DreaJean

After trying on my "own" to quit, I went back to AA three weeks ago. Made it to several great meetings, and then they started to seem to backfire. I know they say what's going on "inside" is usually a big reason, so I kept at it. I asked for a sponsor so I had someone to hold me accountable. She said she would temporarily sponsor me and seemed to hint ALOT that I could find someone and she wont feel bad. She went out of town, I didn't bother her. When i called Monday, she didn't get back to me, even though I asked her to and wanted to schedule a meeting for us to do 'big book' review. When she didn't get back to me, I decided to text her (her last way of checking in with me, more aloof than normal), I decided to give her the 'out' it seemed she was looking for. I lied and said I found a new sponsor over the weekend and I understood it was a big commitment (is it?) she took it. Now I feel hurt and frustrated that the meetings aren't helping and this really is hurtful. I didn't realize I was that frustrating to deal with even though I called and did all the things she mentioned. I want to add that she's a bit older (65+) and retired and I truly think maybe it was too much, but i feel really hurt right now. I just wanted to say that. Also, my ambivilence to 100% abstinence is increasing. Feels hopeless

greens

Sorry you had such a bad experience with your temp sponsor . That's too bad she couldn't just be honest with you in the first place.
Are you willing to try again with another? Sometimes it can take a few tries before getting a good match and there's nothing wrong with that.

FLCamper

It sounds like that woman was just not a good fit for you.
You obviously got off to a good start with AA. Can you try another meeting and really find a sponsor?
Don't let this send you back to drinking!

Weaver

Have you considered SMART recovery, LifeRing or Rational Recovery? All fantastic alternative options/recovery methods to AA.

DreaJean

Thanks greens and FLCamper. I guess I'll just have to keep going and hope it gets better. Turned me off pretty bad however Even on this forum at times, I feel left out quite a bit, maybe I just don't know how to be anymore so no one tries or says anything. I'm an adult I get it, but adding more loneliness in sobriety and doing the 'right' thing doesn't feel worth it today. Maybe its just my mood right now and I'll be more hopeful tomorrow. thanks!

DreaJean

Thanks Weaver, no, I have not? I would be open to anything that feels like it will help give me options. Thank you!

CaseyW

No reason to feel left out on this forum, DreaJean. I've made a point this past week or so of becoming way more active on the newcomers forum and it has made a huge difference in my own recovery. Even simple things like typing two or three sentence-long welcome messages to other newcomers here has given me a sense of belonging here that I never felt before in my almost two years of wandering in and out of these forums.

Db1105

Like everywhere else on earth, some relationships just don't work out. I went through 4 people before I found the right sponsor for me. I had to remember that people are human. A great resource on sponsorship is the pamphlet ' Questions and Answers on Sponsorship'. You can find it online at AA dot org.

bookmaven

QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally

Sometimes people let us down for things and we will never know why. This lady was not a good sponsor for you. Maybe she's not a good sponsor for anyone, and that is why she wanted you to find someone else in the first place.

I would not be a good sponsor because I have too many codependent tendencies, such as trying to fix people and control others. It would be a disaster waiting to happen. Until I work out my own issues I would go crazy, not to mention the damage I could do to someone who really needs a sponsor.

I think this lady just has her own problems to deal with and you should move on to finding a sponsor who is capable of giving you the guidance you need to work through the steps.

Look for someone who has what you want. Look for someone with long time sobriety, accountability, willing to share their ESH - Experience Strength and Hope. Look for someone who "knows the way, shows the way, and goes the way." Don't judge a potential sponsor by age or even necessarily personality. Look for someone with serenity, for someone who maybe has experience sponsoring other women, or someone who has worked the steps and who reads the big book.

I wish you the best in finding a sponsor. In the mean time, if you are struggling and need daily support to keep you accountable I suggest you check in the Daily Support threads, check in with us on the 24 hour thread, or even start your own accountability thread as others have done.

Good Luck.

sg1970

My first sponsor was assigned and worked out about like what you have described. That's pretty rough in early sobriety when you have all of the cravings and fuzzy mind going on. My second sponsor was someone who's shares I connected to and has worked out really well.

Have you heard anyone sharing in the meetings that talks about the steps and seems peaceful at heart? The steps are the key to the whole program. I know it can be very easy to just say to heck with it all but don't give up.

FreeOwl

AA is a great sobriety tool... but it's not a magic bullet. It is comprised of PEOPLE, and sometimes people have issues or just don't click.

I'd suggest trying another group if one is available. Try even shooting over to a nearby town and visiting a meeting there. Spend some time with it.... remember that there is a lot of great progress we can make without a sponsor and don't be in too great a hurry to get one. My philosophy is that one will appear when the time is right.

Relax into it a little.... it's ok...

Anna

I hope that you find a recovery program/plan that works for you.

aasharon90

I learned the AA recovery program because
that is what was taught to me when I was in
a 28 day rehab facility 24 yrs ago. Today I am
still living a recovery life because I learned how
to incorporate steps and principles into my
everyday life and affairs to help me remain
sober a day at a time.

The reason for asking someone to be
our temporary sponsor in the beginning
is to help us learn how to ask someone
for help before we pick up a drink which
would keep us in our addiction.

Asking for help was a hard task for me
to follow because I didn't like to bother
folks or disturb them and was fearful of
rejection.

However, as part of the learning process
I followed simple suggestions even as hard
as it may seem because I wanted more than
anything was to stay sober. I needed to go
that extra mile, that extra step in order to
grow in recovery.

I did ask for several temporary sponsors
and eventually kept one and in my heart
she was never replaced. Over my 24 yr
sobriety I have sat quietly behind and amongst
many AA members who have paved the path
for me to follow to learn how they remained
sober, healthy, happy and honest for many
one days at a time without drinking.

I sat in many many meetings mainly listening,
learning, absorbing and applying those important
steps and principles as a guideline in my everyday
life. Step meetings, speaker meeting, conventions,
Big Book studies all important ways to continue
teaching me how to clear away the wreakage of
the past, learn from it and move forward to being
a responsible member or person in my community,
family and for myself.

Today, I am here in SR as my way of passing
on my own ESH - experiences, strengths and
hopes of what my life was and is like before,
during and after alcohol. Im passing it on to
you and others to give you hope that if I like
many others can and do remain sober one day
at a time for yrs to come, then you can too.

All it takes is an Open mind, Willingness
and Honesty all to the best of your sober
ability to move forward with one step
at a time.

Ruby2

wieople are people. It didn't work out Wbut that shouldn't tarnish what you have gotten from attending meetings. Just because I didn't like some of my professors, doesn't mean I quit college.

Hang in there. Maybe in the interim, devote more time here. Go to different meetings. For me, I get out what I put in. My sobriety, my effort.

biminiblue

I agree with FreeOwl. There is a lot of good to be had at AA meetings and having an official "sponsor" will happen when it is meant to happen. Sponsors aren't for solving all of life's little problems, sponsors are people who walk you through the steps and the book. They aren't counselors or even best friends in all cases.

Keep going to meetings, raise your hand and state that you are looking for a sponsor, and wait for the person to appear. I've heard many people say they have had several attempts with sponsors - if you keep trying it will happen when it happens. It may be tomorrow or it may be two months from now. Just keep going to meetings and don't pick up a drink in the meantime so you'll be ready when she appears.

Serenidad

I know how you are feeling. I did step work with my sponsor Monday and was really pouring my heart out to her and every 2 minutes she would just pick up her phone and start texting someone. Or she would just get up and go to the bathroom when I was in mid-sentence!!! It was really rude and unacceptable.

I realized that she's just a human being (obviously with ADD and too much going on in her life to be a sponsor and I found another sponsor. My new sponsor works a lot and she let me know that. I'm fine with it. I don't need someone to hold my hand....just to go through the steps with me and LISTEN.

Anyway, don't give up. The right person is out there. You don't need a sponsor to stay sober....just to work the steps with. :-)