Lilypad1980

Hi,

I've only posted here a couple of times. Briefly my husband is a recovering alcoholic. He stopped drinking just over 3 and a half years ago. That time was a great time. We got married just before xmas, everything was great.

In February he had a couple of slip ups where he drank on two different occasions. I found out and was totally knocked for six by it. I didn't see it coming and really didn't handle it well.

My husband got help, signed back up with the alcohol team, is currently having CBT and has also started taking Antabuse everyday.

My problem is that I'm so anxious this will happen again. I'm constantly looking for signs that he is drinking again. I'm trying not to pass my anxieties on to him. I think my problem is now I've got myself into a mind set that he will drink again and it's just a matter of time. Of course I'm not saying that to him. I'm supporting him as mush as I can. I just can't shake this anxious feeling that I have.

I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through something similar. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks

knowthetriggers

Hi Lilypad - has anyone suggested a support group to you, like Alanon?

I would start there. Alanon saved my sanity.

honeypig

Hi, Lilypad--I think I might know how you feel, although my situation was not exactly the same. My A would insist he had quit drinking--he'd be going to AA meetings and talking a great game. Then I'd find out he'd been drinking all along. There'd be a big blowup and then he'd say NOW he had really quit...and later I'd find he was still drinking. So I think know that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop that you're describing.

I had luckily found SR and Alanon, and the wise folks at both of those places kept telling me to change the focus--to put it on me and not on him. This made very little sense to me. After all, I was the sober one, not the one who'd lied and spent our money in secret and so on! But I kept coming to SR and going to Alanon and eventually it did start to make sense. I learned that I couldn't control OR predict his drinking. I learned that the only person I had any control over at all was myself. I learned that my path to happiness lay in getting healthy myself rather than in waiting for someone else to make me happy.

I'd suggest SR and Alanon for you too, and I'd suggest that same action of taking the focus off of him and what he's going to do next. What are you going to do next--for YOU? You may feel powerless right now, and you are powerless over him and his drinking. However, you are absolutely in control of the direction your own life takes. I wish you strength and clarity.

Lilypad1980

Thank you both. I have heard of Alanon and it's something I need to look into.
Our situation is hard as we work together as well. The job we do requires him to be sober. This could be a life/death situation for people if he is not. This puts extra pressure on me. It's not like I can wave him off to work in a morning and not think about it for a while.
My problem is I'm a worrier and have always been this way.
I don't think he is drinking at the moment as I'm sure I'd be able to tell. Also he does not want to be a drinker, I know this and he is always fighting not to slip back into old habits. I just feel like I'm playing the waiting game for him to start drinking again. I just can't seem to shake that negative feeling.
I also have to say he is an amazing person who I admire. I can't fault him as a husband and a father. I just wish we didn't have this hanging over heads which I guess is pretty selfish of me.

honeypig

This is something you need to think about, Lilypad. Is it fair to yourself to put yourself in this type of situation? Why should there be "extra pressure" on YOU b/c of HIS drinking? Do you feel that it's up to you to monitor his condition and make the decision as to whether he can work safely or not? It's an awful lot for you to take on...

Also think about any possible legal aspects--if, God forbid, someone was killed b/c he was drinking and working, what would that mean to YOU in terms of legal consequences as well as your own feelings about being part of such an occurrence?

You don't have to answer these questions here, just think about them and the various aspects of control and responsibility involved. It sounds like there's a lot at stake--but then, there always is, I think.

Lilypad1980

I've just got to stress. I don't think he is drinking. This is 100 percent my problem. Work know he had an issue in the past and are very supportive. He is always willing to take a breath test. We also have one at home that he does all the time, more to ease my anxiety I think.
I guess it's just driving me mad the way I'm thinking

FireSprite

Lily, I felt similar to what you describe when I focused on my husband & his issues & the resulting "What If's" that inevitably arise. It stopped when I shifted my focal point & looked at things from MY perspective, putting MY needs at the center of attention.

The reality is that he's had relapses & that any alcoholic is only ever one drink away from a relapse. It can happen at any time, for any reason. I found that I couldn't ever BE vigilant enough to see every warning sign if a relapse was coming anyway. It is unproductive because you have NO clue what the circumstances will be.

I could, however, control my reaction. I could control having a Plan B in place. But first I had to do a lot of recovery work to understand what a healthier mindset even WAS. I had to learn the difference between self-care/self-love and selfish behaviors. Big difference!

Lilypad1980

Thank you. You have all been a big help. It's just nice to share my feelings and thoughts. I feel better just for that 😜