Need some advice about my boyfriend

Old 05-17-2015, 05:49 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 2
Need some advice about my boyfriend

Hi, new to this and would really appreciate some advice about my boyfriend.

We’ve been going out seven or eight years now, and we were only sixteen to begin with so to begin with all his ‘problem’ drinking could be chalked up to being a silly teenager – we all did silly things sometimes, myself included. However recently I’ve began to realise that he’s never grown out of it and all his incidents were worse than most. The thing that is scaring me the most is that sober he is a sweet, kind, never-hurt-a-fly type, but that drinking makes him do violent and aggressive things which he often does not remember.
Many years ago he woke up in a police cell with a fine for common assault because he’d punched someone the night before. He remembered nothing and insists to this day his drink was definitely spiked. Fine, maybe this time, but he ALWAYS has an excuse of some type. There was also an incident a long time ago at a mutual friend’s dorms where he got drunk and became angry with me for setting up a sleeping bag in the same room as another guy – it was student dorms and I had no choice unless I wanted to sleep in the kitchen – and accusing me of wanting to cheat. The night just went south and for hours he would storm out of this friend’s house, storm back in, shout vile things at me, then repeat. Really awful things, like telling me I was a ***** and I should burn in hell. In sober life neither of us have ever cheated and we are categorically not jealous people, so it seemed like a different person.

It began with mainly verbal abuse but sometimes begins to get physical. One night, camping for a festival, he came back to the tent while I was sleeping and fell asleep/passed out half lying on top of me. I couldn’t move him so I had to wake him up to tell him my leg was numb and that his elbow was hurting my stomach. His response was to tell me I was a bitch and dig his elbow in deeper until I cried, at which point he told me I was an attention-seeker and fell back asleep. The next morning he remembered nothing at all.

Similar things have been happening over the years, generally quite spaced out, but the last six months the incidents have been getting closer and closer together and much worse. One night, in a caravan holiday park, I woke up at about 4am (we’d had a few drinks and I’d gone to bed about 2, and he stayed up to finish a film) to the sound of the car driving off. As it turns out he never left the park and went to use the communal toilet, about a 30 seconds drive away, because it was raining. Legally I think that’s ok but morally that’s disgusting – it was a pitch-dark park and he was risking everyone there. After ten minutes of absolute fear and panic that he’d hurt himself or someone else (it was very rural, badly maintained roads around with a sheer drop off into the sea!) I confronted him and he was the picture of innocence, saying he was being accused of things he hadn’t done, but he was very obviously drunk. I gave in, took the keys and went to bed. In the morning I woke up to him having passed out with his foot in a plate of food without realising. He’d stayed up hours longer and kept drinking to console himself after the argument. When he woke up he was like a lost puppy trying to make things up to me and I remember just thinking his attempts to win me back made my skin crawl with shame. He has also turned up to a family occasion and somehow become worse for wear very quickly, and is always very quick to say that he’d only had a few and couldn’t understand what had happened. He always has excuses. Recently, waking up in the middle of the night after being out drinking, he smacked his head open on his bedside cabinet. When I mentioned it might have been the alcohol he was angry again and said that he’s just clumsy and he’s done similar things a million times sober. He always makes me feel like I’m being very unreasonable and maybe sometimes I do attribute things to drinking which aren’t. However he uses these times to focus in on and make the rest of my argument look invalid.

I could list so much more but they are all similar. What scares me the most I suppose is that his drunk personality is extremely quick to anger. If I ever suggest he should stop drinking he almost always flares up and tells me I’m being ridiculous.
Reading this back it looks like I’m crazy for sticking around. However when he’s sober he is absolutely wonderful. He is kind, caring, thoughtful, and a far nicer person than I am. I can’t overstate how great he is. When he drinks it really is like a different person. It’s like part of his brain has shut down and I’m talking to a different person, and this feeling is solidified when he wakes up in the morning with absolutely no clue what happened.

I would really love some opinions on this. If we’d only been seeing each other a few months I know I would be off like a shot. However after so many years, I know that sober he is a kind and wonderful person and 90% of the time I am incredibly happy with him. He also has a good full time job and it feels like I’m being silly, how could he have a problem if he keeps that up? Despite still living at home he leads quite an independent life from his family and I have no idea what they think about it. Friends see him as a party animal because they don’t see him going bad much, so I feel very alone. I really do love him but I know for a fact I can’t put up with these ‘incidents’ anymore, though I have lost count of the times I’ve said last chance. I don’t know how to help him. The other day he finally agreed to speak to a doctor or a helpline but I get the feeling he’s doing it to please me, and that deep down he’s sure he doesn’t have an issue. And in fact IS he an ‘alcoholic’ and should never drink again, or just someone who needs to mature his relationship with alcohol? Sometimes I feel over-dramatic using the words ‘abuse’ or ‘alcoholism’ because it’s a million light years away from our upbringing. He is still capable of coming to the pub and having a few and going home, he doesn’t always (or even usually) end up wasted. He does have a family history of alcoholism if that changes anything.
Sorry for the essay.
barralba is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 06:26 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Reading your post took me back to the early days with my ex. The drunken incidents, the escalating abuse (yes it is abuse), the "90% wonderful" relationship.
I stayed for a lot of the same reasons. It didn't happen all the time. All the really bad stuff could kind of be excused away because he was drunk, etc.
But all the behavior he is demonstrating is progressive. This is the BEST he will ever be without real recovery. I lived with this stuff for five years. Toward the end he was a daily drinker and all the behaviors you mentioned were happening constantly.
There's a parable here about a frog in a pot of boiling water that described my experience. If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump right back out again. If you put a front in a pot of cool water and slowly raise the temperature by a degree or two at a time, the frog will eventually boil to death. It's really good that you typed out your experiences and shared them here. Writing things down was one of the biggest steps I took that helped me realize that yes, things really were "that bad."
Something else I've read here, which was like a sucker punch at first, but then helped me tremendously- people know what they're doing DURING a blackout. They are lucid, making conscious decisions about their behavior. It's only after a period of being unconscious that they forget.
Please read around the site, keep posting, ask lots of questions. You're in the right place and we are here for you.
Real love doesn't hurt this way. You deserve better. I'm so glad you're here. It took me way to long to reach out for help. You're very brave. Welcome.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 06:38 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, brought back a few memories for me, too. With my first husband, who was already a drunk when I met him in college. Usually his anger was directed at himself, rather than other people, but it could still get scary, and he, too, got a lot of injuries when he was drunk.

After college, it got unbearable for me finally, and we took a break from the relationship. He got sober, and has now been sober for 35 years. If he hadn't quit drinking, I doubt he would have made it to the age of 30.

All I can say is that this WILL get worse over time. It may be hard to imagine, but that "nice guy" you see part of the time will eventually disappear altogether.

I suggest you get going to Al-Anon. It can help you get your head clear so you can make good choices for yourself. Sadly, unless your boyfriend decides he's had enough, you don't have a rosy future with him.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 07:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
sg1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Originally Posted by barralba View Post
Sometimes I feel over-dramatic using the words ‘abuse’ or ‘alcoholism’ because it’s a million light years away from our upbringing.
Don't feel over dramatic. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate.

Your post about him reminds me very much of myself 25 years ago. I can't say whether he is an alkie or not. What I can say is that now that I look back I think I was an alcoholic from the start in High School. It helped me escape from myself who I really didn't like much. People may not have seen that but it was there. I made bad decisions like you describe but none too major. I also wouldn't get blind drunk every time or drink every day. But the alcoholism was there. It progressed to the point where at 44 I was drinking purposefully to blackout every day and alcohol was my number one priority. It probably wouldn't be far fetched to say it was my number one priority from about 20 years old on. During that time I got married and had two kids with my college sweetheart. She never stood a chance though of meaning as much to me as alcohol. Now we are trying to sort through the wreckage. The last ten years of our marriage has been agony for both of us and it probably won't survive. We are both sick and have done things to the other that neither one deserves. Two kids have witnessed this dysfunction.

I say all of this to come back full circle to the fact that I can't diagnose him as an alkie but it doesn't sound good. And remember, you can't save the alkie. It took me 25 years to hit bottom. The main point I wanted to make though is that IF he is an alkie he can't have a real loving relationship with you as long as he is not in recovery (as opposed to just sobriety) for himself. I would ask that you think very hard about the paragraph above and ask yourself if my story sounds like a future you want.

Best wishes.
sg1970 is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 07:43 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Welcome dear one. I'm sorry you are going through this. You're going to get loads of good advice from well traveled people here. Listen to them. Terms like abuse and Alcholism may be a million light years from what you were raised with. But an active abusive alcoholic is a million light years from normal. You are not being over dramatic. If anything you are downplaying the seriousness of the danger you are in. He is very much stuck back in his younger years. The maturation in addicts can be severely stunted. You are dealing with a dangerous child.

You met when you were 16. So there was 16 years of life never having known this man. There may be another 80 to go. You're young don't waste another minute. Run like all hell is chasing you! It may take a long time to straighten yourself out, but the longer you stay with him, the longer it will take and the sicker you will become. You aren't married and have no kids with him. This is a blessing. The Jekyll and Hyde routine will only get worse. Take all that you are experiencing now and drag it out another decade. Is that what you want your life to look like? You'd suffer all the pain , waste a life waiting for an apology from someone who can't even remember what they did.

I know this is not where your heart is now, you don't have to stop loving him. You just have to love him from a distance.
Duckygirl1 is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 08:32 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Hi, Barralba, and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you had the need to come to a site like this but glad you found us. This is a great source of both education and support, and I hope you get a generous dose of each while you're here.

The first thing you might want to do here is read around on the forum as much as you can. I think you'll be surprised at how similar so many of the stories are. This is important, as it will help you understand that A) you are NOT alone, and B) your A is not unique; alcoholism looks a lot the same on different people. This is helpful in starting to detach emotionally and take a hard look at what the relationship is really like, not what you wish it was or hope it could be.

While reading, don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom there. This thread is a sample of what you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Others have already mentioned Alanon for your own face-to-face support, and I'd recommend that too. SR and Alanon together have done a lot for me--my life is much more peaceful and happy as a result.

Again, as others have said, your A is the only one who can decide when/if he gets sober. You have no power over that. The only person you DO have power over is yourself. You're probably feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and that's understandable. You don't have to make any "forever" decisions right this minute (other than to make sure you're safe from his abuse--somewhere else for you to stay if he's been drinking or other safety measures?). Just read, post, learn and take care of yourself.

Everyone here has been in your shoes and gets it. Keep coming back.

I wish you strength and clarity.
honeypig is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 10:48 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
velma929's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,540
You might try this thread to get an idea of what's ahead.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-everyone.html
velma929 is offline  
Old 05-17-2015, 12:53 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I guess keep coming and reading on here and go to some Alanon meetings for yourself.
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 05-18-2015, 12:13 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Hey barralba, thank you for sharing your story. It amazes me to see how many stories are similar to mine. I was in a relationship with my ex fiancé for two years, and she also seemed to be a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when it came to alcohol. Her incidents were also few and far between at first, and they only caused minor embarassment to me, again, at first. She didn't turn into Mr. Hyde every time, either. I also felt that our relationship was 90% happy, and she was a great person when sober. The thing is, alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. After we got engaged, her drinking habits worsened to the point where she practically destroyed our relationship with her drunken behavior and infidelity while drunk, and she put my life in danger. She became even more verbally abusive in general and when I tried to talk to her about her habits. She also started using drugs more frequently. She never listened to me. I chose to leave and wrote her a letter explaining why I left. Now, it's up to her to change if she wants to.

Your story really helped me put my own in perspective. I would definitely encourage you to read the other stories that you find here, as that has helped me a lot. I've been going to 12-step meetings and counseling. I've also been reading two books: "Codependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie. They have been most helpful.

Again, thank you for having the courage to share your story. Admitting there is a problem is the first step on the road to getting better.
noinsanity2423 is offline  
Old 05-18-2015, 12:34 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you everybody, it's been really helpful to read similar stories and see that I'm not just over-reacting and being silly, especially since I don't really have anyone else to talk about it to. In fact we were planning on moving in together soon and I was confused as to why I felt half happy, half scared - realising that this is as good as it's getting without some help has made me think it's best to postpone it until he's getting some help. He has agreed to go to a meeting and I suppose we'll see if that was to make me drop it or if he really wants it. I've looked up Al-Anon - unfortunately I live in an area with a lot of alcohol problems which means there about twenty places within half an hour of my house... Again, thank you, this has been very enlightening.
barralba is offline  
Old 05-18-2015, 01:04 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Good choice. I wish you the best, and I hope that your boyfriend chooses to get better.
noinsanity2423 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:53 AM.