just sat around and did nothing. I think you were thinking of what action you can take when you feel safe enough to get out of this situation.
Just wanted you to know that I am here for you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Dandylion - unfortunately this is not the first time he has detoxed since I have known him. He gets really sick with vomiting, the shakes, elevated blood pressure, but so far no DTs. He refuses medical treatment. It has been an issue between us, but at this point I don't even try to convince him of the danger he is in. I get really resentful (and scared) when he does this and I just don't have it in me to nurse him through it again. He had a long period of sobriety and a very short period of drinking this time so I am hopeful this detox won't be so hard on him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
foms.....thanks....that sheds more light on the situation.
I DO understand that you can lead a horse to water (and, put salt in their oats)...but, you can't make them drink it.
Watching someone going through withdrawl is not an easy thing to do....and, it IS scarey......
dandylion
I DO understand that you can lead a horse to water (and, put salt in their oats)...but, you can't make them drink it.
Watching someone going through withdrawl is not an easy thing to do....and, it IS scarey......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
This plan sounds so sane to me, but I wonder if I am making a sound choice or just making an excuse so I can stay.
Sending you and your family support, peace, strength, all that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I give you tremendous credit for taking the time to think this through. You have to think of you and your children's future. Staying in school, saving money, and setting yourself up for success is a great plan. As long as there is no physical or emotional violence, you have the ability to plan.
The hard part...when the plan is long term...is learning to lovingly detach in the meantime. Leave the A to their path, and stay focused on yours. If he comes home and lays down...so be it. Stay focused on you. When he sees you changing, and promises to change...be cautious. It's not what they say, it's what they do. Don't veer off your path.
Stay engaged in AlAnon, that is where you will find the support you need to see this through. I think getting your kids into some kind of counseling or Alateen group is great, the earlier they have intervention the better.
Kudos to you....you're on a good path.
The hard part...when the plan is long term...is learning to lovingly detach in the meantime. Leave the A to their path, and stay focused on yours. If he comes home and lays down...so be it. Stay focused on you. When he sees you changing, and promises to change...be cautious. It's not what they say, it's what they do. Don't veer off your path.
Stay engaged in AlAnon, that is where you will find the support you need to see this through. I think getting your kids into some kind of counseling or Alateen group is great, the earlier they have intervention the better.
Kudos to you....you're on a good path.
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