RedDog735

...without him. I've come a long way and I've learned a lot. And, I still have a long way to go! I'm struggling with letting go of all the anger and resentment. I am SO angry at him. He is so worthless. Came down to sleep with me Friday and was in bed with another woman on Saturday night.

It took everything inside of me to refrain from calling him up and telling him about himself. How he is a repulsive, awful monster, etc....But that will accomplish absolutely nothing.
He's still actively drinking too. His friend told me that he missed work on Monday related to an incident Sunday night (losing his phone and having to crawl back home from the bar very late.)

But I'm still so caught up on this other girl. AND THESE NEW WOMEN ARE ALWAYS IN THEIR TWENTIES. Hes 35. I guess these are the only girls that will put up with his behavior because they don't know any better? The women his age apparently listen to those waving red flags as I should've done.

I'm just so angry. Thank god for alanon tomorrow and Thursday, I really need a meeting.

dandylion

RedDog....I believe that a book called "The Saber-Toothed Tiger" would rsonate a lot with you, right now.
You can get it very cheaply on amazon.com.

dandylion

firebolt

It is ok to be angry. You are allowed to be angry. He has done things that would make anyone angry!

Anger is a good motivator to stay away from what is bad for us, to work on changing ourselves and our lives, and to just generally clean up.

Example, my house cleaning skills when I am happy, vs. my HOUSE CLEANING SKILLZ when i'm pissed!!

Anger is a good thing when you can feel it, let it motivate you and make you better / healthier, and then let it go. Take care girl. I hope the worst is over for you!!

happybeingme

Why are you with him? Why are you letting him use you? Please make sure you are using protection and getting regular medical screenings

redatlanta

Red dog glad to hear you are progressing!

How do you know about this other woman the night after he left you? Why speak with his friends about his behavior?

Of course he is still drinking, he is still doing everything he WAS doing except now you are more aware of it. Yet, you are still seeing him. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Don't get so hung up on the age of the women he is seeing - he has a preference for younger girls probably for a variety of reasons. Trust there are 30, 40, 50 year olds that will be with him I met RAH when I was 43. Codependents come in all ages. My guess is he is looking for less (no) "strings attached" therefore, is hunting in the arena more likely to produce a one night stand.

Hawkeye13

Ready to go no contact yet?

He really isn't worth your time or concern at this point.

I'm sorry you continue to get hurt like this

Duckygirl1

My dear one, pity those other girls. Just think in reverse. She may be thinking "He was in bed with me Saturday and with someone else Friday!" It's NOT ABOUT YOU OR HER OR ANY OTHER WOMAN 20 or 120! He has no regard, respect, ability to connect or commit to anyone or anything but his DOC's! Please for the love of sanity, cut this ass clown out of your life!

RedDog735

Thanks guys- yes I am ready. I'm so ready now. I blocked him on EVERYTHING. Light bulb moment. It hurts because I just want him to be rational so bad! But I can't expect that of an addict. Just have to keep reminding myself- one day at a time AND nothing changes and nothing changes!

TerpGal

Yep, anger is a natural emotion to have in a situation like this. Don't deny it. It needs to be felt, but not for too long. That is important. In the immediate sense, it can help us make us decisions to move us forward but in the long term, it is very, VERY destructive, especially if you are a dweller. And especially if someone close to you had done something awful AND you are a dweller.

I say this because I wish someone had said it to me. " Ok, you have a right to your anger, it's not ok to be angry anymore". This might come of as unfeeling but really, my anger toward RAH and his family almost killed me. I was angry, and that did help me make the decision to go NC with his family when I needed it............except it never went away. It went from anger, to seething rage, to soul rending despair. That helped plunge me into the deepest depression of my life and eventual suicide attempt.

Anger can really get the better of a person. Remember the old adage that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? It's very, very true.

firebolt

^^ Totally agree! I'm a dweller - yes, it can eat us alive if it lasts too long.

redatlanta

If you think about it what does being rational matter in this situation? Acknowledgement of his behavior, that its wrong and that its hurt you makes you 'right". You already know you are right you don't need the alcoholic to acknowledge that.

His behavior is not all about his alcoholism. In fact, I would say your bigger problem here has nothing to do with alcoholism. He is a cheater and a liar. Take away the alcohol he is still a cheater and a liar. For him to undo these behavior patterns - well, it will take a lot more than just getting sober.

Say goodbye to this wrecking ball for good this time. He'll never be anything but heartache and misery. It would take years for you to trust him, and that's if he started on the up and up today. No thanks.

AnvilheadII

blocking him is a great step. also you need to "block" any information from other sources, aka "friends" - the grapevine feeding you the play by plays of his life. ya just don't need it!!!

noinsanity2423

Thanks for sharing your story, RedDog735. I've been going through the anger stages as of late, and I also wish that my problem person would do the rational thing and put themselves in recovery. I left my ex alcoholic, drug addicted, promiscuous fiancé about a month ago. I found out that she was still drinking and basically "seeing" guys she met at bars via Facebook images from her brother on his profile a week or two after I left her. I even wrote her a letter explaining why I left, but she decided to blame me and insisted there's not a problem. She kept messaging me and baiting me to reply by saying she missed me or that I ruined her life by leaving and telling her family about her behavior. Engaging with her just gave her the chance to say more hurtful things to me. I wound up having to completely block her and her entire family to prevent further hurt. I don't have to expose myself to any more hurt, and I don't need any more proof for who she is. Anything else at this point just keeps me from getting better. I'm glad that you chose to block your problem, too.

fluffyflea

The great and empowering thing is we can't change them and their actions but we can change us and our actions.

Put the focus on taking care of you and forget about him.

kayleezen

Hi RedDog735,

I understand, I have felt so confused and demoralized in my recent situation.
The relapse is one thing but the OW-I completely loose it. I have to
take extreme corrective action.

Even the mere thought he could lust after someone else-even when drunk with a brain injury was enough to put me on the floor for weeks.

My sponsor says the OW have nothing to do with us-I had to remove myself from the situation as soon as I could and believe me it wasn't easy.
It's terrible for our self esteem.

Be strong-you aren't alone.

kayleezen

kayleezen

Wow redatlanta we so don't want to believe- this don't we? It's true though isn't it?
Getting sober isn't enough, I so wish it was

redatlanta

Yes Kayleezen - Codies do want not attribute all poor behavior to alcohol. It allows us permission to excuse appalling behavior because "they can't help it, its not them, they wouldn't do this sober"!

Oh yes they would. The cycle of this mindset sets in motion cure the alcoholism = cure the unacceptable behavior. NOT. You'll get rid of the atypical behaviors attributed to being drunk, and get rid of some of the lying about drinking and such, but left in its place are the same problems and issues of cheating etc. if they exist.

Some of the nicest people I know are alcoholics. I just went on a work trip with one. Kind, generous, funny, loving toward their spouse, smart and brilliant in business. Still an A, the shaky hand kind. Wouldn't be my cup of tea as all entertainment and down time is centered around booze (yawn) nonetheless a really stand up person.

searching peace

Redatlanta, what is the "hand shaking" kind of alcoholic? My stbxah hands used to shake all of the time. Now they don't anymore. ???

redatlanta

I'm sure there is a medical term for it SP. This person's hands shake terribly after a night of boozing.

LexieCat

It's basically a symptom of withdrawal. When you get up in the morning and haven't had your dose of alcohol, lots of alcoholics shake. The joke (but true) is that AA meetings they often give new people only half a cup of coffee, as they are likely to spill it otherwise.

For most people it goes away after a few weeks of sobriety.