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Here I am... again... any help is appreciated

Old 05-12-2015, 05:15 AM
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Here I am... again... any help is appreciated

I almost feel embarrassed ... ashamed, perhaps.

Here I am, again. Last time I visited these forums was February, 2014. All I can think at this point is wow, had I stayed sober, it would be over a year without a drink. That's an incredible thought, and I wish I would have had the strength to continue with my previous sobriety (which was seven days).

About six months ago, the most I went without having a drink, was 10 days. I was previously drinking about 9-10 mixed drinks per day, years ago. Six months ago I cut that to 4-5 per day... about 3 months ago I cut that to only beer, about 4-5 per day. But this has got to stop. I'm killing myself.

I'm ranting and rambling here - apologies for that. I could just really use some help to quit. I've tried places like AA, I've tried reading books about quitting ... I still seem to slip back into the same old habits. But the truth is, like I said, I AM killing myself. I'm barely 30 years old and I have to take blood pressure medicine. My liver ensyme (ALT level) was 187. The average is 5-45... so that's super startling.

If I don't quit this crap, I'm going to cut my lifespan. And with children in the house, I am determined to find a way. I have to.

I just feel like I can't be happy without the alcohol. And I'm sure many of you have felt that way before. What did you do to help you overcome and adapt to the changes? What made you find happiness again? I try to even do some of the old hobbies I used to love (build model kits, build LEGO sets, bicycle for miles on the beach, etc.) and it's just meh - all I can think is how much better it would be with a beer in my hand.

If anyone can please help... to provide any insight... or any suggestions for hobbies, or how to find happiness again, I'd much appreciate it

(random note: I went on celexa about 3 months ago because my doctor had suggested it. I was only on it about 6 weeks before I decided to come off. It was making me feel 'happier', but I was having terrible moments of being hot, sometimes increased anxiety, etc. I don't want to be on a med and addicted to something else - just want to find the natural way to be happy!)
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by pleasehelpmeout View Post
If I don't quit this crap, I'm going to cut my lifespan. And with children in the house, I am determined to find a way. I have to.

This is the exact realization I came to. So far this and my realization that alcohol is poison has motivated me to stay sober.
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:25 AM
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Welcome back.

Originally Posted by pleasehelpmeout View Post
I just feel like I can't be happy without the alcohol.
BOOM! - you phrased it prefectly!
It is JUST a FEELING.

What does your rational/thinking mind tell you about that feeling? Mine tells me that feeling is irrational. Because it is!

That doesn't mean it isn't a real feeling - but it is just a feeling. I have dozens (maybe hundreds) a day I don't act upon. I feel like seeing that woman nekkid. I feel like running that driver into the ditch. I feel like smashing my stupid work computer. I feel like drinking.

Somehow I am managing to have a happy life doing other things. What other things do you enjoy doing?

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Old 05-12-2015, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by waywardson8260 View Post
This is the exact realization I came to. So far this and my realization that alcohol is poison has motivated me to stay sober.
It truly is. I puked on ONE mixed drink a few nights ago, I was shocked, considering I used to be able to hold that down, x10, just fine. Then I Remembered how can I be shocked about this? It's poison. The body is always refusing it - it's just sometimes we have food or water in our system to help process it and break it down. But at the end of the day, the body doesn't want it because it's not designed to be in our bodies!

We wouldn't drink windex, so why drink alcohol? Same thing!
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
Welcome back.


BOOM! - you phrased it prefectly!
It is JUST a FEELING.

What does your rational/thinking mind tell you about that feeling? Mine tells me that feeling is irrational. Because it is!

That doesn't mean it isn't a real feeling - but it is just a feeling. I have dozens (maybe hundreds) a day I don't act upon. I feel like seeing that woman nekkid. I feel like running that driver into the ditch. I feel like smashing my stupid work computer. I feel like drinking.

Somehow I am managing to have a happy life doing other things. What other things do you enjoy doing?

Great point Well, many of the things I enjoy doing could easily center around drinking (i.e. - playing poker, I love love playing cards at the casino - but I'll have to skip that one for now)

I'm not really certain. Maybe I should look into finding some new hobbies.
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:31 AM
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I struggled a bit at first, as well - finding new things to do that didn't involve drinking. But, I did have a life before drinking took it over, and I had been happy then. What was I doing then? That's where I found a few answers about things to do now that don't involve drinking.
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:47 AM
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I think it takes patience to find happiness in early recovery. I was a few weeks into it before I started to enjoy much of anything. And, there will always be sad, difficult times in your life too that you can learn to deal with without alcohol.
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Old 05-12-2015, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by pleasehelpmeout View Post
It truly is. I puked on ONE mixed drink a few nights ago, I was shocked, considering I used to be able to hold that down, x10, just fine. Then I Remembered how can I be shocked about this? It's poison. The body is always refusing it - it's just sometimes we have food or water in our system to help process it and break it down. But at the end of the day, the body doesn't want it because it's not designed to be in our bodies!
I got to this point too...and for me at least it was a pretty ominous sign. Your body can take a lot of abuse but only so much, and reduced tolerance is a pretty clear indicator that your body might be getting close to the point of no return. I'd recommend seeing your doctor if you have the means to do so, just to make sure that everything is physically OK. Your doc may also have some recommendations for local options for support ( counseling, outpatient rehab, etc... ).
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Old 05-12-2015, 06:44 AM
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One of the things I have noticed, is you don't have many posts. I would encourage you to spend more time here. I have learned so much from everyone here in terms of different tools (AVRT, HALT, etc) to use to stay sober and wouldn't be where I am at in terms of my sober time without this site.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by pleasehelpmeout View Post
I just feel like I can't be happy without the alcohol.
Frankly, you don't know if you can't be happy. You haven't been sober enough.

Early recovery isn't a joyride. It's tough. And you have to be tough, and not worry about finding instant gratification.

Quit drinking, recover from the alcohol abuse, and lo, you just might find out you are happy.

And as for the celexa, it probably wasn't working if you were drinking on it. Once you quit, and if you are depressed, reach out to your doctor.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:30 AM
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Welcome back to SR. I never thought I could be happy without a drink in my hand. I'd trained myself to expect that. Once I stopped drinking, I've been working to train myself back to enjoying life without alcohol. I had fun as a kid. I didn't drink when I had fun riding my bike or playing tag. Or hanging out with friends. I can train myself to enjoy life again but only if I stop drinking.

Stopping is tough but to get to the good stuff I had to go through a bit of pain to get there. It's worth it. Hang out here. It's worth it.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:38 AM
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Quitting drinking can be very tough in the beginning. It's a lot like walking up a grueling hill to get to the top but if you keep going and don't give up the view at the top is amazing and a great new world comes into view.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:49 AM
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Along with what others have been saying, just because you aren't happy doing sober things right NOW, doesn't mean you won't be happy doing them eventually. Life kind of sucks right after quitting drinking, right? I mean, maybe you get a momentary high here and there knowing you are taking control of your life, but still. You are relearning how to live! It's going to take some time, some real time, to adjust to that. Eventually you won't feel like you are depriving yourself. Eventually your moods will even out from the crazy mood swings alcohol brings out in all of us. So try to remember that when you are feeling down, that this is part of the process. And the only way it will keep sucking, is if you keep having to quit again. Because day 1 sucks and so does day 2. Let's try to avoid having to re-do those days because they only get worse. But all the other days, they can get better!

Good luck and stay strong. Sounds like you have a lot of good stuff in your life to focus on. Just give yourself time and do what you can to keep busy, even if the busy stuff is boring right now.
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:18 AM
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Pleasehelpmeout, good job on coming back here and for realizing you need to quit. It took me 20+ years of heavy drinking before I decided to quit. By that time, I was diagnosed with fatty liver disease, was drinking over a case of beer each day or a box of wine a day, had been on blood pressure meds since 29, was overweight, had a bright red face 24/7. I too was killing myself, but didn't know how to stop!

You do have the power to quit. Like other's have said, quitting is tough and your body will go through major adjustments; both mentally and physically. You've got to be 100% committed, make a plan, stick close to your support group(s), etc.

For me, SR is the only support group I use. Early on, I was online as much as I could be each day and night. It helped me tremendously to be active here.

You will learn and adjust to sobriety with time. Trust me, I didn't think I would be happy without booze, but the opposite happened... I am happier now than I have been in years. Life still has its ups and downs, but you will enjoy all of the simple things more. No more anxiety about drinking, your health will improve; I was able to go off of my BP meds with about 4 months sober time, liver made a full recovery, lost 30 lbs...

You can do this. It will be an adjustment, but you can make it and all of the effort is so worth the outcome! Trust me and others on this, but you have to put forth the effort to make it through to see those benefits.

Lean on this group as much as you need. We are here to help each other.
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Frankly, you don't know if you can't be happy. You haven't been sober enough.

Early recovery isn't a joyride. It's tough. And you have to be tough, and not worry about finding instant gratification.

Quit drinking, recover from the alcohol abuse, and lo, you just might find out you are happy.

And as for the celexa, it probably wasn't working if you were drinking on it. Once you quit, and if you are depressed, reach out to your doctor.
Thank you
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawk07 View Post
Quitting drinking can be very tough in the beginning. It's a lot like walking up a grueling hill to get to the top but if you keep going and don't give up the view at the top is amazing and a great new world comes into view.
made me cry, honestly.

you're so right.
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Old 05-12-2015, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by KeepTruckin View Post
Along with what others have been saying, just because you aren't happy doing sober things right NOW, doesn't mean you won't be happy doing them eventually. Life kind of sucks right after quitting drinking, right? I mean, maybe you get a momentary high here and there knowing you are taking control of your life, but still. You are relearning how to live! It's going to take some time, some real time, to adjust to that. Eventually you won't feel like you are depriving yourself. Eventually your moods will even out from the crazy mood swings alcohol brings out in all of us. So try to remember that when you are feeling down, that this is part of the process. And the only way it will keep sucking, is if you keep having to quit again. Because day 1 sucks and so does day 2. Let's try to avoid having to re-do those days because they only get worse. But all the other days, they can get better!

Good luck and stay strong. Sounds like you have a lot of good stuff in your life to focus on. Just give yourself time and do what you can to keep busy, even if the busy stuff is boring right now.
Thank you! I really do have a lot of great things. I have an awesome wife, two great children, the perfect job (work from home with my own business and have for years), a nice place to live ... I really am blessed.

How long do you think it will take before my normal mood comes back? Before this drug-induced depression leaves? Do you think I could see an improvement in just a few weeks sober?

How do those of you that are around the 2-4 week mark feel right now?
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by ccam1973 View Post
Pleasehelpmeout, good job on coming back here and for realizing you need to quit. It took me 20+ years of heavy drinking before I decided to quit. By that time, I was diagnosed with fatty liver disease, was drinking over a case of beer each day or a box of wine a day, had been on blood pressure meds since 29, was overweight, had a bright red face 24/7. I too was killing myself, but didn't know how to stop!

You do have the power to quit. Like other's have said, quitting is tough and your body will go through major adjustments; both mentally and physically. You've got to be 100% committed, make a plan, stick close to your support group(s), etc.

For me, SR is the only support group I use. Early on, I was online as much as I could be each day and night. It helped me tremendously to be active here.

You will learn and adjust to sobriety with time. Trust me, I didn't think I would be happy without booze, but the opposite happened... I am happier now than I have been in years. Life still has its ups and downs, but you will enjoy all of the simple things more. No more anxiety about drinking, your health will improve; I was able to go off of my BP meds with about 4 months sober time, liver made a full recovery, lost 30 lbs...

You can do this. It will be an adjustment, but you can make it and all of the effort is so worth the outcome! Trust me and others on this, but you have to put forth the effort to make it through to see those benefits.

Lean on this group as much as you need. We are here to help each other.
Thank you so much. That really hits home, especially since the situation you were in is almost exactly like what I'm in , currently. That's awesome that you were able to get off the BP meds. I was hoping I could do the same one day as well. I didn't think it was necessarily normal for me to be on them at my age, and I know the increased BP is due to 8+ years of heavy drinking, daily.

I've actually gained 50 lbs since I started drinking. Granted, I needed it, because I previously weighed 130 lol, but I'd be more than happy to shed some of this new beer fat

I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad to have everyone's support
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:06 AM
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I joined a gym when I quit and lost 40 pounds and gained quite a bit of positive self-esteem from looking great and feeling good.

The exercise really helped me deal with the depression and cravings.
What about trying something like that?
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:20 AM
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Welcome back. What I read in your post is that you are not happy now. And yet you say you can't be happy WITHOUT alcohol. This is the insanity of the addiction.

What will you do to change the emotional link link between a desired feeling (happiness) and an entrenched behaviour (drinking)? That's the key question. It's going to take time and effort but it's so worth it. You will know a happiness you never imagined if you rebuild your life without addiction.
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