Looking for direction
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Looking for direction
Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I have posted; however, I am regularly attending alanon meetings and trying to find a sponsor.
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for almost 8 years and actively attend AA meetings as well. Unfortunately, I have an alcoholic husband who is not in recover and is in denial about his problem. I learned through Alanon and from reading various posts on this forum that I cannot control his drinking...I can only control how I react. So, I have begun setting boundaries. It seems to be helping me in terms of keeping my sanity and keeping the focus on myself. However, it has caused some friction in our relationship. For example, my AH travels a lot for his job and has many opportunities in the evenings to drink which he takes advantage of. I have told him I do not enjoy talking to him on the phone when he is drinking so I prefer not to do so. I have also told him that when we don't talk at night (i.e. he was out until 3am drinking) I feel lonely, sad, and distant. I realize I made the boundary so initially I was thinking "these are MY consequences." I am not thinking it's a healthy thought but that is where my mind goes. Given that we don't talk then by day 4 when he comes home I do not feel emotionally connected and do not want to be physical with him. Then he accuses me of trying to control him with sex. I feel like this is how alcoholics behave and he is trying to justify his own behavior. But, I am seeking some input and ways to cope from others who have stayed married to alcoholics not in recovery.
Thx
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for almost 8 years and actively attend AA meetings as well. Unfortunately, I have an alcoholic husband who is not in recover and is in denial about his problem. I learned through Alanon and from reading various posts on this forum that I cannot control his drinking...I can only control how I react. So, I have begun setting boundaries. It seems to be helping me in terms of keeping my sanity and keeping the focus on myself. However, it has caused some friction in our relationship. For example, my AH travels a lot for his job and has many opportunities in the evenings to drink which he takes advantage of. I have told him I do not enjoy talking to him on the phone when he is drinking so I prefer not to do so. I have also told him that when we don't talk at night (i.e. he was out until 3am drinking) I feel lonely, sad, and distant. I realize I made the boundary so initially I was thinking "these are MY consequences." I am not thinking it's a healthy thought but that is where my mind goes. Given that we don't talk then by day 4 when he comes home I do not feel emotionally connected and do not want to be physical with him. Then he accuses me of trying to control him with sex. I feel like this is how alcoholics behave and he is trying to justify his own behavior. But, I am seeking some input and ways to cope from others who have stayed married to alcoholics not in recovery.
Thx
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Are you trying to control him with sex? Suppose, rather than not talking to him because he's been drinking, the power was out for four days. Or he was traveling in a remote location where he couldn't call you. Would you feel so "lonely, sad, and distant" that you wouldn't want to be intimate with him? Only you can answer that question, but based on what you've said, I can kind of see where he might get that idea. It looks like it all comes down to "drink if you want to, but don't call me, and don't expect sex when you get home."
Maybe I'm missing something, but I can see why he might feel that way.
Maybe I'm missing something, but I can see why he might feel that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Thanks for the reply Lexie. I didn't see it as controlling with sex because if I don't want to be intimate with him why should I force myself too. What do you recommend instead? If he is going to continue to drink and not face his problems I can't help but become more emotionally and physically distant from him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm certainly not suggesting you have sex with him if you don't want to--NEVER.
What I'm questioning is the way you present it. That you are feeling "lonely, sad, and distant" because he is honoring your boundary of not calling you.
I SUSPECT you don't want to have sex with him because all of life with an active alcoholic tends to be "lonely." I don't know that there is anything any of us can suggest to make it LESS lonely, or to make sex with him more appealing. Does he drink when he isn't traveling? How do you feel about intimacy with him the rest of the time?
What I'm questioning is the way you present it. That you are feeling "lonely, sad, and distant" because he is honoring your boundary of not calling you.
I SUSPECT you don't want to have sex with him because all of life with an active alcoholic tends to be "lonely." I don't know that there is anything any of us can suggest to make it LESS lonely, or to make sex with him more appealing. Does he drink when he isn't traveling? How do you feel about intimacy with him the rest of the time?
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Yeah, Lexi, I'm going to have to disagree that she needs to be available for sex whenever he wants it. That sounds a little rapey.
Kk, I totally understand feeling disconnected from him when he chooses to drink while on business trips. He isn't connecting in a meaningful way. To me, the line he crossed is drinking which leads to ignoring you. I don't think not wanting sex is at all out of line.
Kk, I totally understand feeling disconnected from him when he chooses to drink while on business trips. He isn't connecting in a meaningful way. To me, the line he crossed is drinking which leads to ignoring you. I don't think not wanting sex is at all out of line.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Yeah, Lexi, I'm going to have to disagree that she needs to be available for sex whenever he wants it. That sounds a little rapey.
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I see your point Lexie. If I am honest with myself I a don't feel like being intimate with him a lot of the time because he is an active alcoholic. I was having a hard time with the fact that I told him not to call when he has been drinking and then alternatively I am lonely because he doesn't call as he is respecting my boundary. But I think what I am really trying to say is what I said above...it's lonely living with an active alcoholic. He is more of a binge drinker. So he will go weeks without drinking. He used to
drink every weekend. However I set some
Boundaries around that like if he drinks I have to sleep in another room because he snores and I can't sleep when he snores. I also told him if he chooses to drink at home that I would need to go
To another room because it's a trigger for me.
We have 2 young children and my AH is a good
Father and provider which makes
The situation a bit more difficult.
drink every weekend. However I set some
Boundaries around that like if he drinks I have to sleep in another room because he snores and I can't sleep when he snores. I also told him if he chooses to drink at home that I would need to go
To another room because it's a trigger for me.
We have 2 young children and my AH is a good
Father and provider which makes
The situation a bit more difficult.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, believe me, I know how lonely living with an active alcoholic can be. And I think it must be especially difficult when you're in recovery yourself--big props to you for your sober time! (I'm almost seven years sober, myself.)
The thing is, you know how this disease progresses. I'm not sure being a "good provider" is a great compensation, and his "good fathering" is likely to go away over time, too.
I honestly don't know how to make it less lonely, or to build a healthy relationship, complete with intimacy, when you're in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I think you're on the right track with Al-Anon, and things may become clearer over time. I assume he is completely resistant to the notion of joining you in recovery?
The thing is, you know how this disease progresses. I'm not sure being a "good provider" is a great compensation, and his "good fathering" is likely to go away over time, too.
I honestly don't know how to make it less lonely, or to build a healthy relationship, complete with intimacy, when you're in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I think you're on the right track with Al-Anon, and things may become clearer over time. I assume he is completely resistant to the notion of joining you in recovery?
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Lexie-I am sorry you have had to experience the loneliness too. I am hoping with Alanon and finding a sponsor as well as working the steps I will find clarity. When you ask if he is open to joining me do you mean to admit he is an alcoholic or to be there for me? I do appreciate your insight. How did you manage to stay married to an alcoholic or maybe you didn't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My first husband got sober a year before we got married. He now has 35 years' sobriety. We divorced after we were married for about 14 years--he's a great guy and we are still good friends. We didn't divorce due to alcoholism, it was just a matter of the marriage not feeling "right" to me.
My second husband almost died of liver failure due to drinking. After a brief stint of sobriety he went back to drinking, and I left. We lived together only a few months before I left. He's still alive (don't ask me how). I still cared for him, but I could not go through another deathbed vigil with someone who knew what to do but wouldn't do it. I've never regretted leaving. I still cared about him but I'd done what I could. Al-Anon was a true lifesaver for me during that time.
Oh, and I meant to ask whether he had ever entertained the idea of his needing to quit drinking, himself.
My second husband almost died of liver failure due to drinking. After a brief stint of sobriety he went back to drinking, and I left. We lived together only a few months before I left. He's still alive (don't ask me how). I still cared for him, but I could not go through another deathbed vigil with someone who knew what to do but wouldn't do it. I've never regretted leaving. I still cared about him but I'd done what I could. Al-Anon was a true lifesaver for me during that time.
Oh, and I meant to ask whether he had ever entertained the idea of his needing to quit drinking, himself.
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It sounds like you definitely have been through a lot. It also sounds like you were able to do what was best for your self and gained strength while doing so. My husband is in denial about his drinking problem. He admits that sometimes he has a tendency to drink to much but also feels "entitled" to have a few drinks to decompress. However he never has 1 or 2. Alcoholism runs in both sides of our families but I am the only one in recovery. My mother died when I was 20 and she was an alcoholic. I felt compelled to give our children a much better life.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Hi Kk,
I can relate to what you're saying. My husband travels a lot, too and we have many of the same issues with drinking, trust, detachment, etc..
I actually look at this as part of the "progression" of alcoholism. They put alcohol first, and it's tough on EVERY part of the marriage.
It sucks. Sorry you're going through it.
I can relate to what you're saying. My husband travels a lot, too and we have many of the same issues with drinking, trust, detachment, etc..
I actually look at this as part of the "progression" of alcoholism. They put alcohol first, and it's tough on EVERY part of the marriage.
It sucks. Sorry you're going through it.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Yes. He admits to being an alcoholic and (according to him) hasn't been drinking for 6 months.
It's REALLY hard to tell when he is drinking, though, and I don't like to talk to him when he travels because it's a trigger for me. His voice (to me) has the tone of being slightly changed, and I don't want to be thinking about if he's lying and drinking. I can believe he's sober when he's home.
I've asked him not to call when he travels. It's peaceful for me when he's not home! If he is drinking, it will be revealed eventually.
It's REALLY hard to tell when he is drinking, though, and I don't like to talk to him when he travels because it's a trigger for me. His voice (to me) has the tone of being slightly changed, and I don't want to be thinking about if he's lying and drinking. I can believe he's sober when he's home.
I've asked him not to call when he travels. It's peaceful for me when he's not home! If he is drinking, it will be revealed eventually.
Last edited by Flavia2; 05-10-2015 at 05:30 AM. Reason: Typo
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