Thoughts from 4 months sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Thoughts from 4 months sober
Life has changed my friends. I wrote here four months ago, praying that that night would be my first night sober. I went to an AA meeting, came home, put the kids to rest, and stayed up til near 4am. Didn't drink. Went to bed tired. Went to 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor that I adore. We have done hard work together. I have faced challenges, many - most dealing with having my true feelings and emotions feeling nakedly on display at all times, and admitting my weaknesses to my loved ones.
It hasn't been an easy road, and I've been tempted. Sadly, I forgot my username and password here so I've been a daily lurker. I thank you all for your stories, as you have helped me more times than you know. I feel so surrounded by people who support my sobriety that sometimes it feels like a superhuman shield.
I wont lie - it's not been a bed of roses
But if it helps anyone, here are my steps that I've taken to get this far
1) Doctor's visit - admitted all to Dr. He came up with at home detox plan that was medicated. I followed it to the letter and did not face terrible detox symptoms, which I believe helped me a great deal.
2) Went to AA immediately. I am usually silent, but listening to the stories of others has always helped, and it continues
3) Admitted to those closest to me that my problem was real, existed, and that I needed their help when it seemed as though my resolve might fade. They did.
4) I take every day one day at a time. I stopped projecting the worries of tomorrow.
5) I have dealt with and continue to deal with insomnia. I thought the alcohol helped. I now know the difference between sleep, even just a few hours, and a blackout. I'll take the few hours sleep any day.
6) I replaced my alcoholic nights with boot camps, girls get togethers without alcohol, and planned game nights with friends and family.
Most important, I am PRESENT in my life, something I couldn't dream of for years.
I wish this to continue for myself, and to happen for all of you. Glad I retrieved my password. And much thanks and love to you all.
PS - my actual four months was last Wednesday on my 40th birthday. Felt fitting.
It hasn't been an easy road, and I've been tempted. Sadly, I forgot my username and password here so I've been a daily lurker. I thank you all for your stories, as you have helped me more times than you know. I feel so surrounded by people who support my sobriety that sometimes it feels like a superhuman shield.
I wont lie - it's not been a bed of roses
But if it helps anyone, here are my steps that I've taken to get this far
1) Doctor's visit - admitted all to Dr. He came up with at home detox plan that was medicated. I followed it to the letter and did not face terrible detox symptoms, which I believe helped me a great deal.
2) Went to AA immediately. I am usually silent, but listening to the stories of others has always helped, and it continues
3) Admitted to those closest to me that my problem was real, existed, and that I needed their help when it seemed as though my resolve might fade. They did.
4) I take every day one day at a time. I stopped projecting the worries of tomorrow.
5) I have dealt with and continue to deal with insomnia. I thought the alcohol helped. I now know the difference between sleep, even just a few hours, and a blackout. I'll take the few hours sleep any day.
6) I replaced my alcoholic nights with boot camps, girls get togethers without alcohol, and planned game nights with friends and family.
Most important, I am PRESENT in my life, something I couldn't dream of for years.
I wish this to continue for myself, and to happen for all of you. Glad I retrieved my password. And much thanks and love to you all.
PS - my actual four months was last Wednesday on my 40th birthday. Felt fitting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
I really wrote this in response to the thread entitled "How do I remain sober?" And I have battled that question hard, many times. I have learned, and am learning every day, that my sobriety is TODAY. That is it. I hate to be an AA quoter here, and I can't quote the poem verbatim, but I'll give it a shot
There are only two days you should never worry about - Yesterday and Tomorrow
Yesterday is done, with it's foibles and doubts and guilt
Tomorrow, the sun will rise or it won't, and you will have no control over that, so there is no point wasting time wondering about it
Which leaves one day - Today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day.
And I believe that. I can fight the battles of today. I can not project tomorrow. I cannot feel guilt, loss, regret, remorse, over the past. It is gone. There is no changing it, and I will not dwell in it.
126 days of clarity. Deep breath in and out.
There are only two days you should never worry about - Yesterday and Tomorrow
Yesterday is done, with it's foibles and doubts and guilt
Tomorrow, the sun will rise or it won't, and you will have no control over that, so there is no point wasting time wondering about it
Which leaves one day - Today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day.
And I believe that. I can fight the battles of today. I can not project tomorrow. I cannot feel guilt, loss, regret, remorse, over the past. It is gone. There is no changing it, and I will not dwell in it.
126 days of clarity. Deep breath in and out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
To anyone else reading and struggling, I want you to know that this is NOT my first run through of sobriety. I fell many times before I finally found my feet.
Mistakes of early sobriety learned from the past:
1) After three months sobriety over a year ago, convinced myself at a dinner that I could 'moderate'. My AV was talking loud, and as we all know, that first glass of wine continued far into the night. It continued for 6 more months.
2) Alcoholism is debilitating, and it's hard to get anyone to understand sometimes, so in my first attempts at sobriety I kept it completely to myself. Which means the only person to hold me accountable was me, and my AV!!!
3) Alcoholism builds in such a cunning way, we have no idea we have gotten worse. I didn't start drinking, and even then only socially until my 30's. I didn't realize the day it shifted and I began drinking wine alone at night when the kids were in bed (HUGE RED FLAG). I didn't have an a-ha moment when wine was no longer cutting it (a bottle, a bottle and a half) and I switched to whiskey or bourbon. I didn't think anything of how much harder the daily hangovers were, or how I had to emergency stop for toilets everywhere. (RED FLAGS RED FLAGS)
I didn't realize that I was basically spending every day waiting and praying to get home to get that first drink and all the others after it into me.
4) Why did I wake up? I don't know. What was the final straw? When I realized that I had withdrawn from everything and everyone that ever meant to me.
5) Quitting. I thought this would be easy, as I have quit other things in my life. Oh how very wrong I was. This last time, I had two weeks of the Christmas holiday, and every night I said, tonight is the night, and I would last until maybe 2am and then give in, do a quick blackout drink, and then cry the next morning that I failed again. I finally make a PLAN on the very last day of the break. I made a deal with myself to stay up all night if I had to, and kept telling myself it was ok. After a night like that, cancelled work the next day and went to the DR where I admitted in all its ugliness what I had been doing to myself. That was my day one, followed by AA. I did a lot of crying and feeling remorse in those first few weeks. Was hard to keep it together.
Quitting is the hardest thing many of us will ever do. Staying quit is a daily committment. Every day is a new day, which means every day is a new day where we commit to saying no - that we don't wish to go back. I am not naive. I have relapsed three times before, and each relapse led to drinking worse than what came before it. What's important is no longer lying to myself or others that I have this disease. And the 'antidote' is bloody EVERYWHERE. Even last night, at a dinner with some loved ones, I drank my bubbly water whilst others enjoyed their cocktails then wine. When I was asked why I didn't have any, my husband actually spoke for me for the first time - "She finds it really doesn't agree with her". Bless him.
No matter how many times we fall down, we can get back up, as long as we are honest and determined. This is the first time I hit sobriety with a PLAN, and my plan continues every day. I have missed the odd AA meeting due to scheduling, but even then, I use their online cache of motivational speaking, and I lurk around here. It helps. It really does. There are times I was so tempted, and I came here and read the remorse and shame of a relapse, and it gave me the strength I needed that day to say NO today.
Mistakes of early sobriety learned from the past:
1) After three months sobriety over a year ago, convinced myself at a dinner that I could 'moderate'. My AV was talking loud, and as we all know, that first glass of wine continued far into the night. It continued for 6 more months.
2) Alcoholism is debilitating, and it's hard to get anyone to understand sometimes, so in my first attempts at sobriety I kept it completely to myself. Which means the only person to hold me accountable was me, and my AV!!!
3) Alcoholism builds in such a cunning way, we have no idea we have gotten worse. I didn't start drinking, and even then only socially until my 30's. I didn't realize the day it shifted and I began drinking wine alone at night when the kids were in bed (HUGE RED FLAG). I didn't have an a-ha moment when wine was no longer cutting it (a bottle, a bottle and a half) and I switched to whiskey or bourbon. I didn't think anything of how much harder the daily hangovers were, or how I had to emergency stop for toilets everywhere. (RED FLAGS RED FLAGS)
I didn't realize that I was basically spending every day waiting and praying to get home to get that first drink and all the others after it into me.
4) Why did I wake up? I don't know. What was the final straw? When I realized that I had withdrawn from everything and everyone that ever meant to me.
5) Quitting. I thought this would be easy, as I have quit other things in my life. Oh how very wrong I was. This last time, I had two weeks of the Christmas holiday, and every night I said, tonight is the night, and I would last until maybe 2am and then give in, do a quick blackout drink, and then cry the next morning that I failed again. I finally make a PLAN on the very last day of the break. I made a deal with myself to stay up all night if I had to, and kept telling myself it was ok. After a night like that, cancelled work the next day and went to the DR where I admitted in all its ugliness what I had been doing to myself. That was my day one, followed by AA. I did a lot of crying and feeling remorse in those first few weeks. Was hard to keep it together.
Quitting is the hardest thing many of us will ever do. Staying quit is a daily committment. Every day is a new day, which means every day is a new day where we commit to saying no - that we don't wish to go back. I am not naive. I have relapsed three times before, and each relapse led to drinking worse than what came before it. What's important is no longer lying to myself or others that I have this disease. And the 'antidote' is bloody EVERYWHERE. Even last night, at a dinner with some loved ones, I drank my bubbly water whilst others enjoyed their cocktails then wine. When I was asked why I didn't have any, my husband actually spoke for me for the first time - "She finds it really doesn't agree with her". Bless him.
No matter how many times we fall down, we can get back up, as long as we are honest and determined. This is the first time I hit sobriety with a PLAN, and my plan continues every day. I have missed the odd AA meeting due to scheduling, but even then, I use their online cache of motivational speaking, and I lurk around here. It helps. It really does. There are times I was so tempted, and I came here and read the remorse and shame of a relapse, and it gave me the strength I needed that day to say NO today.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Thank you so much for the wise words Irnldy. I agree with everything - and in particular #3. I can't say when I stepped over the line from social drinking to drinking alcoholically. I was so good at justifying my habit. I was a good bit older than you when I got sober, and in the end I was drinking all day - completely isolated from everyone. It seems incredible now. I'm glad we've learned it 'really doesn't agree with us'. 
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