seek

I read in another thread that some parents had moved to get away from their alcoholic or drug addicted kids/relatives - I would like to know more about that process - what happened to get you to that place and what the process was like from start to finish - just basically your story of why you relocated and how it is working out for you.

I just got done being an unqualified detox "nurse" for the second time. My "patient" has periods of actual withdrawal psychosis and I am done - the only problem is that he literally walks around drunk in my neighborhood (or did this time - I spotted him as I was closing the blinds last Sunday night) - last time he showed up on my doorstep at 11:00 p.m. Both times I took him to the hospital and then to my house where I took care of him as he was detoxing - and the psychotic episodes have nearly done me in (he will be seemingly fine and then jump up and say he is "done" and want to run out the door - I have stopped him so far (don't ask how), but I can't do it anymore.

He also turns on me and starts insulting me somewhere in his detox process. It's just not a healthy, peaceful way to live and I really want peace in my life, and I don't think I can have it if I am living anywhere near him.

Right now I am helping him with sober living until he gets on his feet again, and I pray he does. I love him very much, as you might imagine. But enough is enough. I have to save myself.

So if you are so inclined, I would love to hear from those of you who have moved away. I LOVE where I live now, but am thinking of other options today - I don't know if I am overreacting or if this would actually be a good step for me to take. I am going to give myself permission to at least fantasize about it .

Seren

Seek

I'm sorry you found yourself in the role of Detox nurse. That had to be very painful and stressful.

I don't have any moving away story to share, because my stepson moved, my sister moved, and all the rest of my addict family members never lived nearby.

I hope someone will be along soon to share their story.

How are you doing after all of that?

seek

Thank you, Seren. I am having a little meltdown (or was) - just detoxing myself from the process.

Interestingly (to me), I have been doing a lot of work on myself and felt okay during most of the events that transpired. Last night my guard was down (and it always happens late at night when I'm tired) and I did have a bad effect from that incident - they take (I would estimate) around 30 minutes of intense yelling and agitation. It is quite horrible. I just got done cleaning and saging my house from the energetic remnants.

I am processing the entire event now - and my feelings are surfacing. I knew I could not process my feelings in real time around him because it is not productive (pisses him off and then we have more problems) - so I understand that I can't have a "voice" around him. It is just not permitted and most of the time, I am able to control myself.

But he started insulting me last night and I said something and then he bolted up and the entire drama began.

I would say 80% of the process with him was tolerable and even enjoyable - because I do love him - but the 20% was terrible and I never want to put myself in that position again, but am fearful I won't be able to turn him away because when he shows up, he is so pathetic and docile - plus he has no resources.

But one of the things he said to me was that all of my help had not helped him - look where he is now - and that pissed me off because I have backed away - was not interacting with him - he would call me for stuff but I was not seeking him out and was limiting my exposure to him - it's like he was blaming me for his drinking - in fact at one point when he was attempting to run away at 10:30 p.m. and was going to go to a motel, he said he wanted to drink and I said "I bet you do. Have fun." I felt it was a manipulation (and probably also true because he is an alcoholic - but I thought he was saying it partially to punish me). Such a sick dynamic (on both parts, I know).

My "motive" is always to do whatever "one last thing" might be that will result in him getting on track.

Thanks for letting me process, because it was completely exhausting and I'm old. I cannot lose my health over his decisions and his lifestyle choices and preferences. In many ways, it's a simple clash of values - I value health, and he has been valuing the opposite. I hope that changes. I am always "hoping" something!

pilotlady

Hi Seek - I was one of the parents who joined a similar thread regarding this issue. Briefly - I moved a few years ago (I also live on the West Coast) to another area about 2 hours from my son. It was for two reasons: to move a bit further from him and his father who has been "stalking" me for 5 years. My son had gotten to the point where the threats, abuse, etc. from his addiction were just too much for me to handle. So I understand how exhausting this is for you.

I am not sure what details you would like to hear, but I moved the first place where I found work. I have to work so that was the deciding factor. Now, it was not easy. I left lifelong friends and the place I knew as home, but it was a necessity at the time.

I have a much more peaceful life, but am lonely at times. But, the memories
of what I had gone through with my son make me ok with the alone times.
I live in a beautiful area of California and am pretty okay here.

Please let me know if there is anything else you would like to know.

seek

Thank you, pilotlady. I am just curious to what lengths some relatives might go to find peace. I do not want to be a victim of perpetual cycles of drama and dysfunction. Close proximity to the alcoholic/addict makes that inevitable if he does not find sobriety for himself. I have been struggling with this - trying to figure it out - how I could divest myself of this problem.

I concluded that I couldn't - that it must be my karma to face at now 66 year's old. This started when I was around 62 - I had no clue there was a problem (he was only 18), so it really caught me by surprise.

Who could imagine that out-of-the-blue they could have such a problem when I had been under the impression that my life might finally get easier (and this is faulty thinking right here, because no one is guaranteed anything, but I "thought" I was home free and might be able to finally relax and have some good years).

The victim part of it stinks - I hate that I feel like, as my ex-husband said, my grandson is the conductor and we are all the orchestra - or as I put it - he is the puppetmaster and we are the puppets. That's how it feels.

If I can figure out a way to free myself, that would be healthy, but I don't want to just be reactive and it would be a very, very radical solution.

Just curious about other people and their experiences.

I think if you are moving for work, it makes it a little more logical than someone just upping and moving away to get away.

I understand how it could be lonely if you are leaving good friends. That must have been hard. Good friends are invaluable.

Do you maintain any contact with your son (phone, text, social media?)

INgal

Seek, I entertain the idea of moving several times a day. It's the saddest thing.
Hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I too have said "why me?". At our last family therapy session I had to acknowledge that none of us are guaranteed smooth sailing in this life. I realized after I had said "but we aren't the stereotypical alcoholic/addict family", that there are plenty of people who aren't stereotypical. So sad.

seek

Yes. It is a "Why me?" scenario and that puts a person in the victim position. Other than escaping by relocating, I would have to simply "accept" this problem, with grace and that seems a very unlikely prospect. I have heard of few who can do that (one wrote a book so that is in my mind at the moment) - but it is rare to be able to "accept the unacceptable."

I guess moving, death, and acceptance are the only possibilities. Am I missing anything?

Seren

seek

I'm so sorry. I suppose I can share this part of my story. When my (now) stepson was kicked out of his father's house, we were not yet married but engaged. So many traumatic things happened in that house, that we considered having it blessed by our parish priest because it was such a dark place in our minds. For that reason, and because it had been the family home with his late wife, we bought a new home right before we got married.

So I suppose we did move, but it was within the same town. On the day we were married, my stepson was 'enjoying the hospitality' (incarcerated) of a nearby county.

I worry for you that unless and until your grandson decides to get help for himself, he will still show up at your door when he needs something because he has been successful at getting shelter or money from you in the past. If you can't suffer through anymore of his unannounced appearances, then one option would be to move.

I don't know that you would like the other option...which would be to ignore him when he does show up and call the police if he becomes violent or aggressive.

Would it be possible to move within the same town and not let your grandson know where?

pilotlady

Since moving, my son and I have had a "off and on" relationship. He has had periods of being clean and periods of "deep into" his addiction. The past 9 months have been the worst. He has been in and out of jail and I just do not see any signs of him wanting to change. Many black out periods when we do not communicate at all. As of today, I have no idea if he is alive or even where he is.

But, the distance keeps me from seeking him out. As you stated, I have been the "puppet" in his show. Like Seren, I was going to suggest that perhaps you could move somewhere else within the same town?? That way you are not completely uprooting your life, but would feel safe.

seek

I live in a very small town, so it wouldn't be a good option to move elsewhere in the town and he would eventually find out because we have been close and when things are good he would be welcome in my house.

Could I eventually turn him away? I don't know. Today I am going to call a rehab in my town that works with the County (I think - not sure) and see if they provide free detox or rehab services or what the deal is and if that is an option then I could offer a ride.

I am the only person in the family that has had contact with him under these circumstances - I am mentioning that here not to note the situation for me, but my lack of familial support. There are people in the family who are so negatively impacted by this that they themselves started drinking and/or had to seek hospital services.

Thank you for your input. I know there are no easy answers and that is now why I was searching for more info on really radical solutions - and I know that there are no "geographic cures" for alcoholics - was just interested in the family members who had mentioned it as something they had done.

DoubleDragons

I think it is much easier to live away from my alcoholic mother. I used to live several states away and now I live about 3 hours from my parents. We used to have a few long visits over a year's span which worked. She would only get drunk at night during her visits and not every night. I didn't realize how entrenched she was in her alcoholism until we ended up living in the same area. I come up with excuses all of the time as to why I can't see them and I worry a lot more. Since my sister is out-of-state when my mom's health gets really bad, I know that the caretaking will fall more on me. It just is easier to have boundaries when you don't live around them.

pilotlady

I think it just comes down to what is best for you. I realize some do not understand what I did, while others totally get it. In the end, I question every decision I have made wondering if it made the situation worse. But, my son is 27, not 7. I just have a hard time not taking the blame for things.

Hope everyone has a quiet weekend.

Refiner

Wow, you sure give your grandson a lot of power over you. Uprooting yourself bc of his issues seems kind of extreme. Why should you be punished? Remember, only YOU can give YOU the good years. You are putting yourself in the victim mode. Why not put your foot down and make firm boundaries? Have you gotten any support for your self such as joining an alanon group? You really don't have to open that door. Or answer that phone, or, or,,,

seek

Refiner: I have had many, many years in Alanon and it doesn't help ME when my grandson is suffering and shows up on my doorstep. I am just not wired to turn him away - or I have not been able to do it yet.

I have had good boundaries in the past - last time when he texted me and there was drama for several days and I knew he was "out," I went about my business and when he asked me for stuff, I said it would be a bandaid and said "No," but then he took a bus to my house and ended up on my doorstep at 11:00 p.m. at night. I could not turn my back on him.

I don't know what to do other than collect resources and try to give them to him and try to not be so sympathetic when he shows up in medical distress - that is the part that is hard for me.

I know others have done it.

I am very strong, but not so very strong in this one area.

Yes, he does have power over the entire family. When you love someone and they are self-destructive, they have power over your heartstrings and emotions. I don't know anyone who would argue with that, although it is probably a matter of degree. Some people are able to shut their hearts as a self-preservation tactic - some are not able to do it. I don't know what the variables are.

pilotlady

Refiner - It is not being a victim, but rather what we have always done. Hard to "un-do" years of helping and loving. Addicts do not get the "no" answer. I understand Seek completely. My son would take a taxi to my work or home to get my attention until I gave him what he wanted. It is a very hard situation to be in and know the right thing to do. They do not understand boundaries, so a bit hard to have them. Sometimes removing yourself physically from the situation is the only option.

seek

I did get an idea from Refiner that I am going to research more thoroughly. I know this is not the Spiritual section, but this might help others, so I will share it (and if it offends you, please skip it) . . . In Course of Miracles there is a teaching about "Sympathy" - how it weakens the person you are sympathetic to - I think if I really understood this teaching, there is a possibility I might be able to apply it.

I have to come up with a game plan for a "next time" this might happen. I need to know what to do late at night or in the middle of the night, or in bad weather, or when he is suffering in some way and comes to me - I need to have some kind of way to be prepared so I can find some peace.

Maybe I could prepare taxi numbers (but how would I pay them?) to take him to the hospital.

Maybe I could have a kit of some kind available with resource numbers and warm clothes?

I am looking for creative answers so I don't HAVE to be a victim.

Thanks!

Kindeyes

I may be one of the people you are referring to regarding moving away in the other thread. But I think it's important to understand the context of my reasoning.

I am pursuing a dream that I have shared with my dear husband for several years. I did not move to get away from the drama--that is a nice side benefit however. The reason that this is important is because, just like the addict/alcoholic, there really isn't a geographical cure for family members either. If we move away because of them, it leaves the opportunity to be resentful if we are unable to adjust to our new location. I had a lot of work to do on me before making this move.

I had to learn how to deal with my son's issues. I had to learn to say no. I had to learn how to be happy regardless of the current status of my son. I had to learn how to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he threw insults and walk away. I had to learn how to state my boundaries clearly without being mean about it. I had to learn how to say "You do have resources and I am not your best option". I had to learn to take accountability for my own behaviors (which eventually had become as dysfunctional and sick as his). I had to learn how to change me. I had to learn to live in today and stop obsessing about the past or what I might have done wrong as a mother or obsessing about the future or if he might wind up dead. I had to learn to say "I love you" and let him go. I had to learn to laugh at myself and embrace my imperfections (of which there are many).

All of those things had to happen before I was able to move to another country to pursue the dream that Mr. KE and I had shared for a long time. I had to make sure I knew how to be happy where I was and to make sure that I was not moving to try to find happiness. I had to fully comprehend that my help has never really helped and doing the same thing over and over and over again was a symptom of my own warped thinking. I had to understand that my son does have options but he doesn't "like" them....and why should he if I was always there providing a more palatable option for him. I am confident that my son knows what his options are and if things become too dire, he knows where he can find appropriate help.

We have been gone for the better part of eight months. My son is able to text me but I would block him in a heartbeat if he became abusive. He has not. Our relationship has actually improved--perhaps it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder . My husband and I are enjoying our time as a couple without children, work, or the addiction of my son coming between us.

I've already experienced one of those dreadful moments when someone I love dearly is dead in the blink of an eye.....that phone call that starts out with "there has been an accident". I don't want to dwell on the sorrows of tomorrow.....I want to live my life to the best of my ability today. I don't want to dwell on the what ifs or if onlys......I have reached a state of acceptance that I never thought I would......I accept that I have absolutely no control over another human being. And I can wish until I'm blue in the face and it isn't going to make a tinkers damn. But I can still hope....and I do.

Today I am living a quiet life.....loving....living....and experiencing the joy of simple moments......in a far away place. The drama is going to happen whether I am there or here.....but I no longer have a front row seat.

I don't have a crystal ball to tell the future and, of course, time will reveal more....it always does. So I will be patient and allow time to happen.....and I will enjoy these peaceful moments while I can. I will let my son live his life to the best of his ability and find comfort believing that he is in God's hands.

I hope that provides some answers for you. If you have specific questions, please feel free to ask. This was a choice that my husband and I made for ourselves....it's not for everyone. But I'm happy to share my experience....and if it helps someone else....that's great......if not....that's ok too.

Refiner

Uber for the transport?

Refiner

But that's just it... "Until you gave". He knew you would give. In no way am I saying it's easy, just saying it's possible.

pilotlady

You are exactly right. I did give for many years. And I regret it. Unfortunately, I was alone as my ex-husband was not able to help me in any way in the situation.
There were times when my son scared me. And, I did not understand addiction. I have tried to learn as much as I can and take care of myself and love him from afar. I no longer "give" and he knows that.

Like others, just letting him figure it out. And learning to love him in a different way.