Looking for your ESH on the final stretch before leaving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Looking for your ESH on the final stretch before leaving
So, I can just tell. I can tell that things are going to come crumbling down in the coming weeks. I am at my limit, and my AH is clearly at his limit. Mother's Day (which was also our son's birthday), was a nightmare, as it has been for the last four years. We've had several "talks" (some calm, some not calm). There are times when I think I'll be able to get out without involving law enforcement (background: there is no physical abuse in our marriage. Just lots and lots of emotional/verbal abuse). I am, however, prepared for everything to go nuclear at any moment. There are times when I think he will be willing to leave, so that I don't have to move myself and three kids (although I'm sure I will have to buy him out of the security deposit and some other stuff). I am, however, prepared to pick up and leave with just the minimal amount of stuff should it become necessary.
I have read and re-read all of the stickies about preparing to leave. Talk to me about those final weeks. What surprised you about leaving? What do you wish you had known? How did you address everything with your kids? Keep in mind that my daughters will throw a party when my AH is out of our lives. But our son...he just turned 5. He will of course still see his father, but any ESH on that piece is also really welcome.
I have read and re-read all of the stickies about preparing to leave. Talk to me about those final weeks. What surprised you about leaving? What do you wish you had known? How did you address everything with your kids? Keep in mind that my daughters will throw a party when my AH is out of our lives. But our son...he just turned 5. He will of course still see his father, but any ESH on that piece is also really welcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Wisconsin, I've got not a single bit of advice or experience to offer, but I do send you my most heartfelt wishes for strength and calm and wisdom in the days to come. I'm certain you'll get a lot of great advice from the SR community.
Your freedom and your life are waiting for you!
(((Hugs, hugs and more hugs)))
Your freedom and your life are waiting for you!
(((Hugs, hugs and more hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
No real experience here either, but joining in on the ((((hugs)))) & support part.
You have been getting ready for this for a long time & I'm sure you are more prepared than you realize.
I can imagine that in your shoes I'd be worried about irreplaceable stuff like photo albums & keepsakes. I might move some of that & original documents (tax returns, birth certificates) to a safe location now if you haven't already. I'd probably pack an emergency bag for me & the kids, including a new toy or book for DS to give him a distraction if necessary. If we ended up leaving in a hurry & going to a hotel I'd feel better having toiletries & a change of clothes for everyone.
You have been getting ready for this for a long time & I'm sure you are more prepared than you realize.
I can imagine that in your shoes I'd be worried about irreplaceable stuff like photo albums & keepsakes. I might move some of that & original documents (tax returns, birth certificates) to a safe location now if you haven't already. I'd probably pack an emergency bag for me & the kids, including a new toy or book for DS to give him a distraction if necessary. If we ended up leaving in a hurry & going to a hotel I'd feel better having toiletries & a change of clothes for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What surprised you about leaving?
How little he seemed to actually care once the time came. I packed for a week before he noticed what I was doing (he was on a bender). When he saw the empty drawers and filing cabinet he asked, "Are you leaving me?" I said yes and he just said, "Oh."
What do you wish you had known?
That he would eventually make a bunch of trouble for me about custody. It was over a year after we left, and we were never married, so it kind of came out of left field after he married his new enabler.
How did you address everything with your kids? Keep in mind that my daughters will throw a party when my AH is out of our lives. But our son...he just turned 5.
DS13 (11 at the time) didn't care. He was glad to be away, like you said. I told DS6 (4 at the time) that even though we loved daddy, he had a bad disease called alcoholism and it wasn't safe for us to live in the house with him unless he got help. He misses him, but was also relieved because he was scared of his dad. We send holiday cards and photos and his drawings and school papers. Lately we've been doing a phone call on Sundays, but it's a crapshoot whether my ex will be sober and coherent.
I tried to keep in contact with my ex, but he really spiralled when I left. Drunk dialing me at all hours, drunken emails, eventually got both phone and internet shut off so he could drink the money so there was no reliable way to contact him for several months. No child support for a year, until I had to file for it to keep the kids' insurance (Medicaid).
Then he got married and decided he was entitled to have "shared physical and legal custody" of our son, even though we live in different states and he had literally made zero attempts to have a relationship with our son for over a year. I got that dismissed, and am now fighting against him having unsupervised visitation (I consider his wife supervising to be unsupervised visits, we'll see what the courts think).
I know you're a bit more prepared on the legal front, and that custody will be settled in your divorce. Just be ready for him to temporarily turn on the "superdad" act and start badmouthing you to your son and get a lot of ideas about a custody arrangement that he thinks will save him from paying child support.
How little he seemed to actually care once the time came. I packed for a week before he noticed what I was doing (he was on a bender). When he saw the empty drawers and filing cabinet he asked, "Are you leaving me?" I said yes and he just said, "Oh."
What do you wish you had known?
That he would eventually make a bunch of trouble for me about custody. It was over a year after we left, and we were never married, so it kind of came out of left field after he married his new enabler.
How did you address everything with your kids? Keep in mind that my daughters will throw a party when my AH is out of our lives. But our son...he just turned 5.
DS13 (11 at the time) didn't care. He was glad to be away, like you said. I told DS6 (4 at the time) that even though we loved daddy, he had a bad disease called alcoholism and it wasn't safe for us to live in the house with him unless he got help. He misses him, but was also relieved because he was scared of his dad. We send holiday cards and photos and his drawings and school papers. Lately we've been doing a phone call on Sundays, but it's a crapshoot whether my ex will be sober and coherent.
I tried to keep in contact with my ex, but he really spiralled when I left. Drunk dialing me at all hours, drunken emails, eventually got both phone and internet shut off so he could drink the money so there was no reliable way to contact him for several months. No child support for a year, until I had to file for it to keep the kids' insurance (Medicaid).
Then he got married and decided he was entitled to have "shared physical and legal custody" of our son, even though we live in different states and he had literally made zero attempts to have a relationship with our son for over a year. I got that dismissed, and am now fighting against him having unsupervised visitation (I consider his wife supervising to be unsupervised visits, we'll see what the courts think).
I know you're a bit more prepared on the legal front, and that custody will be settled in your divorce. Just be ready for him to temporarily turn on the "superdad" act and start badmouthing you to your son and get a lot of ideas about a custody arrangement that he thinks will save him from paying child support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wisconsin.....you might check out the website: www.womansdivorce
It covers all aspects of divorce...including emotional aspects, also....
for me---it was like a prison release.....
More like a "dance around the maypole" feeling.....
dandylion
It covers all aspects of divorce...including emotional aspects, also....
for me---it was like a prison release.....
More like a "dance around the maypole" feeling.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Planning for necessary but unpleasant business is
scary, frightening, and lonely. We search as deeply
as we can into our secret souls and wonder if we
have what it takes to execute, to pull the trigger, to
initiate unmistakeable and irrevocable moves.
Once the action is executed, the game is afoot and
we are no longer worrying, waiting, or wondering.
And isn't the waiting/wondering/worrying the
worst torture of all?
One day I executed.
On that day:
I don't know where you are....
I don't know what you are doing.....
And I don't care about the former.....or the latter.
The removal of our pain can be a VERY disrupting
event. It is FAMILIAR.
Freedom from hell-----will not be familiar to you.
Prepare for this and know it is coming.
scary, frightening, and lonely. We search as deeply
as we can into our secret souls and wonder if we
have what it takes to execute, to pull the trigger, to
initiate unmistakeable and irrevocable moves.
Once the action is executed, the game is afoot and
we are no longer worrying, waiting, or wondering.
And isn't the waiting/wondering/worrying the
worst torture of all?
One day I executed.
On that day:
I don't know where you are....
I don't know what you are doing.....
And I don't care about the former.....or the latter.
The removal of our pain can be a VERY disrupting
event. It is FAMILIAR.
Freedom from hell-----will not be familiar to you.
Prepare for this and know it is coming.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My advice would be to sever it with a sharp knife. When you have this talk be prepared to move ASAP - or for him to. No dragging it out.
Since he may become violent have someone that you can trust that is aware of what you are doing or is there when you do it.
That's blanket advice. If it were me i'd find a new home, I'd pack my stuff and my kids, and be gone. Possibility of physical violence or explosion is the only reason I'd need. No way would I risk the drunk losing control and harming me or my family. No way.
I realize that is not the way everyone thinks nor is the possibility of picking up and moving something you may be able to do, but I wanted to put it out there.
Since he may become violent have someone that you can trust that is aware of what you are doing or is there when you do it.
That's blanket advice. If it were me i'd find a new home, I'd pack my stuff and my kids, and be gone. Possibility of physical violence or explosion is the only reason I'd need. No way would I risk the drunk losing control and harming me or my family. No way.
I realize that is not the way everyone thinks nor is the possibility of picking up and moving something you may be able to do, but I wanted to put it out there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What surprised you about leaving?
Honestly? After literally years of agonizing, how easy it was once I left. Like you, I had not experienced any physical violence until the night I left -- and once I was in the car with the kids, there was no longer any doubt, any hesitation, I was gone and regardless of what would come after that, I knew that I was never, ever, ever going back.
What do you wish you had known?
Well -- I wish I had been able to do it as planned: Pay off debt, set up an apartment, leave in a planned fashion. Running with the clothes on my back was not the way I wanted it to happen.
How did you address everything with your kids?
My kids, like yours, were largely cheering and celebrating. I was very straightforward with them: I told them their father was an alcoholic; that it was a disease that made it so that when he started drinking he couldn't stop (and the consequences, they were already familiar with); that there was help and that he had chosen not to get help; and that until he did, and got healthy, it was not safe for us to keep living with him.
Thinking of you. It's a hard part. And I'm especially glad you're realizing that the line between emotional and physical abuse isn't very thick, and that you need to be prepared for that. Do NOT hesitate to call 911 if you feel at all threatened.
Honestly? After literally years of agonizing, how easy it was once I left. Like you, I had not experienced any physical violence until the night I left -- and once I was in the car with the kids, there was no longer any doubt, any hesitation, I was gone and regardless of what would come after that, I knew that I was never, ever, ever going back.
What do you wish you had known?
Well -- I wish I had been able to do it as planned: Pay off debt, set up an apartment, leave in a planned fashion. Running with the clothes on my back was not the way I wanted it to happen.
How did you address everything with your kids?
My kids, like yours, were largely cheering and celebrating. I was very straightforward with them: I told them their father was an alcoholic; that it was a disease that made it so that when he started drinking he couldn't stop (and the consequences, they were already familiar with); that there was help and that he had chosen not to get help; and that until he did, and got healthy, it was not safe for us to keep living with him.
Thinking of you. It's a hard part. And I'm especially glad you're realizing that the line between emotional and physical abuse isn't very thick, and that you need to be prepared for that. Do NOT hesitate to call 911 if you feel at all threatened.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I'm in my final days, it is like you have ants crawling under your skin. Like you just want to get over with it in the next five minutes. Be prepared that verbal and emotional abuse may escalate. Physical abuse should not be excluded as a possibility. Make sure you protect yourself and your kids. What really surprised me was the amount of malice and insults that came out of him. Then this feeling of him "not taking me seriously." Then this indifference that he shows, drinking every day almost defiantly.
I wish I had known before that the act of leaving is actually very easy. Once I decided to act, everything was so fast. Making the final decision is what took time.
I wish I had known before that the act of leaving is actually very easy. Once I decided to act, everything was so fast. Making the final decision is what took time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>I wish I had known before that the act of leaving is actually very easy.
Once I decided to act, everything was so fast. Making the final decision is what
took time. <<<<<<<<
The deciding is always the hard part. Although EVERY part of an endeavor is
important....planning, fixing engines, etc-------the command function is by
definition the MOST critical. Every one reading these words is (by definition)
in charge of the command/execution/timing of their own life choices.
Yeah, it can be hard, and yeah, it can be scary.
But DAMN what a fulfilling rush it is! I think the saddest part of the
addictive nightmare is that the SUBSTANCE is in the command seat.
Once I decided to act, everything was so fast. Making the final decision is what
took time. <<<<<<<<
The deciding is always the hard part. Although EVERY part of an endeavor is
important....planning, fixing engines, etc-------the command function is by
definition the MOST critical. Every one reading these words is (by definition)
in charge of the command/execution/timing of their own life choices.
Yeah, it can be hard, and yeah, it can be scary.
But DAMN what a fulfilling rush it is! I think the saddest part of the
addictive nightmare is that the SUBSTANCE is in the command seat.
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