Duckygirl1

I'm happy, but now the lonely is setting in. I told myself that I wouldn't date for a year after this horrible learning experience so that it would never happen again. And I'm going to stick to that. That gives me a eta of September. Not that there's a rush.

My job makes it almost impossible to have a social life. People in the restaurant industry tend to date other people in the industry. That's how I ended up with Ducky boy. Both had Monday's off. Worked 4-1am. Ate dinner together at 2 am still completely awake and wired from work. Worked holidays. He understood "the life". It's a weird high stress world which accounts for the off the charts addiction rates. Even if I do meet a nice guy, it's this madness of the schedule that kills it. There are blogs for chef wives like Al a non.

I was feeling down about this and started getting resentful that he has this new built in social sytem that goes out of its way to keep them entertained, have parties, gives him a new job skill and had time to find a new romance with little weekends at moms house. Free therapy and daily meetings, no rent or even laundry. Must be nice to have a network of agencies give you every opportunity to succeed. Mother ducker always liked to say "you're the strong one". Well, I get tired of being strong.

I'm not jealous of him. I wouldn't trade one second of my so called life to live in a rehab. I'm Just tired and venting. I still plan to join some day time social groups and have been exploring career options that might give me more free time.

What was the best thing that you ever did to rebuild?

healthyagain

I can only tell you my plan. Tomorrow is the day, god willing, when I will get the keys. The real keys of my apartment and the keys of my freedom. The first evening, I am going to a restaurant and have my favorite meal. Then the next morning, I will sleep in. Resentfulness might get you big time when you are lonely. Your mind and your thoughts are sometimes your greatest enemy. So being busy is good. Just like you, I have no plan to date anyone for at least a year. At times, I want to curse him for taking my years, but I am grateful I found out about codependency.

Then, in the next following days, I'll work on my business. Because of the chaos, I became sloppy. And I literary cannot afford that.

When resentfulness gets me, I'll go out. Find someone to talk to. And definitely join a support group. It turned out that in addition to alcoholism I was dealing with an abusive and possibly mentally ill person.

And things will change for me, step by step.

Butterfly

Hey Ducky, I get it I feel the same ex a walked away from all responsibilities, he gets to do what he wants, no need to worry about the kids, school, health anything he thinks of himself first and foremost. His mum panders to him and I don't think any of his family have said a word to him about how he's treated me and the kids, he parties with all his old friends, goes to the gym you know to keep him busy!! Do I feel resentful yes and angry. When I start to feel this way I'm beginning to recognise that my thinking is going to revert back to him and why how etc.

Over the last week and at other times I can recognise I wouldn't want his life yes I get pissed off with all the responsibility but I wouldn't walk away I love my kids and I love the peace, no more anxiety about is he going to drink this weekend, will he sneak out, keep drinking the next day, no more anxiety waiting for the bomb to drop during his periods of "sobriety"., his moods, his controlling behaviour, manipulation, None of it. If he wants to live his life surrounded by people who's only interest is in him when he's drinking and party guy he's welcome to it.

What I have realised in the last day or so is I can do what I want when I want!!!

Resentment can eat us up and keeps the focus on the A and off us. What do you like to do Ducky.??

Thumper

You know what I do when I start thinking like this - I remind myself that I could do that if I wanted to. I don't want to. I can't imagine a more lonely and soul crushing fate actually. The fact is though I could quit my job, drop my kids off on his door step, and drive away. I absolutely could do that. There isn't a thing stopping me and I'm pretty sure I could sell some stuff, mooch off some family and friends and skate by for a couple three years. Easy street? Sounds like the saddest thing ever when I play that tape all the way through.

Duckygirl1

You are all so right. I was stressed at work and seeing all of the couples out for a nice dinner and thought how I never even seem to dress up anymore. ButterF, I'm still trying to figure out what I like to do. Or at least I'm remembering. I just need to practice more gratitude on days like that. I could use a nice vacation for sure!

Thumper

And I'm sorry for going on a tangent. I know you are venting and tired and all your feelings are completely normal. I have a lot of rebuilding left to do but in the very beginning I didn't know what I wanted of liked or what to do so I did some of the things I used to enjoy - even though I wasn't really feeling it. It takes time to heal. In general I'm kind of a 'if it is fun or feels good it can't be that bad' kind of person but I would definitely take care not to involve yourself in circumstances that could lead to any personal distress. Maybe pursue goals like fitness, or meditation, gardening, religious education, whatever your thing is.

Butterfly

Right there with you Ducky, it takes time and practice our lives have revolved around addiction for so long it's hard to switch off. You will get their. (((Hugs)))