Sparkledust

Hi everyone,

I'm having some troubles. I'm feeling like I want to just have a drink - like it's not actually that bad. I want it so much. I feel like I want to have this drink, get really drunk, then start over. I'm struggling so much with how a person can just never drink again.

I feel so BAD, so LOW, and I don't understand how I can never drink again to help me feel better. I know how much better I would feel if I drank. And I feel like this time, the cons would not be worse than the pros. Am I just not ready? Am I ambivalent again?

How do I never drink again, knowing full well how good I could feel if I drank???

There is much more to this story, but I just wanted to ask this question for now, since it is boggling my mind...... maybe I'm not ready, at the moment. I don't know. This just seems so impossible. Like I just don't want sobriety enough right now.

Do you think that is true?

least

Welcome to the family. It must not make you feel that good if you're asking that question here.

I finally got sober for good over five years ago and to be honest, I don't miss it at all. I did at first, but then got used to a better sober life and didn't want to go back to the despair I always felt when drinking.

Why not quit drinking for three months and see how you feel then. Drinking must not feel too good if you joined an abstinence forum.

Incontrol15

Welcome sparkle.
For me, it felt "good" only for a short time. Then I'd feel bad. I was sick and tired of feeling bad. Particularly anxiety and depression. The only way I was able to maintain "normalcy" was to drink ever day. All day. That meant I had to hide it, I was drinking and driving, I was numb to the world. Didn't care about anything, except drinking.

That is no way to live. It's irrational and illogical to think that drinking every day was the solution.

I was envious of people who enjoyed life and didn't have to drink.

The only way we can be happy most of the time, is to take care of ourselves mentally and physically. Alcohol does the exact opposite.

I heard a comedian say once that eating Lobster made him happy. But he didn't walk around with lobsters tied around his neck and eat one every meal of every day.

I wanted my life back. I knew it would take work, yet I KNOW life is better not being addicted to alcohol.

Today, I'm 4 weeks sober and life is ALREADY 1000% better. I should have done this a long time ago.

Nonsensical

But you're thinking that it's the wrong answer - that's why you're posting here.

There's word for that phenomenon. It's called addiction. I know, I've got it in spades.

Funny thing about feeling something, though; you don't have to act on it. I often feel like throwing my stapler at my boss's head. I feel like running idiot drivers off the road. I feel like seeing the hot chick nekkid. I feel like drinking. I don't DO any of those things.

This may sound stupid, but take a piece of paper and write down the 5 worst things that will happen as a direct result of not drinking today. It helps put those feelings in perspective.

You can do this!

Kris47

You're looking for relief. Alcohol gives that til it sucks you in. Then it no longer works and you find yourself looking for relief. Do yourself a favor. Find your relief in God, in family, in friends and in living life on lifes terms. Mush easier to do without a monkey on your back.

You are worth more than what alcohol can offer you.

Get back your sparkle. I'm rooting for you.

Fly N Buy

My romance with alcohol was over, the bad far outweighed any good - for myself, my family and society at large I came in contact with. I cheated all of the above of who I was and what I was soberly capable of giving.

When the consequences of drinking reach critical mass over any perceived benefit of continuing to drink , then - we may have a chance at quitting. Yes, we all need to reach that point of readiness.

As least appropriately pointed out....... It must not make you feel that good if you're asking that question here.

Thanks for the post, welcome........

site1Q84

It's hard to look at the long term when all you want is one drink and it would be so easy. Except it never ends up being one drink.

Making the effort to stay sober I get to feel good ALL of the time, not just when I have alcohol in me. Now that I am sober I realize that I didn't feel that good when I was drinking anyways, and I definitely didn't feel good the next morning.

You just have to give yourself time so you end up knowing you'll feel better sober than you will drunk. If you give it enough time, it starts to turn around that way.

Mysusnshine1

To be honest, I don't think about NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. I can't because I am to new to sobriety. Right now I'm focusing on not getting drunk right now. For the little time that I have been sober things keep getting better. My relationship with my husband is better and I'm getting back to work at a better position than when I left. I know that if I pick up a glass of wine tonight or tomorrow that all of my hard work will have been for nothing. I want to see where this new sober life will take me.
You'll have to find your own reasons to stay sober, we are all different. We all have our own motives. I hope you are able to find yours.

doggonecarl

Being ready isn't a factor of how easy it is to quit, but rather, the very struggle you describe. Your obsession with drinking is proof enough you need to quit.

But waiting until you are ready...it's your addiction's job to make sure you are never ready to quit.

Yazzylove

Sparkle! I felt the same exact way! I couldn't fathom never not having a drink ever ever ever again! It was soo daunting and freaked me the hell out!


This is what it boils down to.. Has your drinking gotten soo bad that not drinking would make your life soo much better? I know for me drinking a WHOLE bottle of wine while driving home ( only a 40 minute commute) then drinking another one before bed while taking care of 2 kids alone, cooking dinner, homework with kids.. Just got to be too much and had a big time effect on my parenting and health..
So again has your drinking gotten bad enough for you to quit or not?
If we could all have a couple of glasses of wine a night to take the edge off or 'relax' and call it a night we would .. But most of us just can't and have no choice but to just accepted it or die.

Sparkledust

least, Incontrol Nonsensical - thank you! I conveniently forget how bad it also makes me feel. Actually, very recently, I was almost 5 months sober. Well really, I might have to say almost 4 months - just before 4 months sober I went into hospital for unrelated health problems I suppose - I was in LOTS of pain and they gave me some pretty heavy duty painkillers IV. After I got out, I was on more heavy pain meds. It was only near the end of the prescription that I decided to take a few extra to see if it would give me a high (stupid idea! And yes, yes it did...) so I did that a few more times until they were gone (and had to go through horrible repercussions of doing that!)

Anyway, so one afternoon, I only had some very very mild pain meds in my house. I thought, if I take a bunch, and then have a nice glass of wine, maybe I will get same effect (I guess this was me relapsing...though I couldn't admit it at the time). And my first thought was actually "oh, I don't like alcohol as much as pain meds - guess I won't be getting back into alcohol!" and my rational brain said "yeah freakin right!!"

And so yes. I've had a few weeks now of on again, off again, drinking. But I've only had a couple times, at the most, of even drinking enough to get drunk drunk. Which is what my addict mind is now telling me that I need... One last super drunkfest time....or two... and then you can quit again, for good!!!....

I should know better.

When I was that many months sober, I actually felt really good!!!!! I have intense anxiety, and mood issues, and so on....well, I was at a point in my life where, finally, I felt like I was moving in a positive direction!! I had been in therapy for a couple years, and groups, and all kinds of things...but it was only then that my anxiety was truly lessening, and I was shocked...maybe alcohol had been playing a huger role in my anxiety than I thought! It wasn't the only contributing factor (and some is genetics) but my goodness - what a difference sobriety made!!!

Anyway. So relapsing was something I never wanted to happen to me. It had taken me about 7 months of quitting on again, off again, until I was finally able to stop in November...I told myself that if I actually relapsed again, that it would be almost impossible to come back from that.

And here I am - trying to tell myself that it's ok to get sh**face drunk!!! To "get it out of my system" and because "I never had a 'one last time' with this certain kind of alcohol!" haha WTF.

BTW, at around the same time I went into hospital, my therapist of the last couple years (who has been helping me with this and everything else) went on medical leave, and is STILL on leave, and I don't know what's wrong with her....

So I've been missing my go to person, to talk about all my issues. One of them being that after I got out of hospital, on my birthday, I found out that my friend died. In fact, it wasn't until after this happened that I actually started drinking. After the shock wore off, and I started to cry one day.... well, I instantly went back to the bottle. I see no coincidence there.


Anyway I'm sorry for rambling. There are even more things I've been dealing with these past two months - it's felt like a long two months of some kind of strange limbo - and it's been very lonely and confusing and distressing - and it was halfway through this limbo that I started drinking.

So all day I've been stuffing my face and trying ways to not drink, and to elevate my mood without alcohol. It's not working very well. But, a LOT of the things I had worked through last time I quit are coming to me, to be remembered....I mean ways that I coped, ways that I beat the addictive voice, etc. So I hope that these can help carry me through. But I just don't know.

Sparkledust

Ah! I didn't see everyone else's replies - thank you!!!!!

doggonecarl - you said "it's your addiction's job to make sure you are never ready to quit." omg I love that! Thank you! That is so true. I have a feeling that alcohol will never allow me to feel like it's the 'right' time.... I mean, the first time I quit for all those months, it felt like the right time, but not even a week later and it felt right to drink again!! And it was sooooo hard to push through that, and just not drink.....

It's true - it's just a feeling! I don't have to automatically do what my feelings say. Thanks to whomever brought that up. It's so true.

This is so tough. Thankfully right now I don't have money, because I purposely spent it before the long weekend so I couldn't buy any booze. But there is booze in this house, and I want to drink some....and I probably can....I just can't have much.

So I'm worried that I might have some, feel that buzz, and then irrationally drink more - and then tomorrow I would have some explaining to do. Or, a lot of cover ups and guilt and fear of being caught out for drinking too much of other people's booze.

That's why my addict mind is like 'buy your own when you get money (actually, it's saying you don't get money for two more weeks, so spend your phone bill money!) and buy your own and get super duper durnk - get it out of your system - THEN you can quit for good!!!

Gah. Except the next day I will want to drink just as badly. And the next, and the next, and the next.... I know how this works. I've been here before.

...it's just that last time, I quit after a huge might of drinking with terrible consequences. This time it's a little different. Oh well.

OCDDan

For me, I had to really believe that I can't handle the booze, sure I've quit before, said I'd never drink again and then failed, but I don't think deep down that I truly believed that I just can't stop drinking sometimes, It wasn't always a full blown out knock down hammered stupor, but it was getting more and more often, people were telling me stuff I did although that's been happening all my 45 year drinking career. Sure, I could sneek a drink, make it a week, a month or a year, but in the end, this time WILL be catastrophic. I truly believe that, until you believe that you cant handle the booze, I think you'll still want that drink (or anyone for that matter) I've never REALLY wanted to stop before. you'll know too, when you see your friends destroying themselves you'll feel sorry for them, you'll wish you could do something for them but you can't. You will know when you cant handle it.

Dee74

There's some really awesome wisdom here sparkledust.

You can easily convince yourself to drink again - I did hundreds of times...but every time you do that the hole you're digging gets a little deeper, and it'll take a little more effort to get out.

It takes a little faith to believe that - and a little willingness to sit with feeling uncomfortable for a while...but staying sober really is worth it.

You know where drinking leads - why not try seeing were recovery leads?

D

gettingsmarter

Sparkle I like who I am a lot better when I'm not drinking. Basically I care a whole lot more now and I like it. Drinking slowly(sometimes quickly) turns me the opposite.

EndGameNYC

Your intense cravings and self-talk around how much better you'd feel if you were to drink are perfectly natural. But only if you have a problem with alcohol.

How do you live without money?

savarna

this!!!!!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Sparkledust!!

Soberpotamus

How do I not drink? I just never let myself go there. It can't be an option anymore. Why? Because I know how it'll play out if I do drink "just one" again. Sure, it might not be a disaster the first time, or the second, but pretty soon it'll be a huge disaster. Huge. And then I get to grapple with kindling and PAWS. Hangovers, withdrawal, kindling, PAWS. Google those if you haven't already Hell on earth and a slow recovery for your brain. I hear it gets worse each time.

And the biggest motivation for me not to drink again is knowing whatever goals I'm working on right now, whatever plans I have for my future... all goes down the drain while I'm drinking. Straight down the drain. Halted. Put on hold. I hate that inertia more than anything.

Ruby2

[QUOTE=I'm having some troubles. I'm feeling like I want to just have a drink - like it's not actually that bad. I want it so much. I feel like I want to have this drink, get really drunk, then start over. I'm struggling so much with how a person can just never drink again.

I feel so BAD, so LOW, and I don't understand how I can never drink again to help me feel better. I know how much better I would feel if I drank. And I feel like this time, the cons would not be worse than the pros. Am I just not ready? Am I ambivalent again?

How do I never drink again, knowing full well how good I could feel if I drank??? [/QUOTE]

This is heart wrenching to me because it so describes my last desperate days of drinking. When the thoughts were swirling around in my head, around and around, back and forth. Sending pleas and prayers to the sky that just for today I could drink. Tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow will be day one. But day one didn't come easily. I checked myself into hospital detox and inpatient rehab to get off that crazy train.

You have gotten some super suggestions here. One thing I wanted to say is that in my opinion, relapses don't just happen. I think they are carefully orchestrated events leading to me drinking. Consciously and unconsciously I stop doing what I should be doing, leading to the inevitable. But it doesn't have to be inevitable if I am more mindful. You have had a rough time. Be kind to yourself.