Am I enabling? What can I do?
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
Am I enabling? What can I do?
I've agreed to help a family member. She is an alcoholic and on the verge of losing her son. She is now required to attend meetings and stay sober or children's services will put her son into protective care. The agreement was that I will babysit for her when she attends meetings. Today I'm babysitting because she is drunk and doesn't want children's services to find out. I feel that I can't "tattle on her" to
Children's services, and that I can't say no to babysitting (I don't want her son to be in an unhealthy environment). I'm kind of hoping that they will find out anyway.
Children's services, and that I can't say no to babysitting (I don't want her son to be in an unhealthy environment). I'm kind of hoping that they will find out anyway.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There is no clear cut answer about what you should do in this situation, but yes, I would consider babysitting someone's child so they can drink and hiding that from Children's Services is, in fact, enabling.
Her son *is* in an unhealthy environment merely by having an alcoholic parent. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic myself, I can tell you that I suffered long-term, "invisible" consequences growing up with an alcoholic mother and the slew of codependent enablers that protected her from the consequences of her choices.
I'm sorry you came looking for us but I am very glad you're here. There is a lot of information about alcoholism here, as well as a lot of experience, strength, and hope. You might considering learning more about your family member's addiction and its effects on family, and then you may want to re-evaluate your agreement.
Her son *is* in an unhealthy environment merely by having an alcoholic parent. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic myself, I can tell you that I suffered long-term, "invisible" consequences growing up with an alcoholic mother and the slew of codependent enablers that protected her from the consequences of her choices.
I'm sorry you came looking for us but I am very glad you're here. There is a lot of information about alcoholism here, as well as a lot of experience, strength, and hope. You might considering learning more about your family member's addiction and its effects on family, and then you may want to re-evaluate your agreement.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Your loyalty needs to be for that child. If things are that bad, he needs to be in protective care. Your enabling her (yes, you are doing so), is not helping either one of them. If the fear of losing her child did not keep her clean, then the child deserves better care.
Hugs. I know it's hard, but you have to do what is right for that child.
FYI...you can hotline someone without giving a name.
Hugs. I know it's hard, but you have to do what is right for that child.
FYI...you can hotline someone without giving a name.
Originally Posted by Insaneraspberry 
I've agreed to help a family member. She is an alcoholic and on the verge of losing her son. She is now required to attend meetings and stay sober or children's services will put her son into protective care. The agreement was that I will babysit for her when she attends meetings. Today I'm babysitting because she is drunk and doesn't want children's services to find out. I feel that I can't "tattle on her" to
Children's services, and that I can't say no to babysitting (I don't want her son to be in an unhealthy environment). I'm kind of hoping that they will find out anyway.
Children's services, and that I can't say no to babysitting (I don't want her son to be in an unhealthy environment). I'm kind of hoping that they will find out anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What a difficult position this person has put you in and sadly a worse position she's put her child in.
What thoughts are you having about "them" (child protective services) finding out on their own that she is dropping the child off to you and drinking? How do you suppose they will find that out?
Taking it to the next level what thoughts do you have for this childs safety when she returns drunk to pick up the child?
What thoughts are you having about "them" (child protective services) finding out on their own that she is dropping the child off to you and drinking? How do you suppose they will find that out?
Taking it to the next level what thoughts do you have for this childs safety when she returns drunk to pick up the child?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
This is the first time this has happened but I have a feeling it won't be the last. I've decided to let it be today. If this happens again which is highly likely I will be calling cps, if she is not sober when she picks him up I'll be calling cps. My loyalty is to her son, I just want him to be safe.
I want to talk to her about this, I'm happy to babysit if she is getting the help she needs but I don't want her taking advantage.
I worry that if I talk to her and tell her I will call cps if she does this again that she will with draw and keep her son at home while she's drinking. Any ideas how I can talk to her? Thank you everyone. I've never had to deal with this kind of thing before and I appreciate you support.
I want to talk to her about this, I'm happy to babysit if she is getting the help she needs but I don't want her taking advantage.
I worry that if I talk to her and tell her I will call cps if she does this again that she will with draw and keep her son at home while she's drinking. Any ideas how I can talk to her? Thank you everyone. I've never had to deal with this kind of thing before and I appreciate you support.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
If you report her would you be able to get custody of the son?
If not you then another close family member?
It does not sound like she is willing to stop and there will be no talking to her while she is drinking. You cannot talk to an alcoholic when they have been drinking - it is a waste of energy.
This child is in danger and should not be allowed in a car with her - but that is just my opinion.
If not you then another close family member?
It does not sound like she is willing to stop and there will be no talking to her while she is drinking. You cannot talk to an alcoholic when they have been drinking - it is a waste of energy.
This child is in danger and should not be allowed in a car with her - but that is just my opinion.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
insaneraspberry......Putting myself in your same shoes.....I think that I might volunteer for the child to live at my house----talking to the mother about really getting her self together and going to AA meetings every day for 90 days and getting a sponsor. I would, simultaneously share this info with everyone else in the family.
This way---everyone is on the same page---less room for keeping secrets and for manipulation.
This also puts the welfare of the child front and center--while helping the mom. It would be family helping family...... (and, less room for them to screw you)......
Keep in m ind....I know nothing about your personal circumstances.....I am just saying what I m ight do.......
dandylion
This way---everyone is on the same page---less room for keeping secrets and for manipulation.
This also puts the welfare of the child front and center--while helping the mom. It would be family helping family...... (and, less room for them to screw you)......
Keep in m ind....I know nothing about your personal circumstances.....I am just saying what I m ight do.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Again, what a horrible position she is putting you in. As for the rest of the family, the saying goes: we are only as sick as our secrets. That is so old school and ill thinking to hide it and try and keep it secret. No one can ever get better under that thinking.
I think before you speak to her it would be a good idea to figure out what you are willing to do as far as this child goes. Are you willing to keep the child 24/7 is that possible? I also think mentioning to her that you will call CPS may be the wrong approach. IF you are trying to scare her sober, it won’t work.
I think first, figure out what you are willing to do if she should show up drunk. Are you willing to offer to keep the child until she is sober? Are you willing to call the police should she insist on taking her child when she is drunk and possibly driving?
First figure out what your involvement will be. Then the next step is easy, one phone call to the police is all you will need. They will determine her condition, they will contact CPS, etc.
((hugs))
I think before you speak to her it would be a good idea to figure out what you are willing to do as far as this child goes. Are you willing to keep the child 24/7 is that possible? I also think mentioning to her that you will call CPS may be the wrong approach. IF you are trying to scare her sober, it won’t work.
I think first, figure out what you are willing to do if she should show up drunk. Are you willing to offer to keep the child until she is sober? Are you willing to call the police should she insist on taking her child when she is drunk and possibly driving?
First figure out what your involvement will be. Then the next step is easy, one phone call to the police is all you will need. They will determine her condition, they will contact CPS, etc.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
CPS is already involved. I see no reason why you can't tip them off about what's going on. I believe they probably have the right to check up on her and the child any time they please, so there wouldn't be any need for her to know YOU were the one who called. And certainly, if asked, you would have a duty to be truthful with CPS, so let her be angry.
CPS generally has a goal of reunification, so it isn't like she is about to be separated from her child forever. These are the kinds of consequences that add up and sometimes result in a determination to get sober and stay that way. I don't think you are doing either one of them any favors by covering up for her.
Sorry you're in this difficult position, but you're a good family member to try to help.
CPS generally has a goal of reunification, so it isn't like she is about to be separated from her child forever. These are the kinds of consequences that add up and sometimes result in a determination to get sober and stay that way. I don't think you are doing either one of them any favors by covering up for her.
Sorry you're in this difficult position, but you're a good family member to try to help.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
She is an alcoholic and on the verge of losing her son
hard to imagine a more VALID reason to quit???
Today I'm babysitting because she is drunk and doesn't want children's services to find out
SHE is on the verge of losing HER child. and yet, she goes ahead and gets drunk and YOU take care of the child FOR HER and do not report the incident.
should anyone who chooses booze over their child be protected? if the parent cannot PARENT, the child should be removed and placed with someone who CAN put the child's best interests first.
i'm a mom myself and there was a time when I had to hand the baby over to my ex, her dad, as I had been evicted and had nowhere for her to go. I did so willingly because I was being stupid and doing drugs (mda and crystal) and my daughter deserved better.
hard to imagine a more VALID reason to quit???
Today I'm babysitting because she is drunk and doesn't want children's services to find out
SHE is on the verge of losing HER child. and yet, she goes ahead and gets drunk and YOU take care of the child FOR HER and do not report the incident.
should anyone who chooses booze over their child be protected? if the parent cannot PARENT, the child should be removed and placed with someone who CAN put the child's best interests first.
i'm a mom myself and there was a time when I had to hand the baby over to my ex, her dad, as I had been evicted and had nowhere for her to go. I did so willingly because I was being stupid and doing drugs (mda and crystal) and my daughter deserved better.
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