I'm new to this, but I need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
I'm new to this, but I need advice
My husband has been getiing as he calls it a "Killer Buzz" almost every night now for months. I beg and beg him not to drink, but that doesnt stop him. When he gets to the "Killer Buzz" he gets mouthy and arrogant. He starts telling me that I dont want him to drink because I want to control him and that I need to stop b****ing at him so much. When he is not drinking he is the greatest guy in the world, but when he starts he turns into a monster. I am the type of person that If you cut me down you better be ready because Im coming back at ya. He sometimes throws things so I throw back and when he grabs me I grab back. I know that I shouldnt but I refuse to let any man get the best of me. And also when he drinks he starts telling me that he is tired of being with me. But when hes sober he tells me that he dont want to lose me, but he wont stop drinking to prevent this. I took away his credit card to "save money" but it was mostly to stop him from buying alcohol. It worked for one day and then last night he came home drunk and said that he and his boss and another supervisore had a few drinks. We fought for an hour after he got home, then he went into the sick stage and then passed out. Too me that was more that a few drinks. I am so confused. We dont live near our families so I dont know where to turn. Can anyone help me!!!
Greeneyes
Greeneyes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
I'm not sure that I can help much but one of the boundaries that I have set with my mom is that when she's been drinking I won't even talk to her. What's the point? She won't remember it anyway.....
Anyway I think that you've come to the right place to find what you need to cope with this disease. I'm sure some more experienced members will be along shortly to give you some more support. ((((greeneyes)))
Anyway I think that you've come to the right place to find what you need to cope with this disease. I'm sure some more experienced members will be along shortly to give you some more support. ((((greeneyes)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
greeneyes - begging, pleading, yelling....none of that will ever work. you needs to read thru some of the posts on these boards and you will come to realize that none of those tactics will ever help and will make matters worse.
look into getting to an al-anon meeting. i'm sure some of the more experienced folks here will respond to your questions and provide some info. it's beginning to help me but i am fairly new.
hang in there - we all can identify with your problems - keep reading and posting.
hugs - cwohio
look into getting to an al-anon meeting. i'm sure some of the more experienced folks here will respond to your questions and provide some info. it's beginning to help me but i am fairly new.
hang in there - we all can identify with your problems - keep reading and posting.
hugs - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
I think many of us started our recovery at the point where you are at now. I tried fighting back by crying, yelling, threatening and finally learned through reading and Al-anon (and the fact that I was getting nowhere) that I truly am powerless when it comes to alcohol and my husband. That serenity prayer - sometimes I have it say it 200 times a day!
Once I gave up the battle, things got better. First, I chose not to interact with my AH if he had been drinking. Left the room, left the house, whatever it took to have distance. And now that I'm feeling stronger, I have told him that I don't intend to stay in a relationship with a man whose first love is a bottle. Interestingly enough, once I told him that and backed off, he has taken responsibility for his own recovery and has remained sober. He knows I am serious and I try very hard to stay consistent in my words and actions. He also knows I love him and want our marriage to last but it is totally up to him.
While I am not always able to go to an Al-anon meeting, I can always log onto SR. I hope you will too.
Live Strong!
Once I gave up the battle, things got better. First, I chose not to interact with my AH if he had been drinking. Left the room, left the house, whatever it took to have distance. And now that I'm feeling stronger, I have told him that I don't intend to stay in a relationship with a man whose first love is a bottle. Interestingly enough, once I told him that and backed off, he has taken responsibility for his own recovery and has remained sober. He knows I am serious and I try very hard to stay consistent in my words and actions. He also knows I love him and want our marriage to last but it is totally up to him.
While I am not always able to go to an Al-anon meeting, I can always log onto SR. I hope you will too.
Live Strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
Thanks for helping me. I hate it for everyone going through with what Im going with but it feels better to know that Im not alone in this that people out there understand and feel the same way that I do that I can talk to. Its really something that people who have never met me before care enough to lend a shoulder to me. Thank you so much.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey greeneyes,
Welcome to SR. It is really lonely when our loved ones get trashed. I felt like I was carrying all the burden of our relationship on my shoulders. I blamed him, I blamed myself, and I saw no solution. Then I tried Al-Anon. They told me that it wasn't my fault, and there was no solution in blaming him. They told me that I could learn to find peace within myself and strength through people who understood and had found peace themselves. If you haven't tried an Al-Anon meeting, I highly recomend it. It has helped me so much. Glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. It is really lonely when our loved ones get trashed. I felt like I was carrying all the burden of our relationship on my shoulders. I blamed him, I blamed myself, and I saw no solution. Then I tried Al-Anon. They told me that it wasn't my fault, and there was no solution in blaming him. They told me that I could learn to find peace within myself and strength through people who understood and had found peace themselves. If you haven't tried an Al-Anon meeting, I highly recomend it. It has helped me so much. Glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 3
Greeneyes,
Magic and giving up are right on. I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last five months. The very sight of alcohol was enough to make my blood boil. My AH's drinking and my shame had taken control of my life. I begged, I screamed, I pleaded, I searched out hidden alcohol, I canceled credit cards, I slept with my wallet under our mattress, I covered for my AH's mistakes, I worked sixty hours a week and then came home and dealt with his crap. But, finally, when I developed a nervous tic in my left eye, I woke up. NONE of my responses were doing anything to solve the problem and I was going nuts. I began to mentally visualize my past behaviors and see the outcome. I remembered thing I learned in Alanon and I refused to live in that insanity. I mentally and sometimes physically removed myself from the situation. When my husband would just be drinking beer or passing out, I had free run of the house and began to get back into my own hobbies and interests. When that was not an option, I physically removed myself from the situation by going to restaurants, movies, bookstores etc. I was also lucky to have one place I could go to spend the night if I had to.
It really brought me some peace and took all the control out of my husband's hands. I finally had my head together and decided my husband had to go to rehab or I had to leave.My husband is in rehab and I pray it will work for him, but if it does not, I know I am Okay. Since he has been in, I have gotten some therapy through his rehab center and learned that it is okay for me to set boundaries. They use a twelve step approach where my husband is and have meetings similar to alanon for family members. I am going back to Alanon as soon as his treatment is through. I would go back now, but I am doing three family meetings a week where my husband is and working.
You are not alone. I have found a lot of comfort on these boards and I am glad you are here. I hope you try alanon. I think it will help alot.
Magic and giving up are right on. I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last five months. The very sight of alcohol was enough to make my blood boil. My AH's drinking and my shame had taken control of my life. I begged, I screamed, I pleaded, I searched out hidden alcohol, I canceled credit cards, I slept with my wallet under our mattress, I covered for my AH's mistakes, I worked sixty hours a week and then came home and dealt with his crap. But, finally, when I developed a nervous tic in my left eye, I woke up. NONE of my responses were doing anything to solve the problem and I was going nuts. I began to mentally visualize my past behaviors and see the outcome. I remembered thing I learned in Alanon and I refused to live in that insanity. I mentally and sometimes physically removed myself from the situation. When my husband would just be drinking beer or passing out, I had free run of the house and began to get back into my own hobbies and interests. When that was not an option, I physically removed myself from the situation by going to restaurants, movies, bookstores etc. I was also lucky to have one place I could go to spend the night if I had to.
It really brought me some peace and took all the control out of my husband's hands. I finally had my head together and decided my husband had to go to rehab or I had to leave.My husband is in rehab and I pray it will work for him, but if it does not, I know I am Okay. Since he has been in, I have gotten some therapy through his rehab center and learned that it is okay for me to set boundaries. They use a twelve step approach where my husband is and have meetings similar to alanon for family members. I am going back to Alanon as soon as his treatment is through. I would go back now, but I am doing three family meetings a week where my husband is and working.
You are not alone. I have found a lot of comfort on these boards and I am glad you are here. I hope you try alanon. I think it will help alot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
My AH husband had went for almost a week with very little to drink. I could only tell that he had a few by kissing him. I was so proud of him and I told him often to let him that I noticed it, but last night that changed. He and one of his co-workers (they work out in the field) drank all day long and by the time that he got home (2 hrs after getting off work) and he could barely walk in the door. I was so furious that I didnt speak to him, because I knew that if I said anything we would argue. But then he got mad at me for not talking to him. I went to cook him dinner to get away from him and he called it slop and threw it. He went to get into his truck to drive off, but I fought and fought and I got the keys away from him. He then grabbed a knife from my kitchen and said he should end it all so I had to fight to get away the knife and then hide all the knives in the house. He said a lot of things that hurt my feelings. I found a purse in his truck that had a rain suit in it but he kept telling me that it belongs to the other guy who works with him. I cut loose and said well if he carrys a girls purse there is something wrong with him. Then one thing led to another as Im sure you can imagine and we got into a huge fight, but it worked out because he went to the bedroom to get away from me and passed out. I let him know that I am tired of having a son I want a husband. With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Murrells Inlet, SC
Posts: 8
Hes at it again....Did I mess up
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My AH husband had went for almost a week with very little to drink. I could only tell that he had a few by kissing him. I was so proud of him and I told him often to let him that I noticed it, but last night that changed. He and one of his co-workers (they work out in the field) drank all day long and by the time that he got home (2 hrs after getting off work) and he could barely walk in the door. I was so furious that I didnt speak to him, because I knew that if I said anything we would argue. But then he got mad at me for not talking to him. I went to cook him dinner to get away from him and he called it slop and threw it. He went to get into his truck to drive off, but I fought and fought and I got the keys away from him. He then grabbed a knife from my kitchen and said he should end it all so I had to fight to get away the knife and then hide all the knives in the house. He said a lot of things that hurt my feelings. I found a purse in his truck that had a rain suit in it but he kept telling me that it belongs to the other guy who works with him. I cut loose and said well if he carrys a girls purse there is something wrong with him. Then one thing led to another as Im sure you can imagine and we got into a huge fight, but it worked out because he went to the bedroom to get away from me and passed out. I let him know that I am tired of having a son I want a husband. With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
My AH husband had went for almost a week with very little to drink. I could only tell that he had a few by kissing him. I was so proud of him and I told him often to let him that I noticed it, but last night that changed. He and one of his co-workers (they work out in the field) drank all day long and by the time that he got home (2 hrs after getting off work) and he could barely walk in the door. I was so furious that I didnt speak to him, because I knew that if I said anything we would argue. But then he got mad at me for not talking to him. I went to cook him dinner to get away from him and he called it slop and threw it. He went to get into his truck to drive off, but I fought and fought and I got the keys away from him. He then grabbed a knife from my kitchen and said he should end it all so I had to fight to get away the knife and then hide all the knives in the house. He said a lot of things that hurt my feelings. I found a purse in his truck that had a rain suit in it but he kept telling me that it belongs to the other guy who works with him. I cut loose and said well if he carrys a girls purse there is something wrong with him. Then one thing led to another as Im sure you can imagine and we got into a huge fight, but it worked out because he went to the bedroom to get away from me and passed out. I let him know that I am tired of having a son I want a husband. With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better.
Did I mess up by fighting back? Im just so tired of this happening. I dont think that I can take it much more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Greeneyes " With this fight I only lost a few flower vases and one window. Maybe it is getting better."............think about that. You may want to consider leaving the house to go do something when those situations arrive. It does neither of you any good. When my ex-husband made deroggatory comments about my cooking guess what I quit cooking for him and he can't cook at all. I cook meals at a certain time and if my A is there then great and if he is not he can warm it up later. But the most important for you to do is look out for you and your safety. Maybe when he is like that you could get out to an alanon meeting. The only thing you can do is focus on your recovery his recovery is up to him. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Rose
Rose
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((greeneyes))
Trying to control someone else is like trying to stop a truck by stepping out in front of it. In Al-Anon we learn that we are not responsible for others' decisions, thoughts, and actions. When we try to take that on, we lose the ability to live our own life.
Al-Anon teaches us that by interfering with someone's life, we may be depriving them of the dignity of making their own choices, be they right or wrong. Our help may actually hinder recovery, because we don't allow that person to be responsible for their own choices. Just because I think life should be a certain way, does that mean I am the authority on right and wrong. Sometimes something that seems terrible is necessary to bring about change and growth. If I feel I have the right to interfere, doesn't that mean I am "playing God?"
I needed support to begin to make changes in myself, and to help me to see where I may be causing much of the chaos in my own life. Although I blamed others for my pain, it was mostly my own choices that robbed me of serenity. I can only suggest that you may want to check out some Al-Anon meetings in your area. There are many people who are finding better ways to cope with the effects of alcoholism in their lives. Hugs, Magic
Trying to control someone else is like trying to stop a truck by stepping out in front of it. In Al-Anon we learn that we are not responsible for others' decisions, thoughts, and actions. When we try to take that on, we lose the ability to live our own life.
Al-Anon teaches us that by interfering with someone's life, we may be depriving them of the dignity of making their own choices, be they right or wrong. Our help may actually hinder recovery, because we don't allow that person to be responsible for their own choices. Just because I think life should be a certain way, does that mean I am the authority on right and wrong. Sometimes something that seems terrible is necessary to bring about change and growth. If I feel I have the right to interfere, doesn't that mean I am "playing God?"
I needed support to begin to make changes in myself, and to help me to see where I may be causing much of the chaos in my own life. Although I blamed others for my pain, it was mostly my own choices that robbed me of serenity. I can only suggest that you may want to check out some Al-Anon meetings in your area. There are many people who are finding better ways to cope with the effects of alcoholism in their lives. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 28
I too searched out hidden alcohol, canceled credit cards & slept with my wallet... I also hid car keys and took his name off our our joint accounts. I still protect my accounts (he has a nasty habit of getting drunk, taking my credit/bank cards and gambling or buying expensive things online) and hid keys (I don't want an innocent person to get hurt), but I agree - stay out of the A's way and focus on you....and yes, that is easier said than done. Thankfully, I have a neighbor I can visit, so I don't have to go far in case our house starts to burn down...
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