Sick of not living/feeling resentful
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Sick of not living/feeling resentful
I'm sorry folks I know everyone is getting fed up with my obsessiveness with my stbxah but I can't seem to move on. I still keep blaming myself, I was anxious, controlling that's why he left I wouldn't let him have a life away from me as when he went out with friends I didn't like I made such a massive deal about it, I couldn't make him happy and no wonder he stopped loving me, yet even when I am blaming myself I also think in the back of my mind no B he left so he could drink and live a life of no responsibilities he doesn't want to face up as he can't and doesn't want to face up, deal with his actions. I'm in limbo and I can't seem to move onto the acceptance stage. I jst feel so much hurt and rejection, yip rejected by the reject!!!! I hate that I'm still devastated by what and how he's walked out that he feels no guilt or shame and doesn't care. I know alcoholics drink to block out their feelings but he's not drunk all the time and yet he still couldn't give a rats a## about what he's done, I guess he really never cared and loved me.
I'm not living any sort of life, I work come home cook and clean and keep up with my own responsibilities but I go nowhere, don't socialise. I have a couple of good friends but they have their own families and I worry/feel that they are getting fed up with me and can't be bothered with me. Constant negative thoughts. That I'm not good enough
They do ask me to go out but it's usually for lunch or something else that costs money and I'm struggling financially,. My poor dog was very ill and cost me over £700 in vet bills then my cooker finally gave up and work have messed up my pension estimate for the divorce , which I've been waiting for for about 3 months and now I have to wait for longer and will delay the divorce longer. I still haven't gotten my head round that it's what he wants and there are times when I know it's what I need to heal but I still can't believe it's happening. That I'm having to start my life all over again!! I'm feeling so lonely.
I'm feeling resentful that I don't have a life that I don't have money to go out, join a gym or the time to go whenever I want, while he can, he can do what he wants when he wants, he's out their having a brilliant time doing what he wants when he wants no responsibilities unless they fit in with him while I'm here looking after the kids making sure they're ok, as I feel I can't be out all the time, their dad left I need to be here in case they need me and I don't want them thinking I've abandoned them!!
I love my kids dearly but I am feeling overwhelmed and hate feeling resentful, that I have no life and yes I did it to myself by isolating myself and yes sometimes I think I'm better off that way but times like this I'm so sick of my woe is me attitude!!!! I did see my dr and he's reluctant to increase my anti depressants and I understand I did feel relieved after I spoke with him he spent nearly an hour with me.
Sorry I know this is about him and I haven't been able to accept things nearly 14 months later and I'm going on and on and again it's another long post. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Thank you for reading if you got this far.
I'm not living any sort of life, I work come home cook and clean and keep up with my own responsibilities but I go nowhere, don't socialise. I have a couple of good friends but they have their own families and I worry/feel that they are getting fed up with me and can't be bothered with me. Constant negative thoughts. That I'm not good enough
They do ask me to go out but it's usually for lunch or something else that costs money and I'm struggling financially,. My poor dog was very ill and cost me over £700 in vet bills then my cooker finally gave up and work have messed up my pension estimate for the divorce , which I've been waiting for for about 3 months and now I have to wait for longer and will delay the divorce longer. I still haven't gotten my head round that it's what he wants and there are times when I know it's what I need to heal but I still can't believe it's happening. That I'm having to start my life all over again!! I'm feeling so lonely.
I'm feeling resentful that I don't have a life that I don't have money to go out, join a gym or the time to go whenever I want, while he can, he can do what he wants when he wants, he's out their having a brilliant time doing what he wants when he wants no responsibilities unless they fit in with him while I'm here looking after the kids making sure they're ok, as I feel I can't be out all the time, their dad left I need to be here in case they need me and I don't want them thinking I've abandoned them!!
I love my kids dearly but I am feeling overwhelmed and hate feeling resentful, that I have no life and yes I did it to myself by isolating myself and yes sometimes I think I'm better off that way but times like this I'm so sick of my woe is me attitude!!!! I did see my dr and he's reluctant to increase my anti depressants and I understand I did feel relieved after I spoke with him he spent nearly an hour with me.
Sorry I know this is about him and I haven't been able to accept things nearly 14 months later and I'm going on and on and again it's another long post. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Thank you for reading if you got this far.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Are you in therapy? I am glad you are on medication but 14 months and you are Still focused on him is quite awhile. Why do you think your stuck. Why do you continue to obsess over what he is doing? What are you avoiding in yourself with all of this outward looking?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get what you're feeling--rejection hurts, even if it's by someone you'd probably have rejected yourself, if they hadn't done it first. Remember, if you'd gone on accommodating his drinking in an effort to make him "happy," sooner or later YOU would have left--or worse yet, been left an empty shell of a person.
Before you try to tell us you ARE an empty shell of a person (lol, yes, I know how your mind works, it's that mind-reading trick again), I can tell you what I see. I see someone who has struggled mightily to hold onto a marriage that was doomed--not doomed by your actions, but by his. So now it's over, and you have to do what a lot of us newly single women have to do, and that is to rediscover ourselves. Who WE are, as people, not as just so-and-so's wife or whatername's mom.
And yeah, that can feel a little scary, but it can also be great and exciting, once you get into it. My last ex was a music lover, but only what HE liked. He also picked the restaurants we went to--all Italian, which I came to dislike because it was the ONLY kind we ever went to. He also had the TV on CONSTANTLY--especially football, which I've never been able to get into, even when I tried.
So I started exploring new music that I liked. I started taking myself out ALONE for dinner and a movie. Yeah, it felt a little weird at first, but actually it was kind of nice being able to focus on what *I* liked. I started finding things to do that didn't involve TV. I still watch very little TV these days, and that's how I like it.
You might think about some kind of volunteer work you'd enjoy or a cause you'd like to support, and get into that. Those kinds of things just naturally lead to friendships and activities revolving around whatever it is you're doing.
IOW, you have to push your way out of your cocoon, little Butterfly. Push out of the comfort zone a bit. Do what feels weird or scary. Nothing horrible will happen to you if you do, and you can find all kinds of new things in your life. Look at this as an opportunity to discover yourself. We all have interesting people inside of us. This is your chance to get to know who you really are.
Before you try to tell us you ARE an empty shell of a person (lol, yes, I know how your mind works, it's that mind-reading trick again), I can tell you what I see. I see someone who has struggled mightily to hold onto a marriage that was doomed--not doomed by your actions, but by his. So now it's over, and you have to do what a lot of us newly single women have to do, and that is to rediscover ourselves. Who WE are, as people, not as just so-and-so's wife or whatername's mom.
And yeah, that can feel a little scary, but it can also be great and exciting, once you get into it. My last ex was a music lover, but only what HE liked. He also picked the restaurants we went to--all Italian, which I came to dislike because it was the ONLY kind we ever went to. He also had the TV on CONSTANTLY--especially football, which I've never been able to get into, even when I tried.
So I started exploring new music that I liked. I started taking myself out ALONE for dinner and a movie. Yeah, it felt a little weird at first, but actually it was kind of nice being able to focus on what *I* liked. I started finding things to do that didn't involve TV. I still watch very little TV these days, and that's how I like it.
You might think about some kind of volunteer work you'd enjoy or a cause you'd like to support, and get into that. Those kinds of things just naturally lead to friendships and activities revolving around whatever it is you're doing.
IOW, you have to push your way out of your cocoon, little Butterfly. Push out of the comfort zone a bit. Do what feels weird or scary. Nothing horrible will happen to you if you do, and you can find all kinds of new things in your life. Look at this as an opportunity to discover yourself. We all have interesting people inside of us. This is your chance to get to know who you really are.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
My counsellor had to leave and I was to be allocated another one but so far they haven't been able to allocate another counsellor.
Why do I obsess about what he's doing? Because is till can't believe this is happening I keep thinking about everything he said and promised. I can't get over the hurt and his treatment and that I believed every word he said.
What am I avoiding within myself? I've no ideat
Why do I obsess about what he's doing? Because is till can't believe this is happening I keep thinking about everything he said and promised. I can't get over the hurt and his treatment and that I believed every word he said.
What am I avoiding within myself? I've no ideat
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
a lot of months and a lot of posts ago i told you that in my (fabulous, esteemed and all knowing) opinion, his leaving wasn't about JUST DRINKING.
butterfly, sometimes people just want out. it just ain't working for THEM. in fact he had been practicing LEAVING the entire course of your marriage, this is nothing NEW. he isn't the staying, stick it out, permanent kinda guy. NEVER WAS. he couldn't or wouldn't conform to the HUSBAND/FATHER role, just wasn't his thing. if he had come back in the past 14 months, he would just have left again eventually.
time to rip the bandaid off. let's be blunt. HE'S GONE. its really moot now as to why....it changes NOTHING. your ego STILL wants to believe that if you can parse this out to be YOUR fault, then you can FIX it and he'll come BACK. and then you win.
you say you have no life. i wonder how the kids would feel to hear you say that?
really NO life?
do you not own a home?
do you not have a decent paying job?
do you not have both your children with you or near you?
and yet it all means nothing to you cuz of the dumb jerk who bailed?
you might wanna work on a GRATITUDE list. cuz what i know about the Universe is that if we dishonor the gifts we have been given, the Universe will assume we don't want or need them anymore and take them away. so why don't you do an inventory of those GIFTS? the ones outside you and INSIDE you.
butterfly, sometimes people just want out. it just ain't working for THEM. in fact he had been practicing LEAVING the entire course of your marriage, this is nothing NEW. he isn't the staying, stick it out, permanent kinda guy. NEVER WAS. he couldn't or wouldn't conform to the HUSBAND/FATHER role, just wasn't his thing. if he had come back in the past 14 months, he would just have left again eventually.
time to rip the bandaid off. let's be blunt. HE'S GONE. its really moot now as to why....it changes NOTHING. your ego STILL wants to believe that if you can parse this out to be YOUR fault, then you can FIX it and he'll come BACK. and then you win.
you say you have no life. i wonder how the kids would feel to hear you say that?
really NO life?
do you not own a home?
do you not have a decent paying job?
do you not have both your children with you or near you?
and yet it all means nothing to you cuz of the dumb jerk who bailed?
you might wanna work on a GRATITUDE list. cuz what i know about the Universe is that if we dishonor the gifts we have been given, the Universe will assume we don't want or need them anymore and take them away. so why don't you do an inventory of those GIFTS? the ones outside you and INSIDE you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I know its hard to accept that everything he said were empty but he has really been checked out for a long time. Fourteen months this time and before that he had come home for a year after leaving for two right?
I am going to try to say this in a decent way but I suspect if you had not pestered him so much he wouldn't have come back. But, he did. He realized for him it was a mistake. And he left again and made sure he went no contact as well. The problem is your refusal to accept this.
I am really concerned about you.
I am going to try to say this in a decent way but I suspect if you had not pestered him so much he wouldn't have come back. But, he did. He realized for him it was a mistake. And he left again and made sure he went no contact as well. The problem is your refusal to accept this.
I am really concerned about you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I do a daily practice of gratitude and I work a 12 step program, both really help with my resentments and dwelling on the past. A lot of times, my resentments aren't actually about the thing I'm resentful for, it's about something older and much deeper.
Of course it's painful to have a spouse leave you. However, I'd also suggest therapy only because you might want to explore possible abandonment issues that existed prior to him leaving you, and maybe a therapist could help you move through this emotional hurdle for you. Maybe this isn't entirely about him leaving but about things that happened long ago.
Sending hugs.
Of course it's painful to have a spouse leave you. However, I'd also suggest therapy only because you might want to explore possible abandonment issues that existed prior to him leaving you, and maybe a therapist could help you move through this emotional hurdle for you. Maybe this isn't entirely about him leaving but about things that happened long ago.
Sending hugs.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Hey anvil haven't seen you about so much how you keeping??
I know this isn't just about him wanting to drink, he wants to do what he wants when he wants without having to deal with responsibilities except when they fit in with what he wants and even then it's not really dealing with responsibilities. If he wants to see DS or DD he will ask or give DS a lift if it suits him!! Your right if it's my fault I can fix it. Deep down I know I can't!! i didn't mean it that way I love my kids so much but outside of them and work I don't have anything, they have their own lives and I don't see much of them so I'm alone, nothing to look forward to except dinner with my kids then I'm alone again. Anvil do you think he is an alcoholic or he just left so he can do his own thing??
Happy, I didn't pester him on the other occasions he's left, the first time he came home he promised he had given up alcohol and had sought help, so I took him back. It wasn't long before he started drinking again. Another time was because he was basically living with a family member for nearly a year and drinking every night, I challenged him and wanted him to be at home, he left, I had a break down but it was months later he came home after we had talked things out, another occasion I asked him to leave and yes we got back together again after we worked things out but he left again because he was hanging about with old friends who he had previously drank and taken drugs with and yes my anxiety that time was through the roof., he was drinking heavily and when out not coming home to the next day still drunk I won't go into it all again but he decided to come home that time after I agreed I wouldn't say anything about him seeing his mates. This was over an 18 year period.
Yes I did torture him when he left this time as I didn't understand couldn't wrap my head round it, one minute we are planning out future the next he's leaving. Yes I did beg him to come home but only if he sought help and he made it clear he didn't want to or was scared to!!
Stung, I've tried the gratitude list but it has the same things on it I'm grateful for
My kids
My home
My friends
My job and that I can get up and go to my job every day.
It never seems to move past these.
I know this isn't just about him wanting to drink, he wants to do what he wants when he wants without having to deal with responsibilities except when they fit in with what he wants and even then it's not really dealing with responsibilities. If he wants to see DS or DD he will ask or give DS a lift if it suits him!! Your right if it's my fault I can fix it. Deep down I know I can't!! i didn't mean it that way I love my kids so much but outside of them and work I don't have anything, they have their own lives and I don't see much of them so I'm alone, nothing to look forward to except dinner with my kids then I'm alone again. Anvil do you think he is an alcoholic or he just left so he can do his own thing??
Happy, I didn't pester him on the other occasions he's left, the first time he came home he promised he had given up alcohol and had sought help, so I took him back. It wasn't long before he started drinking again. Another time was because he was basically living with a family member for nearly a year and drinking every night, I challenged him and wanted him to be at home, he left, I had a break down but it was months later he came home after we had talked things out, another occasion I asked him to leave and yes we got back together again after we worked things out but he left again because he was hanging about with old friends who he had previously drank and taken drugs with and yes my anxiety that time was through the roof., he was drinking heavily and when out not coming home to the next day still drunk I won't go into it all again but he decided to come home that time after I agreed I wouldn't say anything about him seeing his mates. This was over an 18 year period.
Yes I did torture him when he left this time as I didn't understand couldn't wrap my head round it, one minute we are planning out future the next he's leaving. Yes I did beg him to come home but only if he sought help and he made it clear he didn't want to or was scared to!!
Stung, I've tried the gratitude list but it has the same things on it I'm grateful for
My kids
My home
My friends
My job and that I can get up and go to my job every day.
It never seems to move past these.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Lexie thank you you have such a good talent for mind reading lol. My friend said the same thing to me that if he hadn't left I'd have told him to go as I couldn't have kept living that way, now I don't think I would have as I was so desperately feeling that I couldn't survive without him!!
I am scared of a future on my own, of trying new things, of never feeling or being loved by someone again and spending my life on my own isolated and grieving, future tripping!!
I am scared of a future on my own, of trying new things, of never feeling or being loved by someone again and spending my life on my own isolated and grieving, future tripping!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Butterfly, I read your older posts. He first left you shortly after your marriage. Then again for five years. 18 years and he has left at least half a dozen times. You need to get the hint. The marriage was a mistake.
He may have hoped to have a normal future but he just isn't wired for it. He has drank you whole marriage, did drugs and abused you. You don't even know who he really is. Someone who is constantly under the influence is incapable of forming or maintaining a normal relationship. And you are slowly killing yourself over a fantasy. You have ignored the reality of who your husband is for 18 years. He never existed and spiritually your slowly dying.
He may have hoped to have a normal future but he just isn't wired for it. He has drank you whole marriage, did drugs and abused you. You don't even know who he really is. Someone who is constantly under the influence is incapable of forming or maintaining a normal relationship. And you are slowly killing yourself over a fantasy. You have ignored the reality of who your husband is for 18 years. He never existed and spiritually your slowly dying.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((((Butterfly))))
Just hugs.
I'm struggling similarly, only my dry AH is still living with me.
But he doesn't want to be, and I know it.
I know he really would rather be out partying and drinking, like your stbxh.
And even though, if I'm honest, I don't want to live with him anymore either, it still hurts to know that HE doesn't want to be here.
And, like you, I guess I just keep feeling like I can FIX it, and I can make him WANT to be here, if I could just be better.... AHHHHH
It WILL get better Butterfly!!!
Take care of you!
Just hugs.
I'm struggling similarly, only my dry AH is still living with me.
But he doesn't want to be, and I know it.
I know he really would rather be out partying and drinking, like your stbxh.
And even though, if I'm honest, I don't want to live with him anymore either, it still hurts to know that HE doesn't want to be here.
And, like you, I guess I just keep feeling like I can FIX it, and I can make him WANT to be here, if I could just be better.... AHHHHH
It WILL get better Butterfly!!!
Take care of you!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
In my experience, my gratitudes were similar to yours until I started making it a ritual with my kids, and they have the BEST gratitudes and it really changes the entire exercise for me (I have a blackboard vinyl on the back of my front door that I bought at Target so we write out gratitudes down each morning before we leave home for the day). Hearing their gratitudes (my little heart melts when one of my daughters says she's grateful for her sister) really helps me see how much we really have to be grateful for outside of the obvious everyday stuff. Also, saying it aloud makes a big difference for me too. Today my oldest daughter was thankful for cars because they're fun to sing in. 
*I wanted to add, my kids are 3 and almost 2 so we call them gratitudes but when we started the exercise I just asked them say a few things that make them happy. Sometimes it's food, sometimes it's people, but it's usually a lot of nature stuff, or craft activities or obscure things that I don't even notice/take for granted... like singing in the car.
*I wanted to add, my kids are 3 and almost 2 so we call them gratitudes but when we started the exercise I just asked them say a few things that make them happy. Sometimes it's food, sometimes it's people, but it's usually a lot of nature stuff, or craft activities or obscure things that I don't even notice/take for granted... like singing in the car.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Just one more word or a few and then I promise I won't say anything else.
Nothing I have written was meant to be hurtful. I really care and am worried about you. One of my own faults is at times I still try to fix people. I am sorry if I have hurt you. It is not my place to try to force you to do or see or accept things my way.
Please take care
Nothing I have written was meant to be hurtful. I really care and am worried about you. One of my own faults is at times I still try to fix people. I am sorry if I have hurt you. It is not my place to try to force you to do or see or accept things my way.
Please take care
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm sorry you feel so terrible. You seem stuck in the problem but not considering any sort of solution. Are you going to Alanon, have a sponsor and working the steps? What I learned from my own situation is that I couldn't think my way out of self-pity and resentment, I had to take actions (like Alanon). And the degree of participation was directly reflected by my growing self-esteem and peace of mind. A big hug.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
*I wanted to add, my kids are 3 and almost 2 so we call them gratitudes but when we started the exercise I just asked them say a few things that make them happy. Sometimes it's food, sometimes it's people, but it's usually a lot of nature stuff, or craft activities or obscure things that I don't even notice/take for granted... like singing in the car
I love this!!! My kids are 2 and 3 also. I'm going to try this with them
I love this!!! My kids are 2 and 3 also. I'm going to try this with them
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by Kboys 
I love this!!! My kids are 2 and 3 also. I'm going to try this with them
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Butterfly, We all feel your pain. We have all been there or going there.
I just walked through hxll and survived. I can't tell you how life is sooooooooooooooo much better. I still love my X and always will. He sends me texts about struggling and not being able to make it. I am not there to witness him killing himself. You can't do anything for him and have to let go of the control and give him to God. You can sit and wallow in the pain. You need to put on your big girl pants and move forward for your kids. They deserve a mom who is there 100 percent for them. You are looking back instead of forward.
I still hope my X will get help and we will get back together, but I don't miss all his crap. He is sick as is your husband. You are not dealing with a healthy man. So you thinking you will ever have a healthy relationship with a sick man, it will never happen. I don't mean to be mean, but you have to move forward in the divorce. Don't think about dating, that's crazy. Think about getting to know "you" and enjoy the love of your children. You are a great person and deserve to be happy. He will NEVER make you truly happy.
The kids deserve the best mom you can be!!!
By the way, not sure if you celebrate Mothers day in England.... But Happy Mothers day to you, my friend!!!
I just walked through hxll and survived. I can't tell you how life is sooooooooooooooo much better. I still love my X and always will. He sends me texts about struggling and not being able to make it. I am not there to witness him killing himself. You can't do anything for him and have to let go of the control and give him to God. You can sit and wallow in the pain. You need to put on your big girl pants and move forward for your kids. They deserve a mom who is there 100 percent for them. You are looking back instead of forward.
I still hope my X will get help and we will get back together, but I don't miss all his crap. He is sick as is your husband. You are not dealing with a healthy man. So you thinking you will ever have a healthy relationship with a sick man, it will never happen. I don't mean to be mean, but you have to move forward in the divorce. Don't think about dating, that's crazy. Think about getting to know "you" and enjoy the love of your children. You are a great person and deserve to be happy. He will NEVER make you truly happy.
The kids deserve the best mom you can be!!!
By the way, not sure if you celebrate Mothers day in England.... But Happy Mothers day to you, my friend!!!
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I understand you.. You have had no closure, how he could be one person one day and someone the next... It's a shock to ur system.. It took me 2.5 years to get over my ex... That's me being truthful to myself and taking one step at a time. I still have some very bad days during the week but I am now only able to heal after having him arrested for messing with my head, going to court and having him ****** over for the hell he put my son and I in... That was when my healing started.. And now I hate him most days and am
Angry as hell... You'll get to that place when you get your bearings right.. You'll look back and be angry for the hell he put you through.. Don't be hard on yourself everyone's journey is very different
Angry as hell... You'll get to that place when you get your bearings right.. You'll look back and be angry for the hell he put you through.. Don't be hard on yourself everyone's journey is very different
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