daydreamer0217

I screwed up. That is the honest truth. I am so mad at myself. It has been a rough week for me. AX found a way to find me. I have moved, changed my numbers , deleted my facebook, and changed all my emails. he found me through an email acct and sent me this long letter, basically stating what a horrible friend I am. How dare I just walk away and stop talking to him. What kind of a person does that? etc... I know he is 16 weeks sober, so I just said congrats on staying sober and that I never want to hear from him again, and that I have been the best friend he has ever had and when and if he ever sees that , then we can talk. I should not have responded, I knew better. It has brought me back to a place that I do not want to be in. But the difference is this time I am more aware of it. I had a day of sadness, but it has passed. I didn't let it consume me and I did not engage in any more of his emails. But I have to admit, it has opened up feelings and memories that I don't want to think about. I am ok, I know I am. This too shall pass

but... there is a part of me that is so effin mad, 16 weeks sober, where is his light? where is his compassion? I don't know... just pisses me off I guess.

LexieCat

If he CONTINUES to contact you after you've made it clear (which you now have, if you hadn't already done so) see if you are eligible for a protective order.

Don't worry about his recovery at this point, focus on your own.

daydreamer0217

thanks hon, I am not worried about his recovery, I haven't even thought about him in over 10 days which is a lot for me. I just hoped that he had some reflection by now, but you are right not my concern

NYCDoglvr

This is how recovery works so let yourself off the hook for responding. Here's as good description of the process I went through, lol:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

daydreamer0217

Thankyou for that

AnvilheadII

there is a part of me that is so effin mad, 16 weeks sober, where is his light? where is his compassion?

1. how do you know for 1000% certainty that he IS sober?
2. getting sober doesn't automatically make individuals into better people, they don't hand you a "nice person kit" filled with compassion and honesty and consideration. sobriety does one thing....prevents getting drunk. that is it. a person must actively engage in "recovery" of some sort, learn to deal with their insides, make peace with their past, and learn how to live in and amongst others in a responsible and productive way.

sorry he found a way thru the arsenal of protection you have built.

daydreamer0217

oh I agree anvil, I know being sober doesnt automatically make problems go away. But, I am human, and I "hoped" one day he would say sorry, or reflect and want to talk about it. but I am not waiting, or wishing, or wanting. I have finally moved on. but.. like I said, I am human, and as a human, I have my moments. oh and I know he is sober because he wears an anklet that if he drinks he goes to jail,

PHIZ007

I am so sorry for your upset.

Once you are ready dust yourself off and get back on your recovery path.

We will all help you along the way.

Take care of YOU and the rest will follow. You can get back to where you were.

We all stumble, many times from my own experience!, on the path to recovery. We just need to get back up and onwards we stride.

TAke care Phiz ��

Duckygirl1

He's abstinent , not sober. And monitored, so it may not be a true desire on his part. If he were truly sober or at least working on it, he'd have no time to play detective tracking you down. If he had any self awareness or pride or at least consideration, he'd leave you alone. The fact that he still can't fathom your boundaries doesn't say much for his progress.

ladyscribbler

But, I am human, and I "hoped" one day he would say sorry, or reflect and want to talk about it.

Stupid hope. That stuff is like crack (or like what I imagine crack to be, highly addictive but ultimately pointless and destructive). I also have very human moments hanging on to hope. Maybe someday I'll be able to kick my "hope habit." In the meantime, progress not perfection. We all have those little mental slips. Good post.
O/T I really like your avatar pic.

daydreamer0217

Thanks ladyscribbler. I like the avatar too. Yeah. I must admit when he first dumped me. I had hoped he would see what i had done for him and be thankful and sorry. But that was months ago. I realize now. That i have to thank myself and that is enough for me. So when i got his email. I was surprised that i felt that hurt inside me that he was still scolding me. And not thanking me. But the good thing is: i let myself feel it. And have a sad day. Then i moved on... but i had to tell you guys. I was doing so good with no contact. And now i have to deal with these yucky feelings. Lol

daydreamer0217

Ducky. I dont get him. He left me. You know my story. Why is it sooooo important to him that we be friends. Doesn't much matter. I know now i am strong enough to walk away or read his stuff and i wont break.

noinsanity2423

Wow your story is so similar to mine. I had to block my ex alcoholic, drug addict, verbally abusive, sex addict fiancé because she would tell me the exact same thing. She said I was "wicked" for leaving, and it was my responsibility to help her get better. She said I ruined her life. Really, though, she said all this without apologizing for what she did to hurt me. She could have just admitted that she hurt me and promised to get into recovery. Instead, she chose to blame me. It's all about the addict in their head.

People are right. Sobriety doesn't fix the personality disorder. Only recovery and possibly counseling can help with that. You have a right to avoid talking to him if what he says hurts you. I've had to treat contact with my ex like a drug. Any time I have contact with her, I'm basically getting high, and then I wonder why I feel so bad afterwards. Codependency can be an addiction, too.

The protection order is also a good idea, but it only works if he keeps contacting you after you have asked him to stop. If you engage, it violates the protective order, and it would prevent you from getting one, too.

redatlanta

I'd ask you the same. In your response you stated "I never want to hear from him again, and that I have been the best friend he has ever had, and if he ever sees that then we can talk".

Mixed signals. There is nothing here that you need you don't need a "sorry" from him - and I don't believe you would ever get a sincere one. He is sorry, a sorry excuse of a human being. Just a couple of weeks ago you wrote that he was trying to get together with a friend of yours that he dated previous to you. Unless I am mistaken you found out he was cheating on you when you had lunch with an old friend and discovered they were dating.

He is a human recycle bin he disposes of people then recycles them later.

Dude and his problems is beyond your pay grade. Its clear that you are very compassionate and that some of his issues do stem from service in the military and PTSD. I am sorry that he has experienced that I truly am, but that does not excuse his cheating, lying and manipulation.

He is not "friend" material today or later. He needs about 2 - 4 years of intensive therapy by his own choice to conquer these demons. My guess is when the anklet comes off he'll just go back to previous behavior inclusive of drinking IF he makes it that long.

Give yourself a break on responding. We ARE all human and we DO make mistakes. Yesterday doesn't matter today is what counts, and tomorrow is something to look forward to.

I'm very proud of you for having gone no contact and the lengths you have gone to do so inclusive of changing your phone number. He does not respect personal boundaries, and I would expect further contact from him. Remember that no one like to play in the sandbox alone - no response is the best response.

dandylion

daydreamer....I agree with you that you have made good progress....in that you allowed yourself to feel the sadness, and, then, do what you knew that you "needed" to do. Of course, we can't help our feelings....but, we can manage them......

I say...good work!

dandylion

daydreamer0217

Thanks so much red. I didnt see it that way. Thanks dandy. You guys are all great!! I deeply appreciate the help and support.