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Derailed

Old 05-23-2015, 10:57 AM
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Derailed

Had a nasty binge this week. Picked up some booze last Saturday and drank straight through until Thursday. It wasn't supposed to have lasted that long, but we know how that goes. And I can honestly say that I would probably still be drinking now if I didn't have work to hold me at least somewhat accountable.

So, this being day 3 (I had my last drink sometime early Thursday afternoon, dumped the rest out), here's a reminder to myself and others how bad this feels.

Thursday night, little if any sleep. Mostly just sweating, tossing and turning. Took a sleeping pill, still didn't sleep. Crept in and out of dreams/nightmares though. Anxious and shivery.

Friday morning. Could barely walk. Physically my body just wanted to stay horizontal, even though I was too anxious to do so. Couldn't think straight, face red and puffy, slight trembling. Drank a lot of water, but seemed like I was peeing it out as fast as I could get it in. I guess rehydrating after a binge like that is a process. Managed some light cardio, I'd have preferred not to but I had to go to work and I thought it might help straighten me out a bit. Work was tough, walking around seemed like swimming in molasses. Talking to customers for more than a brief moment made me sweat. Interactions with co-workers was also forced and uncomfortable. I kept wondering if they could tell how "off" I was. I'm sure they could.
Friday night, more night sweats and that lovely sense of impending doom. I kept hearing voices in my AC and it freaked me out. Other light audio hallucinations. "Is someone in my apartment?" type stuff. Got some scattered spurts of sleep, but still very anxious, shivery, and at times woke up a bit terrified.
Saturday morning. Feeling a little better, though I can't wait to have a full night's sleep. I suspect I will sleep more soundly tonight. Face still a bit red, hands slightly trembling. Am comfortable with doing some light cardio and not as afraid to go to work tonight.

So that's the detox so far. I can't say why I drank again, I guess I'd just decided to. Saw an opportunity for a prolonged binge (though I told myself it wouldn't be as long as it was) and I took it. I'd been fighting the "just one more time" feelings for weeks.

I'll probably add some more here later, but for now that's about it. Some exercise, then get ready for work. Hope you're all feeling better than I am.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:02 AM
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Sorry SDH! All of those feelings are the absolute worst! Not worth it... Dust off and tighten up a plan. You've got this
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:05 AM
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Do you have a recovery plan, SDH? It can help to figure out what is not working for you and change things up a bit.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:48 AM
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I was just thinking about it and I think that in some demented way I kind of wanted to detox again. To remember the residual pain of bingeing and how helpless I become when I let alcohol in. I'd gotten so used to sleeping well and waking up feeling good that I'd forgotten how miserable this is. Of course, that train of thought didn't consciously emerge, but I'd been having such a tough time lately that maybe I needed a reminder. I'd been working so hard to make things better that I forgot how BAD they COULD be.

I will tweak my plan and move forward. With this fresh in my mind I don't think I'll be getting much fight from my AV any time soon.

What else? Oh, my mouth tastes like...grossness! Doesn't matter how many times I brush it comes back. Eyes are bloodshot.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:54 AM
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Oh, yeah. And my apartment is in shambles. I started cleaning it a little bit yesterday, did a little more today. It's still pretty bad. Dirty dishes, half eaten food, food splatters on the wall and counter in the kitchen, garbage on the floors and counters because I couldn't be bothered to walk 5 feet to throw it away. I shudder to think how bad I'd let it get if I didn't have to, at some point, sober up and show up for work.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:56 AM
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I hope this is the last time you'll treat yourself so badly.
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Old 05-23-2015, 11:59 AM
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Exercising yesterday and today: sweat is extra salty and more oily than watery. Sorry to be so gross, but I'm going to be rereading this later and I want to be thorough.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:01 PM
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Cigarette consumption has gone up the last 2 days. From a couple packs a week for the last few weeks to - well I've had 6 already today.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:07 PM
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Thursday was my birthday. Happy Bday texts and Facebook messages coming in while I lied on the couch miserable. Pretty pathetic. Had someone cover my shift at work that night, and everyone just assumed I wanted my birthday off. That was not the case. I was just too much of a mess to work.

Did some drunken lying earlier in the week to get out of getting together with some guys to play music. After getting that squared away the drinking continued. I chose drinking over playing music.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by SDH73 View Post
. I can't say why I drank again, I guess I'd just decided to. Saw an opportunity for a prolonged binge (though I told myself it wouldn't be as long as it was) and I took it. I'd been fighting the "just one more time" feelings for weeks. .
Sorry to be blunt, but as long as you view drinkng as an "opportunity" you can expect only more of the same suffering detailed in your detox story. Do you think it might be time to get serious about sobriety?
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:13 PM
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Your bluntness is appreciated, Scott. Yes, it was time to get serious about sobriety a long time ago. But since now is all I have, I'll work forward with it. (not sure if that sentence is going to make any sense when I reread this with a clearer head)
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:15 PM
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It sounds like an excuse to drink again, SDH.

If remembering is what you need, hey, you can do that without drinking again. Why not journal these details and go back to read it later when you need to?

Have you heard of playing the tape forward? You imagine what's going to happen to you if you take a drink... fast forward to all the gory details so that you don't end up "romancing" the drink. The reality is grim for those us who are addicted. There is no way I would drink again to go back there and find out how bad it is. I know how bad it is!

Hope you decide to buckle down and put a plan in place.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:25 PM
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Thanks, SoberJennie. I take full responsibility for drinking. I did it all by myself. I will be putting some serious thought into what I need to do to move forward. But, for now while the wounds are still fresh, I'm just putting this into writing. Just to be clear: I'm not still drinking nor do I plan to in the near future. As for after that? Maybe it's time to actually make a BP? Never did that. I left it open-ended for myself and I caved.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:26 PM
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Glad you made it back in. Sounds like an awful week, but good news is you don't ever have to feel that way again. Hope you keep checking in and wishing you the best.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:28 PM
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Anyone can say they'll never drink again when they're still feeling miserable from it. Hopefully when I revisit this thread later on with a clearer head I'll be more inspired to make some real changes.

I guess my signature has renewed meaning for me, now!
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:53 PM
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I guess with the absence of a BP, my plan was "I just don't drink...until I decide to"

Phone just alerted me to a new email. Scared the crap out of me! I'm a bit jumpy.
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Old 05-23-2015, 12:56 PM
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Off to work. Probably have some more "thoughts" to add here after. Thanks, everybody!
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Old 05-23-2015, 01:23 PM
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Thank you for posting......your story came alive for me......I've lived through similar hangovers and destroyed apartments that take days to clean. Yes and no matter how much you brush or how much you gargle.......your still have cotton mouth. Thank you for reminding me. I plan on behaving myself.
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Old 05-23-2015, 01:31 PM
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I am sorry it happened but it was a worthwhile read for me. It brought it all back vividly. Feel better and don't do it again!
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Old 05-23-2015, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by SDH73 View Post
I was just thinking about it and I think that in some demented way I kind of wanted to detox again. To remember the residual pain of bingeing and how helpless I become when I let alcohol in. I'd gotten so used to sleeping well and waking up feeling good that I'd forgotten how miserable this is. Of course, that train of thought didn't consciously emerge, but I'd been having such a tough time lately that maybe I needed a reminder. I'd been working so hard to make things better that I forgot how BAD they COULD be.
I can't help but feel like this is all AV. You were like 4 or 5 months sober, right? What happens when you make a year or two and "forget" the misery again? Building a sober life, in my opinion is about finding those positives about living sober and doing anything you can to never lose them. Bad memories always fade and become distorted. You stay away from a bad relationship long enough and you can't even remember the bad things that happened anymore. All the more reason to focus on the positives. Remember, the AV is sneaky and will use ANY reason it can to get its fix.
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