knowthetriggers

I posted earlier that there are changes coming soon with my husband’s job. Here recently the President that is questioning his ability for a promotion called a brief meeting. It was to discuss the fact that they are going to post the position but my husband would be considered and would be allowed to interview, get the resume ready, blah, blah, blah.

This company is family owned not a mom and pop by any sense of the word but definitely family oriented. My husband and his current supervisor do not trust this President (he is pretty shady). The details of the meeting sounded more like blowing smoke up my husband’s a@@ than anything else.

I cannot lie; it brought him down a notch on the confidence level; however, instead of wallowing in it he kept himself busy. Actually took apart our broken dryer, googled how to, asked for help and then fixed it!

Sorry, I am trying to get to my point…

When we had a conversation about this he still sounded bothered. He said he was. Said he was going to send out his resume to other companies as well as interview for this one. He said he felt he had outgrown his market as far as salary and he didn’t have a bachelor’s degree, etc…..

^^This is where I was trying to hold back – but I just couldn’t. I said that he doesn’t know what other companies pay and that just because they say you need a Bachelor’s does not mean they won’t consider you. He does have an Associate’s Degree and 19+ years’ experience in his field.

I just feel like he cuts himself short in times like this. Seems to be so negative and I am fighting to keep it all positive! I wonder if I should just stay quiet about it all. I mean I am not stressing over the outcome, it is what it is. I want to support him but I feel like I am trying to convince him instead.

UGH – I know I can’t fix this. I can’t make them give him the promotion. And most of all I can’t convince him to be positive!!!
Sometimes I think I fall short myself when it comes to listening and understanding his view.

How can I be positive and not try to sound like I am trying to influence his thoughts?

I have been doing really good lately minding my business, but a change in jobs does impact the family finances, etc.

I just want to support him – not cross the line to control him! When I cross over to his side of the street I get Codie Crazy! Even my language changes; for example, I say thinks like “YOU should be doing this”, “Why are YOU saying that, YOU should be saying it this way”, “YOU should tell him”.

Crazy words right? But this is what I had become and working SO hard to stay away from.

Sorry for the ramble and if it is a bit off topic, but thanks for reading.

LexieCat

My first husband--lovely man, still a good friend--is naturally negative. He looks for the lurking disaster everywhere, and often (IMO) sells himself short. He is who he is. He sometimes calls me (still) for a look at the positive side of something.

You can be positive and encouraging, I think (he often tells me now that it helped him when we were still together, but it wore me out) without getting too attached to the outcome. He may need that encouragement and positivity and it may help him even if he still doesn't do things the way you THINK he should.

ETA: I think you are right about watching how you phrase things in terms of what he "should" be thinking, feeling, or doing. You can phrase it instead by saying things like, "Well, here's another way to look at it," or "You might want to think about/consider doing...."

knowthetriggers

Thanks Lexie -

You always have such helpful insight

CodeJob

I've been struggling with a very similar issue. RAH is just naturally not aggressive enough at work. He has this belief that his value in a company should be recognized on its own accord. It does not work that way any longer. You need to speak up a bit and network at least a bit! He seems to grasp this change, but does not do anything differently.

I've been telling him to see a job coach. I have flat out been telling him I'm his wife and we've talked his career to death. He literally says the SAME things in the SAME tone of voice. He will start out THREE jobs ago still worked up about how things went down there... I put up my hand and say I'm not going back that far! Go see a counselor or a job coach to deal with your issues that clearly still remain that far back! He gets mad at me but I stop the conversation. He is stuck. It isn't my job any longer to point him in the right direction.

I falter sometimes at this... Typically I find myself looking at jobs for him... AGH!

knowthetriggers

I used to do this ^^

My Codie mom taught me how :/

I just can't go back....I feel like I have driven myself too far to start slipping back now!

But it is very frustrating. I just want to take him by the shoulders and shake him a little.

I have to be honest and say that when he was drinking heavily it was much worse - MUCH WORSE. He has worked thru some of the muck and believes a little more in himself but there are these times when he doubts himself and it drives me crazy. I see such potential in him.

I do what I can to make sure my two girls think positive, step outside of the box and but their best foot forward.

FireSprite

RAH has been going through an evolution of changes in his career over the course of his sobriety & it has definitely been one of the biggest day-to-day hurdles for him, so far as I can interpret. We have a long history of disagreeing about the way he manages his work life & the kinds of things he seems willing to tolerate.

He's not a negative person in every way, but selling himself short & berating himself with negative self-talk is something he has perfected. It goes way back into his childhood FOO issues, so it's a long-standing habit. I "get" it, but I can't help him see himself differently. He has to choose to widen his perspective & accept the new things it shows him.

During conversations I have definitely commented on how sorry I am for him that he is stuck in this mental loop & can't see what the rest of us can. Of course, the shame he has from the damaging things he has said/done over the course of his addiction only adds to his negative talk.

About a year ago I finally started looking at his job/career issues in a more detached way. It was hard because his income certainly impacts the entire family. Luckily, I was able to create savings from my own income over time because having a safety net (no matter how little) made it far easier to Let Go.

I've found that I can only affect his overall positivity by demonstrating it in my own words & actions. It's something I strive for anyway & part of the core values I teach DD - energetically, like attracts like. He had to see that himself & try & fail a few times before it started to work for him. It's not an overnight change; he had to have patience & stick to it & wait for the tide to turn.

I supported him by encouraging him to get back up after getting knocked down, to just keep trying. I stopped commenting at all when he would share (partly because he's not a big talker & he's more likely to open up with fewer interruptions), asking questions instead. He seems to hear the same "suggestions" differently as questions vs. statements. I can definitely hear the difference in my tone & sense the difference in my body language this way too - we're both learning better communication tools like this. I spend a little more time formulating my thoughts into questions, which stops me from reacting as much. It's like running everything through a filter & allows me to speak with more integrity/be more impeccable with my words. (I'm a big fan of the 4 agreements )

I'll ask him specifically, "Are you asking my opinion?" when he seems to be digging for it. And I offer just the big picture of what I see, I stay out of the details (like, you should say this/do that). I use a lot of detached phrases when I'm listening, "sorry you're going through this", "that really stinks", etc.

He had to work his way through this himself no matter how clearly *I* could see a faster, more clear path to the same result. Last December he was in flux again - frustrated with his job & it's limitations (as well as his own limits; bad back, undereducated, etc.). Finally though, he handled it in a different way & ended up laying the groundwork for a new career he hadn't considered before, because he wouldn't open his eyes wide enough to even see that it existed. Now he can see how the decisions he made in Dec impacted what he's experiencing now, that by playing the tape all the way through & accepting that there's more out there than what he can see right in front of him he opened himself up for more opportunities. I couldn't have ever made that same impact.

knowthetriggers

Thank you for sharing this. It really hit home for me. That is exactly why my AH does this to himself. He is hard wired that way, since childhood. His parents never supported him and as a young teen he loved to read until the day his dad called him a P_ _ _Y

I know I can't make up for what his parents did not provide but I think that could be why I try so hard.

Thanks to all of you. It has really helped to read your stories and for me to "talk" this out.

FireSprite

It is worth noting that I think one other very big event helped my RAH finally make this change.

He had started this new job in January & liked it from the get-go, but he had started having a FOO meltdown about a month earlier (Christmas was pure hell, he was triggering & stressing & snowballing way out of control) & could see how all his old crap was, once again, impacting his future. After completely losing it one night right after New Year's he called his mom & told her everything he'd been suppressing for a lifetime. (well, more ranting & screaming than talking)

That led to him flying out of state to see them so that he could confront them all in person - mom, stepdad, brothers, step brothers. He wanted everyone to hear him at the same time so there could be no he said/she said. I knew there was no way this was ever going to force change, but I also knew he needed to get it out for him, not them. Before he left, we talked a lot about having realistic expectations of the outcome & focusing more on saying what he needed to say & letting go of how they received & interpreted his thoughts.

It made a HUGE difference in him & in his recovery when he got through this event. Enormous! Like an actual weight had been lifted. Again though, not something I could have pushed for or resolved for him... he had to get there in his own time, in his own way.

Thumper

You can show him how you support *him*. Not what he does or how he does it or change how he thinks - but support him just as he is. When you want to say things like this..."YOU should be doing this”, “Why are YOU saying that, YOU should be saying it this way”, “YOU should tell him”. maybe you could shift it to "I know you are good at what you do." or "I see you working hard ever day." or "When you get into that meeting remember how competent and deserving you are and you'll find the right words." "You are just as awesome with or without that job." If he is really a talker and just keeps at it you might say something like "Feelings aren't facts babe and the fact is - I know you to be awesome. "

Nothing stresses me out more than needing support or someone to lean on and getting advice instead or someone trying to convince me I've got it wrong - even if I really do have it wrong and know it. Unless I am asking someone for advice or to tell me what to do - I mostly just want people to listen and care and if they are really awesome they'll say something that makes me feel safe no matter what happens.

LexieCat

Totally LOVE that. Actually, the entire post.

Very, VERY good communication strategies.

knowthetriggers

Thanks again everyone. Seriously I thought twice about posting this, wasn't even sure I was on topic (I may not be) but I really struggle with this issue.

You guys have me some really good suggestions.

Thumper...I hate being told what to do my own self, yet it is so easy for me to dish it out. Thank you for bringing to my attention that I should not just change my approach but perhaps open my ears and listen!!