krobinson42

Hello all,

I am new to the board and it's great to be here. I have grown up in an alcoholic and drug addicted family (father, grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts (4), cousins (3), step-parents etc.) and thought that I knew how to deal with their behavior and it's effect on me. Boy, was I wrong . I've decided now is the right time to confront the issues that have developed from growing up in an addict family; the last thing I want to do is pass them on to my children. My motto: The cycle stops at me!

Anyhow, over the past few days I've been reading about boundaries; specifically on how I need to set boundaries with the addicts in my life so as not to continue the cycle of being hurt, disappointed etc. Today I set my first boundary with my father, who I have always had trouble saying no to.

My father has been in and out of treatments since I can remember. Most recently he spent the last eight months in an Oxford house until he was caught drinking again. He was kicked out and now does not have a place to live. In the past I have always invited him into my house and taken care of him with the hopes that he would get better and quit drinking. Today, he called and asked if he could stay the night and for the first time in my life I said NO.

It feels really good to say No and not feel guilty for sticking up for what is right for me.

Thanks for listening.
-krobinson42

splendra

(((((krobinson)))))

Welcome so glad to see you here......

As far as setting your new boundry.....good for you. At least one person in his life is trying to stop the cycle. Maybe you will be instrumental in helping him see what Oxford house was teaching. Stick by your guns!!!

bikewench

That's my war cry as well. ;o)


Welcome to SR Kroby..

Yeah.. being buffeted by the insanity of other's addictions.

Boundaries are so important... but it's a bit of work trying to figure out exactly what they should be. In your Dad's case... I think that allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions will do more to encourage his sobriety thank rescueing him.

Way to take care of yourself.

Alexia

Good for you! I was miserable for months until I finally set my boundaries - and stuck to them. Stick to them! It's amazing how they react to you not giving in anymore, like you have two heads. But it sure makes you feel more at peace with yourself.
Good luck!

cwohio

((krobinson))

good for you - i haven't even done that yet and i've been working on myself for a month and a half now.

good luck and prayers to you!

cwohio

Cadence57

I haven't done it yet either but I'm working on it. I think my first one will be to not talk to my b/f on the phone when he's been drinking. Unfortunately, we're doing the "long distance thing" these days so I have to listen carefully to him in order to be able to tell, but I think that once I suspect he's been drinking, I'll politely cut off the conversation and tell him we'll have to talk tomorrow.

cwohio

that's a good one, but mine seems to follow me and keeps talking when i go to another room and if it's late at night, then i am stuck unless i physically leave the house. arghhhhh!!!!!

Cadence57

Ah, there's something to be said about a long distance relationship with a drunk!!! ::Click::

cwohio

cadence - so true!!!!!!

noifs2day

krobinson: :35:

Stick to it. Be consistent. We will probably be tested more than once on every boundary we set. ... But boundaries are worth every bit of time, energy, and thought required to set and enforce them. Ultimately, they will provide us with more time and energy. --- words I've highlighted and find comfort in. M. Beattie's Codepentent No More (pg 218)


Cadence57- True.

StandingStrong

And don't you feel so much better?
The first boundary set - what a very good, strong, and positive feeling it is!
There may be times that you doubt that you are doing the right thing, but be assured that you are. For you and your children.
Good for you! Sounds to me like you've really made some progress.

krobinson42

Thanks for the uplifting comments from everyone!

I feel very empowered with my decision and know that it was the best decision for me. My goal now is to execute my next boundary with my father. My father is not suppose to be drinking (he needs 30 days clean and sober before he can apply at another Oxford house) and I found him hiding his beer cans yesturday in my neighbors recycling (he cleans my neighbors house every week). I ask him everytime he comes over to my house whether he has drank anything today; it's always a quick No, even thought it's apparent that he's had a couple of beers before he came over. I have decided that he is not allowed at my house at all when he's been drinking. It upsets me when he lies to my face; I don't deserve the emotional stress and won't tolerate his behavior in my home anymore.

Sometimes I wish I would have stood up for myself sooner life, better now than never, right?

Thanks for your support, I appreciate it!

-krobinson42

cwohio

better late than never is right on! good for you - wish i was getting better at setting my boundaries and staying firm.

if at first you don't succeed........

cwohio

osier59

YOU GO GIRL! I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and setting some good boundariesl. Remember, at first the people in your life may be very resistant to your new boundaries - it's like a dance and now you have changed the dance steps.

Hold firm and know that even if THEY don't like it, you are doing something good to take care of YOU.

Hugs and love
Barb

Just a kitten

You rock Krobinson. It does take an awful lot of boldness to stand up to the man you were born looking up to. It's hard to face such a tough reality. But it makes you feel so much better with yourself afterword, doesn't it? Good for you. Keep on being strong.
-jak

skyleh

Great going..good luck and keep strong.