johnno1

Please if you like... share your positives for yourself and your kids for leaving ah/ap

I'm know I can't make a design based on these posts lol but I back and forth all the time on the pros and cons. Fortunately my ah is a fab dad who is well interested in them as he drinks mostly when they are in bed, well not lately but u know they love him very much

maia1234

I am not sure if they are positives.... My kids wanted me to divorce. They saw all the pain that he caused me. DD19 at the time told me "dad, will never make you happy". Pretty sad that the 19 is smarter then her 50 year old mom.

The bottom line is, me enabling my A, he was never going to get help. All I did was contribute to a quicker death for him. Had to leave and get healthy myself. I pray every day that he finds serenity one day. I have found the peace that I so deserved.

God has path set out for you, just follow his choices and you will be ok!!

maybear

One positive for me is the mum I am now that he is gone. I'm calmer, laugh more, more relaxed.
I have a lot more fun with my daughter now that he isn't here because my energy goes to her and not to his problems.
I'm sure that is better for her, knowing that children are highly attuned to their mother's mood.

happybeingme

I think the problem with a lot of people who don't know whether they should stay or go is missing a big piece of the picture by only looking at the alcoholic. You need to look at yourself as well. Are you at your best and healthiest? I doubt it. So, your raising your kids in an all around unhealthy environment. The number one slogan of ACOA is " we guess at what normal is". That sums up the whole crazy thing.

ACOA has something called The Laundry List. You can find it in their forum here. Statistically children who grow up in an alcoholic home have a high probability of marrying one or becoming one themselves.

My advice as an ACOA, recovering alcoholic, wife and mom is simple. Get the kids out of that environment right now. If you don't there is a good chance your kids will be messed up for life

Thumper

I left my marriage when I hit my bottom. I was someone I did not know or like. I was not likable. I was not as good a mom as I could be because I was consumed and one step away from losing the plot myself. I hated my life. I hated myself and I hated my husband. I felt no joy. I was controlling because there was a threat to my security around every corner. That is no way to live.

I also read a book called 'The Road Less Traveled'. I read that before I started any kind of recovery or even acknowledged co-dependency. There were a lot of realizations for me in that book.

I also saw my young boys following their dad around with a toy mower in the yard. Right in his foot steps. They followed and sat down at the cooler and had a pretend beer right along with him. In a flash I saw all the generations of alcoholics that riddle this family and I knew I did not want my boys to be the next.

These things culminated in a vacation that was a disaster and a comment from my cousin at the end of it that just brought all the denial and walls down. I came home and filed for divorce. Actually I asked him to leave for awhile and he refused so I filed for divorce because no change was not an option.

So I left to save myself even when the fog made me feel like I was still throwing my kids under the bus. With space, and clear thinking, and SR, and a counselor, I can see that a home free of alcoholism is a gift to children. I can see that a father that wants to be involved with his children can make that happen even if the parents divorce.

My children have been mostly abandoned by their father. He moved away and they see him once a year. I still think that it is better for them to have one parent that is on point and focused on parenting and a home free of alcoholism. It is not ideal because they need him but the bottom line is that sometimes we have to make a choice among two less than perfect options. I don't get my two parent loving healthy family option. It wasn't among my choices. I had to choose among two options I didn't want and doing nothing was a choice by default.

I could also see the slide of alcoholism getting worse. It had been a slow slide but things were falling apart at an accelerated rate. The fabulous dad had left some time before I was willing to admit it.

So this post is more about my decision process even before I knew I was going to make a decision.

There is a peace and ease of living when alcohol is not in play. The counselor asked me if I walked on egg shells at home and I said nope. She looked at me kind of funny. I was not afraid of my husband - he was not abusive at all. I did nor realize what my life had become - could not see the forest for the trees. Once I was away though I realized I did walk on egg shells. I avoided him because he drank every day and I didn't want to talk to him or was mad at him or didn't want to be pressured into sex. I was constantly irritated and offended by the smells and litter that comes from an alcoholic. I dreaded walking in my front door not knowing how things would be. I dreaded going places with him. I was irritated when we did go because he'd constantly leave us to go get another beer. Every meal was a confusing mix of dreading he'd join us and being angry when he didn't. I spent so much time hiding money and cards and purses and kids' allowances. I bit my tongue till it bled. All that was erased - and I could breath. I wanted to come home. I did not hide in my own house. I did not grit my teeth or bit my tongue to get through dinner. I get in my car and it has as much gas as I left in it, there are no beer cans to dig out from under the seat, and I never have to leave the windows down to air it out. Life is normal.

FireSprite

Wow Thumper, that was an excellent share!!!

My husband & I were separated for over 2 yrs during the height of his drinking. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened.

With that distance, I could see his erratic behavior more clearly. He was a secret drinker, I didn't know alcohol was even a factor when this all started so his progression kept taking me by surprise. There was SO much I didn't understand, so much I didn't even know was happening.

I became a much better mother for my daughter during all of this. I built trust with her, I earned her respect. I was more attentive & active. I gave her extra everything (love, attention, hugs, let her sleep with me for a few months) then slowly weaned her back to a "normal" level. It was important for me that she not become clingy & that she was learning about independence. When I became less stressed, she responded in kind. They feed off of our energy & take their emotional cues from us, especially when they are very young.

She was about 5-6 when she asked me what would happen to her if we got divorced. She wanted to be SURE that she would get to live with me & that there would be no chance she'd end up with AH. I assured her & asked her why she'd ask - she replied that she didn't think daddy made the best decisions all the time.... that she felt that he often gave in to her requests when he probably shouldn't (like candy, lol) & that getting pulled over for speeding, etc. all the time wasn't a good thing. She felt that he didn't listen to her, that her opinion wasn't valued, that his moods roller-coasted around so much that he was never as approachable & he didn't honor commitments, backing out or not showing at all if his work schedule created a conflict. She also made it clear - she LOVED her daddy, there was no lack of love here. She understood that he had the best intentions & in fewer, less mature words told me that his intentions didn't mean squat compared to his actions. "But you Mom, you make me feel SAFE."

She needed boundaries & reliability but instead he was just a fun friend/playmate. She wanted him in her life, but didn't want him to be responsible for her because she didn't agree with the majority of his decisions so far as she could tell. He "wasn't like a real grownup" in her words. This is why I laugh when people claim that the kids "don't know anything".... that is nearly IMPOSSIBLE. They may not know WHY, but they KNOW.

I also was determined to not handle things they way my own mother did. She was extremely damaged, terribly codependent & I felt disconnected from her for most of my life. I often think back to how she handled things & try to remember how that made me feel, what was happening in my mind at those times. Was I confused, anxious, scared? Then I strive for a better solution.

RAH & I have reconciled & have been living together again for about 3 years or so now. He's done a lot of hard work in recovery & worked especially hard at repairing their relationship. But she's STILL closer to me, it's going to take a lot more time for her to build that same trust with him. He knows it & I know it hurts him sometimes, like when he read the card/poem she made me for Mother's Day yesterday. It brought tears to his eyes & he made a small, quiet comment to the effect that he's hopeful that she'll have that same connection with him one day. And she might, but that's up to him.

hopeful4

I was on the fence for Years. It was miserable. Once I decided, it was a freedom I had never known before. Thing was, I was becoming this person that I did not even recognize. It was affecting my kids, me, all of us. Misery.

So, I am now the smiling person I want to be. Life is not perfect, but it's 99.9% better. When the counselor asked my DD to describe in one word our divorce, she said, "relief." That was a big eye opener for me. The fighting and the stress was toxic to my children.

I am closer to them now, more so than I ever have been before. We have done counseling together and separately, and continue to do so. Our relationship just keeps getting stronger (my girls are 15 and 9). I can see that they are much more relaxed in their own skin if you will.

It's not all roses, but it sure better than how it was when I was married to their father.