Denial

Old 05-11-2015, 12:51 PM
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Denial

My father is a high functioning alcoholic. Goes to work every day, pays his bills on time, supposedly doesn't drink and drive. He functions in most ways you can think of. Except...he drinks EVERY day.

For me, he seems shut-down from the world. I come to visit him and he's quiet and sullen. His eyes are locked onto his tv and he barely notices that I'm there. I once told him that I believe he suffers from alcoholism. His response??? NOTHING at all.

He doesn't visit. He doesn't request to meet me for lunch. He doesn't write. He doesn't call. He doesn't even e-mail. He doesn't send me a b-day card, an xmas card. I get correspondence from him once a year. Money for xmas and a note that says "don't spend it all in one place".
It's like he's not a part of my life. And yet...my mother complained that I don't contact him?

Next to no one in my family is willing to acknowledge my father's sickness. They want to point fingers back at me. That I'm disparaging the family image. There's maybe one sibling who agrees with me and says, "I'm waiting for the call. The call that he's finally gone."

It's like there's a giant wall of denial around his disease.

Are there other people with experiences like this? It's so baffling for it to be so obvious to me, and yet almost all of my FOO members refuse to acknowledge an issue. "he deserves to take a break after work".

Is denial like that for you and your FOO?
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:09 PM
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No but it's extremely common. Spend some time on the Friends and Family forum and denial is a huge part of living with an alcoholic. Look you may know your dad is an alcoholic but no one needs to accept your reality even if it is staring them in the eye. I think the key to our recovery is learning to accept our reality and to accept others may not have that view. That is ok. You constantly pointing out your family's shortcomings accomplishes nothing. In order to find true peace in your heart you need to stop wishing and hoping you can change things. Accept them for what they are.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:05 PM
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Well, my family isn't like yours but my RAH's family sounds identical to yours. RAH is the youngest of 5, FIL is an alcoholic and ACOA, MIL is an ACOA and super codie, the 2 oldest children are alcoholics and RAH is an alcoholic too.

FIL is very clearly an alcoholic, he's neglectful, he's arrogant and when RAH goes into no-contact mode with his mom (who is constantly calling RAH and telling which family member he needs to call and what he needs to say or what gift he needs to buy a certain family member) FIL will call RAH and leave nasty voicemails threatening him to do what his mother tells him to do and call her IMMEDIATELY. He also likes to talk about his drinking non-stop, it was seriously his favorite topic. RAH still wrestles with whether or not its "right" to call FIL an alcoholic.

The denial and the sickness in families like this are commonly talked about in my al-anon groups. Specifically I hear that alcoholic family don't talk about anything. You, on the other hand, are pointing directly at the elephant in the room and expecting someone else to comment on the elephant too. Your family members have lived a lifetime ignoring the elephant in the room, it's wonderful that you're noticing it, acknowledging it and trying to have a conversation about it BUT I wouldn't expect anyone else to suddenly have the realizations that you've had. You've changed but this is how your family has always likely been. My RAH has some lofty ideals that as he gets better then his FOO will maybe hopefully become better too, I personally feel like that's a whole lot of expectations to put on people who are not interested in changing.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:07 PM
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Hello Thotful,

Have you studied drama triangles? This link is fairly decent in describing them. Give some consideration that you may have moved from victim to persecutor/rescuer depending on who you are dealing with in your family. Your recovery and the shining the armor of truth could be just new weapons in an old family war. But the best approach is to get off the triangle. This is a lot easier said than done.

The Drama Triangle: The Three Roles of Victimhood - article by Dr. Lynne Namka
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