TaliZorah

I have been reading posts on here for the past few weeks to try to gain a better understanding of this disease, and decided to finally post. First, I would like to say thank you, as many of you have been very helpful in my learning process.

Some background: I did have a high-functioning alcoholic father, but he never sought help, and passed before he turned fifty. I have been dating a guy for six months now who has more than twenty years sober. He is my first experience with anyone in recovery. I have been with him to open meetings, and have read the Big Book.

Initially, there were no issues in our relationship. Recently, however, he has been exhibiting some behaviors that I have learned from here, as well as AA and Al-Anon literature, that can be attributed to his disease. He has not been attending meetings as regularly as he was previously, and doesn't seem to be too interested in working his program. One of the things he did was directly hurtful to me, and has made it hard for me to trust him. We did talk about it the first time it happened, and he told me he needed to go to more meetings. When it happened again, after I had done some reading on here and other places, I approached him about it without anger, just concern. He profusely apologized, told me I was right about him having "stinkin' thinkin'," and has gone to a couple more meetings.

I am sorry this is so long, but I hope it is able to convey enough for someone to offer advice.

My issue is this: he is very reluctant to discuss any problems he is having, and problems in our relationship. I know my communication level is also very lacking, and I am trying to work on me. How can I communicate with him in a way that doesn't make him adverse to it, and how I can encourage him to work his program without sounding naggy, or controlling?

Any suggestions would be very welcome, as I am not comfortable going to an Al-Anon meeting.

ladyscribbler

You say you've been to open AA meetings, but aren't comfortable attending Alanon. May I ask why?
All the successful "sober"couples I know have each partner working their respective programs.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and never fully understood how many of my issues were directly related to that until the past couple of years. Alanon meetings have been a tremendous resource for me to learn the skills I lacked and to shed the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were no longer helpful.
Your man must be doing something right. 20 years of sobriety is nothing to sneeze at. Because he's had such a long and successful program of recovery, I'm not sure how many of your problems are directly attributable to his alcoholism/alcoholic thinking. Because AAs and Alanons are basically two side of the same coin, it's possible that your lack of recovery is contributing more than you believe.

TaliZorah

Thanks for that. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective before. I have social anxiety, and am not comfortable in a room of complete strangers. When I go to meetings with him, I have at least one person I know.

ladyscribbler

I also suffer from social anxiety (pretty common for adult children of alcoholics). I know how hard it was for me to walk through those doors the first time. The results have been phenomenal. Last month (about 18 months into my Alanon recovery) I co chaired a large AA/Alanon event and was at the podium (on a stage!) reading the opening/closing and introducing the speaker. If someone had told me two years ago that I'd be doing something like that, I would have said they were crazy, but there I was.
Do any of his AA friends have a spouse or family member in Alanon? You might be able to meet someone one on one, then possibly attend a meeting with that person if it would ease your anxiety. There are also newcomer's meetings available. There shouldn't ever be any pressure to share or read. If all you want to do is introduce yourself and listen, that's totally fine.

TaliZorah

Wow. I can't even fathom what that must have been like. I will ask him, I do think he knows a couple Alanons. Thank you again. I appreciate your taking the time. If it helped that much, then it sounds like that should be the next step I take.