healthy marriage?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
healthy marriage?
I'm feeling flustered and confused.
How do I know if I have a healthy marriage? When to stay, and when to call it quits, and cut my losses?
I don't have role models in this regard. I really don't like my parents way of interacting with one another. However, I don't like how my wife and I will communicate sometimes as well.
She is pregnant and I am excited. But, I'm also deathly afraid. I'm scared that while I will keep the alcohol demon away, I might be an enabler with my wife's behavior. She doesn't have issues with drinking. But, she does have issues with her anger and our house is a giant clutter mess. The baby's room is full of stuff (you can't even enter the doorway). And baby is due in 5 months.
Yesterday, for her b-day, I had made her a cake. I worked hard for several hours on it trying to make it good. Despite my hard work, I had overmixed the batter (directions were NOT good in this regard). I wanted to make a triple-layer lemon blueberry cake. Instead, we got a 3-layer lemon blueberry bar cake.
She wanted me to work outside as part of her birthday request. In the morning we went into town where she went shopping for flowers for a couple hours. Then we went to eat. Then we get home about 6 pm. She calls her mom, and I pass out. Somehow I was super tired/exhausted and slept for 2 hours. It's slightly after 8 and she asks if I'm going to do work outside and I say, "no" - it was late. She gets really pissed because I "promised" I would do work. I've gotten really tired of working outside, especially when she won't just accept a little bit less than perfect. She adds on projects left and right and I think it's way too much to manage. We will have a baby eventually and then we won't have time for anything.
Anyways, she went into a rage and was cursing and screaming at me. She wanted some sorbet...fine, let's go get sorbet for your birthday. I get in the car with her and she proceeds to drive but yell at me about not working outside. She is driving recklessly - lead foot on gas, switching to slamming on the breaks, or swerving. I feel so uncomfortable with her driving that I demand to be let out. She drives too fast for a while for me to exit the vehicle. We get to the store, and she yells "get out!". I get out and leave instantly. I will not be in a vehicle that is being driven so unsafely. I walk home - it was a short distance and a nice day for a walk.
Her behavior gets to a point where her anger is completely out-of-control. She has a baby on the way AND I'm in the vehicle. I had even asked her to just switch drivers. Nope.
Here I am trying to work on recovery and my wife has major anger issues. I recognize that pregnancy can change things (mood swings, etc) - yet at the same time, it's completely insensitive to blame her behavior on being pregnant. I'm at the end of my rope in some cases here.
It seems like I can figure myself out and work to be a better me. And yet, people around me just don't take responsibility for themselves. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I hate having a black-and-white response, but I feel like I'm out of solutions.
Walking away - leaving conversations. She still can't address her temper.
What is healthy? How do I have that in my life? I hate the feeling that I have to clean-slate everything and eventually get my child away. I don't want to think like that, but if she can't control her anger with a child...it will be a whole different story.
I wish I knew how to handle this stuff. My siblings and parents and absolutely horrible people to go talk to. I guess I have this forum, my sponsor, my counselor. I need a deep breath.
How do I know if I have a healthy marriage? When to stay, and when to call it quits, and cut my losses?
I don't have role models in this regard. I really don't like my parents way of interacting with one another. However, I don't like how my wife and I will communicate sometimes as well.
She is pregnant and I am excited. But, I'm also deathly afraid. I'm scared that while I will keep the alcohol demon away, I might be an enabler with my wife's behavior. She doesn't have issues with drinking. But, she does have issues with her anger and our house is a giant clutter mess. The baby's room is full of stuff (you can't even enter the doorway). And baby is due in 5 months.
Yesterday, for her b-day, I had made her a cake. I worked hard for several hours on it trying to make it good. Despite my hard work, I had overmixed the batter (directions were NOT good in this regard). I wanted to make a triple-layer lemon blueberry cake. Instead, we got a 3-layer lemon blueberry bar cake.
She wanted me to work outside as part of her birthday request. In the morning we went into town where she went shopping for flowers for a couple hours. Then we went to eat. Then we get home about 6 pm. She calls her mom, and I pass out. Somehow I was super tired/exhausted and slept for 2 hours. It's slightly after 8 and she asks if I'm going to do work outside and I say, "no" - it was late. She gets really pissed because I "promised" I would do work. I've gotten really tired of working outside, especially when she won't just accept a little bit less than perfect. She adds on projects left and right and I think it's way too much to manage. We will have a baby eventually and then we won't have time for anything.
Anyways, she went into a rage and was cursing and screaming at me. She wanted some sorbet...fine, let's go get sorbet for your birthday. I get in the car with her and she proceeds to drive but yell at me about not working outside. She is driving recklessly - lead foot on gas, switching to slamming on the breaks, or swerving. I feel so uncomfortable with her driving that I demand to be let out. She drives too fast for a while for me to exit the vehicle. We get to the store, and she yells "get out!". I get out and leave instantly. I will not be in a vehicle that is being driven so unsafely. I walk home - it was a short distance and a nice day for a walk.
Her behavior gets to a point where her anger is completely out-of-control. She has a baby on the way AND I'm in the vehicle. I had even asked her to just switch drivers. Nope.
Here I am trying to work on recovery and my wife has major anger issues. I recognize that pregnancy can change things (mood swings, etc) - yet at the same time, it's completely insensitive to blame her behavior on being pregnant. I'm at the end of my rope in some cases here.
It seems like I can figure myself out and work to be a better me. And yet, people around me just don't take responsibility for themselves. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I hate having a black-and-white response, but I feel like I'm out of solutions.
Walking away - leaving conversations. She still can't address her temper.
What is healthy? How do I have that in my life? I hate the feeling that I have to clean-slate everything and eventually get my child away. I don't want to think like that, but if she can't control her anger with a child...it will be a whole different story.
I wish I knew how to handle this stuff. My siblings and parents and absolutely horrible people to go talk to. I guess I have this forum, my sponsor, my counselor. I need a deep breath.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Reading this feels very similar to my own experiences/pregnancies. So with my hindsight goggles firmly attached: I've always best served myself when I stopped to think about what my role was in the scenario.
I hear you saying that you don't like her anger or how she communicated with you.
It also sounds like you made a commitment and then didn't keep your word (regardless of the reasoning).
My ESH: "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean." This is a big one for our family because my RAH tends to be a commitment breaker (really, he has a major issue with over committing/people pleasing to his own demise, he'll promise big promises to any and everyone and then he breaks them with a lot of defensiveness rather than apology and a plan B) and I have a tendency to say things mean when I'm upset. I've also learned to temper my expectations for him. And I give myself time to respond when I'm feeling strong emotions in a situation.
Also, go easy on yourself. Maybe just strive for healthier. Pregnancy, babies, marriage. These things are difficult waters for EVERYONE to navigate not just ACOAs or alcoholics or codependents etc. Do you know any other men with young families? Those are your people to talk to and relate with. Also, there are LOTS of great books for men on what to expect when your wife is pregnant, etc. Lastly, 5 months is a long time, so maybe go easy on her too.
If it makes you feel any better, I was a total crazy person during both of my pregnancies. Pregnancy hormones didn't agree with me at all.
I hear you saying that you don't like her anger or how she communicated with you.
It also sounds like you made a commitment and then didn't keep your word (regardless of the reasoning).
My ESH: "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean." This is a big one for our family because my RAH tends to be a commitment breaker (really, he has a major issue with over committing/people pleasing to his own demise, he'll promise big promises to any and everyone and then he breaks them with a lot of defensiveness rather than apology and a plan B) and I have a tendency to say things mean when I'm upset. I've also learned to temper my expectations for him. And I give myself time to respond when I'm feeling strong emotions in a situation.
What is healthy? How do I have that in my life?
If it makes you feel any better, I was a total crazy person during both of my pregnancies. Pregnancy hormones didn't agree with me at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
She definitely freaked me out. She was completely different today. I suggested that she come to my counseling meeting tomorrow (I go every week). She refused - said I would complain at her. I suggested she could go see someone on her own. She said "you think i'm f'ed up" - I said, "r u kidding? I go every week to counseling - write on forums - go to meetings several times a week - diagnosed with PTSD and alcoholism - why would I judge you going to counseling? we'd both be f'ed up in your scenario". She was still po'd. I'm just going to stick to doing what's best for me and doing what works. No easy answers here.
Today was much better. cest la vie.
One day at a time.
Today was much better. cest la vie.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Thotful,
This is the first time you have ever given SR a glimpse of your homelife that I am aware of. Now I see perhaps why you at times seem over-focused on your FOO - you've got issues in your marriage.
What is your wife reacting to with this anger? This clutter sounds close to early hoarding if you can't even get in the baby's room and you have clutter all over the house. Is she afraid? Is she in denial? What is she trying to bury in your house? This isn't something you can fix, but you may need to ask her to address this now - before the baby arrives.
You may also be the one to start truncating plans when they get too grandiose. "Yes I can finish the water feature in the front yard, but I am not digging the moat until next spring. It is going to be a vision when we get everything done, but I want to enjoy the process. I want to spend time with you enjoying what we do have done."
But since you are dealing with a pregnant woman who has really struggled to get to that state, your first plan of action might be best to grovel on the fact you didn't do the outdoor work as promised on her birthday and get to it...
Very interesting post Thotful. Take care of yourself.
This is the first time you have ever given SR a glimpse of your homelife that I am aware of. Now I see perhaps why you at times seem over-focused on your FOO - you've got issues in your marriage.
What is your wife reacting to with this anger? This clutter sounds close to early hoarding if you can't even get in the baby's room and you have clutter all over the house. Is she afraid? Is she in denial? What is she trying to bury in your house? This isn't something you can fix, but you may need to ask her to address this now - before the baby arrives.
You may also be the one to start truncating plans when they get too grandiose. "Yes I can finish the water feature in the front yard, but I am not digging the moat until next spring. It is going to be a vision when we get everything done, but I want to enjoy the process. I want to spend time with you enjoying what we do have done."
But since you are dealing with a pregnant woman who has really struggled to get to that state, your first plan of action might be best to grovel on the fact you didn't do the outdoor work as promised on her birthday and get to it...
Very interesting post Thotful. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say that my father was an angry man. Not an addict, but very high strung and very angry, all the time. And very demanding. To be a child of someone like that had so much negative impact on my life.
I hope something happens to make her see herself in a different light b/c if that continues your poor child has a life of misery to look forward to.
I am sorry. I am not trying to be negative about all of it, I just think that having a child with someone with mental issues like this is serious business.
Many hugs to you.
I hope something happens to make her see herself in a different light b/c if that continues your poor child has a life of misery to look forward to.
I am sorry. I am not trying to be negative about all of it, I just think that having a child with someone with mental issues like this is serious business.
Many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
hey thotful,
first, i know that as an acoa, dealing with someone's anger can be really difficult, aside from all contributing factors. i know that when someone rages at me, my scope generally narrows down to 'i don't deserve/can't handle being treated this way, and shouldn't have to.' which is basically a true statement. i get to a tiny place. this happened recently with my cousin. as much as i could be understanding and compassionate about her situation, i didn't feel like she had the right to scream at me, no matter what.
but. you know she's pregnant, and that's a contributing factor - good thing to note! that doesn't invalidate anything she feels or mean that her experience is based on imaginings but, you know, it's a factor. also there's another thing - BIRTHDAY PRESSURE. i hate it! it's like there's all this pressure on that one day a year, everything your loved ones do or don't do is like proof of whether or not they really love you. it's totally irrational but a lot of us get to feeling like that some times.
maybe there was a crossroads during the day, as you guys set out to go flower shopping or as you guys saw it was starting to go for hours, when either of you could have said 'hey, this is cutting into potential outside work time, maybe we should go home, or maybe if you want to keep going here it will mean the outside work has to get done tomorrow.' it may be that with all the various pressures - birthday pressure included - that all the things that were 'supposed to' get done that day simply weren't going to, while also allowing for some birthday spontaneity, and you guys were both in a lose/lose situation and should cut yourselves some slack as a team.
as for the larger issues... are you able, in calmer moments, to talk to her about how you feel when she gets angry? is she able to listen?
if not, and maybe even if so, maybe having a marriage counselor in your court starting NOW would be a great thing for you both. that's kind of pat advice, but having a trusted advisor might help you both feel safe and secure knowing that you will always have a place where you will feel heard, and be assisted in sorting out your feelings together for the common good.
for yourself - do you have any books about / do you practice mindfulness, loving kindness? keeping active compassion as part of your daily practice may be very helpful.
first, i know that as an acoa, dealing with someone's anger can be really difficult, aside from all contributing factors. i know that when someone rages at me, my scope generally narrows down to 'i don't deserve/can't handle being treated this way, and shouldn't have to.' which is basically a true statement. i get to a tiny place. this happened recently with my cousin. as much as i could be understanding and compassionate about her situation, i didn't feel like she had the right to scream at me, no matter what.
but. you know she's pregnant, and that's a contributing factor - good thing to note! that doesn't invalidate anything she feels or mean that her experience is based on imaginings but, you know, it's a factor. also there's another thing - BIRTHDAY PRESSURE. i hate it! it's like there's all this pressure on that one day a year, everything your loved ones do or don't do is like proof of whether or not they really love you. it's totally irrational but a lot of us get to feeling like that some times.
maybe there was a crossroads during the day, as you guys set out to go flower shopping or as you guys saw it was starting to go for hours, when either of you could have said 'hey, this is cutting into potential outside work time, maybe we should go home, or maybe if you want to keep going here it will mean the outside work has to get done tomorrow.' it may be that with all the various pressures - birthday pressure included - that all the things that were 'supposed to' get done that day simply weren't going to, while also allowing for some birthday spontaneity, and you guys were both in a lose/lose situation and should cut yourselves some slack as a team.
as for the larger issues... are you able, in calmer moments, to talk to her about how you feel when she gets angry? is she able to listen?
if not, and maybe even if so, maybe having a marriage counselor in your court starting NOW would be a great thing for you both. that's kind of pat advice, but having a trusted advisor might help you both feel safe and secure knowing that you will always have a place where you will feel heard, and be assisted in sorting out your feelings together for the common good.
for yourself - do you have any books about / do you practice mindfulness, loving kindness? keeping active compassion as part of your daily practice may be very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
It's not often because this is a board about alcoholism - I have the disease. And many of my FOO members do. My wife does not.
So, my writing tends to focus on the alcoholism - how it effects me and my family.
Unfortunately, my FOO's behavior overshadows a lot. It's like I'm doing triage. Breaking free from enmeshment takes a lot of work. Residuals of enmeshment have me thinking about the thoughts of others instead of focusing on my own life.
I once said that I wish things were in a vaccuum, so I could understand their individual impact. My wife gained weight (feels horrible about it), started having clutter issues soon after my falling out with two siblings (probably not a coincidence), we've struggled with infertility for almost 5 years, I'm sober going on 3 years now, father is sick with alcoholism as well as several siblings, wife has ADD-inattentive, her brother was lost at sea about many years ago, etc, etc. Maybe that's why she has a hard time letting material things go? Any one of these circumstances would be enough to deal with.
As I get more and more recovery, I can put more attention to my own family (and get out of the icky enmeshment - that stuff is toxic and still pulls on me).
So, my writing tends to focus on the alcoholism - how it effects me and my family.
Unfortunately, my FOO's behavior overshadows a lot. It's like I'm doing triage. Breaking free from enmeshment takes a lot of work. Residuals of enmeshment have me thinking about the thoughts of others instead of focusing on my own life.
I once said that I wish things were in a vaccuum, so I could understand their individual impact. My wife gained weight (feels horrible about it), started having clutter issues soon after my falling out with two siblings (probably not a coincidence), we've struggled with infertility for almost 5 years, I'm sober going on 3 years now, father is sick with alcoholism as well as several siblings, wife has ADD-inattentive, her brother was lost at sea about many years ago, etc, etc. Maybe that's why she has a hard time letting material things go? Any one of these circumstances would be enough to deal with.
As I get more and more recovery, I can put more attention to my own family (and get out of the icky enmeshment - that stuff is toxic and still pulls on me).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I would love couples counseling. She has refused to go with me. I don't want to use ultimatums to get her to go. (we've gone before and it's really helpful - she doesn't always like it)
I will see my counselor today. I've suggested that she attend counseling herself. In the past, when I let go of her and just worked on myself that seemed to be the best motivator. Without me even asking, she started seeking out counseling on her own.
Suggestions beyond me doing my 12-step work, counseling, forum, etc?
Hmmm, maybe she would be more willing if I asked later.
(she's definitely on board for parenting classes - not sure what those will be like)
I will see my counselor today. I've suggested that she attend counseling herself. In the past, when I let go of her and just worked on myself that seemed to be the best motivator. Without me even asking, she started seeking out counseling on her own.
Suggestions beyond me doing my 12-step work, counseling, forum, etc?
Hmmm, maybe she would be more willing if I asked later.
(she's definitely on board for parenting classes - not sure what those will be like)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
just found this noodling around the web for my own stuff.
Relationship Help: Advice for Building Relationships that are Healthy, Happy and Satisfying
Relationship Help: Advice for Building Relationships that are Healthy, Happy and Satisfying
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
This forum is for all aspects of living a life of recovery. ACOA in particular is for all family dysfunction. My mom isn't an alcoholic she is a narcissist. But, I still belong here and the program can help me too
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
What happy said; this forum is to provide support for us ACoA's as we deal with life in recovery. The details of the dysfunction that brought us here are irrelevant. The addiction, chaos, insanity, narcissism, psychopath, etc. etc. are just the diagnosis of _their_ disease. What _we_ share in common is the pain of being raised in that nightmare.
Please feel free to share whatever you want. If it is really, really, way off topic then just preface the title of a new thread with "OT" or "Off Topic" and carry on.
Should there be any issue over topics and what may or may not be acceptable let me worry about it, that's _my_ job
Mike
Moderator, SR
Please feel free to share whatever you want. If it is really, really, way off topic then just preface the title of a new thread with "OT" or "Off Topic" and carry on.
Should there be any issue over topics and what may or may not be acceptable let me worry about it, that's _my_ job
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Thotful,
The Karpman triangles might help you see patterns in your marriage too. RAH and I used to fight for the victim role. We were both too Codie to last long in the persecutor slot.
My RAH and I match quite closely on a number of ACOA traits. My parents are not addicts but my family life was dysfunctional. Look at the laundry list when you can in relation to your wife. She might have some traits. She might be 'one of us.' I was quite surprised to be here. Knowing my RAH is ACOA gives me insight and understanding into his approach to life. So I take a breath sometimes rather than light into him.
Talk to your counselor about these issues. Personally I think one way to work on your family enmeshment is to focus on your marriage. But I think your counselor would be one with a lot more insight.
Do you have a long weekend? Maybe offer to work an hour each day on the baby's room? I suspect she is afraid of losing the baby. I suspect she is afraid of losing you too Thotful. Clutter weighs things down. Being present for her and working on the clutter in a small focused way might be a peaceful and kind way forward without getting into her thoughts in an invasive way.
The Karpman triangles might help you see patterns in your marriage too. RAH and I used to fight for the victim role. We were both too Codie to last long in the persecutor slot.
My RAH and I match quite closely on a number of ACOA traits. My parents are not addicts but my family life was dysfunctional. Look at the laundry list when you can in relation to your wife. She might have some traits. She might be 'one of us.' I was quite surprised to be here. Knowing my RAH is ACOA gives me insight and understanding into his approach to life. So I take a breath sometimes rather than light into him.
Talk to your counselor about these issues. Personally I think one way to work on your family enmeshment is to focus on your marriage. But I think your counselor would be one with a lot more insight.
Do you have a long weekend? Maybe offer to work an hour each day on the baby's room? I suspect she is afraid of losing the baby. I suspect she is afraid of losing you too Thotful. Clutter weighs things down. Being present for her and working on the clutter in a small focused way might be a peaceful and kind way forward without getting into her thoughts in an invasive way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Yes, since I'm a person in recovery (RAH), then my wife might benefit from Al-Anon. I told her as much as she didn't seem interested in Al-Anon.
I'll need to figure out some balance between the two of us for outside work. A few hours for most days of the week is reasonable. Just yesterday I worked on some things for only about 2 hours. Not a biggie. She was thankful for that.
I did tell her that I would not feel comfortable riding in a vehicle with her again unless she did not repeat her behavior. That I walked home because I was so uncomfortable with her driving. She admitted that she "can't drive" when we're arguing and that I shouldn't argue with her in the car. She didn't fully accept her behavior, but did acknowledge the driving was not safe. I'll just have to maintain boundaries there.
We talk often about what time I have available and how much I can add to help her out. If it's a few hours almost every day she could be happy and I could be happy to still have some free time for me. At least during the summer with lots of outside work to do.
Yesterday was significantly more mellow. A good day. Course, most of our days are like that.
I'll need to figure out some balance between the two of us for outside work. A few hours for most days of the week is reasonable. Just yesterday I worked on some things for only about 2 hours. Not a biggie. She was thankful for that.
I did tell her that I would not feel comfortable riding in a vehicle with her again unless she did not repeat her behavior. That I walked home because I was so uncomfortable with her driving. She admitted that she "can't drive" when we're arguing and that I shouldn't argue with her in the car. She didn't fully accept her behavior, but did acknowledge the driving was not safe. I'll just have to maintain boundaries there.
We talk often about what time I have available and how much I can add to help her out. If it's a few hours almost every day she could be happy and I could be happy to still have some free time for me. At least during the summer with lots of outside work to do.
Yesterday was significantly more mellow. A good day. Course, most of our days are like that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Thotful,
There is a saying: water finds its own level. Since my acoa husband has never done any recovery work, I suppose I must be dysfunctional in some ways too?
I agree with you that your wife’s clutter is not a coincidence. Both my husband and his brother are not alcoholics or addicts, they do, however, have problems with hoarding / clutter.
My BIL’s hoarding was so severe that I believe his hoarding is a symptom of OCD. It started around the time he was going through a painful divorce – his wife had an affair whilst he was working overseas. The hoarding got out of control as his finance worsened. I do feel sorry for him – he deserves better.
My marriage mirrors yours in a way, my acoa husband is the one with anger issues. He does not scream or curse at me when he is angry but he can get so angry to the point that he wanted to smash things up.
What happened to you in the car, well, that happened to me too! We were not arguing, I must have said something to upset him. I broke into tears and told him to stop the car, I wanted to get out.
There has been times when he was angry with me because he asked me to help him and I promised I would but sat on it for days. So nowadays if he asked for help, I do it straightaway.
At the same time, I have stopped enabling his anger. If he breaks anything or turn the furniture upside down, I leave it to him to tidy up the mess himself.
Most of the time though, he‘s angry because he got so frustrated when he could not find what he is looking for because of the clutter.
I work fulltime and struggled to keep up with everything, but we both have made a start on decluttering since beginning of this year to keep the clutter under control, especially paper clutter.
How do you feel about the clutter in your house? Does it stressed you out? If your house is less cluttered, will you spend more time at home?
Like you, I suggested therapy to my husband, he said its too late for him. So I did the best next thing which is to print a copy of the acoa laundry list from this website and gave the list to him.
This lead to him discussing his childhood with two childhood friends who knew his alcoholic father, also to my daughter and myself. It seemed to help, he does not seemed to be that angry anymore.
My husband never took his anger out of my daughter. He is extremely patient with her and tried to be to her the father he never had.
There is a saying: water finds its own level. Since my acoa husband has never done any recovery work, I suppose I must be dysfunctional in some ways too?
I agree with you that your wife’s clutter is not a coincidence. Both my husband and his brother are not alcoholics or addicts, they do, however, have problems with hoarding / clutter.
My BIL’s hoarding was so severe that I believe his hoarding is a symptom of OCD. It started around the time he was going through a painful divorce – his wife had an affair whilst he was working overseas. The hoarding got out of control as his finance worsened. I do feel sorry for him – he deserves better.
My marriage mirrors yours in a way, my acoa husband is the one with anger issues. He does not scream or curse at me when he is angry but he can get so angry to the point that he wanted to smash things up.
What happened to you in the car, well, that happened to me too! We were not arguing, I must have said something to upset him. I broke into tears and told him to stop the car, I wanted to get out.
There has been times when he was angry with me because he asked me to help him and I promised I would but sat on it for days. So nowadays if he asked for help, I do it straightaway.
At the same time, I have stopped enabling his anger. If he breaks anything or turn the furniture upside down, I leave it to him to tidy up the mess himself.
Most of the time though, he‘s angry because he got so frustrated when he could not find what he is looking for because of the clutter.
I work fulltime and struggled to keep up with everything, but we both have made a start on decluttering since beginning of this year to keep the clutter under control, especially paper clutter.
How do you feel about the clutter in your house? Does it stressed you out? If your house is less cluttered, will you spend more time at home?
Like you, I suggested therapy to my husband, he said its too late for him. So I did the best next thing which is to print a copy of the acoa laundry list from this website and gave the list to him.
This lead to him discussing his childhood with two childhood friends who knew his alcoholic father, also to my daughter and myself. It seemed to help, he does not seemed to be that angry anymore.
My husband never took his anger out of my daughter. He is extremely patient with her and tried to be to her the father he never had.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
The clutter is definitely uncomfortable for me. And it is for her as well. But she'll argue with me and say "it's not clutter" - She's trying to get ready for the baby and is feeling overwhelmed. It "seems" so easy to me, where I think that she could just dial down the amount of projects she lines up and accept less than perfect. She refers to "the clutter" as unfinished projects. I feel frustrated because with my own stuff and projects, etc - I don't set up more than I can handle. If it's something I won't be working on right now, why have all the stuff sitting out just taking up room? I view "time" as a precious commodity and I'd rather not trade it for fix what seem like tiny little differences to me. But for her, they're huge problems that need fixing.
I've had a much easier time figuring me out and trying my best to fix me the best I can. It's extremely difficult working things out with her sometimes, because I don't understand how she can 1. get so angry and 2. have such a hard time calming down - granted, my perspective is so skewed because I spent decades removing anger from me...well...stuffing it in, that is.
I've got no answers, so I continue to go to meetings. Go to counseling (when my wife asks, I suggest finding professional help - that I go to counseling myself and it doesn't mean I'm "less" than in any way - nor would it be if she did - she had a counselor she was meeting for a while, but the person moved - I hope she finds someone she likes at some point).
I've supposed today is better than yesterday...so to speak. I feel stronger in my sense of self and setting boundaries and being a better version of me. I seek out friendships and find good ones and am building my own sense of family that brings much more support. My marriage is tough and we're both stressed. My family has been zero support (even if things were bad in my marriage, they have been "part of the problem" as opposed to "part of the solution" - at least several of my siblings - there are other family-of-origin members that have been great - I need to spend more time with them and more mental energy on them as well)
Thanks for sharing your story and reading about mine.
I've had a much easier time figuring me out and trying my best to fix me the best I can. It's extremely difficult working things out with her sometimes, because I don't understand how she can 1. get so angry and 2. have such a hard time calming down - granted, my perspective is so skewed because I spent decades removing anger from me...well...stuffing it in, that is.
I've got no answers, so I continue to go to meetings. Go to counseling (when my wife asks, I suggest finding professional help - that I go to counseling myself and it doesn't mean I'm "less" than in any way - nor would it be if she did - she had a counselor she was meeting for a while, but the person moved - I hope she finds someone she likes at some point).
I've supposed today is better than yesterday...so to speak. I feel stronger in my sense of self and setting boundaries and being a better version of me. I seek out friendships and find good ones and am building my own sense of family that brings much more support. My marriage is tough and we're both stressed. My family has been zero support (even if things were bad in my marriage, they have been "part of the problem" as opposed to "part of the solution" - at least several of my siblings - there are other family-of-origin members that have been great - I need to spend more time with them and more mental energy on them as well)
Thanks for sharing your story and reading about mine.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
