To Reach Out Or Not To Reach Out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
To Reach Out Or Not To Reach Out...
It's been a long time since I've posted here, but I could really use some advice. Due to my work schedule I also haven't been able to attend Naranon meetings. But I've been struggling lately with missing my drug addicted ex boyfriend.
A brief history: Me and my ex were together for nearly 8 years. I'm 29 and he's 26. He always smoked marijuana, but didn't start using heroin until our last year together. His opiate addiction started with painkillers. Anyway, after a stay in rehab and him returning home, I ended up kicking him out once I found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old drug addict he met in NA meetings and using again. There were just too many lies. The cheating was the worst part, though. He ended up moving into that kid's family's house. And I say kid because he is a kid. This all happened last May. It's been a year and they're still using and living in that house. The kid's parents enable my ex so badly from what I hear -- they pay for his phone, legal bills, etc. He found the perfect situation to help his drug use survive. They also got married 8 weeks after I kicked him out. He only knew the kid for 3-4 months at that time.
Anyway, here I am -- almost a year after kicking him out. I haven't talked to my ex since November. He reached out once in January to get something he left behind, but I refused to answer. Lately, though, I've been missing him. I never stopped. I think about him every single day. I tell people I'm not, but I feel like I'm waiting for him to change and come after me. Will he ever realize he screwed up and left the best thing he had?
What I'm really here to ask is -- would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready. Does he likely already know that? Part of me wants him to know that, but another part feels like I deserve him to realize what he did to me and fix it on his own. I'm just so conflicted. I'm not saying that I want to date him while he's using. I would never. I want him to get clean though.
A brief history: Me and my ex were together for nearly 8 years. I'm 29 and he's 26. He always smoked marijuana, but didn't start using heroin until our last year together. His opiate addiction started with painkillers. Anyway, after a stay in rehab and him returning home, I ended up kicking him out once I found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old drug addict he met in NA meetings and using again. There were just too many lies. The cheating was the worst part, though. He ended up moving into that kid's family's house. And I say kid because he is a kid. This all happened last May. It's been a year and they're still using and living in that house. The kid's parents enable my ex so badly from what I hear -- they pay for his phone, legal bills, etc. He found the perfect situation to help his drug use survive. They also got married 8 weeks after I kicked him out. He only knew the kid for 3-4 months at that time.
Anyway, here I am -- almost a year after kicking him out. I haven't talked to my ex since November. He reached out once in January to get something he left behind, but I refused to answer. Lately, though, I've been missing him. I never stopped. I think about him every single day. I tell people I'm not, but I feel like I'm waiting for him to change and come after me. Will he ever realize he screwed up and left the best thing he had?
What I'm really here to ask is -- would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready. Does he likely already know that? Part of me wants him to know that, but another part feels like I deserve him to realize what he did to me and fix it on his own. I'm just so conflicted. I'm not saying that I want to date him while he's using. I would never. I want him to get clean though.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
James...
I remember you. I remember the stories about your ex. So please forgive me for what I'm about to say.
It is over. It is more than over. He's gone. He has married someone else. He does not want to be with you. He wants to be with the person he married.
I have posted some variant of this message every time you bring him up. Others have, too. If you do not want to accept this cold, hard truth, then there is nothing I can do for you.
If you want to reach out to someone who is married and who wants nothing to do with you, go ahead. You won't like how it goes, but go ahead. It's the emotional equivalent of sticking your hand inside a cage with a cottonmouth in it. It won't necessarily kill you when it bites you, but it'll hurt bad enough to make you wish it had.
You think I don't understand what you're feeling? Nonsense. I understand all too well. I've got an ex that I had a hard time letting go of. But when I stopped idealizing her and I saw her what for she really is, I simply decided I didn't want anything to do with her. And you know how difficult it is for me? I have to work with her. I have to pass her in the corridor from time to time. Here she is, someone I was sexually intimate with, someone I thought I was going to marry (thank God I didn't), and I blow her off because there are issues about her character that make her untrustworthy and therefore not worthy of my trust. It's f--king difficult. But I deal with it.
Unless you let him go, you're going to keep coming back here from self inflicted wounds. Is that how you want to keep living your life, pining for a sick person? Why do I want better for you than you want better for yourself?
I remember you. I remember the stories about your ex. So please forgive me for what I'm about to say.
It is over. It is more than over. He's gone. He has married someone else. He does not want to be with you. He wants to be with the person he married.
I have posted some variant of this message every time you bring him up. Others have, too. If you do not want to accept this cold, hard truth, then there is nothing I can do for you.
If you want to reach out to someone who is married and who wants nothing to do with you, go ahead. You won't like how it goes, but go ahead. It's the emotional equivalent of sticking your hand inside a cage with a cottonmouth in it. It won't necessarily kill you when it bites you, but it'll hurt bad enough to make you wish it had.
You think I don't understand what you're feeling? Nonsense. I understand all too well. I've got an ex that I had a hard time letting go of. But when I stopped idealizing her and I saw her what for she really is, I simply decided I didn't want anything to do with her. And you know how difficult it is for me? I have to work with her. I have to pass her in the corridor from time to time. Here she is, someone I was sexually intimate with, someone I thought I was going to marry (thank God I didn't), and I blow her off because there are issues about her character that make her untrustworthy and therefore not worthy of my trust. It's f--king difficult. But I deal with it.
Unless you let him go, you're going to keep coming back here from self inflicted wounds. Is that how you want to keep living your life, pining for a sick person? Why do I want better for you than you want better for yourself?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Houston, tx
Posts: 32
Hey Zoso,
I have a question for you, and if this is too personal you can tell me to shut up, but did you report her drug use to your company? After 1.5 years of knowing my person was high on the job, and taking care of patients, he's not a nurse, but still taking care of patients. I reported him. He figured out it was me, and then filed a complaint with local PD for harassment... Good thing this towns PD knows me(because I work in the ER , in the same stinking town) doesn't know this part about me, but the complaint never went anywhere.
I was just wondering. I kept it so close to me, but once I found out about the pot smoking I lost it. He uses fake urine and set ups to keep him employed....
K too long of a post. Sorry
I have a question for you, and if this is too personal you can tell me to shut up, but did you report her drug use to your company? After 1.5 years of knowing my person was high on the job, and taking care of patients, he's not a nurse, but still taking care of patients. I reported him. He figured out it was me, and then filed a complaint with local PD for harassment... Good thing this towns PD knows me(because I work in the ER , in the same stinking town) doesn't know this part about me, but the complaint never went anywhere.
I was just wondering. I kept it so close to me, but once I found out about the pot smoking I lost it. He uses fake urine and set ups to keep him employed....
K too long of a post. Sorry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by zoso77 
James...
I remember you. I remember the stories about your ex. So please forgive me for what I'm about to say.
It is over. It is more than over. He's gone. He has married someone else. He does not want to be with you. He wants to be with the person he married.
I have posted some variant of this message every time you bring him up. Others have, too. If you do not want to accept this cold, hard truth, then there is nothing I can do for you.
If you want to reach out to someone who is married and who wants nothing to do with you, go ahead. You won't like how it goes, but go ahead. It's the emotional equivalent of sticking your hand inside a cage with a cottonmouth in it. It won't necessarily kill you when it bites you, but it'll hurt bad enough to make you wish it had.
You think I don't understand what you're feeling? Nonsense. I understand all too well. I've got an ex that I had a hard time letting go of. But when I stopped idealizing her and I saw her what for she really is, I simply decided I didn't want anything to do with her. And you know how difficult it is for me? I have to work with her. I have to pass her in the corridor from time to time. Here she is, someone I was sexually intimate with, someone I thought I was going to marry (thank God I didn't), and I blow her off because there are issues about her character that make her untrustworthy and therefore not worthy of my trust. It's f--king difficult. But I deal with it.
Unless you let him go, you're going to keep coming back here from self inflicted wounds. Is that how you want to keep living your life, pining for a sick person? Why do I want better for you than you want better for yourself?
I remember you. I remember the stories about your ex. So please forgive me for what I'm about to say.
It is over. It is more than over. He's gone. He has married someone else. He does not want to be with you. He wants to be with the person he married.
I have posted some variant of this message every time you bring him up. Others have, too. If you do not want to accept this cold, hard truth, then there is nothing I can do for you.
If you want to reach out to someone who is married and who wants nothing to do with you, go ahead. You won't like how it goes, but go ahead. It's the emotional equivalent of sticking your hand inside a cage with a cottonmouth in it. It won't necessarily kill you when it bites you, but it'll hurt bad enough to make you wish it had.
You think I don't understand what you're feeling? Nonsense. I understand all too well. I've got an ex that I had a hard time letting go of. But when I stopped idealizing her and I saw her what for she really is, I simply decided I didn't want anything to do with her. And you know how difficult it is for me? I have to work with her. I have to pass her in the corridor from time to time. Here she is, someone I was sexually intimate with, someone I thought I was going to marry (thank God I didn't), and I blow her off because there are issues about her character that make her untrustworthy and therefore not worthy of my trust. It's f--king difficult. But I deal with it.
Unless you let him go, you're going to keep coming back here from self inflicted wounds. Is that how you want to keep living your life, pining for a sick person? Why do I want better for you than you want better for yourself?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Nowiamawas1026
Hey Zoso,
I have a question for you, and if this is too personal you can tell me to shut up, but did you report her drug use to your company? After 1.5 years of knowing my person was high on the job, and taking care of patients, he's not a nurse, but still taking care of patients. I reported him. He figured out it was me, and then filed a complaint with local PD for harassment... Good thing this towns PD knows me(because I work in the ER , in the same stinking town) doesn't know this part about me, but the complaint never went anywhere.
I was just wondering. I kept it so close to me, but once I found out about the pot smoking I lost it. He uses fake urine and set ups to keep him employed....
K too long of a post. Sorry
I have a question for you, and if this is too personal you can tell me to shut up, but did you report her drug use to your company? After 1.5 years of knowing my person was high on the job, and taking care of patients, he's not a nurse, but still taking care of patients. I reported him. He figured out it was me, and then filed a complaint with local PD for harassment... Good thing this towns PD knows me(because I work in the ER , in the same stinking town) doesn't know this part about me, but the complaint never went anywhere.
I was just wondering. I kept it so close to me, but once I found out about the pot smoking I lost it. He uses fake urine and set ups to keep him employed....
K too long of a post. Sorry
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready
I'm relatively inexperienced at this but my first thought is, if he is still using drugs then he likely will only receive your comment as an option to use you in the future as a backup plan if his current enabling situation goes bad. I say don't do it, don't open the door for him. Furtheremore, if he chooses to become sober then you should not have to tell him anyway if you have not found someone else yet. He already knows: it's you or drugs. He picked drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by AWorriedFather
.
I'm relatively inexperienced at this but my first thought is, if he is still using drugs then he likely will only receive your comment as an option to use you in the future as a backup plan if his current enabling situation goes bad. I say don't do it, don't open the door for him. Furtheremore, if he chooses to become sober then you should not have to tell him anyway if you have not found someone else yet. He already knows: it's you or drugs. He picked drugs.
I'm relatively inexperienced at this but my first thought is, if he is still using drugs then he likely will only receive your comment as an option to use you in the future as a backup plan if his current enabling situation goes bad. I say don't do it, don't open the door for him. Furtheremore, if he chooses to become sober then you should not have to tell him anyway if you have not found someone else yet. He already knows: it's you or drugs. He picked drugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
That's the thing about saying "it's me or the drugs" often times we are devastated... even surprised when they choose drugs. I knew an addict once apon a time who was given an ultimatum by his wife. He went and filed for divorce two weeks later. She was heartbroken of course and he is still using. That was 4 years ago.
I think you are simply lonely and feining. We get hungry for love and affection sometimes and that's normal, but we need to use caution about where we go looking for those things.
If I wanted to get a pet cat, there's no harm in that. It's ok, socially acceptable, safe and normal. If I wanted to get a pet lion or tiger then there would be lots of legal and safety concerns. People would tell me "NO WAY! You cannot have a lion in your house!!!"
It's also not wise to sit around and wait for the lion to become a kitty cat so I can keep it either. Lions are simply lions and do what lions do. I love lions!!! But from a distance.
Substitute addict for lion. I cannot sugar coat it any other way.
Even in true recovery... addicts are different from normal people. It's in their nature. It's who they are. The program replaces the drug and allows them to function. There is no "once they get sober then they can be normal." Ever
I think you are simply lonely and feining. We get hungry for love and affection sometimes and that's normal, but we need to use caution about where we go looking for those things.
If I wanted to get a pet cat, there's no harm in that. It's ok, socially acceptable, safe and normal. If I wanted to get a pet lion or tiger then there would be lots of legal and safety concerns. People would tell me "NO WAY! You cannot have a lion in your house!!!"
It's also not wise to sit around and wait for the lion to become a kitty cat so I can keep it either. Lions are simply lions and do what lions do. I love lions!!! But from a distance.
Substitute addict for lion. I cannot sugar coat it any other way.
Even in true recovery... addicts are different from normal people. It's in their nature. It's who they are. The program replaces the drug and allows them to function. There is no "once they get sober then they can be normal." Ever
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Lily, that is a sticky for sure. There is no "Once they get sober then they can be normal". My son will NEVER be the same person he was before drugs. He can still be a great individual, but most successful people in recovery live that life to the fullest, and those of us who are "normies" are in the wings of their lives.
So sad, but so true. That said, I will respect that about my addict, and I will learn how I can live within that parameter for the time I spend with them.
So sad, but so true. That said, I will respect that about my addict, and I will learn how I can live within that parameter for the time I spend with them.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hi James, I'm sorry you are still pining over an ex. I don't think you should reach out at all. It sounds like you dodged a major bullet. Do you see it that way at all? Have you talked to a therapist about this? Because you deserve so much more than what you are giving yourself. You should be glad he is gone (it's ok to miss him but you should feel confident that this outcome is the best for you!)
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What I'm really here to ask is -- would it be a good thing or a bad thing to reach out to him and just let him know that I'll always be there for him when he's ready. Does he likely already know that? Part of me wants him to know that, but another part feels like I deserve him to realize what he did to me and fix it on his own. I'm just so conflicted. I'm not saying that I want to date him while he's using. I would never. I want him to get clean though.
Often when we are looking to go backwards it’s because something is missing in our today. Are you feeling lonely, sad and want the good days with him back?
He’s moved on, he’s involved with someone else and the truth is if he wanted you in his life he would have made room for you which he hasn’t so why would you then want to place yourself into a position to be rejected or hurt all over again?
All I can say is this has more to do with what is missing in your life today then it has to do with him or his drug use and getting him clean.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Your tone is a bit harsh and I've noticed you do this to many people on this site. I understand your intentions but your delivery is inconsiderate. I come here for support, not to be attacked.
You joined us in December 2013. You periodically check in with more or less the same problem, asking some variant of the same question. The facts regarding this person, as far as I understand them, have not changed. All I have done is reiterate those facts. If you find those facts "a bit harsh", with all due respect, that is not my problem.
If you are looking for permission to do something that is not in your best interests, you don't need permission from anyone here. The only one that pays the price for your decisions is you. If you want to stay stuck, that's your call. If you don't want to let go of him, that's your call. If you want to "stick your hand in a cage with a cottonmouth", that's your call as well.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
He's your ex, but he's married to someone else now.
Many of us here have dealt with infidelity issues. Stating that you are going to pursue a person who is now married to someone else is not going to be a popular decision here, even if he is your ex. Most people here probably won't tell you what you want to hear, if only because they would think it's asking for trouble to pursue a married man.
But I'm with Zoso. You don't need permission from anyone here to contact your ex and try to get your relationship going with him again. What is holding you back?
Many of us here have dealt with infidelity issues. Stating that you are going to pursue a person who is now married to someone else is not going to be a popular decision here, even if he is your ex. Most people here probably won't tell you what you want to hear, if only because they would think it's asking for trouble to pursue a married man.
But I'm with Zoso. You don't need permission from anyone here to contact your ex and try to get your relationship going with him again. What is holding you back?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
zoso77,
Just chiming in here.......I personally find your input both compassionate and appropriately "to the point".
I think its refreshing sometimes to have someone tell it like it is. In one rehab my son was in, they had a counselor who had a "bullsh!t" button. This button was modeled after the Staples "Easy" button. When one of the addicts was sharing something in an inappropriate way/was full of it, the counselor would press the button, and it would say "BS"!! My son really respected that and spoke highly of it.
We as co-dependents are like the addict.....we need to be called out sometimes on things...we need an impartial person to give it to us straight and not coddle us or sugarcoat the situation.
Please continue to do what you do best. I for one find your contributions very valuable!
James - please let go. There is a member here (whose name currently escapes me) who talks about "strangely wrapped gifts". I think your ex moving on is one of those gifts. Please take care of you, and start looking forward, rather than backward to the past.
Just chiming in here.......I personally find your input both compassionate and appropriately "to the point".
I think its refreshing sometimes to have someone tell it like it is. In one rehab my son was in, they had a counselor who had a "bullsh!t" button. This button was modeled after the Staples "Easy" button. When one of the addicts was sharing something in an inappropriate way/was full of it, the counselor would press the button, and it would say "BS"!! My son really respected that and spoke highly of it.
We as co-dependents are like the addict.....we need to be called out sometimes on things...we need an impartial person to give it to us straight and not coddle us or sugarcoat the situation.
Please continue to do what you do best. I for one find your contributions very valuable!
James - please let go. There is a member here (whose name currently escapes me) who talks about "strangely wrapped gifts". I think your ex moving on is one of those gifts. Please take care of you, and start looking forward, rather than backward to the past.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove
zoso77,
Just chiming in here.......I personally find your input both compassionate and appropriately "to the point".
I think its refreshing sometimes to have someone tell it like it is. In one rehab my son was in, they had a counselor who had a "bullsh!t" button. This button was modeled after the Staples "Easy" button. When one of the addicts was sharing something in an inappropriate way/was full of it, the counselor would press the button, and it would say "BS"!! My son really respected that and spoke highly of it.
We as co-dependents are like the addict.....we need to be called out sometimes on things...we need an impartial person to give it to us straight and not coddle us or sugarcoat the situation.
Please continue to do what you do best. I for one find your contributions very valuable!
Just chiming in here.......I personally find your input both compassionate and appropriately "to the point".
I think its refreshing sometimes to have someone tell it like it is. In one rehab my son was in, they had a counselor who had a "bullsh!t" button. This button was modeled after the Staples "Easy" button. When one of the addicts was sharing something in an inappropriate way/was full of it, the counselor would press the button, and it would say "BS"!! My son really respected that and spoke highly of it.
We as co-dependents are like the addict.....we need to be called out sometimes on things...we need an impartial person to give it to us straight and not coddle us or sugarcoat the situation.
Please continue to do what you do best. I for one find your contributions very valuable!
But guess what? In my case, I didn't die. And if there was anything good that came out of the debacle with my AXGF, it taught me to see people for who and what they really are. So when I look back at the girl I thought I would marry, I see things I wasn't able or wasn't willing to see before. Talk about the halo effect. And to this day, she still pops up in my dreams.
There is no avoiding pain or trauma in this life when it comes to romantic love. At some point, someone will rip our heart out and stomp on it. It's up to us how we respond to that event. If we allow someone to have inordinate power over us, we allow ourselves to be stuck. Or we can choose to push forward. That doesn't mean we won't feel pain, or we won't feel a sense of loss, because we will. What it does mean, however, by taking our power back, we decide how we want to live our lives.
To me, that lesson and that message is universal, one that goes beyond FFSA and is applicable in our day to day lives. Practicing it gives us confidence. And when our confidence builds, we soon understand that whatever life throws at us, we'll be OK.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
I guess I would just like to believe that it was more of a decision based on drugs than a personal one. And I would never pursue a married man. I simply meant to message him and let him know that I'd be there for him if he ever wanted to seek recovery. Because I still care about him. Does he deserve it? Hell no. But it's not easy to shut off my feelings 
. And aren't these individuals sick? Or is that giving excuses?
I may be wrong, but Zoso77 -- didn't you once tell me that their relationship was based on nothing more than drugs and hitting their pleasure principal, and that it would surely implode on itself one day down the line? Just asking.
. And aren't these individuals sick? Or is that giving excuses? I may be wrong, but Zoso77 -- didn't you once tell me that their relationship was based on nothing more than drugs and hitting their pleasure principal, and that it would surely implode on itself one day down the line? Just asking.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
James - I want to say first that I am very sorry for your pain. Many of us have been in the same spot as you and know how very hard it is to not only deal with a breakup, but the betrayal it can make you feel that the addict just goes on with their life as if you never existed, so to speak.
And you are correct, YES, they are sick. However, sometimes we find that once the drugs/addiction is removed, the person has underlying personality disorders or just plain isn't a good person/fit for us. I am experiencing it right now. My ex abf is about 8 months sober, cut me off to hook up with a girl in rehab and treats me worse than ever, still is a compulsive liar..I could go on but you know what I'm saying. And even though I know all the reasons why I should be happy it's over, that I "dodged a bullet", etc., it hurts....like hell!
The advice given to me and that is always shared here is, work on YOU. Have you tried Alanon or some face to face support group? It does help me process things, get my focus of my ex and deal with the anger and betrayal I feel, etc. I'm learning WHY I even was holding onto such a sick person that really never gave anything back in the relationship and still is not equipped to be an honest, responsible, loving partner. For me, it was partly my ego (I stuck by him, I'm a good person, how dare he do this to me, etc) and then part of it is that I am lonely. While he was in active addiction and rehab, I limited my social circle. All my focus was on HIM. Now, I am working on rebuilding my social circle and working on my life.
It was also said, if my ex wanted me in his life, he would have me in it. He KNOWS how I love him, etc. And, I used to think well, he just doesn't know what he's throwing away. But now, I believe he does know. I don't fit whatever his current "need" or "ideal" is, which is going to be a woman without an opinion and that let's him do as he pleases..won't call him on lies, etc.
Sorry if I am rambling....I just really feel for you. You seem to be "stuck" on your ex. But the sad part is, you are denying yourself the possibility of living a happy fulfilled life. You can't stop living by waiting on someone that "might" come back. It's just not fair to you.
One final note, we are here for support. We do understand where you are coming from and many have been there. And, sometimes the posts that are to the point and may seem a little harsh, are the ones that we need to hear the most. Please take care of you!
And you are correct, YES, they are sick. However, sometimes we find that once the drugs/addiction is removed, the person has underlying personality disorders or just plain isn't a good person/fit for us. I am experiencing it right now. My ex abf is about 8 months sober, cut me off to hook up with a girl in rehab and treats me worse than ever, still is a compulsive liar..I could go on but you know what I'm saying. And even though I know all the reasons why I should be happy it's over, that I "dodged a bullet", etc., it hurts....like hell!
The advice given to me and that is always shared here is, work on YOU. Have you tried Alanon or some face to face support group? It does help me process things, get my focus of my ex and deal with the anger and betrayal I feel, etc. I'm learning WHY I even was holding onto such a sick person that really never gave anything back in the relationship and still is not equipped to be an honest, responsible, loving partner. For me, it was partly my ego (I stuck by him, I'm a good person, how dare he do this to me, etc) and then part of it is that I am lonely. While he was in active addiction and rehab, I limited my social circle. All my focus was on HIM. Now, I am working on rebuilding my social circle and working on my life.
It was also said, if my ex wanted me in his life, he would have me in it. He KNOWS how I love him, etc. And, I used to think well, he just doesn't know what he's throwing away. But now, I believe he does know. I don't fit whatever his current "need" or "ideal" is, which is going to be a woman without an opinion and that let's him do as he pleases..won't call him on lies, etc.
Sorry if I am rambling....I just really feel for you. You seem to be "stuck" on your ex. But the sad part is, you are denying yourself the possibility of living a happy fulfilled life. You can't stop living by waiting on someone that "might" come back. It's just not fair to you.
One final note, we are here for support. We do understand where you are coming from and many have been there. And, sometimes the posts that are to the point and may seem a little harsh, are the ones that we need to hear the most. Please take care of you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
This will be my final contribution to this thread.
Yup. And I stand by that statement.
Is it possible I may wrong? Of course it is. But again, what does this have to do with you? His behavior and his choices have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
Following that same logic, your behavior and your choices is all about you. So is your thinking. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you hold a candle for someone a reasonable person would charitably call an a$$hole. Why don't you want better for yourself? What is it about this person makes you hold on to the possibility that he's going to someday wake up and say, Oh, my God...I made the biggest mistake in the world by leaving him! What evidence is there that he's going to do that? What evidence is there he's taking responsibility for his choices? Plus, he's married. However messed up and dysfunctional that may be, he's married, and you do not have the right to insert yourself into his marriage. How would you feel if, for example, you got married one day and your spouse's ex stuck his nose in your marriage?
You said you came here for support, and you didn't appreciate the way I brought the hammer down on your hard the other day. Well, James, paraphrasing a scene from Top Gun between Viper and Maverick after Goose died, it is not my job to blow sunshine up someone's backside, and I would not be supporting you if I did. In my view, I'm being exceedingly kind, and that's because I'm telling you the truth.
You're free to disregard anything and everything I tell you. I won't take it personally. But if the support you're looking for is permission to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong in the face of overwhelming evidence that it's over, I'm not your guy.
Best of luck to you going forward.
I may be wrong, but Zoso77 -- didn't you once tell me that their relationship was based on nothing more than drugs and hitting their pleasure principal, and that it would surely implode on itself one day down the line? Just asking.
Is it possible I may wrong? Of course it is. But again, what does this have to do with you? His behavior and his choices have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
Following that same logic, your behavior and your choices is all about you. So is your thinking. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you hold a candle for someone a reasonable person would charitably call an a$$hole. Why don't you want better for yourself? What is it about this person makes you hold on to the possibility that he's going to someday wake up and say, Oh, my God...I made the biggest mistake in the world by leaving him! What evidence is there that he's going to do that? What evidence is there he's taking responsibility for his choices? Plus, he's married. However messed up and dysfunctional that may be, he's married, and you do not have the right to insert yourself into his marriage. How would you feel if, for example, you got married one day and your spouse's ex stuck his nose in your marriage?
You said you came here for support, and you didn't appreciate the way I brought the hammer down on your hard the other day. Well, James, paraphrasing a scene from Top Gun between Viper and Maverick after Goose died, it is not my job to blow sunshine up someone's backside, and I would not be supporting you if I did. In my view, I'm being exceedingly kind, and that's because I'm telling you the truth.
You're free to disregard anything and everything I tell you. I won't take it personally. But if the support you're looking for is permission to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong in the face of overwhelming evidence that it's over, I'm not your guy.
Best of luck to you going forward.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think “rejection” seems to be less hurtful when we can pinpoint a cause like drug usage, drinking something other than ourselves. THEN if we can solve the cause we can fix the relationship.
We can’t be nicer, better looking, make more money, change our hair, fill our face with fillers, buy new clothes, drink more, party more, drink less, party less, drive a better car, live in a better place…………..then they will love us.
Healthy REAL life doesn’t work like that, we are who we are and they are who they are and if that mix isn’t working for either person then the relationship ends.
He is a drug user you are not, it’s that simple…………..oil and water………..oil and water…….the two of you just don’t mix.
We can’t be nicer, better looking, make more money, change our hair, fill our face with fillers, buy new clothes, drink more, party more, drink less, party less, drive a better car, live in a better place…………..then they will love us.
Healthy REAL life doesn’t work like that, we are who we are and they are who they are and if that mix isn’t working for either person then the relationship ends.
He is a drug user you are not, it’s that simple…………..oil and water………..oil and water…….the two of you just don’t mix.
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