Tangled34

Hi all I was just wondering if I could get some advice. I have been married to my husband for 6 years been together for over 17 years. I think he may have a drink problem but am unsure. He always liked to have a drink and there have been a few episodes over the years but few and far between. The last 2 years I feel like his drinking has gotten worse he has started going on 2 and 3 day benders not coming home until 4.00 a.m. and sometimes later and going back out again the next morning and this could go on for a few days until he is physically sick from it. In the last year it has been affecting his work in that he has been missing days so he can go drinking he has also missed birthdays, kids hospital appointments etc. because he is out drinking and he is always thinking about the next session e.g. weekend away, holiday, party, event (anything where drink is involved). I have asked him to leave on a few occasions but stupidly took him back thinking that he would change if he loved us enough. How wrong was I!

Anyway after his last episode I asked him to leave and that was six weeks ago. He has been staying with his parents and says that he is doing things differently now in that he wont be going out drinking during the week anymore but yet he is out all weekend. He says he is not going to change and he is fine where he is. Now I feel like it is all my fault in that he was only going on these benders because he didnt want to be home with me and our child and he doesnt love us and that is why he has being doing this and maybe he doesnt have a problem maybe I was just the problem. Any advice?

Ruby2

Tangled, sorry for what brought you here and welcome. I'm an alcoholic, married to an alcoholic/addict. My husband does the benders, staying out until 4 or 5 a.m.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and is not in any way your fault or the fault of your child. You are not the problem. At all. I'm guessing but I think he's probably an alcoholic. He will not stop until he is ready to stop. Doesn't matter how much he loves you. Doesn't matter how much he loves your child or the whole family being together. It's not you.

Check out the Family and Friends of Alcholics Forum here, on SR for more support. It's tough. If he's out of the house, and you are doing okay, I'd probably leave him out of the house and not take him back unless you are willing to put up with more of the same. Honestly.

Anna

Tangled, I'm sorry for your situation. You and your child deserve better treatment than that.

If your husband says he is fine and doesn't need to change, then there's really nothing you can do. I hope that you find some peace in your life.

And, do check out our Friends & Families forum on this board.

doggonecarl

He has a drink problem and I think you are pretty sure about it, but in your situation I'm sure you'd like to hear something different, something you can pin some hope on.

Read around the forum. There's hope. Lots of us have gotten sober, gotten our lives in order.

But we had to want to be sober. Your husband wants to drink. And he will until he decides to quit.

Tangled34

Well i'm pretty sure he does have a problem but something inside me keeps telling me that maybe its me in that now he is at his parents house he is sitting tight all week and waiting for the weekend and then he is out all weekend and he couldnt do that for us But I will not let him come back this time because we deserve better than that and I realise that he will only give it up when he wants to and not when I tell him to but I feel so sad and lonely

tnman1967

I'm sorry to say that being out all weekend drinking is not normal either. He has a drinking problem and I consider it alcoholic behavior if not straight out Alcoholic. I'm not trying to be mean and to take your hope away but like everyone else said. Until he wants to quit drinking and only have a party night occasionally, and I don't mean every other weekend either. More like a couple of times a year he might go out and have a few more than he should. That I could live with, anything above that is alcoholism. This is just my take on it and I speak from thirty five years of alcohol abuse.

least

What he's doing is HIS behavior and is NOT your fault in any way. It is classic alcoholic thinking to blame your trouble on everyone but yourself.

Please make sure you and your child are safe and happy.

Hevyn

I'm glad you found us Tangled. You never have to be alone with your thoughts and fears.

I'm a double winner - an alcoholic who was married to one. Before I understood the disease, I blamed myself for his drinking - the same way you did. I also blamed the pressures of his job, his awful childhood. I found out too late that I had made too many excuses for him. I'm glad you're seeking help in dealing with this.

Dee74

I'm with everyone else here Tangle. It is not your fault your husband drinks. Drinking is what an active alcoholics does.

I blamed everyone for my drinking - but the fact was I used everything as an excuse.

If you were really to blame for his drinking he would have stopped by now. He hasn't.

It's just excuses.

I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know this is a great place for support

D

Tangled34

Thank you guys for the reassurance. It is tough and hopefully he will realize it soon before it is too late.

GroundhogDay

Please don't put your own life on "hold" waiting.

BoutDamnTime

Bingo.

biminiblue

Tangled, here is the link to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section of these forums.

When you click this, at the top of the list are a bunch of information threads that start with "Sticky" - you may find comfort in them.

Friends & Family is a great resource for people who are involved with an active alcoholic.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information