theuncertainty

I think I'm finally free. I'm still trying so hard not to get my hopes up....
AXH emailed me today with his new address, which is in Cali with the new GF. He said it meant a lot to him and the family to see DS at XFIL's service, too much time had passed and he misses [his] boy. That he loves him more than life.

It make me feel like vomiting. It makes me mad and sick. He didn't recognize DS. He is the one not doing what the court says he needs to do to see DS. He is the &@#% who hasn't paid any child support in months and no part of his share of DS's medical bills in YEARS.

[quote/]like how could you do nothing
and say, I'm doing my best
-Ani Difranco, Done Wrong[/quote]

It makes me mad that DS is "his boy". Not our son. HIS.

Once again, he'll not be dealing with any of the fall out. I have to tell DS and watch his heart break further.

I'm free.... ? He's thousands of miles away. I no longer have to be afraid of running into him, of worrying he found out where we lived and that I'd find him at our front door, drunk and angry. We can hike any of the area trails, and I won't have to worry about running into him, or being followed out by him. I should feel so much lighter, but all I feel is mad and sick.

I'm not telling DS until the end of the week. Because then we can go out to my Dad's. Support for me and warm, strong hugs for DS from some one who doesn't have to be the bad guy and break the news.

theuncertainty

And in re-reading the email, I think some one else wrote it with him. The words about HIS son are his, but the rest uses words he'd never use, and it uses full sentences and appropriate capitalization, which he never does in his emails. He's more of the texting type writing at best. And he NEVER starts out any correspondence with my name. This one did. His new GF, most likely... But I know the message wasn't just him.

Thumper

I'm sorry TU. That just sucks all the way around.

Yes you are free. But I get it. That freedom comes with a price.

It doesn't seem right that people can walk through this life creating such a devastating legacy and get off the hook. Not just get off the hook - let themselves off the hook and then to get a bunch of meaningless drivel like that. ugh. Makes me sick too. I don't have answers but I have let it go. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for letting it go - like a good mother should be raising holy hell about it all - but there is not point. There just isn't. If I've learned anything I've learned that I can not get that man to be or do anything.

Enjoy your freedom. Enjoy the space to breath. It will shine through and your son will bask in it. I do believe that sometimes, for our kids, it is easier to have them move away than be around the corner.

Sending you and your ds strength, peace, and love.

Duckygirl1

((((Hugs))))

They let themselves off of the hook for everything. Probably did get help writing it. That's what his new enabler is for. Somewhere in his pickled brain he is father of the year just by virtue of him (or her) writing those lines. Not dealing in reality is their strong suit. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Many prayers for you and DS.

theuncertainty

Thank you, Thumper and Ducky. I've realized that I was expecting him to man-up and be a dad after he saw DS at XFIL's services. Letting go of the expectations that he'll do what he needs to do in order to be a dad is so, so hard.

In the e-mail, AXH also told me to keep him up to date on DS's "day to day activities" and gave me his phone number. (Contact is only supposed to be by e-mail, so why forward his phone number.)

My initial reaction is: WTF, um no. I let him know where DS is going to school and who his teacher is, I let him know when picture days are and forward the forms so he could order his own. (Which he apparently never did.) I forward scanned copies of report cards. But I am not his secretary. It is not my job to create the illusion of a relationship between him and our son. He is just as capable as I am of checking the school and class sites to see what's coming up and what's going on. If he want's to be in DS's life and more aware of what's going on, he can do what the court told him to do and make some sort of effort of his own.

I say (and write) all that, but I still worry... maybe I should do more than what I'm doing? Should I be telling him, DS is doing tennis, or signed up for a computer camp for a week? Because, that's what I think of when I read "day to day activities". Am I supposed to be doing that? Because the thought of it kind of freaks me out, even knowing AXH is in CA. I don't want him to know where DS and I'll be from 5:30-7 every Wednesday, or... especially when the court rescinded AXH's visitation because of his actions.

Thumper

You are doing everything you are expected or required to do TU.

You are right - he can check the sites, subscribe to the paper, make the phone calls etc. If he really wants to know what his son is doing he'd parent. Illusion was the perfect word and you are under zero obligation to participate in that illusion.

No worries. You could give your ex a minute by minute account of your son's day and it would not change your son's experience in the slightest.

firebolt

(((HUGS))) to you and DS.

lillamy

It's damn hard. I'm court-ordered to keep AXH updated on the kids, too -- and it's like... he's not allowed contact with them for a reason. So do I really have to tell him that A had a tooth pulled and B started a job in IT and C has the flu?

theuncertainty

(((Hugs))) Lillamy. I don't know why it's so hard to get away from the feeling that I owe AXH more.

Oh, well, that's not 100% true. I know it's tied into that knee-jerk reaction to try to keep him happy. And the panic I felt any time he threatened to take DS and run or that the court would side with him. (And probably to that stupid expectation of mine that he'll be a dad to DS.)

Can I admit I'm feeling a tiny bit smug now. I just forwarded the address to the case worker for child support enforcement so they can start whatever needs to be done for inter-state collection. If he thinks that moving several states away means he won't have to pay support, he'll eventually find out otherwise. It might take a while, but the process has started. I'm under no delusions that I'll actually get much of anything, but it feels good to be able to do _something_ instead of just waiting.

Aaaaaand now a I'm feeling a bit guilty, because once he knows the state is on to him, he'll be _mad_, which is likely to start making life h-ll for her. Sometimes I really wish I was the b- they (AXH and GFs) keep saying I am, because then I wouldn't immediately feel guilty for trying to get the support he should be paying to help take care of DS.

theuncertainty

Well, AXH at least remembers DS's birthday is coming up. The s--- can't pay child support or his part of DS's medical or dental, but can buy and ship a large present. Well, maybe he didn't; the name on the return address of the package was his dad's (who passed away earlier this year). I'm kind of guessing he might be using some of his dad's credit.... I don't know, obviously, but just kind of a feeling. And his sister and brother-in-law will love him for that.

The present. He's so out of touch. DS was just, "What do I do with this?....... It's nice, right? Yeah."

I don't know... I'm not surprised. I'm not even really mad.

DS is spending the night with my sister and his cousins tonight (no school tomorrow). My mom and auntie are here. DS is sure its solely for his birthday. (And no one will say otherwise.) We have a multitude of little plans for this weekend. And DS is excited about those. Beautiful boy.

Liveitwell

Good for you, TU. Keep on keeping on-you have nothing to feel guilty about. Out of touch, yep. I hope your little has a great birthday weekend!! Peace to you.

Btw-did you ever get child support?

FeelingGreat

Hi TU, I wouldn't blame you for vomiting either, with the contrast between his son being his 'life' and not actually supporting him in any way. I'm so glad your DS has such an awesome GF.

Funny about the EXAH having the girlfriend do his punctuation for him.

ladyscribbler

Happy birthday to your son. Hope he has a wonderful weekend.
I think I'll be relieved when my ex runs out of steam for his half-@$$ed "superdad" routine and just goes back to drinking himself to death full time. Trying to moderate his relationship (such as it is) with DS so that he can't accuse me of parental alienation or something equally ridiculous in our upcoming court hearing has been exhausting. Much more stressful than the year of no contact after we left.
Hugs to both of you. I know how awful this is. Sounds like you're handling it like a champ.

pookielou

I understand the conflict as I'm facing some of the same dilemmas. When I went to a hearing over custody modifications, XAH gave a sob story about how I won't tell him about our daughter's doctor appointments. When I have told him, he doesn't go. And he has chosen not to see her in 3 months (he lives 15 minutes away). Who benefits from him "knowing" all this stuff going on with his daughter? I've adopted the I don't care attitude and am not updating him on his daughter. XAH could call/text/email or something to inquire about the well being of his daughter and he doesn't. I no longer feel obligated and I am no longer living in fear that anything will come down on me legally as that would also require some sort of action from XAH. I just don't see it happening.

Good luck. Co-parenting, as far as I am concerned, doesn't happen with an active alcoholic. I'm choosing not to feel guilty about it. I can only control what I do and I'm trying to create the best life for my daughter that I can. It doesn't mean it's not hard when she asks me where her dad is or what he is doing. I don't have a good answer because I don't understand it myself. It sounds like you are making plans to have a great birthday for your DS. You are doing what you can. Keep up the good work. It's not easy being a single parent, let alone, trying to co-parent, with an addict.

theuncertainty

Thanks, all, for the birthday wishes for DS. (He's such an awesome kiddo!)

Forourgirls: Child support... AXH would make some payments through the divorce (the judge asked him why he wasn't paying). But he kept quitting his jobs or getting canned, so the state was always playing catch-him-if-they-can. Now that he lives out of state and, most likely still playing leap-jobs, I'm guessing the odds of my state catching up with him are negligible. They did start whatever inter-state file they do, so there may be a chance.

I am, however, fairly certain he'll play the same card with GF#2(?) that he played with GF#1 "I can't pay anything for the rent/mortgage this month. Can you make my car / motorcycle / insurance payment this month? TU's taking all my money." You should have heard GF#1 complain about me taking all his money so he couldn't help support his real family. I was taking so much of his money, according to him, that she wanted to deduct what she spent on clothes for DS from what AXH owed. Good luck explaining THAT to the state, here's their contact info, AXH has the case number. Stupidhead.

Ladyscribbler, I know. AXH actually did the same thing. He was effectively gone from our lives for a while after I left him. Then he found GF#1 and her kids and SuperDad showed up. GF#2 has at least one kid, but they're older (I hope); she's a relatively brand-new grandmother. Any way, she doesn't seem to be pushing for DS to "come stay" and I hope it stays that way. Wishing you continued strength while you deal with the weird superdad shenanigans ((((hugs)))).

theuncertainty

FeelingGreat, it's hilarious, the GF posing as AXH in e-mails. Like I don't know how he talks or writes after living with him 16 years. GF#1 did it, too. Where does he FIND these women? Oh, wait... I guess I did it, too. And for probably most of the time we were together. (Not that I was writing to other girls for him, but 'editing' his work correspondence before he'd send it, tweaking his resume and cover letters, etc.) I hope it means that I'm growing and working through that tendency since I can see it in myself and laugh.

theuncertainty

Pookielou, it sounds like you caught on a lot quicker than I did.

Liveitwell

I've learned I have to adjust my expectations (meaning lower them to almost nothing) when dealing with my XAH. That is reality.

theuncertainty

Yeah. I've constantly had to battle my own expectations with regards to AXH. Some are harder to let go of than others. I find, now, that most of the expectations of AXH that I have a hard time dropping are tied to DS. DS makes my heart sing. (Wild Thing -- or King of the Wild Things ) I would fight tooth and nail, do whatever court-ordered class, counseling, whatever, to continue to be in DS's life, and I find myself surprised nearly each time when AXH fails to do the same. But, it's getting easier, as time goes by, to shrug after I realize that I was still hoping.

ladyscribbler

Where do they come up with this stuff? Like we're all just one payment away from that solid gold toilet seat for our private jets.
My ex once demanded "an itemized invoice" of everything I was spending "his" cs money on. Sure buddy, let me get right on that.
I shouldn't joke though. I'm sure the local bars and liquor stores suffered financial devastation when he actually had to start paying me.