northend79

I don't post very often....but I chat in the chat fairly often.

I am a full blown alcoholic. It's pretty disgusting.

I just managed to string together several months of sobriety, the only reason being I was too depressed to leave my bed. no joke. Work, but aside from that, I was coming home and going to bed everyday. Sleeping 12-14 hours a day. I still wanted to and thought about drinking.

I couldn't do anything else aside from that. I couldn't even read or watch television, I wasn't able to concentrate.

At work I was having to break in the washrooms to cry, and had to leave several times due to panic attacks.

My days off, I didn't get dressed , shower, nothing close to real life.

The Meds have kicked in and the sun came out....and what did I do this weekend?

I got power loaded.

I saw it coming....I spent all week anxious and crying telling people I was happier when I was drinking.

I wrote a suicide note on Friday and told myself to give it 6 more months. ( As I had given myself a year six months ago.) It's no way to live. The six months is only because I'm a parent and I don't want my son to have that guilt. But I have failed as a parent in every regard.

I am afraid of everything. I haven't filed my taxes in three years. I have nothing of substance to say to anyone...because I don't do anything.I have gained 30 lbs and look awful. I don't like being around people....this is all because I hate myself.

Drinking does nothing except erase the days and increase my anxiety. Although it does give me temporary relief......but only in the sense it erases my days.

I cannot drink normally. At all. Black out. everytime.

Anyhow.....I'm calling detox when they open in an hour and a half.

I'm not sure why I haven't gone this route yet. I desperately need help.

I am just so tired of pretending things are okay.

They are so not. They could not be any worse.

I have not ever been in this situation.

I know depression, and I know being a drunk.

But never has it gone this long. The drinking has only been three days this time around....but I know it will not end.

It's either call detox or get drunk again once the bank opens and I can move some funds around.

I am miserable. I always think I could not be more miserable....but it always gets worse.

I don't let myself be happy. For some reason.....I don't feel I deserve this.

So onto my year deal with myself....as I said, I was too depressed to leave my house for months.

Now that I can, I need to do something about it. Today.

If not for myself, my son. I always thought it was wrong to get sober for other people.....

So....if anyone wants to tell me about detox and what to expect....would love to hear it

I am shaky, anxious and crying.

I live with my mother.......she is away right now, but I drank on thursday while she was home. Quite likely she will be asking me to leave she returns. And I don't think she will be allowing my son to join me.

I just went to get a glass of water to have some sort of semblance of normal when my son wakes up.

I stepped on a broken beer bottle, sliced my foot open and vomitted.

My son woke up to me trying to deal with my foot ( which I think needs stitches) and the garbage next to me and asked what was wrong. I said " nothing, I stepped on a plate"

My child is not foolish. he does not need to wake up his mother sweating and shaking holding a towel over her foot.

I think at this point, if my mother doesn't ask me to leave....I will suggest it.

It's been part of the problem....I had moved in originally due to some of her health issues to help out financially. But it's been difficult. We do not get along. All my fault...not hers. She can be difficult to deal with, but I am 35 years old. And I handle it in a manner that is aking to a 12 year old. Perhaps 15....seeing as I did " party" when she left for the weekend.

I had asked her for help last year....to watch my son while I did detox / rehab. The answer was no. She believes in tough love and is partly in denial of my issues, depending on the day. I think she thought if left to my own devices, I would sober up/ become sane.

At least this time around....if I go, my son is already here.

I just don't know.

ZaBoozer

Hey there northend,

It may look bleak to you at the moment, but all is not lost. The way out that you are contemplating is not the solution. You will leave bigger problems behind.

I know that it's not easy for you right now, but you have done this before. You know that it takes baby steps.

Stick close here to SR, you know that they are a great bunch.

You will pull through this fine, you just got to do it in small chunks at a time.

OCDDan

If you just got loaded a few times recently, how would there be a need for detox? sounds to me your crying out for help, if your gonna move funds around, why not use that for a good therapist, I never would have believed that a therapist would help but it's given me a whole new perspective, actually, I have a once a week therapist, it was the doctor that i saw, I'm not sure if he was a psychiatrist, psychologist or other variety, have you had any guidance in life or a mentor?

Dee74

I think detox/rehab is a great idea.
Clear the decks and start anew

It's never too late to start a Chapter Two - write a new ending to your story Northend...we're all with you

D

BernieE

Dee is spot on, as usual. Detox/rehab to give yourself a reset. It's obvious you love your son to the moon and back, give him this gift, a sober mom who has spent time devoted to her sobriety and depression, and returns focused on being the best person she can be. You can do this, Northend. For your son but also for yourself.

OCDDan

Rehab yes, but how do you detox someone who's not toxic? she's been sober for months. I'm not trying to argue, just understand. Thanks, you guy's are great!

northend79

oh sorry....perhaps detox works different here? maybe it does.

I used to work there myself....not everyone there goes through a medical detox.

You stay for 3-7 days....and attend meetings and meet with counsellors /social workers. My plan was to and then move on to the 28 day program.

Maybe you're right though.

strategery

I am sorry to hear of how much you have struggled with everything, especially the depression since it is truly a terrible place to be. I agree with Dee in terms of the rehab. It will give you an opportunity to work on yourself to make yourself the best Northend you can be for yourself and your son.

Windancer

I can really relate to the feelings of despair, depression and desperation you are feeling. I agree with many on this thread and think you are on the right track. Detox\rehab and begin a new, brighter life!

IWalkTheLine

I done a detox in Brampton, Canada, and it is different there. More like a place to sober up with some added blood work. I did three days there after a OD, pretty much slept through it.

If your working could you not save up for a week away with you and your son, somewhere without easy access to booze. it will recharge your batteries, give you a change of scenery and just break the norm.

When I quit drinking I felt I wasnt getting anywhere, just working paying bills, no goals no light at the end of the tunnel. And because I was sober I stopped commiting crimes so actually had less money.

It wasnt just the going out drinking I was missing, everything changed. Movies, work, gambling, sport, DIY I had to be drunk to do any off this stuff. Everything lost its sparkle, what you really need to do is replace these things with something else, I didn't and went through the motions miserable, this lead me into another addiction, I maybe had depression but just put it down to P.A.W.S but who knows.

Mid thirties are a funny age, ya feel it's too late for a drastic change of carers, especially something that takes a lot of training but also feel something needs to be done soon because we aint getting any younger, and everyone around me seems sorted, I lost ten years being a daily drinker so sometimes its the thought of "is it worth it" It definately is but make use of the sober you. Make a list of what you want, what you want to do, then next time you want a drink get that list out, make some calls get started. Involve your mum, friend, son if hes old enough. Make being and doing this your addiction and goals.

My next goal is to start my own business since then I,ve opened an account, hired a lock up, and passed my driving test. I now need a van and new laptop and my goal will be reached i made this decision christmas, so it takes a while but keeps me going.

ScottFromWI

I think it sounds like a fantastic decision...and I hope you can learn some more about yourself and your addiction while you are there. Hopefully you can seek some help for your depression too.