Im pregnant and my husband is an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 2
Im pregnant and my husband is an addict
Im heart broken right now more than ever. My husband had a drug problem back in his early school years and then we both met while we were active duty. He got out because he got a DUI (his second) , he went back to Mi and was sentenced to 3 days in jail and probation for 9 months. Im here stationed in hawaii, we have maintained a long distance marriage every so often seeing each other. His probation requirements were no drinking, going to bars or anything. Being home after one month he changed completely. drinking, going to bars and he has been cheating on me since he got home. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago and he is out of control. he's been so mean and evil, I found out he has cheated on me with multiple women on craigslist ads, dating sites just so many things. He's been drinking and now i have found out that he's been doing drugs, painkillers, shrooms and from others they have mentioned cocaine. he is a completely different person. When I confronted him about the drugs he just went all crazy angry that I brought it up to his father (Here's the twist his family knew about the cheating long before I found out, they had already suspected drugs because he's so moody and angry and secretive) he told me he hates me, he doesn't love me, wants a divorce, to have an abortion, he denies all drug use. He's on this dating sites still. Ive never felt so alone, its the worst feeling i have right now. I've been dealing with his emotional and verbal abuse for so long, I had thoughts of him cheating before and he'd deny them, call me emotion or crazy or say How do I know you're not doing it. Its been horrible. He says he doesn't need help, I'm lost. so lost right now. please help if youve been on his end or my end. please. right now we are not talking and I quit sending him money and took him off my phone plan its hard I'm just so upset, he's acting like everything is fine and is just doing everything cheating and what not talking to other women, no remorse and still doing what he did except now not secret about it. Its hard right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
This guy does not sound like a good or worthy life-partner or father, lauracarres. You have employment, a home, a child on the way and a life to be lived; try to make plans that center around and focus on those terrific positives.
Welcome to SR; I am so sorry for what brings you here.
Welcome to SR; I am so sorry for what brings you here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
You can only act upon what you're being presented with.
That is a battle I have had with my estranged AH constantly. He has had a drinking problem in the past & has said very similar things. He has called me every name under the sun. So when he, sober, has said that he does not mean those things & wants our marriage & our son (now 7mos), I simply tell him that that isn't what his words or actions seem like.
Your husband, right now, is saying what he means, whether or not he is completely in control of his impulses or not. And you need to act on that, because to do otherwise is unsafe & unhealthy.
It is hard. It will never not be hard. But for the sake of your life with your baby, you need to cut ties with him under no uncertain terms.
There are lots of resources that you can go to, and since you are Military I would suggest contacting Rear D for support, your own chain of command for your safety, and any groups on base that help divorced, divorcing and/or single parent personnel. Also your chaplain.
Outside the military, there are plenty of social services groups & nonprofits that will assist with things like free counseling, paperwork tutorials for divorce, baby needs, and financial assistance. I've posted about those on another thread & will copy-paste to here.
Believe me, I understand what it's like to feel that marrying a person who has turned out to be so bad for you is somehow "your fault" for not having ESP.
You are not a psychic. You are not inside his brain. When you married him, likely you did so for a variety of reasons.
But he is not that person anymore, and as I said, you can only work with what's being given to you. I know you feel lost, but you are not. Your guiding light should be the baby you are carrying. What type of life and role models do you want him/her to have?
Be strong. It sucks. It will not stop sucking anytime soon. But you have it in you to change your own life for the better, and that means cutting your husband out of it.
Hugs. Please feel free to PM.
That is a battle I have had with my estranged AH constantly. He has had a drinking problem in the past & has said very similar things. He has called me every name under the sun. So when he, sober, has said that he does not mean those things & wants our marriage & our son (now 7mos), I simply tell him that that isn't what his words or actions seem like.
Your husband, right now, is saying what he means, whether or not he is completely in control of his impulses or not. And you need to act on that, because to do otherwise is unsafe & unhealthy.
It is hard. It will never not be hard. But for the sake of your life with your baby, you need to cut ties with him under no uncertain terms.
There are lots of resources that you can go to, and since you are Military I would suggest contacting Rear D for support, your own chain of command for your safety, and any groups on base that help divorced, divorcing and/or single parent personnel. Also your chaplain.
Outside the military, there are plenty of social services groups & nonprofits that will assist with things like free counseling, paperwork tutorials for divorce, baby needs, and financial assistance. I've posted about those on another thread & will copy-paste to here.
Believe me, I understand what it's like to feel that marrying a person who has turned out to be so bad for you is somehow "your fault" for not having ESP.
You are not a psychic. You are not inside his brain. When you married him, likely you did so for a variety of reasons.
But he is not that person anymore, and as I said, you can only work with what's being given to you. I know you feel lost, but you are not. Your guiding light should be the baby you are carrying. What type of life and role models do you want him/her to have?
Be strong. It sucks. It will not stop sucking anytime soon. But you have it in you to change your own life for the better, and that means cutting your husband out of it.
Hugs. Please feel free to PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Added/x-posted from another thread:
Do as much research as you possibly can, especially right now while you're on leave-there WILL be resources in your area that can help. Contact them regarding rental assistance, help with baby needs such as formula & diapers (local churches are a great place to start), food stamps, whatever you may need, Understand that you NEED these things & there is no guilt or shame involved in asking for them. Speak with someone at each of these places about income & living situation requirements-when I separated from my husband, the childcare assistance office asked absolutely no questions about the circumstances. They did not care or need to know whether or not he lived at home, how much money he made, etc. They simply filed our relationship status as "separated" & were then able to pay for childcare assistance for myself & my son as a single parent family. Call local agencies regarding rental assistance & as hard as it is, tell them that drugs are involved. They will often then treat your situation as an imminent eviction because if rent is not paid, you may lose your home, & you are in a high-risk situation. These people are here to help, not judge. Please do not be afraid to talk to them.
You do not have to inform him, legally, that you are filing a restraining order, and you can and should request that a police officer escort you & the baby out of the home, or show up to serve your husband with the order & escort HIM out of your place of residence. If at all possible please consider quietly leaving to stay with a trusted & safe friend for a while. I believe the military takes threats of domestic violence very seriously so please do not feel like calling the MPs or going to base security is overreacting. There is no such thing as overreacting to the type of behavior he is exhibiting, and even though his family might hate your guts, I cannot say this with enough venom: **** 'em. My husband's family has gone so far as to tell ME that "I need to grow up & stop looking for attention" because I have called the cops on him, reported him to the troopers & notified other family members about his behavior.
If anything were to happen by his hand to me or our son, they would certainly be whistling another tune, and if your husband's family doesn't want to take your seriously, then they are in essence enabling & aiding his insane behavior.
Have you spoken to your family? Are you certain they won't help, or are you just dreading talking to them about what's going on? I have dealt with a similar situation for the last 6 months: my husband is a heroin addict who also has a drinking problem, wasn't employed, & his behavior was getting progressively worse. While my family isn't necessarily physically around (lots are out of state) they nevertheless understood that his behavior is not MY fault & that the first concern has to be for the baby. They were at least willing to help find resources & be a sounding board. Anything helps.
It will be work. Paperwork, emotionally draining & tiring. But there ARE resources out there & you must make the most of them now before it's too late. Believe that you have the strength, if not for yourself, then for your precious baby.
Hugs. If you would like help finding resources PM me. I work in nonprofit management & am a champion Googler
Do as much research as you possibly can, especially right now while you're on leave-there WILL be resources in your area that can help. Contact them regarding rental assistance, help with baby needs such as formula & diapers (local churches are a great place to start), food stamps, whatever you may need, Understand that you NEED these things & there is no guilt or shame involved in asking for them. Speak with someone at each of these places about income & living situation requirements-when I separated from my husband, the childcare assistance office asked absolutely no questions about the circumstances. They did not care or need to know whether or not he lived at home, how much money he made, etc. They simply filed our relationship status as "separated" & were then able to pay for childcare assistance for myself & my son as a single parent family. Call local agencies regarding rental assistance & as hard as it is, tell them that drugs are involved. They will often then treat your situation as an imminent eviction because if rent is not paid, you may lose your home, & you are in a high-risk situation. These people are here to help, not judge. Please do not be afraid to talk to them.
You do not have to inform him, legally, that you are filing a restraining order, and you can and should request that a police officer escort you & the baby out of the home, or show up to serve your husband with the order & escort HIM out of your place of residence. If at all possible please consider quietly leaving to stay with a trusted & safe friend for a while. I believe the military takes threats of domestic violence very seriously so please do not feel like calling the MPs or going to base security is overreacting. There is no such thing as overreacting to the type of behavior he is exhibiting, and even though his family might hate your guts, I cannot say this with enough venom: **** 'em. My husband's family has gone so far as to tell ME that "I need to grow up & stop looking for attention" because I have called the cops on him, reported him to the troopers & notified other family members about his behavior.
If anything were to happen by his hand to me or our son, they would certainly be whistling another tune, and if your husband's family doesn't want to take your seriously, then they are in essence enabling & aiding his insane behavior.
Have you spoken to your family? Are you certain they won't help, or are you just dreading talking to them about what's going on? I have dealt with a similar situation for the last 6 months: my husband is a heroin addict who also has a drinking problem, wasn't employed, & his behavior was getting progressively worse. While my family isn't necessarily physically around (lots are out of state) they nevertheless understood that his behavior is not MY fault & that the first concern has to be for the baby. They were at least willing to help find resources & be a sounding board. Anything helps.
It will be work. Paperwork, emotionally draining & tiring. But there ARE resources out there & you must make the most of them now before it's too late. Believe that you have the strength, if not for yourself, then for your precious baby.
Hugs. If you would like help finding resources PM me. I work in nonprofit management & am a champion Googler
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Wow. That's a lot to deal with. I agree with others that your first priority needs to be you and your baby's wellbeing. Taking steps to legally separate yourself from his runaway crazy train is also solid advice. The last thing you need is to be on the hook for another one of his DUIs.
There's nothing you can do for him, but there's a lot you can do for yourself. Sending lots of strength and support to you at this incredibly difficult and painful time.
There's nothing you can do for him, but there's a lot you can do for yourself. Sending lots of strength and support to you at this incredibly difficult and painful time.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
laura...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us, and I'm also grateful that our members beat me to the punch in terms of greeting you.
We have women just like you who come to us in distress, either with babies in the picture or pregnant, and they feel trapped. It is incredibly important for you to know that none of this is your fault. Not one bit. You are married to someone who, through his decisions to use drugs and drink, has given himself permission to both self destruct and be destructive to those around him. And that's all on him.
My primary concern is your safety, and that of your unborn child. We do have resources for women who are being abused, either emotionally or physically. I have cut and paste that information here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
The hows and whys in terms of what he's doing do not matter right now. Your safety does. If you feel threatened...if he lays a finger on you...no games. Call 911.
Please keep us posted. We're here for you.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us, and I'm also grateful that our members beat me to the punch in terms of greeting you.
We have women just like you who come to us in distress, either with babies in the picture or pregnant, and they feel trapped. It is incredibly important for you to know that none of this is your fault. Not one bit. You are married to someone who, through his decisions to use drugs and drink, has given himself permission to both self destruct and be destructive to those around him. And that's all on him.
My primary concern is your safety, and that of your unborn child. We do have resources for women who are being abused, either emotionally or physically. I have cut and paste that information here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
The hows and whys in terms of what he's doing do not matter right now. Your safety does. If you feel threatened...if he lays a finger on you...no games. Call 911.
Please keep us posted. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Two people matter here. You and your baby.
Damage control. Save the ship. Get it off the
line of battle-----You will soon be a Mom.
I won't pay you an ounce of disrespect by
comparing your addictive nightmare to mine,
but when the time came I had 4 lifevests----
One for my wife, two for my kids, one for me
and NONE for the addict.
Damage control. Save the ship. Get it off the
line of battle-----You will soon be a Mom.
I won't pay you an ounce of disrespect by
comparing your addictive nightmare to mine,
but when the time came I had 4 lifevests----
One for my wife, two for my kids, one for me
and NONE for the addict.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
though it may be sad, congratulations lauracarres ! Nothing is going to be easy but from challenge comes strength and children bring that out in a mom.
Since he is uninterested in this child and your relationship, give him what he wants. Having someone like him out of a child's life is a gift. Your child deserves more than he could ever give him. Please think about being tested since he was unfaithful and using at the same time.
I am sorry that you are faced with walking thru this sadness but I have been there and it was a blessing after the fact.
Take this opportunity and run !
Since he is uninterested in this child and your relationship, give him what he wants. Having someone like him out of a child's life is a gift. Your child deserves more than he could ever give him. Please think about being tested since he was unfaithful and using at the same time.
I am sorry that you are faced with walking thru this sadness but I have been there and it was a blessing after the fact.
Take this opportunity and run !
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