berryfines

Well, mornings are absolutely the hardest. I wake up thinking about her and it's very hard to get past my anxiety and sadness but life must go on.

I spent three days down at my mom's. We cleaned up her top floor, threw away the couch that she passed on. Got rid of at least 10 large garbage bags full of trash. Cleaned all the bathrooms, there hadn't been water in over a month, so I think you can figure out how bad they were. I still need to throw away her mattress because she was incontinent for a while prior to her death.

I also had the chance to go through her papers/files/etc. My mom lived a life of grief. She held on to every once of sadness, hurt and pain that she ever encountered. She had my grandparents wills, my parents divorce decree and child custody papers, she had notes a friend of mine gave her (she passed away at 17 from cancer and my mom was very close to her). She always had money problems too. Missed paying taxes for four years in the 90's and had a huge tax lien. She had a bunch of other credit issues and she saved them all. Stuff from the 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s. She still had boxes of my stepdad's stuff and his clothes from after his passing. Her most recent significant other passed very suddenly after being hit by a car while on his bicycle last year and she had a journal from after his passing. She was sad. My mom was so very very sad and I realized that after her BF passed last year a lifetime of grief and sadness came to the surface.

There was no way my mom was going to recover. She wasn't just grieving for her BF, she was grieving for my grandfather, her best friend, my childhood friend, my step dad, etc etc etc.
I feel so sad that my mom suffered throughout her entire life and I truly can now see that she was committing a very slow suicide and I think subconsciously she knew it. She wrote in her journal that if it weren't for me and my son that she would've taken a bunch of pills and drank herself to death. She wrote that in May of last year.

My poor mom just had such a hard time at life. I feel so sorry that I didn't realize sooner just how much she beat herself up and didn't allow herself the opportunity to grieve and move on.

I am so thankful that I am not afraid to seek out therapy when I need it. I am so thankful that I figured that out over a month ago and found a therapist that specializes in ACOA's. This helps me know that I will be able to grieve and move past these horrible happenings of life. I will not suffer the same fate and keep everything bottled in, slowly eating away at myself.

I am also thankful that I am now given the opportunity to try to make some changes to our system, at least in Dare Co. where my mom lived. They have a large drug and alcohol program and lack the resources they need. My mom died because of depression and alcoholism but the system failed her and myself.

Kialua

What a difficult time. It is a good choice to recognize and be able to take care of ourself when these things happen. Why our parents could't do that, I will never know. Did they look for reasons in life's journey to drink or did the drinking keep them from dealing with the difficulties like others do? Either way, it's the path we have.

thotful

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel sad that all of those feelings that you find in the documents and memories she kept were not expressed. If I'm reading you correctly, she didn't tell you that having you in her life helped her hold on?

And yet, amidst all of the negative feelings, she didn't accept help.

I have realized that if my father is struggling with anything (which he probably is) - he has never told me. He keeps his sadness hidden and under cover. Exactly where it will fester, where it will mold, and where it will thrive and grow.

I feel frustrated that I can't rescue my father. Is there something special I could say to him that would bring him to finally accept help? To no longer take on the darkness alone? I don't know.

Right now, the only thing I've found that I have control with is me. I can take care of me and try my best in my life.

Berryfines, can you take care of you?

Please keep writing - I will keep reading. It helps me to feel like I'm not alone. Only one FOO member amongst 9 (much more if I included children and spouses) seems to acknowledge my father's sickness. I literally feel alone with that.

I feel sad for your situation and sad for your mother. This disease is so devastating - so cruel. It's like dropping a grenade in the middle of a family. It doesn't disrupt the life of only the alcoholic - the disease effects MANY people close to them. Like DROPPING a grenade amidst a family. Yes I said that twice!

My heart goes out to you. Since you can't do for your mother what you wish she did for herself, maybe you can do those very things for you. Counseling if you need it. Seeking out help from 12-step support groups, religious organizations, programs, whatever would work for you. And writing on here. You're not alone!

Thanks so much for sharing.

CodeJob

So much grief. She is free now.

Hugs to you, Berryfines. Keep writing here as I think it is very powerful for you and for many of us.