Liveitwell

Years of alcoholism then: I'd be sittung here alone on Saturday afternoon doing the same things bc my husband would have popped his first beer around noon and working on things outside (drinking), not wanting to actively participate in his family, and would soon go to the store to get food for dinner (get more beer) and then he would cook a lovely meal and go outside for the rest of the night-while I took care of the kids and had stomach pains from anxiety about hoping he would be happy drunk and not mean drunk or if I was going to wake up to him passed out on me (happened multiple times), trying to have relations while I was sleeping, or yelling and screaming names bc he was mad at something or me being terrified many nights but too scared to call the police. If he left later in the night I was worried about him driving. Never knew if I was going to get told "I love you" or "you're a psycho bitch" or my personal favorite "I wish you were loving like my mom"......ewwwww. I could go on and on for hours about then.....

Now? One word....peace. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

You know, I understand Gods will is a life long marriage-but love is truthful and doesn't tolerate abuse-something our marriage couldn't withstand. I had it out with God months ago and the answer I got was this-I tried for years to make my marriage work, sometimes at the expense of our kids emotional and physical safety, but my ex husbands continuing disobedience to Gods word broke everything. God led me to this and so I am divorced for Gods glory. Peace...peace...peace.

Refiner

Congratulations on your peace and may many learn from your long, rough road that there IS a better, brighter road ahead if you truly want to follow it! Sometimes all it takes is the guts to make that u-turn.

honeypig

Forourgirls, I've read it here many times that "marriage is not a mutual suicide pact" and that one person alone can't make a marriage work. I think both those things are absolutely true. I'm glad you've come to terms w/things and you've found peace for you and your family. There was nothing more or better you could have done.

Enjoy that peace. Relax into it. You deserve it.

SeriousKarma

God's will is for a life long healthy marriage. Not one that destroys us. He loves us too much for that.

"Divorced for God's glory"

I love it!

maia1234

Forourgirls- Good for you!! You sound so healthy and strong. You so deserve to be happy. Maybe one day he will grow up, sober up and work a program. But not your problem.

Bless you FOG- I am sure you have worked very hard for the Peace, enjoy it!!

maybear

Thanks for posting this. I don't really believe in God per se so have no issues with 'him' but when you described how your life used to be like I could relate so much to my own husband's behaviour as a result of his drinking. And it reminds me that I am not crazy to have left. He really did have one foot in, one foot out maintaining his addiction first and foremost. Thank you!

Liveitwell

^^ yes. Over the years I watched as drinking went from a side game to the main show....and as I went from happy go lucky loving wife to not so much...I don't know how many thousands of times I was lied to and called names bc I asked him to STOP. The person I divorced is not the man I married. Both of us were getting crushed by the toxicity-but I owned up to me and all my dysfunction and sins, of which there were plenty, and did truly love him. Still do. I know he loved me. Love was not the issue-the addiction took over everything and killed everything good in our marriage and created a very scary, undependable person-not all the time but enough. More than enough. You know I was watching Fireproof the other night-acting is not that great but the movies message is awesome....in the movie it talks about, like we all know, that untreated addictions are cancers to a marriage abd family-slowly killing it. Agreed. I am not attached to my family anymore-no dysfunction for me. I've worked through my issues and got to a really good healthy place. I so prayed and hoped everyday he would join me. But that did not happen. It was never ging to happen while he was not in true recovery. Then vs now...180 degrees difference.

Liveitwell

SeriousKarma-what you said got me thinking. Our marriage was destroying both of us. He wanted to do what he wanted to do with no regard to how it affected us. Over the years I grew more and more angry-and depressed-so let down by this "man" that God had chosen for my husband. I did my fair share of verbal abuse and lashing out at him...and in that moment of clarity when God finally broke through to me I saw me continuing the dysfunction I grew up in. I reached out , took his hand, trusted beyond anything I knew, and followed where He led me. For me that was stopping drinking altogether so I could dig in and figure myself out...I can finally say that I'm at peace with me and I don't live in fear of being in an alcoholic marriage because I got out.

searching peace

Wow! You are such an inspiration!! So happy for you and your children. Please keep posting! I look forward to hearing about all of your new adventures and success as you go forward in your new peaceful and happy life. You are off to an amazing start! Keep up the great work.

honeypig

Forourgirls, there is a ton of growth, strength and wisdom showing in your posts here. I'm struck by this portion of a post, and especially by the bolded part. I think probably a lot of us here can relate--if we look at things w/honesty, the person we are married to now truly ISN'T the same one we said our vows to--or at the very least, we had so little knowledge about alcoholism that we were unable to realistically recognize who our spouse really was back then.

But we've learned and are still learning! Again, kudos to you, and thank you for taking the time and effort to share. It inspires me, and I'm sure it does the same for others too.

CodeJob

This is an important post to share. Thank you Forourgirls!

When I worked on my Step 4, I was surprised to find some resentments towards the God I was raised with. He did not shepherd or protect me at a few key points in my life. I had to really do some adult thinking about how my personal faith and life experiences did not match well with the faith I was raised in. It was very good for me to spend the time wrestling with those issues and put them to rest as it bled into how I perceived daily life too.