Anxious attachment

Old 05-15-2015, 12:40 PM
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Anxious attachment

I have been doing a lot of reading recently and I came across a description for anxious attachment and it describes me perfectly. Apparently children who have this form of attachment grow up to have a preoccupied attachment Insecure, self critical , seeking constant reassurance but not feeling better from it, fear of loved one leaving or not loving you, deep seated feelings of rejection causing worry and mistrust, causing them to act clingy and overly dependent on their partner and emotionally desperate in relationships. Possessing positive views of their partners, relying heavily on their partners for their self worth. Feeling they need to dramatically express their anxiety and anger to ensure the other person responds but feel fear that if they express their anger they will be rejected. If anger is expressed it is followed by pleas of apologies and support.!!

This describes me but what I don't know is whether it's an attachment issue or being with/married to an A for 18 yrs??

Yes I think I did have an insecure attachment with my mum she was responsive, blamed me for a lot, ignored me and left many times, yes I felt rejected but what I do remember is that I may have always had anxiety issues but I could be confident. Before meeting ex a I lived on my own with my daughter went to college and had a social life.

I know that when I met him and he behaved the way he did I began to feel bad about myself, not worthy all the usual thoughts and feelings I've shared here many times. My self worth grew worse until it was non existent and my behaviour became worse, manipulaltion, anger, tears, fears of being rejected, being rejected time and time again yet I kept begging him to come home, because to me he would make everything ok, my self worth was tied up in him.

That is my responsibility, how I responded to him to his drinking I'm not proud of but my behaviour, what I've said here many times is my responsibility.

It wasn't my fault he drank , treated me so badly and hurt me, his behaviour is his responsibility and what he will have to live with, but I have to live with I let him treat me the way he did, that is my responsibility.

I don't know what all this means, all these thoughts keep popping into my head and I am trying to focus on me and not him, not always successfully mind you but when I'm feeling overwhelmed with hurt and sadness I need to remind myself that it's ok if I take baby steps again.
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:48 PM
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I'm going to look that one up for sure! I've never heard of it, but I can definitely relate
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:52 PM
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I'm reading more and more into attachment and how my childhood has impacted on me as a a cult and the relationships I chose
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:58 PM
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I think this is wonderful that you found something that resonates with you. But, you are overanalyzing again. Try instead to simply say yes I have this. Now how to work on fixing it. Knowing the why of something only has a limited value.

You really can get better if you want to.
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Old 05-15-2015, 01:33 PM
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Yeah I relate to this as well -thanks for the information!
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Old 05-15-2015, 02:12 PM
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Your welcome firebolt
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Old 05-15-2015, 02:13 PM
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Happy, I'm reading up on that aswell especially how to manage my dysfunctional behaviours. I think for me living with an A certainly manifested my behaviours but my underlying issue was always there, being with him just brought it front and centre
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Old 05-15-2015, 04:13 PM
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You are probably right. Have you ever looked into the adult children forum? It isn't just having an alcoholic parent. It's also for those who grew up in a dysfunctional home. You might find you can relate
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Old 05-15-2015, 04:55 PM
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Agree with happy above. Unfortunately there isn't a specific forum here for people who come from dysfunctional families for some reason.

It is a shame that there isn't a subforum for those of us who come from dysfunctional backgrounds that weren't fueled by alcohol and drugs.

I know people do, but I just don't feel comfortable posting in the ACF. Going to go out on a limb here as I'm the only bloke in the thread so far:

Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
I have been doing a lot of reading recently and I came across a description for anxious attachment and it describes me perfectly. Apparently children who have this form of attachment grow up to have a preoccupied attachment Insecure, self critical , seeking constant reassurance but not feeling better from it, fear of loved one leaving or not loving you, deep seated feelings of rejection causing worry and mistrust, causing them to act clingy and overly dependent on their partner and emotionally desperate in relationships. Possessing positive views of their partners, relying heavily on their partners for their self worth. Feeling they need to dramatically express their anxiety and anger to ensure the other person responds but feel fear that if they express their anger they will be rejected. If anger is expressed it is followed by pleas of apologies and support.!!
Wow. I can relate to every word of this. Ashamadely that was me at one point, when I was going through a lengthy breakup. Word for word of it actually . Anxious attachment, never heard of it mind.

Most of the individual components I can also relate to and were there at prior stages in my life. Certifiably single now thankfully, but I too have always been anxious for as long as I can remember also.
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Old 05-15-2015, 05:23 PM
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This is me too! Every word! And hopefully now that I know I have these issues, I can recover from them and work to be healthy. Thank you for sharing this!!!
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Old 05-16-2015, 02:00 AM
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Never thought of reading the adult children forum, as I thought it was just for adult children of alcoholics.

Start an I agree a forum for those who came from dysfunctional families would be useful, we could learn so much from each other. I'm not proud of how I behaved either and feel so much shame for my behaviour, but we can't change the past only learn from it.

For me my mums unavailability due to depression created my insecurities as a child but then I chose to stay with someone who was also unavailable and was never able to meet my needs. I think this is also where the codie behaviour overlaps as I thought I could fix him as he loved me and certainly some of the traits mentioned above tie in with codie behaviour and certainly during my childhood I was an anxious child and I can remember certain behaviours, constantly washing my hands, obsessing I had caught an infection and as a young child writing my mum notes about how much I loved her and I was sorry for whatever I had done and confessing to every little thing I had done wrong and worrying about it until I confessed but as an adolescent I don't remember being anxious but I ran away a lot and did many things I'm not proud of. I know now this was for attention and as a child even negative attention is better than nothing.

Some of these behaviours came back after I met ex A, I remember after we had separated the first time for a long time, I dated other people but when we got back together I confessed to every little thing I did wrong even at times confessed to things I didn't do but if I thought oh did I do that then I believed I did and obsessed constantly about it until I told him I did do it. Even if I had been out for the night and I spoke to another bloke I would somehow turn it into something more and confess. And I certainly didn't want to cause arguments in case he left and always apologise after even when I knew it wasn't my fault. My thinking was so twisted that I believed him when he said he wasn't doing anything wrong and I was overreacting. I think now this was manipulation he used my anxiety so I would feel it was all my fault!!!! Is it any wonder I still go through periods of thinking I was to blame for him leaving.

My behaviour wasn't and isn't something I'm proud of but now I've had some time to focus on myself I'm hoping that I can recover from these behaviours and my previous traumas so I can feel healthy again. There's a lot of work ahead and a lot of hard work so for me it will be baby steps for awhile.
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Old 05-16-2015, 02:36 AM
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Hi Butterfly,
I think you are doing so well to be reflecting so much and developing so much insight. I don't think you need to punish yourself for your past or what you think you have done wrong. Everyone has their own individual set of issues. You are enough (more than enough) as you are. Now that you have made these discoveries, don't fall into the trap of trying to use them make sense of his behaviour or take all the blame. Or live in the past trying to rewrite it.

The theory you are referring to (and for anyone who is interested) is attachment theory. There were studies done in the 60s by developmental psycs which highlighted four different types of attachment in children; secure, anxious/avoidant, anxious/ambivalent and disorganised. There is so much emphasis now on attachment parenting so that children feel secure because there has been shown to be a direct link between these patterns in childhood and future adult relationships.
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Old 05-16-2015, 03:09 AM
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Thanks maybear. I'm trying to move on from blaming myself for everything. Il take responsibility for my responses to his behaviour but his behaviour and how he treated me is all his. I'm trying to reset my thinking in that I'm not to blame for him leaving or his treatment of me he left as he wanted to drink and he didn't like that I couldn't accept it and let him do what he wanted. I'm fine with that because his behaviour wasn't acceptable and I couldn't have continued to live that way. I gave him a choice, seek help with his drinking he chose not to, he chose to drink and walk out on his family, that's up to him. So in a way he did leave because of me as I wouldn't accept his behaviour anymore.

I have to learn to understand my attachment difficulties and how to not allow them to influence my future. And reactions to situations.
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Old 05-16-2015, 03:34 AM
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You absolutely belong in the adult children forum. Read some of the stickies over there. The real name for the program is Adult Children of Alcoholics and family dysfunctions. But that is long and cumbersome so they just use the first bit.

I understand your struggles. My dad is an alcoholic but it is my mother's mental illness that really screwed me up
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Old 05-16-2015, 03:48 AM
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It's hard to believe isn't it, the actions of others and with what they stand to lose, how they still make the decisions that they do. That in itself is a huge thing to get ones head around. I know I struggle with it and go back and forth and round in circles trying to make sense of it all. Grief and loss are so hard.

You have well and truly taken all the responsibility you need to, you have done so much valuable reflection and now that you are aware of your past and how it impacts you, you will be in a much better position going forward to build a better relationship with yourself and others. You can definitely forgive yourself now and let it go.
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Old 05-16-2015, 04:14 AM
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Yes--maybear really sums it up well.
I think you have gone as far down the "my part in this" road as is truly productive Butterfly.

You know what's behind, so put as much energy in dreaming up what's ahead.
I think coffee with an old friend would be an excellent start--
What do you think?
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Old 05-16-2015, 09:37 AM
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Yes maybear I understand I still struggle at times but I have to keep saying to myself that's his monkey not mine.

Hawkeye, yes your right I have to stop blaming myself for everything and being so self critical. I need to learn that when I'm being critical of myself to figure out who's voice is in my head, my mums or ex A.

Coffe with a friend does sound good.
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Old 05-16-2015, 12:43 PM
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I also saw that my childhood resulted in both alcoholism and codependent behavior, picking dysfunctional people who are incapable of relationships. For me the realization didn't make a difference (hey, I can't change the past). Working the Steps is what led to real change and it's the most important work I've ever done. The worst thing for me was staying stuck and wallowing in self-pity.
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Old 05-16-2015, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
Never thought of reading the adult children forum, as I thought it was just for adult children of alcoholics.

Start an I agree a forum for those who came from dysfunctional families would be useful, we could learn so much from each other. I'm not proud of how I behaved either and feel so much shame for my behaviour, but we can't change the past only learn from it.

My behaviour wasn't and isn't something I'm proud of but now I've had some time to focus on myself I'm hoping that I can recover from these behaviours and my previous traumas so I can feel healthy again. There's a lot of work ahead and a lot of hard work so for me it will be baby steps for awhile.

x2 until happy mentioned it to me, athough I still haven't posted anything in there yet. But I think we both qualify. Agree with you there is a lot to learn from others here, not proud either but thats all we can do.

I was also drink dependent during that but was living alone, so the anger part wasn't affecting anyone but myself and used to manifest itself in the occasional text messages or phone calls (and also that bit after, ugh)

A girl whose company I used to enjoy when I was still drinking mentioned the word codie to me. I had no internet at the time so I just took it as 'co-operative' and argued the case for that. I have read about it since though.
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Old 05-16-2015, 03:01 PM
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Think we should check out the other forum stratman
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