Anger and Bitterness!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Anger and Bitterness!
Looking for any advice on getting rid of anger and bitterness. I am just feeling fed up with living my life alone. Being lied to daily. Hearing I am sorry and I want to quit and hours later he is drunk. There is so much more but trying to keep it brief. I don't post a lot but leaving at the moment is not something I am willing to do. My son graduates in three weeks. I have MS and am on disability and unable to work. I can see it changing me. I am not a nice person. I say hurtful things. I am unable to enjoy life because I am bitter. It's not a nice feeling to look in the mirror and see a miserable bitter person. I feel such anger and hatred towards my AH. I don't like feeling like this. Any suggestions ?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Well, your post reminds me of the opening for al-anon. Because you have MS I would suggest online meetings. It can't hurt. And attending meetings (in person and online) have definitely helped with my anger, resentment and hurt in immeasurable amounts.
We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I was bitter for a very long time and I still am.. The bitterness is there because you feel chocked up, like your not being heard.. Well I hear your voice and I know what you're going through... It's very very very very hard to leave someone you love with addiction.. How is your relationship with your son?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Congratulations to your son; that's something to celebrate, right? There are so many hazards for children growing up these days with the prevalence of drug, that it's wonderful to see them succeed. My view might be skewed by being on these forums though.
I haven't been in your position, but lowering your expectations might help. Does your AH have some good qualities you can focus on, while still accepting that he's an A and doing what they do?
How limiting is your MS at the moment? Because if your environment has been narrowed down to you and AH, only a saint wouldn't feel something. If you can get out and access some disability services for expanding your social circle it might take your focus off your family life.
I haven't been in your position, but lowering your expectations might help. Does your AH have some good qualities you can focus on, while still accepting that he's an A and doing what they do?
How limiting is your MS at the moment? Because if your environment has been narrowed down to you and AH, only a saint wouldn't feel something. If you can get out and access some disability services for expanding your social circle it might take your focus off your family life.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You get rid of those feelings by accepting what is. Your husband is an alcoholic. He will lie, disappoint, and be unavailable. That is just the way it is. So, you have to do your best to accept it, to choose to not allow it to negatively impact you, and to make a life for yourself that isn't dependent upon whether he is sober or not.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Just wanted to chime in and say that we hear you, and understand anger and frustration. I can imagine how you must feel quite a victim, and trapped. Feeling alone was awful for me too. It was like , if I am not heard, not important, then please leave so I can focus on things that make me happy!
I wonder if you are able to get out and do things that nurture you in even a small way, to put something in, when you are feeling only depleted? I think the online meetings would be good to try.
Is there a hobby you can focus on, and do you need help getting out and about?
Congrats on your son graduating! It should be a happy time, and if you can take your thoughts (and readjust expectations) off of the A, and enjoy this time as much as possible, it might bring you some relief from the anger.
anger kills the soul, I think.
hugs
chic
I wonder if you are able to get out and do things that nurture you in even a small way, to put something in, when you are feeling only depleted? I think the online meetings would be good to try.
Is there a hobby you can focus on, and do you need help getting out and about?
Congrats on your son graduating! It should be a happy time, and if you can take your thoughts (and readjust expectations) off of the A, and enjoy this time as much as possible, it might bring you some relief from the anger.
anger kills the soul, I think.
hugs
chic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
As happybeingme said, I think that this is something that you will have to accept in order to move on. And by move on, I do not mean leaving him. Acceptance eventually brings peace. This is when you say, "Ok, he is what he is. And he will stay that way no matter what I do. Now what? What do I do? What can I do?" It feels lonely at first, but then it gets better. Struggle stops with acceptance.
Yes, anger and resentfulness, my greatest enemies. These emotions will poison you sooner or later. Especially resentfulness. I hate it. Moving focus from the alcoholic to people/things worthy your attention helps. Like things that bring joy. Like your sons graduation. And congratulations!
Yes, anger and resentfulness, my greatest enemies. These emotions will poison you sooner or later. Especially resentfulness. I hate it. Moving focus from the alcoholic to people/things worthy your attention helps. Like things that bring joy. Like your sons graduation. And congratulations!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Hear you loud and clear dear one! I saw myself changing too and didn't like it one bit. I was becoming touchy and angry. I still get pissed, but I know I'm in control of only myself. Being lonely in a relationship is awful. What is helping me now that the weather is better is just getting some sunshine and listening to the birds. Silly, but it reconnects me to the good things in the world.
Congrats to your son!!
Congrats to your son!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Thank you to each of you for your understanding and suggestions. It truly does help just knowing that there are people who really do get what its like to feel this way. I am grateful today that I have the desire to do something about this anger and bitterness that I feel. As mentioned it feels like it is a poison. I do not like the person that I am becoming. I have already looked up alanon online. Seems like there is a few to choose from. I think lately I have become more focused on my AH and all the disappointments and loneliness that go along with living with him. I am back to thinking he should recognize how angry and hurt I am and want to do something to fix things. In my head I know this does not work but in my heart it feels like it should. Sigh! Thank you for the Congratulations for my son. I am very proud of the young man he has become. We are very close and have a great relationship. My MS has good days and bad days. I have started doing Tai Chi once a week. I also read on here about the adult coloring and meditation so have downloaded some pages off the internet and started that. I need to get the focus off my AH and back on myself. Thanks again for your support.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yep, I was SO THERE for a long time. Wasted a couple years of my life in that horrible place. It was making me physically ill, and turned me into someone I do not want to be!
You see what you need to do to get better - it works, I promise!
You are so important in this world, that YOU DESERVE to make yourself the happiest person there is, every single day. (((HUGS)))
You see what you need to do to get better - it works, I promise!
You are so important in this world, that YOU DESERVE to make yourself the happiest person there is, every single day. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi tigerlily;
I'm just sending you a hug and suggestion of a book to check out
It's called The Wahl's Diet and it is a paleo-plan for people dealing w/ autoimmune--the doctor who wrote it reversed her MS symptoms quite a bit with diet and lifestyle changes.
It might be helpful--I've been doing it and though I don't have autoimmune I am feeling much better physically and mentally.
Nurturing and loving yourself is really an important part of recovery for co-dependents--I know it has been for me.
I'm just sending you a hug and suggestion of a book to check out
It's called The Wahl's Diet and it is a paleo-plan for people dealing w/ autoimmune--the doctor who wrote it reversed her MS symptoms quite a bit with diet and lifestyle changes.
It might be helpful--I've been doing it and though I don't have autoimmune I am feeling much better physically and mentally.
Nurturing and loving yourself is really an important part of recovery for co-dependents--I know it has been for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by daydreamer0217 
anger and bitterness is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.
It helps me to remember that I am not letting go of the anger and bitterness for HIM. I am letting go of it for ME. And a better me is a better professional, a better mom, a better friend.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Honestly, one of the things that helped me greatly on this site are the 'quackers' threads. Quacks are what we call the nutty things As say. Not only was the humor a nice break, but it also showed me how I am not alone, how As say and do a lot of the same things so it is easier to not take things personally or seriously. It was a real eye opener. I hope you find some comfort here.
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