anxiouswife2

So my state has this 1 year seperation period before divorce can be filed if its "no fault." Ahem... it is very much someone's fault but i chose to take the less expensive, lawyer-filled route after a lot of discussion with an attorney who thought my ex husband has "bigger fish to fry" than fight me in any way and would just sign the dotted line...

He's across the country til June 8th. He left March 8th. He last saw his daughter in January, the last time i saw him was the end of the last year- maybe Thanksgiving? I swear he could walk right past me and I wouldn't even know who he was at this point...

Anyway - to my point of the post. Divorce papers were served via mail. the moment i've been waiting for, untying this knot makes me relieved, happy and excited for the future honestly. However, I get a phone call today (from a different number so i answered unknowingly) and all he says is..."got your papers. you know this is life or death for me right? I will walk out of here & use until I die if I have nothing to work towards."

Yikes. I am TERRIFIED of him coming home, more so than i was before. i thought for sure he'd come home and start the chaos again, like calling and showing up at my new house or trying to see our daughter. but i thought the divorce would be solid evidence that yes, sir, we are doing this life without you...

I dont want to give him so much power over my feelings at the moment but i'd be lying if i said i wasnt sitting here sick to my stomach.
I simply said "you made your decisions & i made mine." and hung up the phone. the person he was when he was actively using and before rehab, that person is crazy enough to make me feel like he'd follow through on a terrible threat of suicide. The person he is today, I'm not sure, but his state of mind concerns me. Ugh... thanks for letting me vent.

hopeful4

Ugh. I am so sorry. Here is what I will tell you.

I divorced last year. My X made a lot of suicide threats. Luckily, the wonderful people at CR responded to him and told me to stay out of it. Thing is, that is an easy way to manipulate someone else.

I had finally decided I had done every single thing possible that I could do. That I would hate if he were suicidal, but I could not live my entire life being held hostage by those words.

He's still around today. No more suicide threats. It was manipulation. I made it quite clear that if he called me saying things like that, I would call 911 and have them respond. I told him that I don't play with suicide, amd that I am not the person to assist, I am not a psychiatrist or a medical doctor.

Hugs to you. Vent away, that is what we are here for !

Vale

Call any doctor. At the beginning it will usually state
"if this is a life threatening emergency---please hang up
and dial 911".

We should adopt a similar, cool, professional stance to
suicide threats.

"If this is a pathetic attempt at manipulation, pack sand.
If this is a serious suicide threat, please hang up and dial 911."

There are people trained and certified to deal with the
threat of suicide.

I am not.

Those charged with professional responsibilities are not
"winging it".There are immediate and severe professional
consequences for failure to perform. It is not a job for an
amateur and CERTAINLY not a job for an amateur with
an emotional stake in the outcome.


You wrote:
>>>I simply said "you made your decisions & i made mine."<<<<

You are strong. That is nothing to ever be ashamed of. You have
established a perimeter/a border and have made it unambiguous
that you will enforce same.

chicory

I am sorry that he said that to you. I can imagine how it must have made you feel.
Keep strong and moving forward. We don't have to stay with abusers because they threaten suicide. That is one of the biggest reasons to leave- abuse and manipulation. You sound strong. Hang in there

mnh1982

Simply because he says it's so, does not make you responsible for his behavior. Suicide included.

While this may sound short-sighted, I don't believe for a second that most of those who are suicidal & ultimately commit suicide speak about it in such melodramatic terms. It seems he believes that if he threatens to harm himself, your conscience will kick in (as it no doubt has in the past) & you'll stop the divorce proceedings.

My AH thought the same thing, albeit he hasn't threatened suicide. He truly thought drama & ultimatums on his part would lead to me giving him yet another chance.

Then he saw the divorce case number logged in CourtView.

Game over.

Bear in mind that your husband has been absent from your life this long. If you have lived without him this far, you can certainly continue to. It might not be easy, but it will be OK.

Well done on hanging up. I'd have & have done the same

story74

Going through my divorce was beyond the worst. My anxiety and fear also made me sick. I did yoga to get me through. Try to look for something healthy to release these emotions.

I wouldn't worry about his quacking. Just make sure you document everything.

I doubt he will get his act together and come back. He was probably attacking you because he was scared and angry. I'm sure deep down he knows he has royaly messed up and is hurting. Not that it matters now.

I applaud your strength. You are doing and saying the right things. It is really hard to not let them shake us up...they are masters at this! Just take a deep breath and enjoy the moment you are in now. Keep looking to the future as nothing but full of possibilities and happiness. Keep being the best mom you.can be and just enjoy every minute of your child.

Take care

anxiouswife2

This is the best outlet for all of the crazy he's made in my life, and i am so grateful! thanks everyone for the kind words. i'm gonna keep on keeping on exactly how i have been and stay the course, but it is very hard not to feel the hurt of their suffering, regardless of if they have the capacity to be a part of our lives anymore.
hurt people hurt people, and so it goes with addiction!

Refiner

Anxious, I think it's probably manipulation, but just in case, if he ever gets through to you again like that and threatens suicide, please set a firm boundary and tell him you'll call 911 every time he does it. And more importantly, he's likely going to amp up the contact BIG time especially once he's out. Are you looking into a RO so legally he is not allowed to contact you?

Seren

Please don't feel responsible or guilty...I know that is hard. But if you think about it, he didn't do any better while you were together, right? What would be better if you stopped the divorce proceedings? IMHO, it won't. If he wants his life to improve, then it is up to him to pick up his own life and do that work.

I am sorry you had to deal with that phone call! Hang in there!

Hawkeye13

I'd call his counselor at the rehab and tell him about the threat, and that you will be calling 911 for any future threats.

You'd better get that RO if you haven't yet--sounds like you may need it sooner than later.

I'm sorry you are having to put up with this manipulative crap but he's the one who choose addiction over his family.

anxiouswife2

This might sound dumb but bare with me... Since i know the date he's coming back to the state (and will be living just 15 minutes away from me), could i get one as soon as he arrives or do i need to wait for an incident to occur? I've never filed one, so I'm curious as to whether there needs to be an event to spur it or just the fact that i'm scared of him & know whats coming my way is enough?

Refiner

Anxious, I'm not sure and hopefully someone here can come on and help. But I also think it would be a good idea to contact a local DV advocate/shelter and get advice. A go-to person that knows the ropes during all of this. I've learned from other threads what a HUGE help they can be during this kind of stuff.

Falseclaimsact

Refiner had good advice to call a shelter and see what they say. I believe it depends on the state you are in what factors they look at to grant an RO. Many states also have TROs which I think are issued in a pro se context, to temporarily address emergency situations before a full, fact intensive RO hearing.

I volunteered in domestic violence intake for family court in PA and factors that the judges look at when granting PFAs (protection from abuse) include past history of violence or intimidation, whether defendant has had combat training, content of a specific threat, threats involving weapons, defendant's ability to access weapons, and defendant's history of drug use. I am not giving legal advice and I don't know what state you are in, but those are things I learned during my time at the court.

You can probably also call and ask your questions directly to the court. I can't guarantee they will be nice or patient but they should be able to help answer questions (or recommend that you come in to make a petition).

I know that you may not recognize my username but I have read all of your posts as your situation is very similar to mine. Thank you for sharing all that you have, it has helped me a lot. I am hoping the best for you. The courts are always available to call, it doesn't cost anything.

mnh1982

You are at any time, as far as I know, able to file for a temporary order (in my state it lasts 20 days). And, in most states, even if your longterm request for a DVO is denied, the temporary order takes effect immediately & lasts the 20 days regardless of the outcome of the longterm petition.
You also do not need to have the other party's consent, or even inform them, that you are taking out the order. This is what is called an "ex parte" filing, meaning that you can fill out the form at the police station or courthouse without the other party present & by law, at a minimum, the court will grant the 20-day temporary order.
In the event that you do file for a longterm order, it will likely only last for a year. After which, you must refile. For those, you DO have to show up to court, but usually only to give a brief statement to the judge.
At any time if you feel threatened, you can call the police & ask for their help. They have a process in place for emergency orders & will come escort the other party from your place of residence.
I would not, as I'm sure most others on SR agree, wait until it comes to that.