daydreamer0217

You know , when you used to ask people a word to describe me, people would say I was feisty, strong or determined. Then the AX entered my world and I became a shell of who I used to be. And the truth is folks, it isn't his fault. I have to take all that on myself.

When I found out about the cheating, the 1st time, ( oh lord, yes, the 1st time ) I was having lunch with an old friend that I had not seen in a while. She told me that she was seeing this guy and that it was someone I knew, and yes, surprise it was my boyfriend at the time! I hadn't had the chance yet to tell her about my new man. Boy am I glad I didn't. It was like sitting in this room and someone is talking but it is blurry and you can't quite hear what they are saying anymore. She showed me the texts the messages. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. I was embarrassed and I was in shock. I never felt that way in my whole life. I couldn't stop crying. I confronted him about it, he admitted it and said "I was a drunk, old , stupid man" and then he said "what did you expect, she was an easy lay" he told me she was known for putting out. You would think that would be enough for my self esteem , and I would walk away. I did, for about 3 months. but he was sorry, and so sorry, and so sorry, he would do anything to make it up to me. I swore I would never let him break me again. at the time, I wasn't strong enough and did not love "ME" enough. I went back to him.

Then, when he finally got sober in Feb. and dumped me right after he got sober, not even I think 2 weeks sober. and come to find out it was for another woman and it had been going on for quite some time. OH LORD. I was mean. I said hurtful things to him that I can never take back. I was beyond hurt. I was devastated. I practically begged him to not leave me. I played games, I manipulated him.

I knew I needed help. I have been reading a lot on codependency. I have been going to counseling. I have forgiven myself for all the things I did, I made my amends.

I am shocked that I reacted like that. When my marriage of 23 years ended, he is not an A, it just ended, mutually. I was not like this. I had no idea I could react like this, I had no idea I would let someone treat me like this. Man did I need help.

sometimes I think back to that woman, it was a couple months ago. I am still healing still have days when I will cry for no reason. But I am so much stronger than I was back then.

thanks all for your support and encouragement.

Kboys

((((daydreamer)))))
I'm right there with you.
Keep going! You're on the right path and there is light at the end of the tunnel!

happybeingme

Awesome insight and recovery. You are doing great.

gingerbread81

I totally understand what you are going through. I am in the same spot. I have been working on myself for some time now so that I can be that happy, fun, loving person again. I used to think it wasn't possible, and that I was literally trapped in this hell (being obsessed being him and why he didn't love me like he SAID he did). I became controlling, manipulative, and unhappy. I think the key is to start really loving yourself and doing things to make yourself happy. Also, what helped me was making time to spend with people that actually love me...my family, good friends, etc.
You don't want a man that will have sex with whoever is easy (that is how my X was). That's immature and all on the surface. You don't deserve someone like that. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like he either wasn't sober or he decided to start drinking again....I know mine did this and he used this new woman as a way to justify that in fact he was a good man and that he can be a drunk and still get a woman to like him, "just how he is" (even though she is a barfly). They really are sick and they will take you down with them if you let them. It's hard for me to say this, because I still love my XA, but I finally see him for what he is. No more fantasizing about having this good relationship with him. It wasn't going to happen. He is an alcoholic, cheater, liar, and right now, he is okay with that. Let him go. Don't feed his sick ego my begging him or trying to manipulate him.

daydreamer0217

hugs guys. Ginger, I have been no contact now for a few weeks, and my life is calm at first I was bored, confused, scared.. you name it. now I am peaceful I don't have to look at my phone to see if he called me drunk in the middle of the night, what jail or rehab or detox is he in now? That isn't my concern at all.

Butterfly

Hi daydreamer well done for looking at yourself it's not easy, as for your behaviour I've behaved the same when I was with stbxah and after he left. I know for me I became a shell of the person I was. Your trying to find yourself and that can only be a good thing.

Your doing great (((((hugs)))))

daydreamer0217

thanks to all of you guys. just keepin it real

Duckygirl1

I just heard the other day that the word intamacy is reallly, INTO ME , I SEE. I totally get this. The I made the mistake of telling a friend that I had finally dumped the last of ducky boys things and I could really start rebuilding myself. I didn't like who I had become. Truth be told I probably had lost much of myself long ago. So now with a clear head I could start exploring my authentic self.

All I got was a lecture on how I was in deep denial, still in love with this guy and when he comes back I'll just fall into his arms again like I had numerous other times. I said , "first off, he's with someone who can have kids, he ain't coming back this way. Secondly, I am not going to start singing tip toe through the minefield for anybody again."

You know within yourself when you are really and truly just done, like all of that blood sucking vampire relationship stuff is just buried six feet deep with a stake in its heart done! Sounds like that's where you are! Well done! Just imagine next year how strong you'll be!!

FeelingGreat

Giving up an addiction, be it a person or a substance, brings pain but also huge relief. Like a weight has been shifted.

daydreamer0217

what really helped me move on was changing my number, people have said it before, but I don't know if I believed it or not. when you go no contact, you are breaking the pattern . No contact = no new hurt. it really is that simple.

NYCDoglvr

Me too! Prior to the disastrous codependent relationship I at least picked nice, healthy guys including my ex-husband (not an alcoholic) and other long term relationships. My relationship was the xrabf was so painful I jumped into Alanon and the 12 Steps so I would never repeat the experience.

searching peace

It is great to read about how self aware you are and how you are taking positive steps to regain yourself! You sound very healthy. I only aspire to be able to do things that you have already done. I am so impressed you are strong enough to change your number and move forward for you and your life! You are doing amazing! I'm in awe!

daydreamer0217

thanks Searchingpeace, i sometimes don't feel very strong, and I have days that I am grateful to just get out of bed. Don't get me wrong, it is not easy. But I am doing it, one foot in front of the other. On day at a time