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Old 05-11-2015, 11:30 PM
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Gosh, I've thought about this it tumbles through my mind a lot. Honestly, I've been given gift in that my threads are never ignored, I've seen lots of bastardized threads, and honestly feel bad that I get traction and they struggle to get a reply or two. Especially the true newcomer.

That being said, I have lots of people pushing for inpatient with me. I toil with the idea of inpatient, but also think what value does separating myself from my family and life have to do with sobriety? I really feel like if someone really wants to be sober they will get sober regardless of being housed or otherwise.

I think about AA, I've been involved with AA a lot lately they are the only game in town with lots of meetings and a program. I struggle with the religious part of it.

I like counseling, but most of the counselors I've considered only listen and give ideas and thoughts that are hatched on this site daily.

I suppose on my part there needs to be buy in, and believe me I try to buy in. But really after all this time I struggle with the buy, the commitment and know what to do exactly. Strange, I can recieve literally thousands of voices of support, and still feel like I am on stage one of recovery. Not true, I've made huge improvements, but doesn't mean life is improving because I still not doing exactly what I should be doing.
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Old 05-11-2015, 11:41 PM
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Don't worry about other peoples threads Jeremy.

Support is not finite here, the memebers are great - and I and Anna and the greeters make especially sure that every thread gets a reply, to the best of our abilities

As far as 'buying in', I think that's directly related to how much you, really deep down, no BS, want change.

D
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Old 05-11-2015, 11:49 PM
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Dee I know you've read everyone of my threads with a compassionate heart and an open mind and my many pm's with you. You know and I both know that I don't listen, I hear what I want to hear and proceed with what I ' think'.

Clearly that doesn't work, so a completely unbiased, totally raw question, without trying to censor one thing, and you know my complete situation. What do you think I should do, I don't know anymore, inpatient, outpatient, AA I struggle with it all. Like I said earlier, I have no coping mechanism , I suppose I could give a lot of air to what I am doing, but deep down I kind of even sabotage those things.

What then its like riding a ticking time bomb, with someone that wants the answers but doesn't accept the answers given. Crazy right? I even know its crazy, but the cycle of whatever continues. Today is day 10 again, I even doubt my own long term success this time. I can do 10 to 20 days easy these days, but it always beckons and I always answer with a resounding yes.

I actually think a lot of people struggle with this very issue, so my friend I feel comfortable asking this question publicly, what do we tweeners do, those that aren't quite sober, but aren't raging drunkards do?
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Old 05-11-2015, 11:59 PM
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I've suggested inpatient many times. I think it would do you a power of good to get away from 'being TDG'.

But only you know whether you'd really buckle down in rehab or whether you'd try and buck the system.

I can only tell you what not to do.

This is what I did - avoid doing anything much , and keep drinking - eventually you'll lose everything you hold dear and you'll find yourself at such a low ebb that 6 months Salvation Army rehab or 90 AA meetings in 90 days sounds the best offer you've ever had.

you know the old song 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone?'

I've lived that Jeremy.

I was a player and a manipulator and a charmer. I thought I could find a way to stay being that guy, drink as much as I liked, and not have bad things happen.

That was a wholly unsustainable fantasy.

Sooner or later you have to make some choices about change, and about who you want to be and what you want your life to be like.

I really recommend you make those choices now and not in 10 or 20 years time, Jeremy.

D
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:10 AM
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Honestly the inpatient kind of loses me, my wife is my support group and best friend. A little background when I was committed in October, I honestly thought the secret to life was in the cuppboard and that I needed to get to the local to find numbers 46 and 2 they were the secret to life.

The voices surrounded me, and I was completely lost, completely delusional and Melissa is the only voice I knew noticed. I am reluctant to do inpatient because through it all she is the only person that rode the storm with me and knows my unique situation.

Without her, I honestly don't know where I would be, a good women a very good women I am glad to have in my life. But with that I cling to her, she is my sanity and anchor on some level.

That being said, she still thinks I need to get sober and need help, and she has already eclipsed the 90 day mark sober. She thinks that, thought I have mental issues, I have medication and support I deny or don't take. She doesn't want to be an hinderance, but also knows that schizophrenia is no joke, and doesn't know where to go from there! Neither do I, she is my anchor.
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:17 AM
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Yes I am talking about a psychotic episode, little clarification, I really in my heart of hearts felt that the secret to life was in the cupboard, that I only needed to understand what " they wanted" and I would be ok. I was directed to go to the field next to my house and find 46 and 2 and bring them back, and I would fine peace. I don't say that often, only my psychologist, wife a few friends, and now you guys know. Without medication I am a mess, but thats what I deal with, no medication and they will comeback. I fear that daily
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:29 AM
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Honestly the inpatient kind of loses me, my wife is my support group and best friend.
Actually I think it gains you a whole new support system and a 'toolbox' that at the moment you haven't got.

But like I said, noone can convince you to do something if you don't want to - but you need to do something Jeremy..

I know you're schizophrenic. You're not alone in that even here at SR.

It's an added complication sure but it shouldn't stop you getting or staying sober, especially if you keep taking those meds

D
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:33 AM
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I hear an awful lot of thinking,

Sometimes thinking about stuff just let me procrastinate for another day or another week .

Sobriety is something you do , not something you think .

Your not unique to have schizophrenia and a drinking problem, a lot of schizophrenics chain smoke too .

We can all be experts in what the councillors say , we can learn all about every recovery method.
Thinking and knowledge only get you so far, in the end you have to do recovery .

In-patient might be good because you get to meet other people and see what they are dealing with , they will make sure you take your med's regularly .

Alcohol and schizophrenia love us to isolate so they can take full run and control over our lives , i hope you deny them taking any more time from you than you have to .

I hope you knuckle down and do your recovery work ,

Take care , m
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:33 AM
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I say that often, sorry its really become part of me and I don't really feel understood. Its a scary creepy place I wish on nobody, without medication life becomes a very scary troublesome place. Sanity is askew, actually my medication stand point isn't great but good, so lately I've laid off of it, its not an excuse rather complimenting my situation.

If you are schizophrenic love to here from you, I am on olanzapine gaining lots of weight, Geo don didn't work for me. Or not as well as olanzapine.
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:49 AM
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I'm not schizophrenic yet .. never know about tomorrow though eh ?

I do have mum and 2 of her brothers who deal with it though , mums meds are a bit like knock out drops for about 4 hours after she takes em twice a day.
they get her through ..
Mum has given up smoking , given up drinking , one of my uncles too .. you can do it too, i recon ..

m
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:33 AM
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take your meds. get into treatment. don't drink.

repeat. until it sticks.
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Old 05-12-2015, 05:41 AM
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Oh Mecanix you have no idea, once I take one of my pills I have about 30 min, to an hour to get to bed and its quite overwhelming. Its knock out juice, not much can be done for the person either all of the anti psychotic class is like that.
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Old 05-12-2015, 06:38 AM
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When I saw the latest threads in the TDG saga I thought, here we go again.
I wonder how many others say to themselves the same exact thing.
I have no words of wisdom and I doubt that anything I say at all will make a difference. But I'm not 100% sure I am wasting my time reaching out to you J. You're a smart feller. There is something I've been wondering about. Is someone else outside of this forum hearing all of this? What I mean, is there a counselor you speak to face to face that is getting all of what you share here? Who is prescribing your medications? I'm sure you don't just go the walgreens and ask them for a bottle of pills or whatever.
A few things have been going through my mind. Why don't you sit down with your counselor and open up and share your SR postings with that person? Seriously. An hour or two of just having a mental health professional just read what you post here might open up a few new doors. Just a thought.

Another thing I thought about is watching cartoons. I was thinking of George Jetson getting stuck on his treadmill asking Jane to, "Stop this crazy thing." Jane or nobody else can stop it for him.
Then I thought of the cartoons where the character falls over the edge of a cliff and on the way down grabs hold of a plant growing out of the side of the rock face. Sometimes the branch breaks and they keep falling, but they continue to reach for branches and eventually just before they hit the ground the branch holds and saves them. I'm afraid you are soon going to run out of branches to grab onto. I'm not sure you actually want to stop the fall.
I don't know what you are hoping to get from posting here. Sometimes I think it's for your own amusement purposes. That stunt you pulled a few months ago was pretty much it for me. So many people have been reaching out to offer help and you thumbed your nose at them. This is not a ******* game. I hope you are able to come to that realization very soon.
Someone posted a video in your other thread and I didn't want to post a video after that.

So if you feel like dancing and having a little fun, why not dance to this? When you finish dancing and enjoying the funkiness of it, listen to the words and try to figure out what it means.

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Old 05-12-2015, 07:08 AM
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Jeff is my good friend, we talk outside of Sober Recovery. What I did in the past wasn't so much of a a stunt. It was a situation I didn't know how to back out of, I never knew so many were following my story at some juncture I wanted people to feel like I was making progress because I was asking for help. Long over in my mind, but if it offends or someone is harboring anger I understand. I've long apologized for it, but if you or anyone would like to talk to me about it privately I will. I am not a bad guy, I don't bite I promise I am nice.

The counselor and psychiatrist are working with. The current problem revolves around eliminating symptoms and also have a good quality of life. Olanzapine has a history of putting people to sleep. Without it I hear #$#@ that doesn't exist, even with it I need a certain dose or I still have problems. Thats all being played with, and I suppose we will find a median.

Actually despite much of what is said in my threads, or what you might here, I want to stop. I post here as a form of support I am far from a perfect individual. I am a bit off, medicated Jeremy and unmedicated Jeremy are different folks, as is drinking jeremy and sober Jeremy or acid Jeremy.

I've posted with every Jeremy, actually there is one post out there where I was extremely drunk and high and asked for it to be removed but it still exist.

What I expect from posting here. Support here, a ear to listen, someone that knows my story and tells me hey look you gotta do this... I don't always listen, I know that, everyone here knows that.

Outside of SR, I gotta say most think I am off a bit. I am strange, I am a oddity of sorts in person. I hang out in my apartment, Melissa ( my wife) and I watch lots of documentaries and I love reading and writing. I post a lot of writings anonymously online, I don't want credit I just like seeing the accolades.

I find support with a close nit group of friend I've developed online. They all know my back story, and all have forgiven me.

You spoke of hope, I don't know what it is I am hoping for, I guess an ear a person someone to relate too, also someone might be reading and say I hey I did all of that stuff, and I am schizophrenic I am not alone.

From a professional standpoint, I am on a lot of peoples radars. The state mental hospitals, CPS, private docs, monitored by my wife. There is a lot of contact, I just do my thing, you know I a bit paranoid and stuff.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:50 AM
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Jeremy, I will only say that I am 100% sure that your wife would support your being inpatient and away from your family if you use that time to get sober, and get your meds worked out. It's not shameful to need medication. It's a reality, and that is ok. You know that drinking does not work, it never will. It's dangerous to mix with your meds, and it has led to destruction in your life.

So yes, you would be separated from your family at inpatient. I am betting she would rather separate from you b/c you are inpatient than having to leave b/c she cannot handle your life choices.

I am sorry to be blunt. I mean no disrespect or harm. I know you can do this. You have done it before. Sobriety and getting your meds worked out has to be #1 in your life so that everything else can work for you. Your meds will never be effective if you don't take them on a regular basis, or drink with them, or abuse them. You have to commit 100% to your health and well being.

We are here, supporting you. We know you can do it, you just need to have faith in yourself too!

Hugs to you.
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Old 05-12-2015, 09:16 AM
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If you could think your way through this, it would have worked by now. I am a paralysis by analysis person too and its been the biggest block to positive change in my life.
Keep it simple and take massive action toward your goal of sobriety. Take your meds and go to inpatient.
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Old 05-12-2015, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy View Post
I really feel like if someone really wants to be sober they will get sober regardless of being housed or otherwise.
If there's one thing I've learnt here on SR Jeremy, is that there are many different methods to getting Sober, there isn't a 1 size fits all, why? because every method doesn't work for everyone.

I don't know why or how that is? but some methods work for some and some don't, it can't be all boiled down to simple willpower and a want to be Sober, I'm never done replying to threads regarding what are people doing other than good intentions!!

So the method is really important, and finding a method that works for each person is the challenge, unfortunately as I say one size in my experience of listening and having my eyes opened to different stories of recovery, does not fit all!!
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Old 05-12-2015, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy

I really feel like if someone really wants to be sober they will get sober regardless of being housed or otherwise.
Well???
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Old 05-12-2015, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy View Post
Without medication I am a mess, but thats what I deal with, no medication and they will comeback. I fear that daily
Jeremy, why do you even consider not having medications? The psychotic breaks with reality are mitigated by taking the meds as a regular routine, and by not messing with the effectiveness of the meds by drinking alcohol. There is nothing to fear with the meds keeping your brain chemistry in as healthy a balance as possible.

You have several essential responsibilities. Take your meds routinely, and report truthfully to your doctor as to how well you are doing so they can be tweaked. Don't drink alcohol in any amounts for any reasons. Alcohol will mess with your meds, and they will become useless in helping you staying in reality. The more you mess with alcohol and your meds, the more breaks with reality you are going to have. It's not personal. It's science.

You're a smart enough guy to already know all the above truths, Jeremy. As you know, I too dealt with schizophrenia while drinking, and I had no better outcomes than you have had. When I stopped drinking in a supervised detox and did 3 months of rehab, things changed like night and day. I've been sober and sane for decades now since quitting.

When you say you fear it daily, I can't help but think you're not really giving the whole story here. Plenty of meds likely work well enough today to relief you from psychotic breaks, so no worries there. Alcohol is not good for you with or without a mental illness, so quitting will really help you there too.

So, the only reason why I can see how you might be fearful each day is you still haven't taken, or intend to soon take, clear actions to stabilize your meds and quit drinking. I don't mean to sound harsh, but nonetheless it is seriously time to become responsible for yourself.
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Old 05-13-2015, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy View Post
Oh Mecanix you have no idea, once I take one of my pills I have about 30 min, to an hour to get to bed and its quite overwhelming. Its knock out juice, not much can be done for the person either all of the anti psychotic class is like that.
Jeremy you might recall I decided to post a bunch of moths ago in response to your question about antipsychotics.

It is simply not true that the entire class of antipsychotics cause heavy sedatiation. If olanzapine's side effect profile is giving you issues- there are a bunch of others to choose from. (And as I've mentioned from the begining injectables which will give you 30 days of meds in your system at a time).
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