She emailed me

Old 05-12-2015, 11:09 PM
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She emailed me

sorry I haven't been around it has been a CRAZY week and I have been pretty depressed... coming out of it though.

but yeah - she just emailed me! A VOICE FROM BEYOND! *spooky music*

"Hi Seasaw
I am doing well. I hope you are doing well. Your aunt told me you moved. Hope to hear from you.
Mom"

HAHAHA!!! WTF! I JUST TODAY got mail from a bill collector trying to get payment on a $2,000 debt she has successfully pawned off under my name, and I had to call the people and explain that my psycho alcoholic addict narcissistic mother had tried to do this a million times and that it was not my debt. Yeah mom, I'm doing GREAT. Al-Anon meetings every day to keep me close to sane and a near total lack of family and support outside of the 12 steps, thanks!

She can create as many new email accounts as she likes, it's just another one more for me to block and filter out. 9 months of no contact, going strong. Honestly I just wish I could hear the bad news - I know she's not 'doing well' because a) she's an unwell person and b) my aunt is still in touch and knows she's still doing her looney dance - I just wish it was over already - I hate the idea of years of never knowing when the next email will pop up! But whatever! At least it was short.

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Old 05-13-2015, 12:15 PM
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Yikes. Interesting, your post reminded me of when my mom saddled me with a car debt. We were moving and she wanted to buy our car, but said she couldn't get it refinanced for a few months. Like a sap I trusted her, she took the car and said she would make the payments. She then smashed the car (her fault) and stopped making payments. I didn't find out until it was repossessed as the bills were going to her address. When I confronted her she actually said "well I wasn't going to make payments on a car I couldn't drive". OMG! It was already in collections by then and I paid it off. Thanks for the reminder. Every time I remember something it cements my NC decision
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Old 05-13-2015, 12:18 PM
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Well, you could change your email address - then she couldn't do any more "sneak attacks."
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Old 05-13-2015, 12:24 PM
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I was thinking of changing my number so she couldn't call or have other people call but decided I wasn't going to change my life for her, almost felt like she was winning... but I am pretty stubborn and thick headed LOL
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:55 PM
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I've read about this behavior. They call it hoovering. It's like trying to suck you back into the no-boundary mess. Let's forget all of that stuff and just be family again, right? Oh, by the way, you're implying that all of my behavior is ok.

My brother has done that a few times. We work in the same school district, so it would be unprofessional for me to refuse his calls. He would ask these seemingly innocent questions. I would just stay in business mode and answer them and that was it. Maybe it was unsuccessful hoovering. Maybe it wasn't

His wife tried the same thing. I have a strict boundary there. I'll talk to them due to work requiring me too. But anything else? NOPE.
She even tried to argue with me about a decision that was mine (to invalidate a test where she reported the student had marked random answers). I said, "I've heard you say that the student made little to no effort, that is cause for invalidation and I will invalidate the test". I bet she's not used to people standing up to her. I was not interested in any argument. I said goodbye and thanks for reporting the issue. lol.

Haven't had a hoover incident in a while. I have a baby on the way, and they have said nothing about it. I'm sure they've found out by now. I'm maintaining no contact unless both my wife and I are convinced that they are truly sorry for their behavior and want a loving, accepting relationship with both myself and my wife. Otherwise, no thanks - I'm not interested in drinking the poison.
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Old 05-14-2015, 04:17 PM
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Thanks everyone. One of my first thoughts during my confused initial state was - I have to tell my SR crew

So.... now I kind of want to email back. I know, ME. I just want to email back a subject heading of:

"Glad to hear it."

With no body, and keep the email address blocked so I can't get any response.

Full disclosure - the day after i posted this thread, my aunt emailed me and said that she suspects my mother is disinheriting me to leave everything to that family friend who backstabbed me when things fell apart last year. i don't really CARE about the money thing - i'm kind of resigned on that point - and emotionally i'm in a place of self-care that i really need to not be thinking about whether or not my mother is disowning me. i've already disowned her!

The reasons TO send the simple 'glad to hear it' email are: I basically think she's a sick person who has had a really awful life and is ending it as awfully as much of it was lived. She is a damaged person who experienced a tremendous amount of trauma and therefore was not capable of raising a daughter entirely lovingly - she WAS loving sometimes - it was the times when she wasn't.... So to that damaged person who is alone and twice widowed whose daughter won't even speak to her, am I strong and compassionate enough to send a simple "Glad to hear it." (in response to the 'i am doing well' whether or not that is even true, not being the point)

Reasons NOT to - i might dwell on what her response will be even if i never hear about it... i might not be doing it for the 'right' reasons... i might be doing it out of guilt or codie manipulation/control instead of actual compassion and letting-go-iness... and mostly, it breaks the rule of No Contact i made for myself less than a year ago.

Another reason to: now, I can say 'glad to hear it' in response to something; a year from now she may be dead, or i might want to say something like 'hope you are well' without having to feel like i'm starting a conversation. this way, i'm just responding, and leaving it at that.

Thoughts?
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Old 05-14-2015, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, you could change your email address - then she couldn't do any more "sneak attacks."
I totally would - I've moved, changed most other things - but my email address is tied into my professional stuff and has been the same for so long it's how people i've known for years know to contact me. It's mine, dang it! Otherwise, yes I sure would
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Old 05-14-2015, 04:29 PM
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In thinking more about it - my idea to respond is either a codie glitch because she emailed me and broke through

or

it is taking the longview with going NC and making sure the last thing I say to her is something positive. Right now, the last thing I said to her was something pretty cutting about her drinking.
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Old 05-15-2015, 09:37 AM
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I can't speak for your life, but I understand the feelings. It sounds like a nagging guilt, pulling on your heart-strings. She's weak, she's sick, and you begin to feel pity. I think I read somewhere that us ACOA's confuse pity with love? I'm not sure but are you saying that you would feel a little hint of "responsibility" if she were to pass away and your last correspondence with her wasn't...showing your best self? or was it?

I still get those feelings. I think "maybe I should talk to my dad about his drinking - I'm in a lot of recovery - maybe I'd get through to him?". Then I waffle on 'is this really in my control or not?' I wonder about when he dies - will it be tomorrow? Today? or will he live to 90? If he dies today, will I regret all of my actions? Will I wish I was around him?

Unfortunately, I don't know. I wonder if this is a higher power thing for me?

hmmm...

I haven't solved this particular riddle. I feel so much pain for my father's pain? I don't ever see him.

Yet again, I completely forget about the fact that he isn't reaching out to me. he isn't calling me. he isn't e-mailing. Yes, I'm the "healthy" one, but being the one reaching out all the time can be exhausting. It's like, "hey, I'd like another dose of abandonment, please"

I guess my suggestion would be to sit and think about where your motivation is coming from. Is it through the pity? Is it through guilt? If so, remember that you can't control the disease and you can't control her feelings, either.
You know your specific reasons for no contact. I suppose you can think on that?

How would responding benefit you?

I truly wish you well. I totally understand going back and forth in your head about how you want to communicate with someone that has been so toxic in your life. I struggle with it every day.

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make for yourself.
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