Liveitwell

Yeegads. In the last few days I've gotten two messages from my ex: why aren't you responding, I just wanted to be your husband, and a picture of a note I wrote him over 9 years ago before we got married. Truthfully? I cried and cried and cried. I have nothing but compassion for him-not anger. My Codie gets riled up and screams "fight this, fight against your sin or it will destroy you like it's destroyed your marriage and family and I can't help you-nobody can-you have to help yourself!!" I still feel very strongly for this person, even after everything, as he was what God knew I needed in my life-he brought out the good, the great in me-before he spiraled into addiction and me into depression, anger, etc. But I can clearly look back and see that what seemed like trivial things at the beginning have just turned into huge mountains-Enabling family, addiction, etc. were always there-and he chose not to address them. sorry for rambling-usually I'm very concise but this week being the end if school just has my mind scrambled!
I do wonder-when is it truly not quacking? How do you ever truly know? And one more question-after watching "The Notebook " the other night I of course cried but started to wonder, what's so bad about codependent love?! They needed one another to be happy and it turned out great! Am I just totally careening off track here?!? Mind is jumbled.

LexieCat

You know it's not quacking when they are actually RECOVERING. From what I understand he isn't well, he continues to drink and harbors a lot of anger. I understand wanting to BELIEVE he means what he says, but unfortunately, it sounds like a lot of self-pity, guilt-tripping and manipulation.

And co-dependent love--complete with happy ending--is a staple of fiction. It's fiction, because it is a pleasant fantasy. It's as real as Cinderella and the prince.

BlueChair

I cant judge if hes being honest with his feelings. He very well may be, but this doesnt mean he knows how to fix his problems, or even understands what his problems are entirely. He can be honest about his feelings but still unable to control whats churning inside him with anger, or drinking.

I dont use labels like codependency. Unhealthy love occurs. In many movies there is deep attachment shown but its based on healthy love. There is nothing wrong with forming attachments and caring about others deeply, as long as you still love and care for yourself.

AnvilheadII

And one more question-after watching "The Notebook " the other night I of course cried but started to wonder, what's so bad about codependent love?! They needed one another to be happy and it turned out great! Am I just totally careening off track here?!? Mind is jumbled.

um, The Notebook was FICTION. two really attractive ACTORS performing their ROLES. in fiction, anything can happen.

real life has its drawbacks, downsides, and disappointments.

his two messages were not about the ACTIONS he plans to take, with earnest vigor, but what he WANTS to be and a picture from a decade ago. he is neither now. he is NOT the man 9 years ago, NOR the man he might be someday.

he is who is NOW.

if you go out to start your car and it's out of gas....you can't just remember when it had a full tank, or how it will run when it gets more gas and have it start. that is the NOW.

if your house is on fire, staying inside recalling what the house used to be like before the flames actually impedes your egress to SAFETY.

when he reports to you that he has a full YEAR of solid unbroken recovery under his belt, you MAY wish to reconsider. he owes you at least that much...........

fluffyflea

It's not quacking if he's made changes and is working a program and is sober.

If he's still whirling around in his alcoholism it's quacking period.

Liveitwell

I know this stuff!!!! I know it! Fell off the wagon but am back on. Lack of sleep definitely messes with you ... HALT for sure. Thanks, guys.

redatlanta

He is not sad enough to address his addiction issues while you were together or now that you are apart. I read back through your feed, he has really done some really horrible things to you. When I see a statement like 'I just wanted to be your husband" after reading what he has done it makes me want to laugh. The word "husband" in his context is just a legal definition. He hadn't been a husband in many years.

I guess you could call it quacking. I call it manipulation and it has worked Because you are upset.

There is a difference between being codependent and helping someone. Helping someone is fine, I need help. Others need help. Your situation is not comparable to what happened in "The Notebook", and movies are scripts. We don't live a script. Movies and TV are half the reason people end up sticking it out. Love conquers all. That's simply not real life. The female in that movie also had alzheimers. While I believe alcoholism is a disease it is one that can be treated and put in "remission". There is not comparison to an organic disease or illness. Both my parents are very ill, one has had a stroke and heart attack and the other has bone marrow cancer. I have taken a pretty massive hit financially, emotionally and physically to offer the care for them they need. They are getting treated and doing the best that they can, but its not enough. There is no choice beyond what they have done and are doing to make things better, and it never will be. What they have done is what they should do they are cooperating in making things the best it can be. This is not codependency, enabling or a movie, its real life.

I wouldn't be doing the same for an alcoholic.

CodeJob

That movie cause a lot of forlorn love.

You're much better off watching this classic -
http://youtu.be/RnVY2zpVTNg

dandylion

Forourgirls........dude has a lot to learn about what constitutes a healthy relationship. That is why he would benefit from working a strong program for a few years.......to change his thinking and his attitude and his actions...
The selfishness and self=focus and narcissism that goes along with the disease does not make for good relationship material......
Relationships are work and require maturity and a good knowledge of how one's actions affect others around them. This is out of reach for an un-recovering alcoholic.
Since the un-recovering are not even in touch with themselves--their "real" selves---how in the world do you expect them to be in touch with others?

It is o.k. for you to cry.....and, normal for you to be heartbroken. The heartbreak is the same if the relationship was good or toxic....when the loss of one's love object is gone.....
You have to heal.....and, healing takes time (and, usually a lot of tears).
You must learn to be more patient with yourself---you can't expect overnight results......

Sounds like he wants the easy way out also....lol!! He wants what he wants...and, he wants it now.....he sounds like he wants to "skip" the years of learning about himself and how to live life on l ife's terms.....
(one or two years, for starters).

dandylion

Liveitwell

True....very true. That is typical addict behavior and I know this-I know it. I so want to believe but I don't-the words are just words without action to back them up. Geez, that's what really did it for me after his first time at rehab (7 days and he was cured) is him demanding that I just buy off on his words (I guess that I should forget about how many years he lied to me!?!)....I didn't and it got bad quickly. I recall him telling me, listen, I've changed and if it's going to take you years to trust me again, I'm not doing that. Funny-when you said your vows forever isn't too long. Yes-I know, crying is very good for me-it's a great release! When I brought up the movie I wasn't saying I looked at that as a "how to" for romance. It just got me thinking about how much crap is out there that is not reality. Thank you all for replying

Liveitwell

@dandy-yes, very true....I used to be the same way....when I was in my addiction I too acted like that at times- why won't you just believe me, etc, etc-really acting like a kid. My feelings were always real and founded on actual reality but I couldn't get away from myself-it was me that held the key all along and after I finally saw that, I decided to take myself back. One day at a time. And I did it for me. I recall sitting down with him in deep remorse for how I had treated him when I was depressed, angry and just out of control at times-my sickness-and I told him the truth: I'd show him through my actions that I had changed and no matter how long it took, that was ok. I meant it. I do so understand not knowing how to fix a problem....even though it's killing everything you love. I get it. Truly. I guess what's even truer now is I'm no longer the same person either-I loved who he was...a good person that did see how his actions impacted me. That person is long gone and I no longer believe the lies, manipulation, or accept self pity. It's on us to pick ourselves up and have the dignity to do it. I have no plans for another relationship-my focus is me and the girls-and God. Only He knows what is going to happen! Thanks again for your thoughts.