aspen1970

My husband left alcohol detox 11 weeks ago. He started smoking marijuana within a coup,e of weeks of being home. Today he started drinking again. I know relapse is common but don't know if I can go down this road again. I know I have to take care of me but right now I'm concerned for my children. It's so hard for them to understand all of this. They didn't say it but they knew something was up when he didn't come home at his usual time. I don't want their lives to be hard. I don't want them to worry. I don't know how to make it better though.

noinsanity2423

Only you can choose if and when you leave. If you've tried talking and sending him to rehab, then the consequences may not be enough for him to quit. You have to decide whether it is worth going through more hurt or making an exit plan to save your family. If what you tried already didn't work, it may be time for a different approach. Only you can decide, though. There are a lot of stories on here similar to yours, including mine. You can read them to gain knowledge prior to making a decision. I will leave you with this, though: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The definition of insanity is repeating behavior and expecting a different result.

redatlanta

I'll be the first to say I get very frustrated with "relapse is common". Either you are dedicated to the program or you aren't. The definition of an acceptable relapse to me would be a very short falling off the wagon and pretty immediate return to recovery.

You don't have an obligation to deal with a relapse because "its common". What, if any boundaries, existed regarding your husband returning to the home after detox? Did you discuss what you would do IF he relapsed?

Refiner

I agree with what Red wrote. That's not a relapse. He simply stopped alcohol and changed his drug of choice for a few weeks before getting back on the alcohol. If he's serious, he'd be working a program. Have you looked into al anon for you! What about a program for your kids? If you're going to stay, it sounds like you need to learn how to set firm boundaries and coping mechanisms.

aspen1970

He won't go to AA. Thanks for the perspective.

Sungrl

But you can go to Alanon. That has nothing to do with him.

Refiner

Exactly. Alanon is a resource for you to learn the tools if you choose to stay in this. How old are your kids? They also have programs just for the kids although I think its for teens... hopefully someone can come along and give you more info on that. Also, read through what is called the "stickies" on top of the live threads. That's classic reading from other posters.

fluffyflea

How come he won't go to A.A?

You can go to Alanon put the focus on you.

dandylion

Aspen....as I recall, your children are old enough for alateen.......

I think you are right to be very concerned about the effect that this has been having on the children.
Adults notoriously underestimate the effect that the environment has on the children.

It would probably help you a lot to do some reading of the stories of the members on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. It is really helpful to get the perspective directly from the (grown) children that have lived through it......

dandylion

aspen1970

Yes, my children are 13 and 10. Thank you, this is very helpful.

NYCDoglvr

I heard it summed up well in a meeting: you can't be high and sober at the same time. He isn't serious about recovery.