goodman

Hey all, I haven't been here in a while and I'm finally to a point where I can really address my addiction and move forward. But one of the steps that I had to take to make that happen was to finally get my husband to move out of the house.

I am well versed in "recovery talk" and one of the things that is bothering me is the idea of "Denial" or "Not taking responsibility."

For example, I have never denied I had a problem with alcohol. I'm pretty open with everyone about it. And I do want to take the responsibility. But at the same time I am coming out of a dark several years of depression. It's not that I want to "blame" as a way of shoving the responsibility off of me. More it is that he has put me through a tremendous amount of trauma for the last 5 years to the point that I felt completely trapped and helpless.

In the interim I have raised three sons, opened my own business and over time I used alcohol to self medicate to the point that it became an addiction. IOW every other day I had to drink to cope.


Once he moved out of the apartment, (which I was only able to get him to do with the intervention of my landlord) he kept "visiting" every weekend in order to see my son. I allowed this to go on and on for the benefit of my son. Finally this weekend I drew the line and said he cannot come into my house any more.

I'm a tough girl and I realized that I had basically been abused by him emotionally for several years. Examples never letting anyone visit me in my home. When my sister came to visit he wouldn't let her come over and I had to get a hotel room for her. Then he got mad because I paid for the hotel room. He's stolen money from me, gotten me to the point that I have paid for all the bills on my own for the last three years.

I'm sort of "waking up" to what's really been going on. The reason I'm posting this thread is I'm wondering why my friends are sort of acting like I'm trying to "blame him" for my drinking.

I thought maybe someone here would undersand what I'm going through.

Any feedback will be helpful.

greens

I think there's a difference between holding people "accountable" and "blaming people." Sometimes that line can get blurry but I think it's an important practice to set boundaries. I don't think anyone' was responsible for my drinking per se but I know " I had reasons to drink." Those are the reasons I have to adress today. I do believe that 12 step progrsms arent the best for abuse survivors , bc they are Constantly telling us to "admit our part in it", is taht what you mean when you say ffiends tell you to stop blaming him?

goodman

Yeah, it's like I went back and looked at my old posts and I regarded him as a loving supportive husband because I felt so ashamed of being "a drunk."

But then I found out he had stolen thousands of dollars from my company. He isolated me from everyone I knew. One of the reasons I started going to bars in the first place is that I work from Home and never see anyone all day. So popping into a pub in the afternoon became a social event.

He refused to take me out anywhere. We live around the corner from a pier and a botanical garden. I used to suggest that we get up in the morning and go for a walk with coffee and he refused. I had no social life outside of facebook and the people I met in bars.

And they were REALLY supportive of me. They'd look out for me so I developed a trust for those people and they finally got me to realize that he was being abusive.

I mean I've had bar tenders tell me, that they could see I was going through a deep depression. One recently said "I honestly don't think you have a drinking problem, but I can see it's a problem because of how you are using it. I think your problem is depression and you might want to go to meetings anyway to get some support."

That is how they've been there for me. Non judging and honest.

And I think a big thing now is a HUGE wake up call now that he's been out of the house since December about how oppressive, cruel and controlling he really was.

To me I feel it's important for me to be able to talk about that realization.

I mean I even went to a Doctor and flat out told the doctor I thought I was self medicating with alcohol. He was standing there when I did. I was honest and open about how much I drink. But he accused me of minimizing it which I didn't at all.

Why would someone go into a doctor to confess they are using alcohol to self medicate and lie? And she said to me as well, she didn't think I had a problem with alcohol she thought I was severely depressed. She asked him to step out and talked to me about getting help for depression.

It puzzled me because she didn't at all confront the alcohol issue and I thought for sure she would.

It seems in hind sight many of the professionals or friends outside the family circle have seen it as a problem with his treatment of me.

But because I sang his glories the whole time, my friends don't understand.

Does that make sense.

saoutchik

Makes sense to me Goodmanham

Sounds like you are doing the right thing in not having contact with him yourself. Presumably he does have the right to see his son so maybe you could make an alternative arrangement whereby he does not come to your house or at the very least does not come inside your house.

Congratulations on your recovery, it sounds like you are doing well

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Goodman welcome bk

Berrybean

So sorry you have gone through this in your marriage and with your friends.
It sounds to me like two things are getting confused here...

(1) Whether or not he was responsible for isolating you
(2) Whether or not he was responsible for you choosing to try to solve the problem through drinking.

Plenty of people have s**t partners, and get depressed without thinking the answer is alcohol. That's because they aren't alcoholics. Chances are, if he hadn't been your reason to drink, another reason would have come along.

So, sure. Blame him for his side of what went wrong in your marriage, but as far as blaming him for you deciding to drink to make things better or bearable?? I'm not at all sure that's good for your sobriety.

In my mind, the reason I am an alcoholic is that I use(d) alcohol to change my perception of reality. To try to make things seem better. Me; other people; my job; my life; my wardrobe; my jokes; my dancing; my bitter twisted memories; my regrets for the past; and my fears for the future. And when I started drinking, I just wanted to carry on. 'Normal' people don't drink to change their perceptions of reality. They see that using alcohol to make things better is insanity, not a viable option.

greens

Yea I Can relate, sometimes we need to really distance ourselves from the abuse before we can see how toxic it was ( that is actually the ptsd protecting ourselves from the reality of our situation )
are there any DV centers In your area? The reason I ask is, bc you're situation seemed mostly verbally, Financially and emotionally abusive , it would be really Important to meet with someone who is eduCated about All forms of abuse and not just the physical ones. Lots of DV counselors in my area work on a sliding scale and won't turn anyone away for Lack of funds.

GracieLou

I understand as well. I asked my mother to move out and then went no contact with her after I was a year sober.

It took me a while to see how toxic the relationship was and the emotional abuse and the manipulation.

I was grateful that I discovered she was a narcissist when I was sober because if I had been still drinking I could have easily blamed my whole life and my drinking on her.

Since you are sober then I think it makes it obvious because you have a clear mind now and can see the toxic relationship. I don't think that is blaming anyone.

At some point we start taking care of ourselves, physically, mentally and emotionally and we do not let the abuse continue. We have some self worth.

Dee74

I can look back now and see the toxic situations and relationships I was in...and I can see I made some bad choices in attempting to use drugs and alcohol as a way of tolerating those relationships.

I'm just glad I'm out of it all - and it sounds like you are too goodman