justbeachy

2 years ago I went no contact with my mother for a while . She's been an alcoholic my whole life with an 8 year period of sobriety when she actually became a drug/alcohol counselor, then secretly began drinking again and has ever since. She is convinced that she only drinks a little and does no harm, but that has not been my experience. Last time we stopped talking she was acting irresponsibly with my young daughter in her car after drinking several beers the night before, and then got drunk at Thanksgiving dinner. I told her I was not OK with her behavior, she screamed at me and left without saying goodbye(she lives 4 hours away). After several months we talked and she told me she was getting help and would not drink around me and my family. That lasted a while, but then on a family visit to a resort she asked my permission to have a drink at the pool. I was having one so I said oh, OK. Since then her drinking on visits has escalated and her behavior is unpredictable. She was supposed to visit this weekend for Mother's Day and I tried to talk to her about not drinking. She yelled and said I was attacking her and hung up on me. I called back and left a message saying she is an alcoholic who needs help and not to contact me until she gets some. I hate this. She is my best friend, but she is also poisonous in my life. How do I forgive myself for drawing a line with her? How do I stay stronger than I did last time and refuse to let her back in until she deals with her disease? She blames this on me and the guilt is so hard. Thanks for listening.

happybeingme

That's a tough situation but you need to remember she is an adult, she can do what she wants. You have to decide if you can live with her choices. If you can't that is absolutely ok. But, you have to accept it. She won't quit unless she wants to and as you have witnessed you trying to force control on it only causes resentment.

Going no contact is tough but sometimes it is the only way and you certainly aren't alone. Many of us here have

ajarlson

Sorry, I know how it is to have an alcoholic mom, but it must be harder for you as you say she is also your best friend. Probably all I can offer is support and take care of yourself, it was hard for me to go NC and I am not even that close with my mom. And keep saying to yourself, there's nothing to forgive. She chose this over a relationship with me. I posted something a while back about selfishness and I truly believe that parents need to keep being parents as long as possible or they abdicate that role. Mine decided she did not want to be my parent any longer, which made me feel better about not acting like her daughter. I also always suggest counseling, if you can find a good counselor you can talk through all of the guilt and tears and come to some kind of peace with what you have to do for your own sanity. Good luck.

justbeachy

Thank you for the support, it was very helpful. I do need to realize that I am not in control of her drinking. In fact, I checked Facebook this AM and saw that she went to a "Wine Friday" party just one day after I said she can't be around my family(including her only grandchild) until she gets help. After reading your posts, I realized it's not up to me whether she gets help, but I can say that she not drink around me & my family. I am setting that boundary and I am working on the guilt. She is so good at making me the bad guy! Oh, also I do see a therapist and I know she will be helpful with this as we have talked about this before. I agree a parent should always be a parent, even once your kids are grown, but I feel my mom has used me as a therapist, a partner, a friend and not really been a mom a lot of the time. It does make it harder because I lose a friend by going no contact. It just sucks to be in this position again.