auroraxborealis

I didn't want to hi-jack anymore of a previous thread, so here's my own. Being standard rambling:

My thoughts exactly. I'm not chasing this one down--the ball is in his court. HOWEVER, I am totally guilty of talking to his dad and sister about him. Not unusual for me. Actually, each of them is someone I would feel comfortable talking about any relationship with. I just told his sister I missed him. She said he calls his new gf by my name sometimes, which she thought was funny. I think it's sad the gf puts up with it, but maybe she doesn't, idk I don't know the girl. X's dad doesn't get why X is even still with the new gf, and it sounds like she might be more of a pushover than I am/was. Again, idk and I don't know the girl. I know she's got a daughter, and I have a sneaking suspicion my X now feels protective of the girl and its more about gf's daughter than the gf.

X is still in the halfway house, but his new gf is supposed to move into his sister's place soon, because sister's on vacation for a few weeks and leaving end of summer. She might already be living there. I told his dad it's like she's living my life. And it's not her. It's X. It's like he's giving her the life WE planned. Dad says X wants to be friends, and he explained it's not that easy when there's feelings involved. I told his dad I really thought we were going to do it. I really thought this was it! And we could conquer the world. He just nodded. "Yep. So did we." Ugh.

X's sister asked if I was coming to 4th of July this year. I've gone camping with his family that weekend for three years. X has never gone (jail/halfway house/jail again) and I don't think he'll get a pass to go this year. I said it depends on who's going. I'm not going to pretend that everything is fine and dandy if X and/or his new gf are there. I don't want to be a brat about it, and I'm not trying to make anyone pick sides, but I'm not going to set myself up for an uncomfortable weekend. And I don't want her to be uncomfortable either (I guess I don't actually care what she thinks, but more of "how would I feel if I were her?"). Maybe a year ago I would feel differently, but not now. I can find something else to do for the 4th without being uncomfortable for three days. And I'm not even worried about it. Again, this time last year I'd probably be freaking out, but hey maybe she's gotta work and it won't even be an issue?

Anyways, enough blabbing. Clearly I haven't taken the majority of you guys's advice to go no contact with X AND his family. But I was away for three months and feel like I have a little more clarity than I did before.

On a side note, I did use a website to email a local-ish therapist. Shared a brief summary of our breakup and said I am interested in an initial appointment to work on relationships. I haven't heard anything back yet, but I did reach out. I think I'm worried that a) I'm insane, b) I'm not insane, or c) I'll move on and leave him behind. I really hate the idea of deleting this man from my life.

Thank you. Even when I say things like ^^ people are still supportive here.

Ann

Sometimes it takes us a while for reality to sink in. I was a slow learner when it came to my son, but when I started listening to those who went before me, my life began to change.

I'm glad you are back and hope you find something here that can help you do what you need to do.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

I'll move on and leave him behind

what does that MEAN to you exactly? you have been broken up for a while now AND he has another GIRLFRIEND. it seems that one of you already HAD moved on.......

i know it's hard for you to let go - of him or his family - but i think in time that will just HAPPEN.......as there really isn't much point in keeping them all still so close..........

auroraxborealis

I come from a VERY small town. Between 2500-3000 people. No street lights, no economy. We have a gas station, a grocery store, a bank, a couple mom & pop convenience stores/laundry mats, and a bar (thankfully, just the one these days).

It's also a weekender town on the road system with an influx of part-timers that come up for the summer and weekends to play on the lake in their cabins. The dichotomy is actually fascinating between the rich, wealthy weekenders and the poor, struggling residents.

The people that live here, stay here. Even though I'm back at my parents living here, I'm not here. I work in the city. I'm here to sleep through the week, and maybe one day on the weekend. A full weekend at home is unusual for me.

I get uncomfortable when I'm home. I feel stuck. I feel like I can't get out of there and do something with myself. There are people here to whom a trip to town (not the city I work in, but the town about 25 miles away) is a BIG deal. Some people are so stuck in this stupid little town they don't realize there's MORE out there. That's why I went to school, and work in the city.

It's the same reason I hate the Southeast. There's no road system--you have to ferry or fly in. You can't just GO. You can't drive to the next town. And you can't afford to fly or ferry all the time, and it takes way to long to make it a reasonable weekend trip.

I always feel like a snobby b***t when I come home and just wonder why people still stick around and how they stand it. Most of the people barely finish high school and live on assistance because it's too expensive for our own residents to live here. It sucks. And it makes me crazy because there's a whole world RIGHT there, just a few miles away. But its like they get so comfortable within their own zone that they don't venture out.

I have nothing against the people here. Really, I don't. I don't want to sound like some spoiled brat. Really. I just wonder if people choose to live here, or if they HAVE to live here. And it makes me feel like I did get out, I did make it, and it makes me sad to see some of my best friends from high school settle. Working at the local grocery store for minimum wage, and not being able to afford anything. Or out of work because there's not enough jobs here.

And I'm sure the people here are happy, and it's more that because I feel stuck I assume everyone else is stuck.


I said all that to say, that I see the same thing with my X. It's comfortable where he's at. It's hard to take a break from your family when some members are actively using. It's easier to have a gf that pays for things so you don't have to. It's easier to avoid facing up to the collateral damage that addiction has left in its wake. But sobriety and healthy living are RIGHT THERE. He's got a team behind him--probation, halfway house, treatment center. But he's stuck.

I made my appointment. I'm not stuck. I'm getting out of this spot. But it hurts my heart when I see people that are so close to the edge. I want to grab them and pull them over with me, but it's not my decision.