Jenibean87

Since his 24 hr relapse some weeks ago, A has picked himself up and gotten back into the program and seems to be doing well again. But what has occurred to me in his sobriety is that...all of the things that I thought would change if he were only sober are not better at all. And I feel so foolish for being so sure that life would be a dream, or later for believing that the lack of progression in our relationship was my own fault (from resentments). I've been crying a lot recently, whenever this thought crosses my mind. I must look like the crazy woman when tears suddenly flood my eyes out of nowhere....

Together, we had planned a quick trip to a beloved spot for a week as we both have the time and I thought it would be good for us. Circumstantially, we were going to be departing from different cities to meet here. I showed up, and he didn't. Missed his flight playing late in a poker game, allegedly. And, all I can do is sit back and realize that something I made a priority, he decided wasn't important enough to catch the flight. The worst part is that he didn't even call. How silly do I seem? Sillier still when I mention that our first trip to this spot, 7 years ago, I was also stood up accidentally. Full circle. How's that for irony?

I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I feel let down. Yes, I know it is my mistake for having expectations, but I think expecting him to at least show up to our romantic getaway is reasonable. I'm a big girl, and I can enjoy this spot without him for a day, so it's fine, really. But it's not really fine.

Ugh... I felt so high and mighty about my own recovery in codependency when things were going well. Funny how quickly I regress when it's not smooth sailing. Foolish AND a hypocrite.

Sorry for the pity party. I just needed to say "out loud" that the person I am most disappointed in through all of this is myself.

ladyscribbler

You made a really good point. This comes up pretty often in my meetings. It's easy to work the program when things are going well, but then life happens and throws me for a loop and that's when I find myself testing the limits of my recovery.
Sorry you experienced that. I think any reasonable person would have been disappointed. I saw a quote here once, "Never make someone else a priority when all you are to them is an option."
That pretty well sums up most of my relationship history. No advice, just big hugs.

Butterfly

Hi jenibean, be gentle on yourself. I think we all have expectations when our As are in recovery or perceived recovery. It's perfectly understandable and reasonable fro you to be annoyed and feel let down that he didn't arrive and even if he does come down now will you be able to enjoy your time together?? I know I wouldn't !!

I don't think it is unreasonable to have expectations of how you want to be treated, ok with an A we shouldn't have them but is this how you want to be treated?

Enjoy the peace you have now where you are and focus on you. What do you want from this relationship? Do you think he can give you what you want?

(((((Hugs)))))

dandylion

Jeni......what a slap in the face!!! I am so sorry for y ou.

He is showing who he really is. Jeni.....are you willing to settle for this or do you want more for the rest of your l ife?????

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

Like alcoholics, we codependents suffer from denial and rationalization. In my case it's embarrassing to admit how long it took for me to get "it". When it comes to alcoholics, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Try not to beat yourself up, it's a live and learn situation.

Duckygirl1

What Dandy Lion said!
Having expectations of someone is not unreasonable. If you were his employer and he pulled this crap, do you think you'd feel bad about having expectations? If you were a judge and he needed to report to court and didn't would you feel bad? No you wouldn't! Not only would you not feel bad, he would be made to be accountable for his actions, where abouts and failure to keep you informed of his progress. Learn from this and decide if this is what you want to live with because this is who he is.

LexieCat

While expectations aren't totally unreasonable when you are dealing with a normal person, having them when you are dealing with an alcoholic who is MAYBE recovering, you really do set yourself up for a lot of upset when you do. I'd try to keep the expectations VERY low for the time being. That doesn't mean how he is acting is OK--clearly, it isn't. But for your own sake you'd be better off expecting very little in the way of responsible behavior from him. You can maintain your boundaries in terms of what you are willing to TOLERATE, but that's different from expecting responsible behavior from him.

Hugs, hope you are able to salvage some peace and relaxation for YOURSELF while you're there.

Jenibean87

Yep. I hear you guys. I do. For all his sweet words and apologies, the fact of the matter is that I am still here alone. So, as you mentioned Lexi, it's time to figure out what my boundaries are for behavior I am willing to tolerate. And to set a deadline for our relationship. I want concrete change, and asking him to solve that problem for me is useless. As demonstrated.