Wheresmyunicorn

I'm trying to get the hang of detaching but am having a real problem with the "with love" part. I know some of it is my own anger and resentment (past and present). But there is also the absence of respect and trust. Some family issues the last week have really magnified to me that I have lost my respect for AH and don't trust him even outside the drinking (full disclosure: to my knowledge hes never cheated but has told some pretty big lies I've only recently discovered).

How do you reconcile being with someone you can't respect or trust? I've promised myself I won't make any big decisions until fall unlesss forced but I find myself constantly struggling with this aspect. Thanks for listening.

CodeJob

I never stressed the 'with love' part at first. That took a bit of finesse I just did not have. For me it was more like "detach and deal with Daily Life." So I made our family life roll along and he drank in the garage. Long term this approach is exhausting and it did not help me nip my codependency.

Some people here have addicts that lie - even sober and when not necessary. it is not uncommon to hear that the lack of honesty is what sinks a relationship. You just can't do much rebuilding when there is no trust or respect...

Peace,

Understand

I hear you. The lies are the worst thing. If he can lie so well, you would be silly to trust. Can you give someone love but not trust?
I don't trust my ah at all, with most things, but I respect his struggle I love the effort he puts in.......when he puts in some effort! ..........
I love the sun rise. I love simple things in life. Can we love our drinkers with that pure love that we give to nature where we don't have expectation or gratification?
That is a question for myself too.

Seren

I must admit, my first attempts at detachment were with contempt....*sigh*

It takes work and practice, in my experience. And, I also don't think you are required to reconcile with someone you don't respect or trust. If you want to, and it's important to you, then that could be something to work toward--but at this point, your trust will have to be earned again.

FeelingGreat

Maybe detach with love and compassion? or pity?
You can't force yourself to love someone if they're simultaneously working hard to undermine your respect.

hopeful4

Well, there lies the problem. I think to do it with love means that you love yourself. If you have all of this anger and resentment built up, it hurts one person, you.

Only you can decide if you can stay with someone you don't respect or trust. For myself, I could not.

Hugs to you. We are here for you.

FireSprite

For me, "with love" translated to "without hate", initially. It was more about restraining my own reactions because when I was "attached" & engaged I was actually helping to degrade the situation rather than fixing anything. (but I could only see that I was defending myself & being logical & of course, totally right ) Which meant that we were both spiraling down in different ways.

I finally realized I could stop myself, that I had control over me. Maybe he was turning/had turned into someone I didn't like, but *I* didn't have to.

When I learned to stop taking his quacking personally, to drop the rope & walk away & just stop engaging... then I started observing our situation differently. I started to see it & not just live it in the moment to moment. That gave me more mental space to move on to other things & ideas.

The "with love" part eventually became more of the kind of love where I wished him well, I wished he could find himself & his path & go forward in life & find happiness even if I wasn't able to be part of that. Some of my attachment was out of simple fear of losing him/the relationship & once I let go of that, there was more room for the loving side. (Not the same as "in love", of course.)

Florence

For me "with love" meant "from a distance." I was not able to detach with love as long as I lived in the same house as XAH, because my compassion for him was outweighed by the unbearable resentment of keeping up the house, home, career, and kids, while he floundered. When I was able to get distance from him, I was able to see that he just wasn't capable of managing any of these things, and I felt empathy for his struggle. But when I am forced to interact with him, even today, I am still cranky and resentful about how his addiction has affected my life. I have moved on with my life as much as I can while still sharing custody of our daughter, but I do police the boundaries when he's around for my own sake.

I really believe that "detachment with love" while living with the A is something people should strive for in the short term while working out how to get to the next place, and not adopt it as a long-term strategy.

NYCDoglvr

For me there was no basis for any kind of relationship without trust and respect.

daydreamer0217

I have thought about that ? a lot. My AX has recently been trying to "be friends" with me, by calling me and leaving daily devotions and sending me texts to have a nice day. I think he was trying to maintain some sort of something, not to have me back again, but i think in his head he wanted to stay friends, I was the only person in his life who didn't judge him, and I never walked away when it got bad and everyone else left. But I had to delete/block and eventually just change my number. I had to do it cold turkey. I love him with all my heart, but I absolutely do not trust him and I respect him even less than I trust him. The lies, the cheating, the verbal abuse. I was not and am not ready to be friends with him yet. But as someone said above, I wish the best for him, He is sober and has a job, so I am happy for him. But it is from a very far distance and that is getting further and further for me. I dont know what the future will bring but that is where I am today.

Hawkeye13

me too--I just couldn't live with a habitual liar no matter what.

Sending you support

Wheresmyunicorn

This made me smile (which I REALLY needed right now btw) - of course, we are always right, right?!? LOL!

Thanks so much for all the replies and support. I'm struggling this morning - with myself and with a family member who shows some of the same codie tendencies I have. Still trying to take care of everyone, right? I finally told her I'd check on her, that I had to disengage, but if she didn't seek some guidance professionally today, I'd send the police in to do a wellness check (she's 2000 miles away).

See, even if I can't do it completely with my AH, I'm learning a little, right ..... baby steps .....

Florence

Agreed. I couldn't live with someone who lied to me all the time. The lying is, to this day, still a part of our limited relationship. I still hate it.

Thumper

No advice for the OP. I tried for years to just accept my husband and be happy around him but I was not successful. Not that it can't be done - just not by me or not in my situation. Looking back it is hard to figure out why I'd even want to do something like that but it was very important to me at the time. I spent years telling myself it was the only way.

I've never heard it put that way before. That gives me a lot of food for thought. The more I accepted him, the more I hated myself - which led to resenting him with a fury. I'm not sure how I'd love myself and embrace unacceptable truths at the same time.