maybear

My husband who I haven't spoken to for over three months or so has just finished a week in detox and today he is going to rehab.
He wants to talk.
I don't really want to but I think that's because I am so angry at him and I don't want to have to deal with that.
But I can't avoid him forever and we have a child (that he hasn't shown an interest in for three months mind you). I just have so many feelings towards him - anger, disbelief, pain. I don't know what to do with all these feelings! Express them, sit on them. I am ok at dealing with them by myself but I don't know how to even talk to him at this point...
I just want to avoid him but I guess I can't and anyway, those feelings are always going to be there.

Duckygirl1

You don't want to talk to him right now. So don't. He gave you 3 months of silence while did whatever the heck he was doing. Kudos on the detox, but he has a long road ahead. When you needed to talk where was he? When you needed support in your healing where was he? Did he care even to check in on baby bear?

So now that HE's ready to talk on his time schedule you should just set aside your feelings to have a chat? Nope. I can't see that. You have a right to your anger and a right to work it out IN YOUR TIME! Besides, if you talk to him now you're probably going to be speaking mostly from emotion rather than reason. If you must communicate, perhaps write him a letter. Put it on paper, wait 24 hrs. Re read it and send it if you want. A conversation may get out of hand and A's are selfish and turn all conversations about them. Good luck!

noinsanity2423

My ex alcoholic, drug addict, verbally abusive, and promiscuous fiancé lured me into a trap every time she wanted to "talk" after I left. She used it as an excuse to blame me for leaving, insisted that I was in the wrong, we were happy, I ruined her life, and she didn't have a problem. She said things like, "I miss you," and she turned it around into a blame game. I agree with Duckygirl1. He didn't talk to you for three months while he did whatever he wanted. You have a right to be mad at what he did. You don't owe him anything. The letter is a good idea. I wrote one and had my counselor and closest friends and family read it before I sent it. It helps to have friends with majors in Writing. Talking to him in person could give him the chance to turn it his way.

redatlanta

Ok so he wants to talk. That's nice. How did you get that information? Did he call or text you?

I suppose at some point you will need to talk to him, but you don't have to talk to him now, or anytime in the future unless you want to . People think they can go on 3 month binges, and just pick up the phone and everything will be ALL ok. They think they can make demands - insist on seeing the kids, change life decisions that have been going on that they take no part in. Then there is the apology and all of that. "I'm sorry. I can't undo it. I don't want to talk about it, but I am sorry so lets move on".

He can write a letter to you and you can decide to read it or not. The A doesn't say jump and you ask how high. Not anymore.

maybear

I'm not sure when the right time will be to be honest.
I can't imagine not being angry with him.
If it were just me I would take as much time as I wanted but I feel because we have a child I can't do that. Silly, I know since he hasn't been a parent to that child for quite some time now.
I just want to do the right thing I guess.

maybear

Thanks, Red Atlanta. You are right.
He has tried to call me quite a few times tonight and left a voice message just before saying he was sorry and he misses us.
I can't bring myself to pick up the phone because I don't want to talk to him. Even though we have our daughter, I have to remember that he has been gone for months! He doesn't get to suddenly waltz back into her life now he is ready.
This is more about her. For me, I am fairly sure the marriage is over.

knowthetriggers

Maybear - if I remember correctly your little one is still very young. Stay strong with your decision. If you don't want to talk right now then don't.

Perhaps journal your anger so when you are ready to talk the you will feel as if you have already "vented" your frustration. Just my two cents, it has worked for me in the past, talking it out on paper or in my head first.

At any rate, take your time. Remember, you are in recovery as well.

maybear

Thank you Ducky and insanity xx

maybear

Thank you, knowthetriggers.
My daughter is only 1. I think, because my parents divorced when I was three I have bad memories of them fighting and using me against one another, that kind of thing.
I just don't want her to be in any way, a 'prop'. Like, me keeping him from her because I am angry at him.
I am so conscious of that not happening that I think it's clouding my judgement of what is actually best in this situation. Which is to hang on tightly to that peace that we have now and have fought so hard for and to do what I have to do to maintain and protect it.

LexieCat

I second the idea of venting here, or in a journal, to get rid of some of the worst of the anger before you do talk to him. Best case scenario, this COULD be the beginning of recovery for him. IF he decides to do the work. If that's the case, you don't want to dump a lot of venom on him right off the bat (well, of course you DO want to, but in the long run it would be nice for your child to have a sober, reliable father).

You might want to tell him (or whoever delivered the message) that you aren't ready to talk just yet. You wish him well in his recovery, but you are working on your own and you'll talk to him when you're ready to.

Hugs, your feelings are totally understandable. Let's hope something good does come out of this.

redatlanta

Just because he has gone to a detox for a minute and has stayed sober for a second doesn't give him the right to call YOU up and start negotiating the status of your relationship, and the rights of his parental visits with your child.

You do not owe that to him. Your very young daughter I doubt thinks much about him. He abandoned both of you and he needs to be accountable for his actions.

Obviously at some point you will have to navigate what his interaction will be with your child. Perhaps you could lay a boundary - 90 days sober and I will talk to you. I certainly hope he is on the road to recovery. Its going to be awhile before you will be able to tell that.

maybear

Thanks Lexie.

I don't want to dump all that venom on him, you are right. I think that's what I was afraid of doing which is why I am not picking up the phone.

I'll send him a text tomorrow and tell him I need a bit of time. Better to have a bit of time to sort my anger out than to lose it and say things I will regret.

maybear

Thanks redatlanta. That is an awesome boundary of X amount of days sober and we can talk.

Gosh, I love you guys. You have helped me sort out my feelings and feel so much more in control of this situation.

Refiner

^^^^^this^^^^^

hopeful4

Just offering up some support and a hug! I agree with Lexie, as usual LOL.

We are here, supporting you!

maybear

Thanks everyone.

I sent him a text to say that I will talk with him once he is back on his feet and has maintained his sobriety in the coming months.
I said that I too, was working to get back on my feet after him leaving so I needed some time to do that. And that I wished him well in his recovery.
Before I move interstate, I may bring our daughter to see him before we go (if he is sober) but we will see how it all goes.

I feel much better today. Thank you!

LexieCat

Sounds perfect. Good going.

Glad you are feeling better today!