noinsanity2423

It's been a little over a month since I left my ex alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, verbally abusive fiancé. The first few weeks were really hard, and I spent a lot of time crying over her, missing her, and trying every way I could to explain to her that she really hurt me and we could only be together if she quit and got help.

She chose to blame me for leaving, and insisted that I needed to stay to help her get better. She said I was wrong to leave, she doesn't have a problem, I lied to her family, that I'm a wicked person, and I should just let her believe that she will find someone who loves her for "how she is."

I'm so angry that she chose to get drunk despite knowing that she has cheated on people before. I'm so angry that she didn't choose to protect our relationship by putting herself in that situation. I'm so mad that she cheated in front of me by locking herself in a bathroom with a lesbian while drunk as I stood outside knocking on the door. I'm so mad that she kissed that same girl on the mouth in front of me while drunk the next time she went over, even though she promised me she wouldn't go there again. I'm so mad that she told me it was weird to get mad at her for that, and that I had no reason to be jealous. I'm so mad that she told me it wasn't cheating. I'm so mad she kissed another guy that same night. I'm so mad she got drunk with her Dad and got him to pull out a gun as they argued with me there. I'm so mad she quit her job and stayed stoned all day while I paid the bills. I'm so mad for all the hurtful things she said to me whenever we argued about her drinking or how she was irrationally thinking that I didn't love her. I had to fight with her to convince her I loved her.

Most of all, I am so mad that despite her doing all that, she says that I'M at fault for leaving, and I ruined her life by telling her and her family everything in a letter that she did to me. I'm so mad that she calls me a liar for saying what she did to me.

Does anyone else feel this way after you leave? Sometimes, I still question if I should have stayed and tried to help her, but I know deep down that she never listened when I tried to talk to her about it. She got mad every time I confronted her. I remember her promises to never put me through X again, but it was always something else she put me through while drunk.

I have the full story in "I Left the Chaos," if anyone wants to read it.

Just let me know if it's normal to feel this angry and still question if leaving this girl I loved so much was really my only option.

searching peace

Yes everything you are feeling is very normal! Please remember you didn't cause, can't cure it and cannot control it!!! Also please read all you can about codependency. I know the hurt you feel and how much you want to believe your fiancé will return to the person you thought she was. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. That is up to her. But you are young and need to be enjoying your life. Please read all of the post on this forum it will help you, reading codependent no more will help you, going to alanon will help you. Concentrate on you and your recovery. You didn't do anything wrong by leaving. You may want to consider going no contact with her. Sending you hugs! I promise it will get better. But please work on your recovery. The last thing you want is to end up in another unhealthy relationship.

noinsanity2423

Thanks for the advice. I have been reading Beyond Codependency by the same author. I had to go no contact with her because she kept hurting me through her denial and accusations. I know everything she says is a lie, including I love you and miss you. I found out she was messaging guys within a week after I left, and she drunk messaged her ex and asked him to...you know...which he declined. I had to block everything because this just kept hurting me. I didn't go around messaging girls after I left because I still loved her. I had to block her family because they think I'm in the wrong even after that letter. They tried to draw me back in because they thought I was supposed to fix her because I'm a good, responsible guy, unlike her previous boyfriends.

I agree that no contact is the best option, and I realize that nothing I say can change it. I guess there's really no point in thinking that I could have given her a gentle push into recovery because she needs to decide for herself if she wants to continue the generational curse. There's no point in thinking that if I did or said something differently, it would have changed the outcome. I had to get away to protect myself.

I'm just so ANGRY that she did those things to me. I wasn't perfect, but I never cheated on her nor did I even put myself in a place where she'd have to guess. I never called her names, guilted her, or tried to tear down her self esteem. In fact, I always encouraged her when she talked down about herself, which was a lot.

It just angers me that she refuses to see how she hurt me. She refuses to admit there's a problem. It hurts that she would do these terrible things to someone that loves her and then go around and blame me for leaving, saying she loved me and was good to me. I just feel like she used me because I had money, I let her drink, I let her get stoned, and I let her have relations with me. I just feel like I was some object to her whereas I cared about her more than anything. I'm so MAD that she chose the addiction over me, and she told me before that I meant everything to her, and she would do whatever she had to keep from losing me. It seems that was a lie, too.

Will the hurt ever go away? I'm tired of hurting and missing her because she was so horrible to me.

searching peace

The hurt will go away and things will get better for you, I promise. You cannot help her. And it doesn't matter what she says about you or what her family chooses to believe. I would imagine there are some unhealthy people in her family from reading your post. The best thing you can do is continue reading the book, read and post on here and maybe alanon. But you have already given up too much of your life to someone unhealthy. Try to do what ever you can to heal yourself. She is sick. And alcoholics lie, manipulate, are selfish and do or say whatever they need to in order to have their addiction needs met. Those are her issues and they have nothing to do with you. Do not take anything she said personal. I know it is easier said than done but try. This is a blessing for you. Please try to look at this as a gift that you avoided a life of misery if you had married this person. You have the rest of your life to become healthy and have a healthy happy relationship. Read on here all of the post of people like me that are married to alcoholics and the heartbreak that comes with that most of the time. How a lot of us have woken up over halfway through our lives and had to start completely over with nothing because of our codependency and the A's in our lives. You are lucky, you are young and can recover and move on. I know it seems as if your world has just fallen apart and that you don't see a way to get over this pain and hurt. But you will heal and you will get over this. And hopefully in time you will look back on this with gratitude that you were able to get out before you married her.

Slothy

hey noinsanity......I was right there and still am at times with you in your angry and hurt feelings. I am pretty sure they are all so normal! Its pretty easy to get stuck pondering how someone you loved could hurt you so bad!! What helped me is to read, read, and keep reading on this site and research the disease of alcoholism. I came across a wonderful article.... The Privledged Addict....titled " Why alcoholics hurt people" "... try googling it and read it! Sending you lots of hugs!

LexieCat

Anger is perfectly normal in response to being hurt as you have. What will give you relief, though, is eventually being able to let go of the anger. Sit with it for a while, process it, and when you are tired of feeling angry you can start to let go of it. Resentment (feeling the anger over and over and over again) is only going to harm YOU. So don't feel like you need to keep that anger alive as some kind of armor. Eventually you will want to let go of it for your own sake.

Hugs,

Duckygirl1

((((Hugs))))

So get you on this pal. You're a person with sight surrounded by the blind and angry that they can't see what's in front of you all. It's not that they don't want to, they can't. They don't have the strength, fortitude, rational processes, sanity, moral fiber or any other tool that's needed to come to grips with the truth or who and what she is. Here's what I've come to accept. You and your sick fiancé were in two entirely different relationships. You were in a relationship with her and she was in a relationship with her doc's. They leave so easily because they were never with us in the first place. They hurt us because they feel nothing, they lie because and hide because when active they are creatures of the night and can't stand the light of truth and reality. My ex's family tried to drag me back before he found another addict and I was no longer needed. Lied to, manipulated and used, then cut off without a word and they attempted to end my friendship with a person who has been my biggest support! Self centered, blind and enabling to the bitter end.

I can tell you from waaaay too much experience, the anger will subside in time. It may very well flare up out of nowhere for sometime, but it will dissipate in frequency and intensity until you look up one day and they are like a bad dream. But it won't unless you get serious help for yourself. You must figure out not so much why she did what she did, but why you tolerated it. If you don't work on yourself, you will meet a nice girl and drag in baggage from little miss train wreck. Or worse, you'll meet another train wreck and waste more of your precious time.

In a nut shell , fell your anger and vent. Just don't stay there. She's wasted enough of your life, don't let her have anymore.

maia1234

NI- I am sorry for the pain you are dealing with. Alcoholism is a horrible disease and makes are love ones do horrible, horrible things. I have reached out to many A's and one made a comment to me that puts it into perspective.

When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.

Also, another comment i copied from a post here:

An alcoholic will twist and turn and manipulate and tantrum and abuse and make up ......anything to keep drinking. That's the nature of the beast, its what we do and your spouse is no different. Is it abusive? Of course it is.

Ni- you need to work a program, stop focusing on the A. Once you come to terms with it and detach your life will get a little better. We all understand as we have all lived it. Again, I am sorry. Try and understand that they are not doing it to you, they are doing it because they are addicts and there is nothing you can do about it. (((((((hugs my friend)))))))))

NYCDoglvr

Well of course you feel angry! It's how you process the anger that's important and I recommend Alanon, which saved my sanity. I also learned that alcoholics need booze above all else. -- it is God, their higher power, great love of their life and until they ask for help, will keep drinking despite everything else. It's a mental illness.

I learned that the real problem wasn't the alcoholic, it was my choice of someone incapable of having a real relationship. It was my belief he would change.

noinsanity2423

Yeah. I think that was my problem, too. I wanted to have a relationship so bad. I had been single for 6 years, nothing since high school, and I found someone that needed me all the time. I thought she was better; she told me about her past. She told me she wasn't like that anymore, and I believed I could be the silver lining in her life. I ignored the early warning signs that she really didn't change, and I convinced myself that I was making her better when my life was getting worse.

I think the biggest problem is why I put up with it for so long instead of setting a boundary and walking once she hurt me the first time. I didn't see that she had gone back to what she was. She was good for 1.5 years, but once we got engaged, she let loose, and I know that my part was putting up with it.

Thanks for the advice, guys. I know I'll be angry for awhile, but I can only change myself. There's nothing more I can do for her.

maia1234

Good for you for understanding that. Now you need to just follow through with what you just said.....There is nothing more I can do for her!!!

Take care of yourself and work your program. Things will get better for you.

Hangnbyathread

Yep. All normal. You'll get past it.

iamthird

I am angry right now too. It just is apart of the process. I always remember "feel, deal, then heal". We always want to know how they could hurt us like this and the reality is they are not able to conceptualize our pain because they do not live in reality.

Keep focusing on building yourself up. That is all you can do.

noinsanity2423

I don't get it. It's like I'm on a roller coaster. There are some days when I'm angry beyond belief. There are some days when I'm sad. Then, there are some days that I miss her so bad that I want to try messaging her somehow. I don't get it. She obviously hurt me and chose to stay in her addiction instead of getting healthy. She obviously cares more about the addiction than me. I just don't get why I keep wanting to talk to her. I don't get why I miss her so bad when she clearly broke her promise to be faithful and verbally abused me.

I guess I'm just lonely. I don't like being single. But, I'd rather be single than hurting worse while married to her, I guess. I just have to keep reminding myself of the hurt, or else I might try talking to her again, and then I'll walk right back into the abuse.

ladyscribbler

So you're feeling totally normal. That's good. And by normal I mean angry, sad, nostalgic, depressed, confused, hurt...
The list goes on. Good news, this is actually a sign of your prodigious mental health. You are feeling and processing all of these emotions without a crutch. No drugs, no alcohol, no relationship fix.
A huge part of my recovery has been to learn how to sit with my uncomfortable emotions. Not to act or react, not to numb or suppress them or push them away, but to experience and process them and then to use them for my own healing and understanding.
Keep up the good work and keep posting. We are here for you.
No Insanity! That should be a motto around here. Seriously.

Slothy

Noinsanity, every emotion you are feeling , like ladyscribber said, is just part of the process. Kinda crazy...it hurts to heal!!! I have been no contact with my lying, manipulating, cheating, and unkind exabf for a few months now and I am living those same emotions! I can tell you...... it does get better! Whenever I find myself sinking....I simply remind myself that this is not a permenant state...it will pass...and I will have peace and let go! Hang in there...be strong.....many of us are on that same roller coaster with you! Lots of hugs!!!

dandylion

noinsanity......I just want to echo what slothy just said.....It DOES hurt to heal.....at least, during the middle of the healing process.
It is the short-term pain (PAIN) for the long-term gain!!! (GAIN).

Yes, Yes, hang in!! Keep reminding yourself that this is temporary..and, will eventually pass!

Why? you ask. LOL! Well, let me say this...

Mother Nature is the one to blame. From an evolutionary point of view....it is necessary to form bonds with another to allow for the continuing of the species....bonds are necessary for several reasons.
They are powerful connections with another. Once formed...they cannot be broken very easily.....It can be done...and, we can heal (provisions were made for that, too)....but it doesn't happen overnight.
Here, to my mind--at least---is the stickiest wicket of all------a toxic relationship is as hard to break bonds with as a healthy one.....
Good or bad.....healing from broken bonds seems to feel the same.....
(who knew??).

dandylion

lucybb

Thank you for this! I feel like a mess, in the process of separation and dealing with the uncertainties of what he is scheming and what garbage he will fling at me at the next meeting with the lawyers. Stressed, anxious, sad, horrified, hopeful, angry - but going through it without a crutch. We have been through the ringer and believed that we were powerless but we are the strong ones and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to saying, like so many women have said to me recently, 'I have been happily divorced for xx years!'

noinsanity2423

Yeah, I guess it makes sense. It's hard to leave an unhealthy relationship. It just hurts me so much that I can't say anything more, and I know that no matter what I say, it will not change her. I really wish I could get some type of vindication and just tell her how angry I am. I wish I could just tell her how horrible she was to me, and that she CHOSE to be horrible. I wish I could explain that I didn't abandon her--I told her that she had a choice to get in recovery or stay sick. She doesn't see it that way. I want nothing more than to make her see it that way, but I know that there's nothing I can do. It's incredibly frustrating to be out of control, then again, I never had it in the first place. I guess that's codependency. I had an illusion of control.

It just hurts that I had to leave the 85% good because the 15% was destroying me. She doesn't even want to try to get better. It's almost like I've been rejected. I wasn't worth getting better. I wasn't worth more than the drugs and alcohol. It really feels that way, but I know it's just that she has no capacity beyond that. It's incredibly frustrating.

searching peace

Most of our A's choose alcohol over us. And she doesn't have capacity to look beyond herself right now to acknowledge or recognize how she has treated you. It isn't you she is rejecting. It is not being able to drink and be the sick thinking person she is. Read on here and you will see lots of posts about our A's that do the same things. It is difficult to stop asking why and try to figure them out, but when we can switch our focus back on us and our healing things get better.