Littlebear

Hi all. I have a question... I am hoping for some comment and responses on why it is that I often read here that if someone abstains from drinking for a while, then has a drink - it seems no matter how small the drink or how infrequent, there is the understanding that you take back the daily count to begin at zero days, then day 1 again etc. Why??

I can guess there's a kind of helpful psychological element to this way of thinking...about being honest with oneself about any relapses, etc. But i wondered if there was anything else to it? For example, does a 'mini' or oneoff relapse interfere with the process of physical healing in any meaningful way? I have googled this but didn't come up with anything.

Tomorrow i am 86 days sober on my first ever attempt to stop daily drinking. I simply can hardly believe i made it this far especially when i also decided to start the same day my partner ended our relationship. Yes, I relapsed and had 2 glasses of wine one night about two weeks ago and wrote about here in SR but since then nothing more to drink. I still consider I am 85/86 days in. But my question is really - what is the effect on any psychological or physical healing process, if there is no true return to drinking? I am not talking about recurrent relapse and risk of kindling...merely a one off?

Thoughts and info much appreciated. LB

strategery

What most of us on this board are aiming for is continuous sobriety. If you start going, "well one is okay" every so often, it opens the door back up on going back to drinking. Any time you pick up, it is easy to fall back into that pattern of drinking again within a matter of time and there is no guarantee of us getting back. There have been many people that have related on the boards that after someone took a drink, they picked right back up, couldn't stop, and then died. So staying sober is serious business.

If you drink even one, it shows that something went wrong. Someone that gets through 7 months of continuous sobriety is going to be at different place than someone that has lapsed once or twice within 7 months.
With my last relapse (almost 6 months ago), I drank, and I had to go through those cravings all over again. So in my opinion, once you pick up that first drink, it is starting over in many ways.

Dee74

Strategy nailed it for me.
For me it's honesty.

If I drink again I literally relapse back in my illness, disease condition - whatever you want to call it.

If I don't acknowledge that slip there's the danger I'll do it again and again and I'll fall back into old patterns of rationalising.

Do it enough times and a day count would become meaningless to me.

That's my personal belief.

but..if it makes sense to you to count 85 days littlebear then that's your call - and it's fine with me.

The really important things to remember are you can't drink, and that counting is not the journey - its merely a way of signposting your progress

greens

There r certain programs that do not have that mentality of starting back at day one with every little lapse. I m not sure the answer to your question though about the psychological or physical healing process being affected .

least

If I deliberately drink, even just one, then I start over at day one. Otherwise I'm lying to myself.

MelindaFlowers

If you drink once a month or once a year, you are still drinking. Mark Twain said "you only quit smoking once." The same goes for drinking.

For myself? I've been sober ten months. Alcohol was ruining my health and my life. What would one night of drinking mean? Well, I have no idea to be honest. Maybe I would sit and watch Roseanne episodes. Maybe I would dance. Maybe I would drive drunk to get more alcohol and kill a family on the way. There is a good chance I would black out so all bets are off. Who knows? The most devastating part would be knowing that I had not actually quit. I was lying to myself. I still wanted to drink and I was still drinking. That's what would terrorize me and keep me up at night.

Why don't smokers smoke once a month? Insert whatever addict you want into that phrase and read it again. Why don't meth addicts only do it at parties? Why don't alcoholics only drink on New Year's Eve?

This is why it's called addiction. We can't doodle or doddle in our drug of choice.

Why do we start counting at zero? Because that's how many days it's been since our last drink.

Some people I guess cut way back and go on to lead great lives but I was way, way past that point.

I guess the real question is......

Why did you stop 85 days ago? I'm willing to bet its because moderating didn't work out too well.

Fluffer

I have read that there is a physical element in that the brain is rewiring during continuous sobriety and any slips set back the process and thereby restart the clock on withdrawal and PAWS. Of course, sobriety with a few slips if much better than active frequent drinking health-wise, but it does seem to put off the desired state of having no more PAWS and active addiction.

Anna

Personally I think there would be a psychological effect for me if I did that. Somewhere in my soul, something would shift and I wouldn't like it. As far as a physical effect from a relapse, I'm sure it would depend on the individual.

StayStrong33

It's always helped me to compare it to dieting vs. being vegan. Have you ever come across a vegan who eats meat every now and then? Me either. Vegan doesn't mean having steak only once a month during a cheat meal. Vegan means a complete life change with very clear boundaries. They want to be cleansed of anything that has come from an animal.

Thus, having a sobriety date doesn't mean we can drink every couple of weeks. Sobriety means a complete life change with very clear boundaries - no alcohol. If we continue to have a drink, our brains are never fully cleansed of alcohol and it's toxins. For me, if I can let myself have one drink there's a good chance I can eventually let myself get drunk down the road.

HeartsAfire

Thanks for asking this question. My AV has asked it a million times. Now I have some ammo for when it tries again next time.

fini

psychologically, i read it like this:
i only had one. one little one. and then nothing again, now for two weeks.

so: that one doesn't count. it had no consequence. the only consequence that would make that drink countable would be if i had had more than that one drink. but i didn't. so therefore (therefore!) it in itself doesn't count because it didn't lead to more.
just as a one-night stand outside my marriage doesn't mean i wasn't faithfully monogamous. i've still been entirely monogamous the whole time. after all, it didn't lead to an affair or anything else, so therefore (therefore!) it's not real.

this is one danger: making it unreal to yourself. lying.

secondly: the danger of this kind of thinking: i had a drink, then nothing for two weeks. that shows me that it's just fine to have a drink now and again. therefore (there is that word again!) i can have another one. after all, i've proven i'm in control. and control is so well celebrated by drinking

thirdly: not resetting the count ignores that something in the sobriety-that-led-to-a-drink was not solid. it went off the rails. therefore, it is unlikely that the actions/plan/thinking will change to improve the chances for solid sobriety.

fourth: if not resetting the date, there will be the ongoing "except for..." which is the big BUT to whatever was said before it in the sentence. everything i/you ever say about my/your sobriety needs the qualifier "except for...", negating what we said prior to it.

phew.
i'd reset. so much simpler. cleaner. truer. much better chance, IMO, to really look at what i'd need to change to make continuous sobriety happen.

gettingsmarter

I think it is important to remember the last drink we have had no matter how little. Even if you drank with few visible consequences it could have been the snow flake that starts the avalanche. It helps me remember how close I came to heading back to a living hell.

EndGameNYC

Though it doesn't refer to me, I've heard things like this before: "In the eight years I've been married, I only cheated on my wife that one time."

IOAA2

Hi.
For many on these forums sober means a day alcohol free forget the exceptions. For me sober means being healthy mentally and emotionally which takes a good amount of time and work.

It’s been proven that having a drink, relapse, is very dangerous for an alcoholic most of the time because so many can’t return and start over.

BE WELL

Nowsthetime

I had almost 14 months, then I had a couple. I can't say I have 14 months anymore because I did drink. Even if it was a bit. It's all about honesty and not opening THAT door again. This is not to say those 14 months meant nothing, but I just can't lie and say I have 14 months of continuous sobriety.

Some people don't even count, so this (just like everything in sobriety) is a personal decision.

Rainbug

I need to count the days....and at this point the hours.to keep me on track. The just one, ended up as one more, than a who cares, that is what allowed me to hit bottom. I Can't hit that place again. I can't.

Mountainmanbob

Sobriety is about (total) abstinence.
Most would not feel honest
regarding their time sober
if deep inside they knew
they had one or two or a few.

So what's ok for a sober one to drink
1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
and still think I'm sober ?

0 - seems to be what works best.

MM

Littlebear

Thank you all for the comments offered. I stepped way from the boards for a couple of days to know how to respond and say more. I guess I was puzzled (and I think disappointed, probably hurt?) that so many responses talked mostly about honesty and tried to remind me of that. Although the notion of dishonesty wasnt directed at me - it was around in the talking...eg, all about what we 'own up to' in recovery? I was taken aback by this. This is because i am taking great care to be honest in all this. Theres only me (and you all) know about my drinking problem and my aim to stop. So i can be honest and i am being honest. I simply stopped drinking, and when i made one mistake I felt terrible, came here and talked about it at the time.

I consider my 88 ish days as my 'journey of' sobriety so far, that includes this one let down to myself of having two glasses of wine when i was desperately lonely and upset. This isn't lying. It feels to me more like reality. I have a serious aim to remain sober, and am doing all I can to make that happen. But it simply isn't right (to me) to discount so much time sober time after one mistake. That doesn't mean I am not including on this path the two hours I sat with some wine. I am not rationalising it being okay, or ignoring it happened. Actually I rarely even think about the number of days in count form in this journey. To post here, I had to get my diary out and count them up. This is also the reason why I haven't posted the number to get some feedback or sense of celebration on SR apart from in the first couple of weeks because I don't feel the need to really count. I more just move through each day and see what I can do.

I was puzzled by many responses because of the focus of this question of count, and truth. But maybe i inadvertently led it this way because i mentioned a number of days? My own question was about whether you knew if psychological or physical healing was badly interrupted by taking a drink? That was all. But I am new to forums, and how it all goes so imagine this is what can happen...you put something out there and just have to see what comes back ...and learn to take the responses on the chin...And I will learn more about this in time...

Many of the comments were helpful in reminding me of the dangers of one drink leading to another and another. I can see that. I have no intention of doing that and i hope i continue to have strength not to. I do see that many of you are so much more experienced in all this and trust that you reminded of it because you are looking out for me. For this, my thanks. There isn't anyone else who does this job but me.

Someone said in the thread that they bet I had a slip, because I had practiced much moderation in drinking before i stopped. This also isnt true - of me anyway. I 've never tried reducing or stopping my drinking in my life before now. I simply didn't want to stop before. I liked drinking. I still probably would. But just suddenly after so many years of 'wondering why I did it' and beginning to feel worried about health...and then it coinciding with my partner finishing with me...(not about drinking) I just collapsed, and decided to try to let go of the two of them - wine and man together.

So, I don't know if I am an alcoholic...I suspect I am. But I don't have the MO of trying, and failing. I just know i needed to and wanted to stop. So stopped, and then several weeks later had a drink (not much), then continued to not drink. And my intention is to not drink. forgive myself though for my mistake...i can forgive because i remembered i was here with me and know what happened. And know it was all very painful. So...I continue my hard journey (as you all are too) in moving forward.

So, i am on a path towards sobriety, and it's shape has so far for me has been 87/88 ish days in length broken by many things including one night with some wine. That is all.

I hope enough of you get what I am trying to say here. And again, thank you for the time you all took to offer me your views and of reminding me of the pitfalls. I know this all came from a caring place. LB

JaneLane

Hi Littlebear,

I actually had three sips of wine around a week and a half ago. I posted here and considered the next day as "day one". That was entirely my own decision and it was a matter of how I felt within myself. Three sips wasn't a whole glass, nowhere near, but I felt that I needed to go to day one, just for myself.

I really get what you are saying with your post and for me, one drink interrupted by recovery process, mentally. Something about my recovery plan hadn't been working and I'd got to the point of drinking. So starting at day one the next day was a good thing for me as I felt like I had a clean slate and could rework my plan entirely and let go of what happened the day before.

Dee74

I don't know about anyone else here but I answered your initial question, to the best of my ability using my experience

I can't definitively answer the question about does everything start again healing wise cos the longest I ever had sober before 2007 was 8 weeks of teeth gritting stubborness.

I did feel like my addiction had grown in those 2 months, even tho I'd been sober. The next few years are a blur.

It's no skin off my nose how you or anyone counts days littlebear

The foundation of any recovery plan is not to drink. That's the mandatory bit

D