completely devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
completely devastated
i relapsed this weekend after almost 3 1/2 years of sobriety. i'm so disgusted with myself that i can barely think straight. my hands are shaking as i type this.
i take 5 different medications for depression and anxiety. i hate that but it is what it is. my father passed away unexpectedly in late 2014 and my grief manifested itself in a sort merciless sense of irritability. i told this to my psychiatrist and she chose to put me on yet another med, a med called abilify. i relapsed two weeks later. i'm not sure how much i can credit my relapse to being on this new med but it does seem plausible. side effects of this medication are suicidal thoughts. while i didn't think about killing myself, i did suddenly fall back into that old familiar black hole of feeling like i had no choice but to drink. and drinking IS suicide for someone like me. i hadn't experienced this black hole for a very long time and feeling it creep back in totally blindsided me.
what this relapse has taught me is that a relapse occurs long before the actual drinking does. alcoholism owns me and i can barely stand it. i thought i had beaten it but it's back. there are no words to describe how much i hate myself right now. all i want to do is climb under the covers and never come out.
i'm hesitant to go back to AA because unfortunately for me, i am fiercely anti-social. i felt compelled to come back here and share this as it is probably what i'd share if i went to a meeting.
help.
i take 5 different medications for depression and anxiety. i hate that but it is what it is. my father passed away unexpectedly in late 2014 and my grief manifested itself in a sort merciless sense of irritability. i told this to my psychiatrist and she chose to put me on yet another med, a med called abilify. i relapsed two weeks later. i'm not sure how much i can credit my relapse to being on this new med but it does seem plausible. side effects of this medication are suicidal thoughts. while i didn't think about killing myself, i did suddenly fall back into that old familiar black hole of feeling like i had no choice but to drink. and drinking IS suicide for someone like me. i hadn't experienced this black hole for a very long time and feeling it creep back in totally blindsided me.
what this relapse has taught me is that a relapse occurs long before the actual drinking does. alcoholism owns me and i can barely stand it. i thought i had beaten it but it's back. there are no words to describe how much i hate myself right now. all i want to do is climb under the covers and never come out.
i'm hesitant to go back to AA because unfortunately for me, i am fiercely anti-social. i felt compelled to come back here and share this as it is probably what i'd share if i went to a meeting.
help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You know what to do. Call your doctor for help to get off the Abilify. Put down the bottle.
It's okay, you've identified the stressors. Get back at it. Sobriety is much better than the alternative.
I understand grief and what it can do to your mind. I know I cannot do anything about the deaths of my family members and that they would not want me to drink myself to death because of it. It was simply their time.
It's okay, you've identified the stressors. Get back at it. Sobriety is much better than the alternative.
I understand grief and what it can do to your mind. I know I cannot do anything about the deaths of my family members and that they would not want me to drink myself to death because of it. It was simply their time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
I'm glad your Sharing and getting it off your chest. life changes and medication changes can be difficult and others may gain from your experience. Have you set up a Dr's appt?
if you are fiercely anti social (like me) maybe you would like aa or smart online meetings. The majority of my meetings are online right now, I may be go to one face to face one a month .
Just suggestions of course , I'm sorry you're feeling down but please hang in there
if you are fiercely anti social (like me) maybe you would like aa or smart online meetings. The majority of my meetings are online right now, I may be go to one face to face one a month .
Just suggestions of course , I'm sorry you're feeling down but please hang in there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
i talked to my doctor about going off of the abilify and have since stopped taking it. i was extremely hesitant to go on another medication because of grief. when somebody important to you dies, you grieve. it's normal. but i also felt like i should listen to my doctor.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, well I found out that every time I told my doctor I was having a difficulty with anything, she prescribed medication. That's what they do. Their solution is always a pill. I stopped telling her stuff, and got off all my meds. The side effects were too much for me, and I needed to try it. I personally feel that the anti-anxiety meds were what led me back to drinking after 18 years sobriety.
Grief is absolutely a process. For me it was made so much worse by drinking. Drinking added to depression and anxiety and I couldn't dig out of the grief while drinking. Now I have come to grips with my new reality - without my family members and without numbing myself out. I still have times when grief is way-too-close. Just this weekend I had a day where all I could do was feel sorry for myself with no family with whom to celebrate the holidays. That was okay, I need to remember intensely sometimes. Drinking was not the solution - never has been.
((hug)) You can and you will dig out. I hope you will be kind to yourself in some way today. Do something you love to do that you haven't done in a while.
Have you stopped drinking? That is Job #1.
Grief is absolutely a process. For me it was made so much worse by drinking. Drinking added to depression and anxiety and I couldn't dig out of the grief while drinking. Now I have come to grips with my new reality - without my family members and without numbing myself out. I still have times when grief is way-too-close. Just this weekend I had a day where all I could do was feel sorry for myself with no family with whom to celebrate the holidays. That was okay, I need to remember intensely sometimes. Drinking was not the solution - never has been.
((hug)) You can and you will dig out. I hope you will be kind to yourself in some way today. Do something you love to do that you haven't done in a while.
Have you stopped drinking? That is Job #1.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: appleton, WI
Posts: 65
thanks. yes, i stopped drinking...so that's a good thing. i honestly don't feel like i deserve being good to myself. what i'm feeling right now is very ugly and something i think only time will ease. when you achieve sobriety it sorta becomes an identity. when you relapse it shatters that identity. so i'm kind of trying to pick up the pieces. i'll get there eventually.
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