Lola23

Hi All, first of all, gotta apologize....I'm back today after some hiatus and feel like I already posted a dozen posts.

Also - there have been a couple of posts about AA today but I didn't want to ask this there and hijack someone else's thread so figured I would start my own.

I have decided to attend my first AA meeting. I have wanted to for a long time, and I know I need more than SR if I am going to beat this. I have looked up meetings in my area, and have planned to attend one that I found tonight. If I am stuck at work (def. possible...it happens sometimes) I have a few more I can choose from later in the week. I am so nervous. Terrified actually. And I just wanted some thoughts on what I can expect. Do you have to talk? Are you required to introduce yourself? Name tags?

I'm terrified someone is going to be there that is "court ordered" and really doesn't give a poop about this...and is going to recognize me and tell people that I'm there. Or worse, since the meeting is an "Open" meeting, someone I know is there with their alcoholic significant other, and so asks me...what are you doing here? And then tells everyone they saw me there.

If I have to introduce myself, can I use a fake name? Even just my first name is actually quite unique (I've only ever met one person with it), and I'm terrified someone who is there unwillingly is going to do a google search with my first name and city, which actually would completely identify me (yes, I've tried). And that person would now have my FB profile, find me on linked in...hell even find my address.

These are just some of my fears...not to mention the internally imposed fear that b/c I'm there, I really do have a problem. This isn't a joke anymore.

Thanks to all who have been to AA or anything of the sort that can help me out. I don't want to chicken out again.

Anna

I don't go to AA meetings, but I guess it's possible that someone you know could be there. However, I hope you do what you need to do to get sober. I keep a very, very low profile on the internet, so I don't know what to suggest about that issue.

Coldfusion

I think it is most likely that you will have a positive experience with AA. The fears you express are shared by most in the rooms, so you shouldn't worry about confidentiality or the possibility of a disruptive presence by someone who is court-ordered. Newcomers are generally warmly welcomed.

As far as I know, everyone uses their real first name at meetings. I don't post personal information on Facebook, so I don't relate to your fear in that area. But if you don't want to use your real name, just say so and don't use a fake name.

ScottFromWI

The way I personally look at it is that most people already knew I was a drunk when I was still drinking. Even on the remote possibility that someone did publicly recognize me at an AA meeting and then ( and even more remote possibility ) somehow share that they saw me there, what's worse...being known as an active drunk or as a recovering drunk?

Bottom line - what you fear is very , very, very unlikely. Quite honestly it's probably your AV/Addiction trying to talk you out of it to keep you thinking about driking.

Berrybean

Hi.

I remember walking past the door for lots of meetings before I finally made my way through.

Okay - what to expect (based on the meetings I have attended). Most people arrive early. The bell will ring on the dot of when the meeting starts and everyone will be sat down and quiet then, so arriving on the dot to avoid having attention on you kind of back fires. I'd arrive at least 10 mins early. Enough time to establish where the toilets and teapot are, and for others to greet you (which they will do if they notice a newcomer). Usually women will greet women, and men will greet men. There were no ladies at my first meeting, so the men had to do it - perfectly adequately I might add, but they did feel bad for me about the lack of ladies that day. Since that meeting I have never been the only female there though, and at my regular meetings its a pretty fair mix of genders and ages.

Anyway. When they ring the bell the secretary will introduce the meeting / welcome everyone using a standard format. Newcomers (people attending their first, second or third meeting) will be invited to introduce themselves using their first name so that the group can get better acquainted. Out of town visitor the same thing. If you can say your name (or what you decide you wish to be known as) and that it's your first meeting then people will know what kind of support / literature might be useful to you. Sometimes a piece of paper will be passed round for people to read a section and pass it on. You don't have to read it. You can just say 'pass' and pass it on. People will understand how you're feeling - I haven't met anyone who doesn't remember their first meeting.

From there on the meetings differ depending on what kind it is. Some meetings have a main share, where someone will talk for the first half of the meeting (pre-arranged) sharing their story, and then the room is open for shares. Other meetings are Big Book or Step study which will involve more reading before sharing. Anyway - you can just focus on breathing and listening for now (and again - if reading is involved and you don't want to do it, then just say 'pass' and pass it on).

At some point there will be a prayer, and probably holding hands in a circle. This felt REALLY weird to me at first. And probably everyone else as well. It soon gets more 'normal' as you go to meetings. In the (UK) meetings I go to it's always the serenity prayer. There will also be a collection pot go round at some stage. I like to have some change ready in a pocket so I'm not fumbling in my bag. This goes towards the hire of the room, tea and coffee , etc.

Lots of people get quite overwhelmed at their first meeting, so perhaps have a tissue handy in your pocket just in case. There might be some literature for sale. If they have a copy of Living Sober, I highly recommend getting / reading that book! I got mine for my Kindle through. That way I can read it on the train without causing raised eyebrows.

The whole name thing is an interesting problem. Remember, you will be being trusted with other people's first names. They will also be giving you phone numbers no doubt. I have never heard of confidentiality being broken in any of the meetings I attend, but I can understand your anxieties. Also, the AA program is based on a foundation of honesty, so starting with a strident falsehood as fundamental as your name seems odd. Also, if you keep going for years and years, at what point will you want to tell them that you gave them a false name? I don't know the answer to any of these questions by the way. Just an interesting predicament. There are loads of Beccy's so it's not such an issue for me. Could you be known as a very abbreviated form of your name, or your initials (like some of my students have chosen to do, as they have been christened with names like Cornelius that they can't spell).

Anyway - good luck at your first meeting. Hope some of my ramblings are slightly helpful. Let us know how you get on.

x

IOAA2

" And I just wanted some thoughts on what I can expect. Do you have to talk? Are you required to introduce yourself? Name tags? "

No you may just say your first name or nickname

FreeOwl

I'm going to keep this really simple;

Your fears are totally valid, totally understandable and totally OK.

I had a lot of those kinds of fears too.

I went to AA anyway, and I'm very grateful I did.

Sobriety has proven to be worth a gazillion times more than any of my fears, and AA has been a valuable tool in my sobriety.

I hope you'll give it a shot. It'll be awesome.

IOAA2

I’ll add that I personally would rather be seen at an AA meeting than in the paper for DUI and killing/maiming a family etc. Your concern was held by most before their first meeting because we have a fear of the unknown and it takes practice to overcome it.

You’ll be among people who understand you with open arms expecting nothing in return. Feel free to ask, if you want to, any questions from someone as this will be a new lingo for a newcomer.
Like what a sponsor is for, meaning of different letters describing meetings like S, O, D, BB etc.

I was told just to just listen and make no judgments for a few months and to gather the feelings of people who spoke.
You’re free to go to different meetings and join any you may be attracted to.

BE WELL

Ruby2

Ditto what everyone else said. Beccybean pretty much summed up what you can expect at a meeting. If your location "somewhere on the east coast" is U.S., the prayer at the end of the meeting is usually the Our Father. Not all meetings do hand holding and honestly, I'm not a big fan on that.

I'd go by initials or just your first name. I've never had an issue with a confidentiality breach regarding my identity. I just ran into someone I know from a meeting and was "introduced" to them in a social setting. We shook hands. It was apparent we knew each other from somewhere but neither of us said where.

If there are court ordered people there? Well, they do go to meetings. Maybe some of them get something out of it. Some of them view it as boring penance that they must endure. That's totally on them. Anyone gets as much out of it as they put into it. I wouldn't let that put you off.

Usually the contribution is a dollar but there have been times I didn't have a dollar. Many of the people I see at meetings never put anything in because they don't have anything to give.

I was nervous at my first meeting. I lived to tell the tale. I have a fairly uncommon name too. Just remember that the other people are also counting on YOU not to say you saw them at a meeting. An acquaintance of my parents' came to a meeting and I heard my parents talking about this person's alcohol issues at a later date and I didn't say "well, I saw him at a meeting." Not their business. Not my business.

Once you get there, you don't have to really say anything. Just listen. And I also second Beccy's suggestion of the book "Living Sober." It has really useful nuts and bolts suggestions on maneuvering early sobriety.

firstymer

Beccybean, your explanation of AA meetings is VERY helpful. I am glad to hear that Flynby's comments about the hooded robes and secret handshakes appear not to be accurate.

The more I hear the more I am convinced - I gotta try me some of these AA meetings.

tomsteve

Lotta good replies here for ya. Lots of fears there. Understandable.
Something that helped me get through the doors of my first meeting( when I was ready. Court ordered in the past but I wasn't ready):
Fear of what would happen if I didnt get in there.

Lola23

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone. It helps having an idea of what I'm going into.

Beccybean - thanks so much for the detail you provided. Especially knowing to come a little early, it will nice to settle in and grab a cup of tea or coffee so I'm not fumbling around doing it when the meeting starts. Also, great tip about the collection plate, I'll stick some change in my pocket so I'm ready. By the way, I really like the quote in your signature. Is that from the Big Book.

IOAA2 - I know exactly what you mean, re: being seen at an AA meeting instead of in the newspaper. Its only by the grace of God that I haven't gotten a DUI or worse.

I'm still nervous but I'm going to go. I'm worried about getting overly emotional at it for sure, but I can't be the only one who breaks down at their first or even 100th meeting.

Still not sure what to do about the name thing. Like you all said, it just doesn't feel right using a fake name. We all do here at SR, but this is a public forum and so it only makes sense to protect our identities. I feel like if I want help and want to connect I have to be honest. So we'll see. I know its so weird that I'm so worried about the name, but really, it would take someone 10 seconds to google "lola" and "crazytown" and find everything from the last race I ran to the house I bought (public info and all). I guess that is assuming that someone has some negative intention, which it sounds like I need to just get over and trust it won't happen.

Lola23

Haha, I saw that over in the other thread too, it sorta spurred on my post.

tomsteve

Only thing I could say at my first meeting was ," I'm Tom I'm an alcoholic and I can't take it anymore."
And balled the rest of the meeting. Did that quite a bit for a while. And have had life throw soe hard stuff at me that had me breaking down at meetings through the years.
And not a thing wrong wit it happening either.

CaseyW

Honesty is a huge part of recovery for me. I would feel dishonest if I gave a false name at AA. Just my personal opinion though.

Hope you decide to go and wishing you the best either way! Let us know how it goes.

Fly N Buy

Attend a closed door meeting and use an alias. Maybe that will help with some of your foreboding. Or take a friend with you to an open door meeting, perhaps.

I have friend I met in the rooms who goes by initials - JT for example. Has nothing to do with real name.

There is nothing wrong with a healthy sense of surroundings when going to AA. Better neighborhoods usually attract different members, but not always the case.

I guess when I went I was not that concerned about anything other than stopping drinking. But, I am 6'4 255 lbs man. I am assuming you're a woman - Lola - but did not view your profile.

Good for you on your desire - big step!! But yes, be safe

Dave42001

Don't be terrified, you'll be fine. If asked tell them you're Lola23.. You don't have to say a word if you don't feel like it.. Just say I'll pass.. They just want to help, they might give you a schedule and a list of members to call if you want to talk to someone.. AA is all about giving back and helping the new comer, they all went to their first meeting at one time.. Hope you go!! Good luck!!

KeepTruckin

Good luck! I avoided AA meetings in my old town for the same fear of running into people I would know. It was just as well then, as I definitely wasn't ready to commit. I don't do AA now, but I'm considering it. I have been to a few meetings and even though I got butterflies each time, the fear of going was WAY worse than actually being there. No one swarmed me and anyone that did talk to me was really nice, laid back and easy going about offering anything I might need. I did drive to the next town over from where I was living, though, because I was very aware that I knew people at the more local meetings. And I'm not sure I was afraid that they would know I was seeking help or if I was afraid I'd have that much more accountability if I didn't quit drinking. Well, actually I DO know which it was

As others have said, your fears are valid and common, but certainly not a reason to stop you from going if it will help your sobriety. I would say that your body language will usually tell people if you want to talk or not. If you kind of hang back by yourself, you might have a few people gently approach you, but many will probably realize it is your first (or almost first) time there and give you the space you need. If you try to integrate yourself more into the crowd, they will most likely be very welcome and open to you with plenty of phone numbers, literature and, if you ask, stories of their terrified first time at AA

And you don't usually have to contribute money at your first meeting. I tried and someone stopped me. First one is on them Good luck!

Amethysto

I carried the AA number around with me for 7 years before I finally made it into the rooms. What stopped me?
Just what you're talking about Lola, a fear I might see somebody I knew. It was just an excuse to keep drinking. I wish I had gone earlier, but we all have to do it in our own time.
When I finally did make it, and I did see somebody I knew, they couldn't have been more welcoming and understanding. They're all there for the same reason - to get well.
Anonymity was a big deal for me, because of my work (I was a teacher). I never had a problem with it and have always respected the anonymity of other members, it's kind of reciprocal.
I hope you go Lola, it's the best thing I ever did, I know who I am now

damascus1986

dont forget the spiritual principal of anonimity is present in the room. it should provide some comfort. i'd suggest to go the power of what can happen in those rooms when applied to our lives can be so wonderful. as keep truckin said i didnt say much my first few meetings and tried to be openminded to some of the things i heard. it was the best decision of my life. stayed clean ever since