Kkgrace

My husband who is an active alcoholic and not in recovery went to a friends house for a few hours. I had "hopes" he wouldn't drink which was my first mistake. He comes home later and tells me he smoked pot and had a few beers. The pot thing is a new thing for him and he has so much to lose should he get randomly drug tested or pulled over in a company car. Anyway, I understand this is a progression of the disease. Also, a friend of mine from Al anon told me if we have expectations of an active alcoholic we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. That's so true so I need to work on not having expectations. I am attending Al Anon as well as AA meetings (sober for 8 years and grateful). I am so glad I had people I could call last night when I was freaking out in my head. We have 2 kids as well which complicates the situation. I had to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

CarmenLove

Hello Kkgrace (nice name).

Thank you for sharing.

Kkgrace

Thanks Carmenlove.

If anyone has similar experiences or can offer ideas on coping and detachment as well as boundaries I always appreciate that too.
Thx

NYCDoglvr

I'm also sober and codependent. It was a huge benefit when my sponsor suggested giving up expectations, made a big difference in my peace of mind. It's an ongoing process to keep remembering to let expectations go, but so worth the effort. You sound like you're working your programs seriously. Keep posting!

Another tool that helped was asking God to lift anger and resentment. Step 10 helped me to stop and ask "what's MY part in this?" whenever I felt resentment.

Rosalba

Hi Kkgrace!

I've found my life became much easier when I realised that all you can reasonably expect of another person is that they will behave like themselves. In the case of an active alcoholic, you can confidently expect them to drink and behave in their usual fashion when drunk, and that the addiction is stronger than any fear of the consequences. I've also found that it helps to alleviate resentment and disappointment - they are just expressing who they are right now, and it's now my decision as to how I engage with that - or not. For example, my alcoholic brother - who lives with my mother - starts drinking at about 6.00pm; if I'm visiting I will leave at around that time without making a big deal of it.

Boundaries are there for ourselves; they relate to what behaviour we will and will not tolerate. Unfortunately, they have no effect on the behaviour of others - a common misconception amongst codependents - so telling your husband his behaviour is unacceptable will make no difference at all. Letting him get on with it, letting his problems be HIS problems without trying to alleviate them, getting angry with him or reacting in any other way will greatly improve your OWN state of mind, though.

Congratulations on your years of sobriety, especially on maintaining it under these circumstances. I always regard recovering alcoholics as a miracle!

You are so right to use the program and any other resources (like SR) to support you in your recovery, stop you freaking out and reassure you. There are plenty of us out here who understand what you're going through and will help you keep your sanity.

(((HUGS)))

Kkgrace

Thanks for the insightful words Rosalba. I am always amazed and grateful for the support one gets when reaching out. Were you in a similar situation?

Rosalba

I have no children, so was always able to remove myself from damaging situations relatively easily. My heart goes out to those of you who see your beloved kids exposed to this sort of rubbish, though.

As regards hoping that people with no empathy or regard for others would behave differently, though... many, many times over. When I stood back, I was able to make far more realistic assessments about where people were at, and what could reasonably be expected of them - rather than assuming they'd react in the same way that I would, and then feel disappointed when they didn't. Duh...

searching peace

Boundaries are there for ourselves; they relate to what behaviour we will and will not tolerate. Unfortunately, they have no effect on the behaviour of others - a common misconception amongst codependents - so telling your husband his behaviour is unacceptable will make no difference at all. Letting him get on with it, letting his problems be HIS problems without trying to alleviate them, getting angry with him or reacting in any other way will greatly improve your OWN state of mind, though.

Wow! That is great! I have never heard anyone explain boundaries better! Thank you!!!! I will constantly be telling myself this until it sinks in.